the TV is my only true friend

maybe now i will blog more.

2011-11-07T02:46:00.000-08:00

things have not been going well. some better than others, but combined, not great. when things don't go well, i always tend to blame myself. i know that this is not healthy, but it's asian guilt, feeling responsible for everything, or just thinking you can fix everything, or at least should be able to.

to be honest, lately, i have not been my very best self. sometimes lazy, sometimes selfish, very often messy and uncaring to the details, and unmotivated to do things. and i wonder, is this what causes things to go wrong? because that light inside of me didn't really come through, all the things that should be good become bad.

you want to question all the things you should have done, wanted to do, didn't get to do. i try not to, because you can't change the past, so it doesn't help to dwell. i guess the only and best thing to do is learn and try to do better in the future. but i can tell you right now that it doesn't seem fair. i guess that's how you always feel when something doesn't work out in your favor either.

but there are worse things out there in the world, so overall, i am lucky.

ps. this was supposed to be a great month, my favorite month, but so far been pretty not so great. here's hoping it picks up. to aid that process, i might go watch harold and kumar, maybe that will start it off.

i am bad at social networking

2011-08-18T08:03:00.000-07:00

i was going to title this one "i am terrible at social networking" - but the previous post (from 2 months ago) is "i am terrible" and i didn't want to be that self defeating.

a few weeks ago (i just realized this) was my blog's 10th anniversary. what? i have had this blog for 10 years? that seems crazy. probably mostly because i stopped blogging a long time ago. i think myspace was the beginning of the demise of me blogging. there was a blog on that site and i would blog here, blog there, and would get confused on where i should post stuff. and then with all the social networks EVERYONE was on the internets, and i think i stopped wanting to share so much of my life and started to just post pictures. but i've gone through so many sites, and more and more, there are even more places to whore yourself on the internet: facebook, twitter, tumblr, blogspot, pinterest, google+, spotify, linkedin, instagram... seriously - who can keep up with all this? yet, I can't quite let it go. you always want the new thing, and to be part of it so you don't miss out. and then you expect people to know about your life because you posted it on the internet! but you have some friends here, and some friends there, and some friends not anywhere - and it's just all too exhausting.

ADDITIONALLY - i feel like it's now just become a place to be the most interesting, or have the coolest thing, or write about news so that people will follow you. my social networking isn't really about my opinions on popular subjects, or showcasing trendy things, but just about myself - and while you may care (hi the 3 people who read this blog, which includes my dad i've recently learned as he quoted my blog to me), the majority of the internets (aka strangers) don't. and not that i really care because am i really going to ever be an internet superstar (no.) but it might be a boring subject matter for those who do care and know you IRL (see.. i can get this internet lingo down - although i just had to google "smh" - when did that one happen??) mostly because the lack of response. people probably care, but if they don't tell you, how are you supposed to know? comments, "likes", re-posts.. it's all a form of self validation, and yes, everyone needs it. even you, you're lying to yourself if you say you don't. yes, you want to express yourself, and you're doing it for yourself, but you also want people to appreciate what you're putting out there. and i go back and forth about what to put out there, when, and when i do, how much i care about that reciprocation.

however, with that said, it seems like a crapshoot. i think i may be too far gone at this point to make a comeback on the internets. so i just ramble on, maybe make a little bit more of a concerted effort and just post for me, care a little less about if you read it, liked it or not, and maybe one day i'll figure it all out. until then, i congratulate those of you who can get through my wordy ramblings and still love me (and let me know it!)

xxoo.

i am terrible

2011-06-28T01:34:00.000-07:00

Holy moly it has been a long long time since I've blogged. I think I have quite a few entries that start off saying this. I haven't been so great at blogging or social media in general (this is slightly ironic considering my past) but oh wells. There are no rules. This is for me. I think of a lot of things to "blog" and "say" but they never really come to fruition. So I'm going to try to be better about that - so that I can keep a record or what I used to think this month of this year. It's kind of nice to be able to look back and read back on who you used to be.

So here are things that have been happening in these months of this new year.

I came back from Taiwan and was immediately thrust into working on another film project. It was a good experience though, the usual normal crazy person hours, some moments of hatefulness, some moments of laughter, and I met some really good people. I sort of hope there is a part two this experience. In the meantime, I'm still searching for that something that I want to do. Next. For now.

Recently, and really, let's be honest here, for the past few years, I've had this fitness thing in mind. Mostly to lose weight, and feel better about myself and my self image. And also to be healthy, because that comes along with it right? I've been wanting to do a "30 by 30" and lose 30 pounds by my 30th birthday. But as the weeks dwindle away, it seems a little less likely. HOWEVER. Inspired by a few friends and their fitness habits, and more time off I think should really take this fitness thing into high gear. Also that there are family events and weddings at the end of the summer and you want to look good when you're around lots of opinionated and not afraid to tell you Asian relatives. (My latest Skype chat with my father, he told me my face was fat and I needed to slim down. Thanks, dad.) So I'm wondering how good I can be about the not eating fatty foods (I baked 3 dozen cookies tonight), and making sure I exercise regularly and push myself. But why not? What's stopping me. Don't be lazy, Jean! This picture is pretty awe-inspiring, 2 months huh? That seems like a pretty good change. But I also need to do a lot more work than slimming down and toning, but a loss first overall. But I feel good, and that I can do it. One distraction is leaving my life, while 4 new ones are coming in, but it's all about working it out right? I have my spinning Living Social deal to use up, and maybe I will actually do this Bar Method thing. Give it a shot - can't hurt right? (Actually, it did hurt, my first Bar Method class left me sore for days.) Fitness Summer! Who's in?

4 distractions coming in - My sister and her THREE kids! hehe... My life is going to get a bit busier, but I'm excited for it. I say this now before the yelling/screaming/whining/fighting/pooping starts. But I love the little rugrats, so I'm excited to take them to the beach (be sure to use sunblock this time!), Disneyland, aquariums, or just to the park. Yayers. And take tons of adorable pix. Maybe I will renew that FlickrPro account, although I barely used it at all when I had it. Oops. I do struggle with the fact that I am easing up on the work search to spend some QT with the family, because of that sense of purpose or responsibility that I feel like I need, but I've also missed out on so many moments because I've been so busy working.

On an ending note. Things are good. Some things are frustrating, some things that make me sad, lots of things that make me happy, and there are a lot of things that I need to figure out. But I'm working on it. I hope this will be good. I know this will be good. Smileyface.

SIDEBAR

2011-02-09T21:23:00.000-08:00

saturday night, i went to a taiwanese club with a friend originally from LA who has been living here for over 2 years now. one thing he mentioned (besides how much of an awesome time he is having) is that "taiwan is GREAT for guys". that girls are more receptive, a little more forward, and don't expect as much. you hook up with a girl, and they don't expect you to date them/call them/do anything later - and then you see them out again at the club next week and everything is peachy keen. she might even go home with your friend that week, and this is all A-OK. the attitude is different and things are freer. i don't know if the last few sentences are actually true - but he mostly meant that girls are more responsive/receptive/appreciative(?) to male attention than in LA. (which.. could just be a snotty LA/girl feel like they need to act a certain way thing) however, i did notice girls being a lot more happy go lucky with the attention giving - which almost mad me dislike the girls more because i felt like they felt like they needed to do that in order for the guys to like them. but that's my american attitude coming in, and hence why "taiwan is great for guys". but maybe it's not such a terrible thing because they're just "having fun". maybe there should be a more carefree who-gives-a-fuck jean, but i don't know where that's going to come from just yet.

additionally - i went to a book expo. i was strollering my sister's kid, so all the vendors tried to chase after me to sucker me into buying stuff. having kids = bait for sales people. since apparently i just speak and they know i'm foreign, taiwanese people are not shy about letting you know they know you're not taiwanese (aka your chinese sucks/is different), and ask where you live. this one guy started asking me about what i do, if i was working, what i did with my kids. and then when i told him i didn't have kids, he asked if i was married or had a boyfriend. and i said no, and then he said something i didn't understand, and then i got a phone call and walked away. i'm not sure if it was him flirting, or him trying to sucker me into some sales pitch. however, it was a fail on both. for me and for him. yup... I AM AWKWARD.

ps. going to the book expo again today - maybe i'll see my man!

