so i group my email by subject, so that i can collapse my threads, but still have them be all together. every once in awhile when the subject name of an email is the same, i'll come across some really old emails. tonight i found some emails when we were planning a trip down to san diego. emails like this, make me nostalgic for the past, when times seemed to be simpler. maybe that's not true, and things are just different. i wouldn't necessarily say i'd want to go back to those times, because some pretty shitty things happened back then and i went through some crappy times, but i do miss some of the things that i liked that aren't there now. finding these old emails and remembering when we sang total eclipse of the heart at the top of our lungs in longboards, and hung out in this massive living room while playing wii bowling and being spun by brennan, and the fun times and smart ass things we said to each other makes me smile.

On 4/18/07, CY wrote:
B can't join- he works weekends. I had plans to hit up some sample sales with V so I can't do Sea World. EF, everyone? when do you need to know if I'm going or not? I'd love to hang out with you all in SD, but i don't want to hold anyone up and don't feel like doing the drive hans style this weekend...oh beautiful whale's vagina, i miss you so


On 4/18/07, BM wrote:
Ok CY, this is the second time I've noticed this. It's Han style! Han Solo captained the Millenium Falcon. Hans Christian Andersen wrote "The Little Mermaid". :)


On 4/19/07, EF wrote:
DA, at this moment i think have a SLIGHT crush on your super-knowledgable, super-nerdy, super-anal fuck buddy.

heh heh. anal fuck buddy.


On 4/19/07, DA wrote:
Three... wait for it... SOME?!

speaking of san diego, i'm back from my san diego trip, and hit up almost all of my favorite places to eat. sat.is.fied. i wish there was a little more time to visit with old friends, but i'll just have to go back another time where i'm not playing babysitter. but i am thankful for my sister and her 2 kids, because when they take trips, and we get invited along to help out, it's really just like family vacations, which we did a lot of when i was younger, and then they kind of died out, aaaaand now they're back! it sometimes might seem like a pain, but i know i'll cherish those moments where we all spent time together and laughed about the 5 desserts we "ambitiously" ordered and the softball sized sorbet scoops.

wow, i'm all sorts of gratitudey tonight.

here's something else. earlier today, i had a "cute" conversation with a check out boy at trader joe's. he's not so bad on the eyes himself. i might be going to a different grocery store than normal now. often.

saw the proposal tonight. it was a okay, there were definitely funny moments, but i do think story development could have been better. i think that's so often what i feel like i scrutinize the more, whether it's believable or not that this falling in love has happened.

cuz you know... movies are just like real life.

i really really really really should be sleeping right now.. but hell i'm on "vacation" kind of. plus i had 3 cups of coffee this morning, and probably will have 3 more in about 4 hours or so.

here is my opportunity to say a few things:

this whole "i think i might need a job" thing is growing day by day. everyone is like "oh man, that seems so great" - but i'm not really sure when it'll end, and that kind of freaks me out. well, i do know when it's going to end, december, when a freelance job starts up again - but i can't have one job where i work 3 months out of the year?! i feel like i had found some good leads, but nothing has really come of anything, so maybe that makes me even a little more anxious. i get impatient, i'm sick of waiting, i want already. so maybe that's that. plus my relative who is working overseas is in town, and my parents like to dote on how great that is, and how her chinese has really improved, and she's so pretty and lost so much weight. points are not going to my self esteem. but 4 days straight with my parents might drive anyone a little batty. (but i love them dearly.)

i really like traveling. and if i ever get a job where i have to travel for work, that might be a different story, but i like hotels, a lot. i like how it's clean and comforting and so nicely set up. i hate all the bs you have to go through to check and book and deal with incompetent people and all, but just lounging in a nice space never really gets old. i also like the towels. and i have to remind myself that it's not necessary to bring shampoo/conditioner when staying at nice hotels.

i relaxed my ass off yesterday... sort of. sort of because i still had to deal with 2 children who need lots of attention/can be slightly fussy, but pretty much i forgot what day it was yesterday. i blame all the other carefree families that were relaxing as well, and then suddenly i realized it wasn't a weekend. it was a weird feeling and i think i felt like i was over-indulging or being a glutton or something.

maybe that's where this "i need to do something with my life" thing is coming in. but not so much that i'm willing to chuck it all and go sell religious related things. (yes, seriously.) although that experience may be kind of cool because i'd get to develop my spanish and possibly travel(!), but then i'd be selling religious stuff. weird.

i also feel a little guilty about not caring more about comic con and the fact that i may get to go. i never realized what a big deal it was, or how cool it could be. it's not like i'm gonna go join those twitards that are waiting in line right now for the new moon panel tomorrow (crazy....) but i wish i more amped than i am. i guess it's just cuz i don't feel like i have a purpose even if i do attend, so.. i can't be all super involved. maybe it'll come to me. hah.

alright.. enough griping and rambling.. time for uhh.. a nap.

pictures soon!