Oops

2011-02-06T11:14:00.000-08:00

remember that blog where i said that i was going to blog more, and better? yea... EPIC fail. much like my very failed project 365, and i realized the other day that aside from mobile uploads - i didn't upload a single album/set of pictures to facebook in 2010. so weird.

i used to be SO good about organizing my pictures and posting and sharing them. back in the day, my imagestation was where it was at. now i find organizing and labeling photos so tasking, probably because a) i take so many freaking pictures, and b) i use my iphone so much, and then have to use iphoto, and iphoto SUCKS BALLS. (and not in the good way). now i take a ton of pictures, and if I don't upload them to facebook, most likely no one really sees them. why did i buy that flickr pro account?

anyways, this post wasn't intended to be about berating myself - however, if i'm not spending my time doing all these things - what AM i doing? sometimes i'm not quite sure.

recently i found out a friend i used to hang out with pretty frequently about 4 years ago, is engaged now, as well as another one of our friends in that group. i have two issues with this - and here we go:

1. the fact that at some point in time, he had told me that things were going "okay", but he didn't really "love" the girl. a year or so ago, they moved in together, and now they are engaged. i don't know if it's realistic of me to think that you "know" when a certain person in "the one", but i kind of feel like you do - a least a little. aside from that, when people tell me that they feel a certain way about their significant other, and then decide to take whatever step forward, i wonder if things evolved and that person became your one? or do people settle with comfortable? because the stigma the latter most question evokes in me makes me sad. or do i expect too much? should i realize things aren't perfect and lower my standards? or just get used to being alone?

2. segueing into my next topic: in the past 4 years my life has changed a lot in some aspects, like who i hang out with a lot, but NOT AT ALL in others like knowing what i want to do with my life, relationship status, and feeling more grown up. there are all these people that are engaged, married or having babies, and i sometimes don't feel like i'm any further along ("real life" wise) than when i graduated college. i mean... of course i recognize i'm not the same person, and that's a good thing. but i don't always feel like i'm someone who's going to turn 30 this year. but then again, are marriage and kids really define someone who's 30? i sometimes look at people's wedding pictures and think they just look like they're two kids playing dress up.

so i guess i wonder if i've taken large steps over the past few years equivalent to something like finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and the answer is not really. i know it's not about comparing yourself to others (although that's not what i was taught as a chinese child!!) i'm pretty happy with my life the way it is - but i sometimes feel like i'm doing something wrong for not having the above, and not really trying harder to go after and get it more at this point in time. if i wanted to go find some schmuck to get married to, i think i could probably find a least one sucker. but i don't to settle or put forth the actual effort to find "the one" (if that even exists!), besides the fact that i don't think i'm genuinely ready to properly be concerned with someone else in my life right now. i can barely figure out life for myself! but i feel like i should be careful because i don't want to be the spinster that ends up all alone while all her friends have moved on. or am i just being silly worrying about that right now?

Working for the Weekend

2010-10-16T11:10:00.000-07:00

or rather... on the weekend:

Some of my favorite things

2010-10-13T12:12:00.000-07:00

Sunset from a few days ago. Simple things like this make me smile...

Somewhere, Out there, Beneath the pale moonlight

2010-10-11T23:57:00.000-07:00

So I was supposed to leave early today, but I got stuck doing some tasks.. and when I'm FINALLY getting ready to leave at like 11ish or so a co-worker tells me there's a mouse in the traps near the crafty area and you can hear it squeaking. I find a TINY baby mouse stuck to one of the mouse traps, also laden with reese’s peanut butter cups to lure potential mice... smart, but cruel. How do you resist peanut butter cups??

It was so small and cute and sad… and squeaking, and writhing around to try to get free... his entire side body was stuck to that trap. SO.. I got one of the cleaning guys and a co-worker to help me take the trap the sidewalk – armed with a fork and knife, I pried him off the trap and tried to free the mouse. There was so much goo on him, that he just kind of stuck to the sidewalk and my co-worker told me he was done for. He took the fork and laid it near the bushes.

I couldn't bear the thought of the mouse just dying on the sidewalk, and started my own animal rescue initiative. 3 minutes later, I went back armed with rubber gloves, water and smoking ash (with Berto, the cleaning guy, aka my new friend) – to try to clean him off.. and he was gone. Not sure if my other co-worker moved him because I was so sad about him just dying on the street, a bum picked him up, or now there’s a baby mouse roaming the streets of Venice with a fork stuck to his back. But this is how I get stuck until midnight at work when I really just wanted to leave at 8pm today...

Safe to say.. I am anti-sticky mouse traps.

Yea.. those little dots? That's rat poo. Little baby rat poo.

Do's & Don'ts

2010-09-03T15:49:00.000-07:00

I'm friends with a lot of people who don't want kids. Alarmingly, a lot. Amongst those friends, I'm the "caring" one that WANTS kids. (Although I really think their exaggeration for my want, is due to their extreme un-want.) While I am that girl who wants a family in the future, I can't really fathom any of this future Jean fate happening any time soon. Nor am I the girl who likes feelings, be really cutesy cutesy all the time, and cry when I'm single on Valentine's Day. Yea, you know the girl I'm talking about. It actually kind of perplexes me how people function like that sometimes. I also think I get scared of feelings, which gets in the way, but that's another post for another day.

Thus, I am this person, that loves love, but only if it makes sense to me. If you don't, then you get the sarcastic mocking attitude with raised eyebrows and looks of disdain. And this conversation....

JeanH: shelley told me that she heard [name retracted] is engaged
JeanH: i found out yesterday [names retracted] are living together
JeanH: what is this world coming to?
rubbrduckee: HAHAHAHAH
rubbrduckee: I'm telling you
rubbrduckee: everyone is getting married or having babies
rubbrduckee: we could probably stay friends if you get married
rubbrduckee: but definitely no on babies
JeanH: haha
JeanH: as long as i don't post every detail of my married life as my facebook status?
rubbrduckee: [names retracted of couple living together]. wow.
JeanH: i know.. right? he told me and i was like... "oh.. okay"
rubbrduckee: oh, yeah, and don't ever write on his wall
JeanH: or fb my husband all the time?
JeanH: HAHAHAHAHA.
rubbrduckee: i mean, i guess sometimes.
rubbrduckee: like, once a month
rubbrduckee: tops
rubbrduckee: and
rubbrduckee: AND
rubbrduckee: couple pictures can only be profile pictures if they're REALLY EPIC
JeanH: got it..
JeanH: i can handle all that.
rubbrduckee: no pictures where you hold out your camera and take it yourself
rubbrduckee: because ew
rubbrduckee: make friends.
JeanH: hahaha.
JeanH: THIS THE BEST CONVERSATION.
rubbrduckee: HAHAHAHHAHA

another lost email, found

2010-06-08T04:45:00.001-07:00

found this email from my sister in 1996. it's funny how invested we would get in such frivolous things:

"don't know how you can stand to watch it. austin and carrie are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO retarded. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. don't they have any other friends? then they could be like, YOU IDIOTS, just forget about sami and lucas. who cares if they are in love with you.. just be with the person you want to be with.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

what else are you going to watch tonight?"

2010-04-26T19:10:00.000-07:00

found scribbled on a piece of paper - probably from 6 years ago.

me: oops, I forgot to get a gift for Linh
my dad: I've got an extra shoe horn in my trunk
me: um, I don't think she uses a shoe horn
dad: everyone uses a shoe horn, especially for high heels
me: haha
dad: see, it's a very practical gift.

email from my dad this morning:

"Thanks God... I didn't do it"

You might not get it, but my dad is a freaking riot.

2010-04-21T01:42:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I went to a wedding of a family friend. My mom wanted me to come to talk to her friend's son, and at first I wasn't sure if she was trying to set me up, or if it really was because we both went to UCSD, and he works at Disney so she thought it'd help. Either way, it was slightly a bust - but thanks for trying, mom. There are a few things that I did learn this weekend - mostly more to add to the do and don't wants of my wedding (which is not happening annnnytime soon - but I guess I can still have a list.)

1. During the opening reception/cocktails/dinner part - I don't think I just want lovey dovey songs on the playlist. I know it's all supposed to set the mood - but slightly cheesy don't you think?

2. Lots of alcohol will be involved. Lots.

3. Even though Dorina hates it as a wedding song, I still might play Canon in D. The first time I heard it for a wedding march song was at my sister's wedding. I thought she was so ingenious for doing it. Every wedding I've been to since then does it. Was this something I just never really knew about before? Or was my sister ahead of the trend. Either way - this song elicits a severly emotional reaction from me. And it's not like I bawl or anything, but I tear up, kind of a lot. This is severe for me though, because I'm not really a crier. But funny thing is that they played the song (which is so pretty), and I started tearing up (thank goodness for sunglasses), and then started thinking about how funny it would be if the bride's poofy dress knocked over one of the vases with a candle in it lining the walkway and caused a giant fire and started to snicker. This is me at weddings.

4. I'd probably want to have "us" write our own vows. I say probably because I am not a writer. I can't really do anything but cheesy. So real emotional words that I have to repeat in front of everyone I know? Forget about it. However, I think the standard "til death do us part" speech can be kind of... insincere - so where's the happy medium?

5. I'd probably want an outdoor wedding, and if it is - do you mic everyone involved? I know it's not like The Bachelor wedding or anything - but it's also boring if you can't hear what's going on - and I don't want to be yelling or anything. That's something I haven't put a lot of thought into, but seems like one of those important things.

6. Not so much a do/don't - but something I "learned".. in quotes because it's probably something I already knew, but never ceases to amaze me. Chinese parents are judg.ey. How many times did I get asked when it's my turn? Who am I going to marry? How much conversation did I need to endure about who I look like? Who I act like? That I'm better looking and comments on my facial features? How I've evolved and changed and now I'm more "lady like"? How I compare to my sister? How I compare to their kids? Yes, I am different than the loud-mouthed little girl who would come to your house - but not by much, I just know how to keep it in check better. A little. And you're just going to wait on that wedding of mine. But I should have it soon so my parents can invite all their friends and recoup the money that they've given as gifts.

7. I definitely want to keep the whole aisle way down the middle thing. So my outdoor locale will just have to accommodate that. It just seems more efficient for being seen and people's viewing pleasure.

8. If you're going to have a dance floor inside, don't put the bar outside. I know where my friends will choose if forced.

2010-04-16T01:46:00.000-07:00

This is not really the first post back to re-emerge with - but I've been thinking about this one for awhile, so let's dance.

I recently have been spending a lot of time in the crazy place. (And I like how I say recently, like my whole life isn't really just that.) But it fits so well and so easy to call this place where I spend so much of my time. This may or may not be shocking to you, because, for the most part, I'm usually more normal and (I hope) logical than most. I give great advice, but suck at taking my own. I also do tend to dwell, over-analyze and over-think. This is something I'm really trying to do less of, but is hard. I've just been built that way. However, it's nice to know that the population of the crazy place isn't just one.

Does that make it okay? I'm not sure.

Another thing I've been thinking about lately: I don't know how effective feelings by committee are. I tend to ask a lot of questions, seek out a lot of advice, because I'm unsure of where to go and what to do. But everyone I ask only knows the situation from the story I tell. And I used to think that I tell really objective recounts, but maybe that's not true now either, because inevitably how you feel about the situation, and the details you notice that are important to you, affect the narration. I should probably stop asking other people to tell me how I should feel, or really even to ask them to validate how I'm feeling, and just figure it out for myself. I feel like I should stop being uber-sharey the second I feel sort of comfortable with someone. That's probably a bad thing to do.

There is a lot out there I have not experienced. I think that's why I ask so many questions, because I'd like someone to guide me and tell me where to go. Unfortunately, I'm slowly learning, it's probably a solo journey because no one can really tell me where I want to go in my life. People can tell me what to do, but I think I'm a firm believer that people need to learn their own lessons before they'll really make the change. Before I don't think I really understood why people made some of the decisions they made, said the things they did, or chose to behave a certain way. And as over-analytical as I can be - I guess it comes down to the crazy place. And this quiet desperation to get out of it. And the things that you do make you think that it'll help you out, but it only digs you deeper. So I may just need to stay in the crazy place until I learn to climb out on my own.

On a totally unrelated topic: I'm going to an orientation Saturday for a program where I learn how to sail tall ships, and then get to teach at-risk youth how to sail. I think it'll be fun, and I hope rewarding where I feel like I'm making a difference. I just have to add finding a big girl job to that and I'll be a happier camper. And then move on to sort above said shit out.

Back to related subjects:
and you
over think
always speak
cryptically
i should know
that you're no good for me

it's been awhile...

2010-04-12T23:47:00.000-07:00

so, this is not a real post.. but just a pre-quel to a post.. or something like that. i've really been wanting to try to blog more, along with reviving my project 365 which i FAILED MISERABLY at... but there are a few things i need to settle, and i need to become a whole lot better at managing my time when i'm busy or things get going or i have any remote semblance of something called work... but i'm trying. i really am. i want to be a grown up. and with that note... i'll leave you with this.. until i actually get back on the blogging train.

2009-11-28T14:42:00.000-08:00

Last year, a bunch of my friends went to Vegas to gather at a friend's parents' house for Thanksgiving, eat way too much food, drink a lot, and hit up the strip. I missed out because I had a wedding to go to. Not that I didn't enjoy seeing my friend get married, but I missed out on a good trip. I vowed to make it up this year.

This week I have been preparing my final week of Funemployment and I start back up at a job next week. Tuesday I drove down to San Pedro for the best meatball sandwich ever, ate lunch on the beach, and then walked around the aquarium that I used to volunteer for in high school. I forgot how much I liked that aquarium and sea life and how I wanted to be a marine biologist before I figured that was "too much" science and lost my way down the rabbit hole of the entertainment industry. Then I sort of wished that I had spent my 8 months of funemployment doing things like that instead of just sleeping or being lazy at home. But resting up should not be taken for granted either. It made me realize (yet again) that I shouldn't be afraid to do things because it seems like a hassle, or too time consuming, or something that I "shouldn't" be doing.

Awhile back my roommate sent me this quote:

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

- Mark Twain

And I find that that's how I should try to live my life. That and not obsessing or being upset over the things that happened in the past I can't change. I have to pick myself up, learn from my mistakes and do better next time.

Thus, this weekend I find myself in Vegas. I spent Thanksgiving with my dad and even snuck in a black friday online shopping hour with Dre, a Bigfoot West visit (because there's always time for that), and then I packed up a few things (yes few, as in not enough, this is why I should always over pack!), and drove myself out to Vegas. Around Baldwin Park, I started to question it and wonder if it was really a "smart" idea because I had "things to do" at home. But I was a little too far to just turn around and go back. And then you're on that stretch of the 15 that NEVER seems to end and all of a sudden you see the Primm lights, and you finally find yourself in Vegas.

I forgot how fun it was to hang out with this group of friends. When we were around the craps table tripling our money, coming to Vegas this weekend was the best idea ever. We'll see how the rest of the weekend goes. But I have a plan...

1. Don't drink too much like you did on your birthday. And if you do, eat more than hummus and a smoothie. (Going to Burger Bar for dinner tonight!!)
2. Don't pull out extra money on your credit card because you want to gamble - the cash you brought was good enough for now... you'll be back in two weeks.
3. Don't lose (or break) your cell phone (or camera).
4. Stick with your gut feelings
5. Smile and have a good time.
6. Don't get a speeding ticket.

Big Thanksgiving Dinner

2009-11-26T21:20:00.000-08:00

And I didn't even have to cook anything

2009-11-03T01:15:00.000-08:00

I've recently thought that I should pimp myself out more. Not in real life, but on the internet. And not through eHarmony (not yet anyways), but through my blog. Once upon a time ago, my blog was huge to me. I'd write on it all the time, what I ate for lunch, who I talked to, how I did on my papers. Yea, I was that girl. And in my AIM profile, I'd have a link to my blog, with a cheesy quote from some MTV show and I thought I was so clever. I didn't get a bazillion comments, but I knew people were reading it, and people I didn't know were reading it, and people I knew, but not that well would read it. And for the most part, I was okay with that. I actually probably loved it. And then somewhere along the line, I thought that writing all about my life on the internet wasn't really my thing anymore, and I didn't want people to know about me. And then my MySpace blog took a little bit of precedent, and who knows, it just kind of tumbled into obscurity. Bloggity blog o' mine is starting to make a come back. Small at first, but hopefully later.. HUGE! (that's what she said).

This is also a little hard because I don't really know if this blog is going to have a clear cut theme. There are a million blogs out there, and people "need" a reason to want to read you. Food, fashion, technology, art, music, etc etc etc. I'm not really any one of those things, and even though there's TV in the title, I don't really talk about it that much (that would have actually been clever, Jean.) So then I'm stuck at a "what to do".

And I think the answer is maybe to just continue on, but better. And then maybe I'll find my niche naturally instead of trying to cram myself into one. I kind of like that I can read this blog and reminisce about things I did in a certain year or day. Or the fun stories, good pictures, or trips to look back on. Is that wrong? Is that not the right path to take? Am I not that interesting? I guess I'll find out... and until then, I'm debating how much I want to pimp myself out.

ps. Update on my friend, 42" Plasma: Philips customer service blows. I kind of expected it because that's what I had read on the interwebs. I also didn't expect it to be under warranty because it has been almost 3 years and I didn't purchase any plan of any kind. But I called them anyways and they told me that because it's an "older" model, they didn't so phone support, but only web support and to check their website. Which is pitiful. There's almost no help at all to be found on that site, unless you're a moron, and then maybe they can tell you how to put batteries in your remote. I bought my TV from Costco, and they sent me a "Concierge service" postcard. I called that number to see what they could do for me, they helped me troubleshoot and actually did get my TV to turn on! But then it failed again. So they're sending a service person out tomorrow to figure out how to fix my TV. And if they can't fix it, I'll probably get a replacement. And I asked how much it would cost me? $0. My size of TV qualifies for protection 4 years from purchase date, for free. Freaking. Love. Them. Like I need another reason to love Costco even more. But I do. All my TV's will now be purchased from Costco. There was a 62" that I had my eye on the other day when I walked in. :P

2009-11-02T05:15:00.000-08:00

Today is a sad day indeed. When I started this blog, I titled it as such, because sometimes I really do feel that way. TV is there for me, to make me feel better when I'm blue, and I can always turn to it in a time of need. Today, my only true friend died.