I was doing so well at keeping up with the blogging - and then it just died. I'm sorry. I think of all these things I'm "going to blog about" and it never comes to fruition. There's just so many things that come up, and of course I can't just post something until it's just right. I've been spending the last 4 days cleaning up, picking, organizing my photos from Taiwan/HK/Shanghai and after, and it's kind of taking forever. But I think I'll feel good when it's all done.

I couldn't sleep tonight, a combination of me waking up very late, and just restlessness in general. I did a little work (which is good!) and then my mind started to wander.

I found out today that a boy I used to have a crush on has gotten engaged. (in a super nice beautiful probably dream worthy romantic place too by the way! dagger. heart.) Not that I don't wish them well, and I know that it makes sense, I think it makes me feel a little bit like I'm failing at something. It's weird because I can't even fathom getting or being married right now, so where do these feelings come from? I guess a sense of general lacking in the life accomplishment area? Does that even make sense? Is it silly? Probably. The girl he's gotten engaged to is 2 years younger than me and seemingly has a really good job that she enjoys. Albeit it's a lot different than what she originally said she always wanted to do, she loves it now. She landed the job by a random chance occurrence and rose quickly through the ranks and is at a really good level. The guy: he's older, which probably attributes to the settling down earlier rather than later, but at a good place in his life and kind of always knew what he wanted to do. She's kind of "where" I'd like to be, and he's kind of "who" I'd like to be with. I feel like I'm so far away from all of that, but I want it.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey dreams of Monica being his girlfriend and sitting close on the couch and them doing crossword puzzles together after he sees Monica & Chandler doing it? That's kind of me, but without the dream part. Just a constant wonder and want. I want to be kind of settled in that comfortable I know what's going on sort of way. I want to know what I want to do and enjoy doing it, or at least working towards a goal. I'm in this weird pool where I have NO CLUE what exactly I want to do, and I'm willing to try out different things, but there's going to be a little bit of time before the trial and error process will be complete. Add on the fact that I don't know when it'd start. I know I have the rest of my life to work, but I feel like I'm getting too old to still be so clueless. I KNOW that everyone goes through it, even super successful people who had great careers and accomplishments wonder at some point what they're doing and make changes. But I need to have that one. The over achiever OCD person in me feels like I'm way behind.

I went through all the silly little crush options that are currently floating around with a friend, and we determined that basically, I have no options. None of them will materialize in any sort of relationship. At least for now, possibly ever. And there's nothing I can do about it. Well, that sucks. I realize that you don't really know until it comes. And it's probably kind of like apartment hunting, it's always the last one you look at, because once you find it, you stop looking. But really, I don't even feel like there are contenders. And much like the feeling that I won't be working until December, this scares me. A lot. In a I'm flailing kind of quickly and there's nothing to grab on to sort of way. A boy that I used to hang out with a lot has recently been talking to me again. This should make me feel better right? Maybe, but not really. Because I know it doesn't mean anything. And it's not "real" and while I might get a little flustered at certain times because he may still manage to make me feel a certain way, when I honestly think about it, it's not what I really want or the way I want it to be. I may have grown out of it a little. That part makes me feel kind of good.

I feel like sometimes I know what I want, or least want to try, but I still can't obtain it. So I'm not really sure how I'm gonna get anywhere. I guess I have to just be diligent and patient, and work on things that I enjoy, things that will help me get places, and also, work on me. I see a lot of what I don't want, and I'm thankful that in those shoes. But I see examples of things that actually work, and I see that it exists and that it's out there, so why can't I have it too? Cheesy as it may be, I'm kind of a believer that things happen for a reason, and if it's meant to be it will be. But I need the pieces to start falling into place soon... even if's its just the corner ones, or the ones that are all the same color.

(sorry if this is incoherent.. i tried to go back and edit, but not sleeping all night has taken it's toll.)

ps. i also stayed up late/woke up early to try and win entrance to the private coldplay show. i REALLY want that. give it to me now.