Well actually, I mean TV in the general sense and institution of it, and not my one specific TV, so it's a little less tragic, but really sad for me nonetheless. A little less than 3 years ago, I bought myself a new 42" plasma television as a birthday present to myself. It was something I thought would look great in our new apartment, and despite my mom saying it wasn't necessary, I bought one anyways. I did love the way my TV looked, and often am so pleased by it. Tonight, after I had finished logging mounds of footage, I went downstairs to finally catch up on TV that we had been neglecting for weeks, and the TV wouldn't turn on. It would make the clicking noises on, but then immediately turn off, and then there would be beeping red lights. That's never a good sign.

I checked my user manuals, and my roommate googled the symptoms and found that this problem is actually common with this brand/model, and Philips will charge you like $500 to fix, but you can DIY for less than $100. That also involves me cracking open my own TV. I'm gonna have to check my risk to pay out ratio. I went back to my room, checked some internets, worked a little bit more and sulked. I don't know why I am so sad. It was one of my prized possessions and loves, but it's just a large piece of machinery. Maybe because I can't just go out and get a new one given current economic status. I also hate when things break because then I feel that I did something wrong. Also because it's not even 3 years old, it shouldn't be just up and breaking. What a shame.

I'll let you know if my friend can be resurrected. Keep us in your thoughts and wish us luck.

2009-10-29T04:37:00.000-07:00

I need your help

2009-10-28T01:11:00.000-07:00

On the top of my list of things that make me awkward is interacting with drivers in the next car over. Maybe it's a personal space issue, maybe it's a "don't talk to strangers thing" imbedded in me from when I was young, but I always think it's so weird making eye contact with people on the road in other cars.

In LA where so much of your time is spent in a car, it may rank up there as "places to meet people". Recently I was driving home from the valley and some guy started yelling at me and honking his horn to get attention. My windows were shut and I could still hear him. I maaaaybe would have turned to look if except A. He sounded 19, B. He was really obnoxious about it and that's not attractive, C. I was having a really shitty day and didn't want to deal with stupid people. Sometimes I think, "hey, maybe I should have given him a chance". He may have been the hottest guy I had seen in my life. But including all of the facts above, D. That's so awkward.

Today, I was driving to the AT&T store to get a new sim card and a pretty attractive man pulled up in a silver 4 runner. It was a nice hot 86 degrees out this fine Monday in October, so I was driving with my windows down. He pulled up and smiled at me and I half grinned back. I looked away and pretended to be really interested on something on my side of the street, the radio, my fingernails. Anything except looking at "pretty attractive man". Then I got the courage to take a better look at him and he thankfully was looking away. But then he started to turn his head and I immediately looked away. Yes, I'm a chicken. That's my zodiac sign, maybe it's in my blood. I could be totally wrong. Maybe he was just being nice. But I still imagine all the scenarios that could have happened and all the pretty attractive children we would have had had I maybe just tried a little bit? Is that what this is all about? I think I'm pretty much doomed anyways.

Do you interact with other drivers? What do you do when someone rolls up next to you in the car and smiles? Are you attracted when someone yells at you from the next car? I can't be alone in this... can I?

Tales from work today

2009-10-13T20:14:00.001-07:00

I caught a major mistake that will require a change to the rest of the days... Yet I don't know if they'll even know it was me who caught it or that they should be glad that I happened to be there at that particular moment.

I had to go to the psychic eye bookstore, kind of creeped me out.

I also went to Joann's. It made me kind of wish that I was crafty and that I could buy this a bunch of stuff from this store and make really cool stuff.

Please and thank you go a long way. Learn to use them. And mean it.

Still wondering about this whole entertainment thing.

2009-10-06T00:34:00.000-07:00

So, I got a job... sort of. A pseudo job. I'm going to be PA'ing on an indie short for the next week and a half. Bright sides are that I'm going to be working on a movie (!!)l, it seems pretty legit and organized, the guys running it aren't asshats, and I'm going to be getting paid (and won't end up with a $425 U-Haul charge on my card that will take me 2 weeks to resolve). Downside is that I'm not getting paid very much, I'll be driving my ass all around town picking up food and taking care of people, and I have to commute to the valley. All in all, I think (I hope) it'll be a good experience. At least it'll take me a mini-step further in the "what do I want to do" path. I hope.

*And then it will be 6 weeks to go until the Show, and then another 12 to really figure out where this life is heading. That's D-season, people.*

2009-10-02T02:37:00.000-07:00

It's October!

Aaaand.. I'm not really any further along than I should be. At least not in a measurable sense. I keep thinking about whether I should still be trying to cram stuff into the next 8 weeks I have off. It doesn't sound like a long time when you put it that way, but it kind of is. I'm still doing some searching and hunting and trying to find work to fill my time, but the outlook is grim. I went to a mixer where are girl told me she got rejected by 5 temp agencies because they didn't have enough jobs to staff the temps they already had. Things seem to be floating around, and I'm trying to find that right in, but it's just not there, so yea.

Let's have a look see at this list.

1. Figure out how to work my Nikon DSLR - well.
I went to a class @ Samy's, and learned some tips. I still have a far ways to go, and some more stuff to learn and memorize... Things don't stick in my brain like they used to....

2. Learn how to drive stick.
I'm going to start next week dammit.

3. Work on:
a. SOFA reel
b. Sakura/Jimmy wedding video
c. Olivia/Chinson wedding video
d. Annie/Mraz Hotel Cafe video

4. Take Logging/Transcription test - for fun/depth/possible jobs
was wondering if I should still do this, I obviously have not

5. Apply with Creative Temp Agency
see rambling above

6. Start Tennis Classes or find ppl to play with (anyone??)
I got into this class, but it was just a class where you do a hour of drills. Not really great, but I think I can transfer into another class, or at least I'm hoping.

Bonus -
?Build a website for myself?
Got a book, haven't started reading it....

So I pretty much such at this list thing. Grr. I know I know... begin to berate me. maybe that will motivate me. I feel like there is a lot of stuff I "have" been doing, I guess I can't really say much of what. I have been trying to gym it up more often, and that always seems to suck and enormous part of the day up. Not an excuse, but just letting you know. I guess that excuse only works if you can see the results huh?

One thing I did do, is go to The Griddle Cafe in Hollywood and have their Red Velvet Pancakes. They're absolutely freaking AMAZING. I think I twittered and facebook'ed about them enough, but here are some more scrumpdidilyumptious pictures. I found out about them by reading Eliza Dushku's twitter, and it's basically one of the best things I've done last month.

I'll leave you with a few key moments with my parents:

Dad: Are you okay?
Jean: Yea... I just forgot my eye drops
Dad: You should just cry, then it's like natural eye drops
Dad: How about if I pinch you? *pinch*
Jean: Ouch!
Dad: See, tears. Better now?

Mom: There's been a lot of typhoons and floods in Thailand and Philippines
Jean: Yea, I know
Mom: I was thinking about putting all my "special things" upstairs on the 2nd floor, so you know, they don't get ruined.
Jean: That's silly
Mom: No, like hurricane Katrina! Like all the electronics and my treasures.

Riot and a half.

2009-09-24T02:48:00.001-07:00

Here are some random thoughts that will make up one long blog.

It's my first nephew's birthday today. Happy Birthday Jake! Yay! I wish I could be there to celebrate and bring cupcakes to his class, and all that other fun stuff, but I can't... so we sent this birthday package from LA. It was truly a family effort, which was cute, and I really do love birthdays. I don't know if I feel like I have to make a big deal of them because I always wanted my family to make a big deal of mine and maybe I felt like they didn't? Or I just think people should be able to feel special every once in awhile, but MOST definitely at least once a year.

There were some other goodies in it for Jake's mom, and some for Brandon because we didn't want him to feel too left out, although really, at this age they won't "really" remember. Or so I think. But that's how we roll. We didn't really include anything for my bro-in-law, so I feel a little bad, but I got him a cool Christmas present, so I'm okay with it.

I ran into Neighbor Crush tonight. Of course I finally run into when I'm coming home from the gym all sweaty, hair retarded, and scummy. Some dude friends (and I've read online...) say that it's okay, it's actually "hotter" because you see the girl all "natural" - but I don't believe them. Luckily my pores took a break from the sweating profusely streak, and it wasn't that bad. And I was wearing makeup - so I didn't just sit in my car until he walked in. Because that's not awkward. We chatted about sushi and running and then afterwards, I was kicking myself for saying "You're all dressed up" instead of "You look nice" or "Yes, Asakuma, it's really good, I do recommend it" instead of "Yes, Asakuma, we should go there sometime!" It really is the little change in words that makes a difference. Unfortunately for me, my brain does not think that fast. FAIL. I wish I could just say the things that pop into my head because sometimes (not that link) they are good conversation topics that could lead to other things. And I need to not just be the fun friend girl. Someone needs to step it up over here. ARGH.

For some odd reason, I'm gonna hope that it's not just coincidence that he's the neighbor I see most, and don't really see much of other neighbors - but opportunity is only going to knock on my door so many times. Aaaand I just keep wasting them. Maybe I really should sign up for eHarmony. Everything is easier online.

Speaking of eHarmony.. I got a "nudge" from a dude tonight. To quote eHarmony: "[dude] has requested that we "nudge" you because you have not responded to his latest request for communication. "Nudge"is a friendly way of saying 'I am very interested in getting to know you better, please login and start communicating with me.'" That is the most unflattering way to define "Nudge" and puts you way at the bottom of the list Mr. Needy. I mean, really, I'm being unfair having this profile and these matches without a real intention of replying just yet, and I guess it has been 8 days - but this is the internet, and it's quite possible I'm busy or just not interested. Funny enough though is that he was kind of at the bottom of a "hypothetical" list anyways. So this nudge becomes negative. Yet, if it came from Mr. Goodwill Ambassador, I bet I would be all flushed and flattered. Maybe.

AND I don't know why but I was really amused by these pens I saw at Staples. You squeeze them and the eyes pop out, I thought it was the funnest/cutest thing ever. Good thing my mom was there to stop me from buying one of each character, there were like 20 different kinds.

2009-09-18T01:38:00.000-07:00

I am indecisive at it's BEST. This may not be a good example, but I keep going back and forth on this eHarmony.com thing. What eHarmony.com thing do you ask? Well, let me tell you.

For me, it all started out with a comment I heard during this Gap Born to Fit party where some internet friends were discussion eHarmony and one girl mentioned she met her husband there. They're huge internet people, makes sense for them to meet other people on the internet right? I didn't really think much of it. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against meeting people on the internet - I think it's just my intense fear of rejection that makes me hate it. I can be fun and quirky and great online, and for the most part, what you see is what you get. But to be totally honest, pictures you see of me online, they're all "good pictures of me" - not photoshopped or anything, but there are some really unflattering pictures that WILL NOT see the light of day. And some pictures are better than others, the ones where I'm holding my head at just the right angle, or the shadows make my legs look longer. Those are the ones I emphasize. Shut up, don't judge, you do it too.

So, not that I think that I'm a hobbit or anything, but I guess I fear that people have these images of what they want in their head, and maybe my online person doesn't match up to my real life person. I know that I'm not 100% happy with how I look, so there are definitely things that someone could be like "yea... not so much." OR the same would go for me if I met someone, and you know, I'd feel really terrible about saying.. "oh, nevermind" - I hate being mean. And it's not that I'm that vain or that superficial, but I can be. And maybe I don't want to have to admit it. But really, I think it's my crazy fear of failing.

Well that was an interesting sidenote. Okay. After that night, I didn't think much about eHarmony, a few jokes here and there, and then one day, a conversation about how 20% of people aren't matchable. Apparently it's true, a friend of a friend of a friend got an apologetic email saying that they had no matches for them at that time (sounds like an urban myth, but I'm pretty sure it's true). So, for shits and giggles, I took the test. And made everyone I know take it too. HAH. Now, we're getting matches and a few communication requests (except for D who had her account CLOSED.. HAH.. we think it was cuz of the "Your Mom" jokes... lame!) Sometimes I get really into it and read everyone profiles and other times I think that trying to find my soulmate is too much damn work. However, I can't answer anyone's communication requests because I'm not a full fledged member ie. paid member. Nor is it "free communication" weekend. You need to have another one of those eHarmony... This social experiment needs to be flushed out! Do you hear me?

I go back and forth on whether I am going to "do it" or not (totally unrelated to my previous post!) and it's a toss up. The other day I was totally adamant that I was going to delete my account because I'm not "ready" to meet my soulmate. That there are a lot of "me" things that I need to take care of first before I start trying to think of other people. And then there's part of me that thinks that it would be "interesting" to meet other people. I'm still not quite sure how I feel. It could be ~~great~~ alright, or it could be terrifying, or I could also end up sobbing on my couch with a carton of ice cream. I think I'm mostly in the terrifying category. Yes, I'm still 12 years old. I think that either I feel like I'm not ready, and that these other people are really vested and serious about it. Or I think that I want it to be more "natural" than that. It's nice to see that there's are "good guys" out there, and so then I'm like, I'll eventually meet one of them one day. But what if I don't, it's not like I regularly chat people up in the supermarket, and I honestly could have passed by at least one of these people in my life already. Actually one or two of these guys may even be people I used to work with (also another deathly fear of mine). So what if I let "the one" get away? I initially also didn't want to spend actual money on this, I exclaimed "it's $60!" and B says "yea, cuz you didn't just spend that the other night on alcohol?" Which is true. I spent $72 on jaegerbombs (because they didn't have carbombs)... And $32 dollars on toasted marshmallow/girlscout cookie/lambic on Monday night. I could have found a soulmate and a half by now.

So...

If only there was a way that we could all join together and see all of our matches and talk to them all for one price.

ps. how much would my parents die if I was like "hi, this is my boyfriend and I met him on the Internet"?

pps. On a TOTALLY unrelated topic - Rob Buckley is on One Tree Hill now? HILARIOUS.

2009-09-15T01:54:00.001-07:00

Talk with myself. Talk with friends. Talk with roommate. I'm gonna do it.

Not quite sure what IT is, I have some ideas, but it's gonna happen.

Driving home on the 10

2009-09-14T15:34:00.001-07:00

2009-09-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

In LA, I forget how closely related regular life and the entertainment industry can be. That sounds really stupid, cuz you know... I'm freaking in it. But with that said, it's kind of just like "normal life" for me. Which also sounds stupid and spoiled... I'm sorry. Also add in the fact that I still get all star struck and nervous around celebrities, and have a hard time behaving myself. But a friend of mine works for a ex-boyband member, I've sat in rooms with major film stars and watched TV events being filmed, my sister has shared beef noodle soup with uber hotness male celebs and when some dude in a bar says "oh I f*cked [every nerd boy dream's favorite movie star]'s daughter" our friend says, "oh, you mean my sister?" And yet, while I'm still so close to it. I'm still so far away.

The other day there was a shoot of some sort going on in the parking lot behind the laundromat/market across the street. I really wanted to walk over and be like "Hey! Do you need help? I'm awesome!" but it doesn't quite work that way either. My friend tells me that I need to put myself more in positions where I am vunerable... and sure, rejection sucks, but it happens and then you move on, right? Anyways.. that's not the point of this particular blog. The point of this one is that I was having lunch with a friend of mine and she was telling me a story about meeting her neighbors. She had met all different family members, but not the actual woman who lived there. And one day she finally does and they get to talking and my friend says, yea... she's like an actress on this show.. umm.. How I Met Your Mother? To steal Andrea's words and use a phrase I'm not sure what it means but seems appropriate... OMGWTFBBQ. That is one of my all time freaking FAV.OR.ITE. shows. I really think I might just start camping out in my friend's front lawn. Like that's not creepy. Can I just hand them my resume and be like "oh hey... umm.. can you get me a job on your show?" Could the world just work like that for once? *sigh.

If I go missing, check the local jails, because I might get arrested for stalking.

2009-09-09T05:33:00.000-07:00

Despite being tired earlier, and really wanting to get my sleeping schedule on track - I am still up at 5:30am. Yay. I'm sort of debating if I should just head to the gym now and get it over with since if I go to sleep I'll wake up afternoon sometime, be tired and usually end up skipping the gym, as it's been in the past few days. *sigh. My dad said recently that if I wasn't going to get a job, I should at least lose a few pounds because what else am I going to do with my time right? I half agreed. Thanks dad. But I think I'll not going to the gym right at this moment so I don't fall asleep on the treadmill and become the next "girl smacks face falling off treadmill" youtube sensation.

I'm not totally wasting my time when I'm up this late. The peace and quiet of the night helps a little bit in the freedom of internet searching. It starts out as a few harmless job site searches, and then gets distracted to twittering/facebooking/looking at real estate/stalking/photo'ing and who else knows. But... I have gotten a few ideas, and I think I need to have a "get ass in gear" plan for the next 3 months. Because try as I may (and I still really will!) it's proving a tad bit difficult to find a job. So I'm going to keep list on this blog, so maybe I'll feel a little more accountable towards it than the white board in my room that I constantly ignore.

Feel free to offer to help with any of these things too... that's also part of posting it up here :) And then you know, ask me about if I've done something. But in the least annoying way possible because then I might punch you in the face.

In No Particular Order:

1. Figure out how to work my Nikon DSLR - well.
2. Learn how to drive stick.
3. Work on:
a. SOFA reel
b. Sakura/Jimmy wedding video
c. Olivia/Chinson wedding video
d. Annie/Mraz Hotel Cafe video
4. Take Logging/Transcription test - for fun/depth/possible jobs
5. Apply with Creative Temp Agency
6. Start Tennis Classes or find ppl to play with (anyone??)

Bonus -
?Build a website for myself?

That's what I've got so far that I can think of. How about add "go to bed before the sun comes up"...

2009-09-09T04:30:00.000-07:00

iSighting with the sis & kiddies.. yay for technology.

and here's another picture i am very recently much in love with.

2009-09-07T17:47:00.000-07:00

I wish that everything had a label like this.

2009-09-05T05:53:00.001-07:00

So.. I have a story. And as I'm sitting here not able to sleep, I'll start to type this out.

I am fairly certain that it's going to be very hard for me to find a date and/or relationship from a bar. I don't know how people do it. And I know that's why most advice is for you to join a group or do activities you love, so that you can meet connect with the people who have the same interests as you. But the older I get the more awkward I feel about things like that and I don't do awkward well.

Friday night. I meet up with some friends at a bar in Hollywood. It's a trendy scene, not super flashy terrible like some other Hollywood places, so I kind or enjoy this place. When I go to bars, I generally focus on hanging out with my friends. I'll notice attractive people, but I rarely get hit on and even less make the first move. I don't put myself "out there". I avoid eye contact, most physical contact, and anything that would even remotely lead a guy to think I maybe possibly might be noticing them. I'm not quite sure how to change that. I think I want to? But I'm also not entirely sure. Maybe because I'm scared of rejection, also probably because I think it's awkward and I avoid awkward and uncomfortable like the plague.

At some point my roommate has this weird look on her face and is glancing behind me. I turn around to expecting to see something ridiculous that we're going to laugh about, and there's a guy like an inch away from my face. Was so not expecting that. Apparently he came up and was dancing behind me for a bit, which I had no clue (and wasn't even on a dance floor) so to me, when I turn around, I just have guy who is staring at me intently with his face ridiculously close to mine and not even a smile or a hi or anything. Especially since I'm completely sober, I just smile and I'm like "uh hi" while laughing and just immediately turn around. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! In all honesty, it's not like anything was going to really happen, but I can't even have a conversation with someone being so forward? And the answer is, not really. I won't make the first move and I can't talk to guys who do, so ummm .. I'm basically screwed. (and not in the good way). Conversations have to be natural, or how about there needs to be a conversation. Am I expecting too much? Or maybe I need to give up this not drinking thing and then I can jut talk to anyone anytime.

He walks away and I regret it a little bit. Because, you know, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. But of course I don't do anything about it. I think I see him outside afterwards, and wonder what I could say to him, but it never happens. Now I sit here thinking, "oh, it could have went down like this." Too freaking late, brain. But I guess it comes down to that I'm not quite comfortable in my own skin. Or I worry too much about being wrong or not doing the right thing that I just end up not doing much at all. Life isn't a sideline sport, Jean, but there's a lot that has to happen before I dive head first into the freezing cold water.

The roommate likes to make fun of me saying that in order for a guy to show me he's interested he'd have to take off his pants. And then I'd still be like "oh, are you hot? I can turn the A/C on.". I don't think it's QUITE that extreme, but I'm pretty sure moments like the one tonight are going to happen again. Repetitive motion until I learn right? Muscle memory?

Who has tips for me? Flirting boot camp?

2009-09-03T09:52:00.000-07:00

i had been spending lots of family time with my nephews and while hanging out and playing mario galaxy, i like to observe them. their emotions are probably the simplest and truest state. they want to be loved, they want attention, they want to be the best. they can't completely comprehend why they can't have something, why they have to wait so long, or why they just can't have it their way. everything the older one is doing, the little one wants to do too. but the older one doesn't want to share or do they same thing, he wants to do his own thing. i wonder if that's how my sister and i behaved, all the time. me chasing her around, and her grabbing her things and running away from me. i know when we were older she absolutely hated it, and hated when my mother would tell her that she had to bring me places or share, like i'm telling my nephews now.

when i drive up to the house and the garage door opens and they see me, they have big smiles on their faces and run to me. it's one of the best feelings to be greeting like that. today when i was being stern in an attempt to make sure they aren't completely spoiled rotten, jake tells me that he can't wait to see his other relatives and doesn't care if he ever sees me again because they love him and are so nice to him. brat. but he's not getting what he wants, so why wouldn't he say that, right? how many times have i thought these things about people who are mean to me? on the prodding of my mom, he apologizes to me and moves on to what he wants me to do with him/for him. (already like a dude)

jake's got this really cool motorized jeep/truck thing that he loves riding around. he's pretty much the envy of the complex. he'll ride it down to the play area, park it, and play in the park. one day, some other boys (who one of them is actually kind of obnoxious), first wanted to ride on the swings, so was trying to find a way to distract him since we were swinging, and then walked over to his jeep and almost started touching it. who touches things that don't belong to you?! annoying little boys, that's who.

when jake and i walked over to the car, the obnoxious one, ran over to the swing and hopped on like he won some sort of prize. i almost knocked him off. (i get kind of protective of him vs. other kids in play areas - they're mean!) the other kid (obnoxious' friend) was still interested in the jeep and wanted to ride. jake graciously let him ride, and tried to show him how to use it, and turn it, and for being less than 4, jake has really good driving skills. this kid, who was much older, not so much. obnoxious kid called out his friends name mercilessly, only to have to walk over 2 minutes later because he knew his friend wasn't paying attention. he lost the "cool war" i tried to watch over three boys fight over getting to drive the jeep and trying to make sure they didn't wreck it and jake just stood by quietly watching.

he eventually picked up two long blades of plant and said they were his cool new toys (think imaginary nunchucks) and the older boys didn't really pay any attention to his blades of grass. clearly, they weren't as interested in playing with jake, as much as his toy, to which i told him to be wary of people who like you just for the things you have. i don't think he's gonna remember that right now, but i tried. the boys took turns riding the truck, racing around on bikes and jake went to go get his bike out. it's actually an older trike that i bought him when he was much much smaller and is one of those cute little old school red trikes, and not really meant for speed. so when another boy challenged him to a race jake on his trike vs. boy on foot and jake lost every time, he got really upset. he didn't want to play anymore, pretty much hated his trike (which made me even more sad cuz i bought him that bike!) stood off by himself, and when i came to find him, he told me to leave him alone. i felt terrible knowing that i was partially responsible. i had never really seem him so sad, because usually when he gets emotionally it's because he's tired. this was not the case. it's terrible to feel like you're left behind or not as good or to lose (everyone hates that!) but this was different than him just wanting to win. i just explained that this bike was one that i bought for him when he was little, his taiwan bike is way fast but just not here, and he could run the pants off that other little boy anyway.

after that, he bounced back, we re-joined the boys for a little bit, who were still being obnoxious and when jake went back to the house to grab his chalk, but i thought he was done playing, i made the boys put the bike away and then jake and i just ended up doodling on the sidewalk. i really think he was going to get his chalk and come share it with those kids, which i'm sure they totally would have abused. it was probably uber protective of me to just play by ourselves, but i guess i worry for jake assimilating with these kids because they're obviously rude. but did he just want to be liked? wanted to be nice? wanted to be cool? jake is great at being nice, i learned this that day too. some smaller babies in stroller dropped their stuffed animal on the ground and he didn't hesitate to pick it up for them. so i feel like because he's learned to be mostly gracious, that he could get taken advantage of. especially with rude little boys (and girls! there are some pushy ones out there!) but when i was little, i played with my neighbors, it was mostly fun, there were some not so nice moments, and i survived right? hopefully with jake and brandon it won't be any different, they're just a lot younger where i can't remember how i felt at that age and it's just something you have to learn with time. i hope it's just not that kids are meaner in 2009!

2009-09-02T11:30:00.000-07:00

For a little while I had been craving desserts. Well really, all the time. Lately, it's been crepes. And while there are some places out there that have them, I've been spending a lot of time at home lately. Plus, I like cooking & baking, it's kind of therapeutic. There was a failed attempt at going to a dessert place on Monday night, and I had already had the craving for a bit, so I was like "Hey... I'm going to make crepes.. can't be that hard right?" I had heard a few horror stories about how it's not "that hard" but flipping them can be a b*tch and it takes lots of practice. And then I heard stories about how poaching eggs is ridiculously hard, and not that the two are related, but I was like "man... those French, they make everything difficult."

I set off on my foray to make some crepes. I googled a few recipes, and a lot of them had pictures of people rolling the crepe once it was done, so it looked like a wrap or a hand roll. Not that I had to do it, but based on principle, I didn't like those sites. haha, silly, I know. But they mostly had all the same ingredients: eggs, flour, milk - and various other small ingredients like sugar, salt, butter - and then sometime more of this, or less of that. I finally just picked one and started. The sucky part is that after you make the batter it has to chill 1 hour, so if you want to eat them at a certain time, make sure you make the batter in advance! I watched a youtube video of a guy making them, and it didn't seem tooooo difficult, and honestly, it wasn't. I think though that I made mine a little bit thicker, so maybe they were a tad easier to flip. Or maybe I'm just a good flipper, but it really wasn't that hard. I think if I could name the things I would improve on is making the crepe and little thinner, and less doughy, so less chewey? But maybe people like that. It tastes like the pancakes my dad used to make when I was little, so I think it's okay, but I guess I don't really know what a "true crepe" is supposed to taste like. I really mostly pay attention to the stuff inside. I feel like the could be a little more cakey, and then also there weren't quite as brown as the ones you buy, but they looked the same as the ones in the video, and if I cooked them too long, they'd get crispey around the edges. I really think it has to do with the batter. The one I used had more flour and less eggs - that could be the trick.

The very right picture at the top is *my very first crepe*! Nicole had the pleasure of eating it and she said it was good. I win. The last picture is my fourth crepe, I learned how to make it a little prettier by then. I didn't discover the awesomeness of nutella until very late in the game, I'd say after college. But I still really can only eat it in crepes, it seems weird on regular food like bread, although maybe I'll do some experimenting with it in baking! Oooh! Nutella and strawberries is always my go to for crepes, and sometimes I mix in bananas, but not today because I made myself a Jamba rip off of their Chunky Strawberry using Brennan's super blender. It's mostly strawberries, bananas, peanut butter, granola - and although mine was a little thinner than the version @ Jamba that you eat with a spoon, it was still tasty. I'm on a whole making yummy food kick! (next project: korean bbq potstickers! kogi don't steal my idea! or at least give me credit!) Anyhoo, I also made a butter/strawberry/maple syrup crepe for Dorina because she isn't the biggest chocolate fan (terrible! I know!) but she liked it, and liked the crepepancakes I made for breakfast this morning with the leftover batter. So yay! Success! I got to use my cute Mickey plates too. Go me.

Well... that's nice

2009-08-31T13:45:00.000-07:00

So, I'm not necessarily the biggest fan of app on Facebook. I'm not against them, I just don't see the point, or don't have the time. I'm slightly intrigued about the latest one that's taking over, Farmville, but not really enough to actually check it out. This "friend quiz" one.. I look at, because it's always like "this person answered a question about you, find out who it is!" so I got sucked in. But it used to just tell me who was answering questions, but wouldn't tell me what questions they were answering. And once I signed up, it tells me the questions and answers, but no who. SCAM. (I also feel like all Facebook apps are a scam of sort sort.. like.. what's this whole sending birthday gifts to people but you need 10 credits?!) Anyhoo... this is the latest results of my friend quiz. Despite that the same question appears twice - all these results are positive right? I could say that people are just being polite, or that I just really am that awesome. But it is slightly useless because I have no idea who thinks I'm cute, who thinks I'm fun to be around or WHO WANTS TO MARRY ME? (come find me... now.) Obviously, the answer is everyone - but seriously - this does me NO good. I could find out who is answering these questions for FIFTY COINS PER QUESTION. I only have 5. I think you get coins by answering questions, but it's like 7 coins per 25 questions you answer - or something ridiculous like that and honestly... who has the time or patience for that? Not me. Plus I'm not quite that desperate (yet). And I think you know.. it could be like "yes, Jean would make a great spouse" not for me. Haha.. aww. (I've apparently been watching too much good wife/bad wife on More to Love.) But seriously, these are just questions on the internet. I sometimes feel like I want someone who makes an actual effort, and with Dorina's "half-men" theory, I'm just gonna be a spinster - so I might have to work on my plan... but for now, I'm not going to spend a ton of time answering silly questions about other people just to find that the people answering these questions are like my sister, my roommates and my girl friends - cuz that's how it would turn out I bet. Or I could just pretend like my secret crushes are the people who answered those. Either way it's a nice small way to warm up my ego today.

2009-08-28T02:13:00.001-07:00

I get to tag along on Andrea's food truck mission to try all of the LA food trucks, so expect a full write up with better pictures from her. I took a few pictures with Snowball II, so I decided to post them too. On Wednesday night we got two in one hit as the Nom Nom Truck and Fishlips Sushi trucks were both at the new basecamp for trucks - The Brig in Venice. I've always loved food off trucks, and even more bacon wrapped hot dogs off carts (or sausages with sticky rice bun in Taiwan!). After the huge sensation of Kogi - the food truck business is SKYROCKETING. I read today that the restaurant Border Grill has a truck now too? And you can have a truck for everything - it's not just for mexican food anymore. Nom Nom is Vietnamese tacos and sandwiches, and Fishlips Sushi is.. well you guessed it, Sushi. Sushi off a truck? Seems kind of terrifying right? When I first heard about it, I kind of thought so too. I asked my sister if she wanted to try it, but she was turned off by the name alone (but she has a slight(MAJOR) phobia of fish). Some pictures looked okay, and I think I read that it was good - but didn't get to really try it until today. It's actually pretty good. Nothing super fancy like Asakuma or as involved as California Roll Factory, but the sushi was definitely up there, better than grocery store sushi, and not badly priced. And the Temari balls are so cute! We had their spicy tuna rolls and shrimp tempura rolls with assorted balls of sushi with ebi, yellowtail, salmon, unagi and tuna. Their menu features a ton more options, I didn't actually go up to the truck itself, so I'm not sure exactly how it works, if all the options are there each night. I might have to go back to try them all!

Nom Nom Truck was really good, and smelled SO fantastic. The food is good, but they take kind of forever to get you the food, and they ran out of Spring Rolls and Coffee VERY early on. They forgot a set of our tacos, but were really nice when we went back to get them. We did go on their opening night and they already blogged about trying to work out all the kinks. Food service is tough! Even tougher when it's mobile! But I'd definitely go back! I had the Grilled Pork Bahn Mi (Sandwich) and Lemongrass Chicken Tacos - both excellent. I am kind of sad that apparently Sam Trammell (plays Sam Merlotte) from True Blood (our most recent show obsession) was there and I didn't see him. I'm really bad at seeing celebrities, and you would think it would be so easy for me!

You should definitely try both of these if they're in your area. I wish I worked so that I could be excited when they were nearby and I have a real excuse to eat out. I just have to do it anyways. Next I want to try the Indian Food truck! And the Mos Burger likeness Marked 5!

Reboot.

2009-08-26T02:50:00.000-07:00

jamiguel: i didnt know you had a blog
me: haha, yea.. i kind of don't keep up with it anymore. but sometimes i whine.. which is terrible
jamiguel: hhahahaha
me: it's become an emo blog as of late
jamiguel: kinda oposite of what i would do, but to each their own

after some consideration and hanging out with andrea and her blog friends, i think i'm going to make a little change. it'll probably be healthy for me. i'm gonna TRY to be a little less whiney, be a little less feeling-y and blog more about stuff. stuff that happens, stuff that i do, stuff that i want (without the emo-ness coming in). it's a sort of what i used to do, without all the this is what i had for lunch today, but more in the general way more interesting sense. kind of. i dunno. blogs in general are kind of personal, and kind of do what you want with them. but i'd kind of like to get it back to a blog that you really want to read kind of blog (was it ever one?!) i also debated switching sites and closing this one and re-opening another, but i kind of like that there is so much history here. i've had this thing since freaking 2001! my blog turned EIGHT YEARS OLD last month. oh my gosh it's like a small child. it's got a big part of me, and yes some of the links or pictures may not work anymore, but it really was me and how i was feeling or doing (or eating) at that particular moment. who and what was important to me then and i didn't just want to sever it behind and leave it forgotten and unknown. this decision may come to haunt me in the future, but hey.. that was me right? crazy and all.

so anyways.. that's that. i have a few blog ideas in the works.. i just have to convert them from "that would make a good blog entry" to "that was a good blog entry"

for now... i'll leave you with this.

i volunteered for this film festival in LA for the last week and a half. it was okay, i learned things from it, met a few people and hopefully somethings can pan out from it. i got to semi-produce/edit daily pieces of festival coverage. as much as i tried, i couldn't quite control what or how things were being taped, but i think i did an okay job on a few pieces, which hopefully shows my strength as an editor. i find myself wondering if my previous yearning of editing full time is still 100%, but the situation wasn't ideal, so it may not have been the best test for it. regardless, here are some of my favorite ones that i worked on.

this one is my was my favorite because i felt like it was the most well put together.. but then someone tinkered with it after i finished and i don't love what they did, but i think it's okay overall, i'm just not 110% about it. :/ like the guys say at the jungle cruise, if you like it, that's what i did, if you don't, it's the other guy's fault!

i worry about this one being cohesive, but i like this one because i translated the entire interview and then edited and added subtitles for all the pieces that are in spanish. yup, i'm a bad ass.

this is one of the earlier ones we did, so most noticeably the titles aren't as fancy. i didn't have the best b-roll either which contributes to some lacking of cutting to the right shots, but i didn't want the interviews to drag on either. but i like what they are saying and mostly i like it because of jordi laforge & luke wilson :P

there you go! the earlier one we turned around that night mostly.. so edited in a few hours. the later ones we took a little more time on because we would get the footage so late at night it was impossible to turn it around that night, plus we realized we didn't have to, so we allowed ourselves to wrap it up the next day.

(shameless plug: we edited these on a mobile editing bay CONFIDENCE BAY - a RV gutted and outfitted to be used as editing stations! pretty neat actually. any filmmakers/commercial producers out there should consider it for your needs! confidencebay.com)

tell me what you think!

2009-08-11T03:49:00.000-07:00

being up this late at night has it's certain advantages. i have no one to talk to, so this automatic word vomit reaction i have, can't just come spewing out over the internets immediately. i have to write it out. write out my angry ranting emails, write out my confessions of love, write out anything i want to say outside my head. and then a lot of times, i decide not to click send. not necessarily because i don't feel it anymore. probably because what i'm saying is a rash reaction, and i don't want to sound idiotic, so it's my electronic version of counting to 10. if i'm still feeling this way in the morning, then maybe i can just tell someone face to face. and also because maybe i just don't want to put "it" out there. there's a whole lot of nonsense out there, and it doesn't necessarily need to be pushed along by a few words i candidly wrote at 3:52am.

for example. there was a whole blog that i just wrote that i'm deciding not to post because... i don't trust it to be out there.

2009-08-04T02:08:00.000-07:00

sorry. i'm going to whine for just a second.

i'm feeling.. really... lost. sometimes i feel like everything i've done in the past 5 years is a little bit all for nothing. or that i'm trying to chuck it all down the window to go down another path, except, i can't go down this path because i'm "too experienced" OR i'm not really experienced enough in the things that i want to do now, but really.. i don't even know where to start.

i found a job that i feel like i really could do.. except i probably won't be considered for it because i don't have a few of the requirements. things i could easily (hopefully) learn, but haven't yet. do i spend $1500-$3000 trying to learn avid? or do i just give up on that dream and try to enhance my FCP skills? because once i was told that you either are an avid editor, or FCP.. but they're so similar... why not both? because it costs a boat load of money to try and learn them now.

which also makes me kick myself for not trying to learn it earlier. when i was interning at fox rox, working at dd, or even on bedtime. the interning one is the most depressing - because i didn't really have much else to do. i should have utilized the most of it. oh wait, i was busy with circle k. how dumb does that seem now? while working, i could have been that person that stayed extra late to try and learn these systems - but i didn't. i was too wrapped up in the 10-18 hour days i was already putting in... which.. doesn't sound like it was a big mistake... but i could have pushed myself.

dorina tells me i'm too hard on myself, to which i reply "well that's how i was brought up".. except i really should work on not being hard on myself when i don't do things, and being harder on myself to accomplish them in the first place. that's probably the hardest part.

i probably just mostly really need a job. badly. but unfortunately i don't want to just take any job. is that retarded? but i don't know what i want. (that's retarded). but i miss being busy. i miss having something to do (even though i have so much i could be doing... SEE.. I'M TERRIBLE.) not working gives me so much time to dwell on things i shouldn't be dwelling on. i know i'm being silly and that i should just pick myself up from this wallowing puddle i'm in and get a move on. and then there's that side of me that watched entourage where E was told to not take what you have for granted and enjoy the freedom you have, and then i'm like hmm.. is that what i should be doing?

either way, i really want to find a way, find some answers... and for right now, i'm kind of okay if they're temporary. that's how sad and desperate i am. i've given up on the forever and would settle for right now... but i still want to feel like it's "right".

next post, i promise i'll try to be more upbeat. i'll apply to this job, cross my fingers and try to get some shizz done.

oh, by the way, did i tell you i'm trying to give up drinking until november? (with the exception of 1 or 2 momentous occasions)... i'll let you know how it goes.. it's been about 5 days so far... i think it'll get easier with time.. i hope!

2009-07-27T02:55:00.000-07:00

so i group my email by subject, so that i can collapse my threads, but still have them be all together. every once in awhile when the subject name of an email is the same, i'll come across some really old emails. tonight i found some emails when we were planning a trip down to san diego. emails like this, make me nostalgic for the past, when times seemed to be simpler. maybe that's not true, and things are just different. i wouldn't necessarily say i'd want to go back to those times, because some pretty shitty things happened back then and i went through some crappy times, but i do miss some of the things that i liked that aren't there now. finding these old emails and remembering when we sang total eclipse of the heart at the top of our lungs in longboards, and hung out in this massive living room while playing wii bowling and being spun by brennan, and the fun times and smart ass things we said to each other makes me smile.

On 4/18/07, CY wrote:
B can't join- he works weekends. I had plans to hit up some sample sales with V so I can't do Sea World. EF, everyone? when do you need to know if I'm going or not? I'd love to hang out with you all in SD, but i don't want to hold anyone up and don't feel like doing the drive hans style this weekend...oh beautiful whale's vagina, i miss you so

On 4/18/07, BM wrote:
Ok CY, this is the second time I've noticed this. It's Han style! Han Solo captained the Millenium Falcon. Hans Christian Andersen wrote "The Little Mermaid". :)

On 4/19/07, EF wrote:
DA, at this moment i think have a SLIGHT crush on your super-knowledgable, super-nerdy, super-anal fuck buddy.

heh heh. anal fuck buddy.

On 4/19/07, DA wrote:
Three... wait for it... SOME?!

speaking of san diego, i'm back from my san diego trip, and hit up almost all of my favorite places to eat. sat.is.fied. i wish there was a little more time to visit with old friends, but i'll just have to go back another time where i'm not playing babysitter. but i am thankful for my sister and her 2 kids, because when they take trips, and we get invited along to help out, it's really just like family vacations, which we did a lot of when i was younger, and then they kind of died out, aaaaand now they're back! it sometimes might seem like a pain, but i know i'll cherish those moments where we all spent time together and laughed about the 5 desserts we "ambitiously" ordered and the softball sized sorbet scoops.

wow, i'm all sorts of gratitudey tonight.

here's something else. earlier today, i had a "cute" conversation with a check out boy at trader joe's. he's not so bad on the eyes himself. i might be going to a different grocery store than normal now. often.

saw the proposal tonight. it was a okay, there were definitely funny moments, but i do think story development could have been better. i think that's so often what i feel like i scrutinize the more, whether it's believable or not that this falling in love has happened.

cuz you know... movies are just like real life.

2009-07-23T04:38:00.000-07:00

i really really really really should be sleeping right now.. but hell i'm on "vacation" kind of. plus i had 3 cups of coffee this morning, and probably will have 3 more in about 4 hours or so.

here is my opportunity to say a few things:

this whole "i think i might need a job" thing is growing day by day. everyone is like "oh man, that seems so great" - but i'm not really sure when it'll end, and that kind of freaks me out. well, i do know when it's going to end, december, when a freelance job starts up again - but i can't have one job where i work 3 months out of the year?! i feel like i had found some good leads, but nothing has really come of anything, so maybe that makes me even a little more anxious. i get impatient, i'm sick of waiting, i want already. so maybe that's that. plus my relative who is working overseas is in town, and my parents like to dote on how great that is, and how her chinese has really improved, and she's so pretty and lost so much weight. points are not going to my self esteem. but 4 days straight with my parents might drive anyone a little batty. (but i love them dearly.)

i really like traveling. and if i ever get a job where i have to travel for work, that might be a different story, but i like hotels, a lot. i like how it's clean and comforting and so nicely set up. i hate all the bs you have to go through to check and book and deal with incompetent people and all, but just lounging in a nice space never really gets old. i also like the towels. and i have to remind myself that it's not necessary to bring shampoo/conditioner when staying at nice hotels.

i relaxed my ass off yesterday... sort of. sort of because i still had to deal with 2 children who need lots of attention/can be slightly fussy, but pretty much i forgot what day it was yesterday. i blame all the other carefree families that were relaxing as well, and then suddenly i realized it wasn't a weekend. it was a weird feeling and i think i felt like i was over-indulging or being a glutton or something.

maybe that's where this "i need to do something with my life" thing is coming in. but not so much that i'm willing to chuck it all and go sell religious related things. (yes, seriously.) although that experience may be kind of cool because i'd get to develop my spanish and possibly travel(!), but then i'd be selling religious stuff. weird.

i also feel a little guilty about not caring more about comic con and the fact that i may get to go. i never realized what a big deal it was, or how cool it could be. it's not like i'm gonna go join those twitards that are waiting in line right now for the new moon panel tomorrow (crazy....) but i wish i more amped than i am. i guess it's just cuz i don't feel like i have a purpose even if i do attend, so.. i can't be all super involved. maybe it'll come to me. hah.

alright.. enough griping and rambling.. time for uhh.. a nap.

pictures soon!

2009-07-09T07:39:00.000-07:00

I was doing so well at keeping up with the blogging - and then it just died. I'm sorry. I think of all these things I'm "going to blog about" and it never comes to fruition. There's just so many things that come up, and of course I can't just post something until it's just right. I've been spending the last 4 days cleaning up, picking, organizing my photos from Taiwan/HK/Shanghai and after, and it's kind of taking forever. But I think I'll feel good when it's all done.

I couldn't sleep tonight, a combination of me waking up very late, and just restlessness in general. I did a little work (which is good!) and then my mind started to wander.

I found out today that a boy I used to have a crush on has gotten engaged. (in a super nice beautiful probably dream worthy romantic place too by the way! dagger. heart.) Not that I don't wish them well, and I know that it makes sense, I think it makes me feel a little bit like I'm failing at something. It's weird because I can't even fathom getting or being married right now, so where do these feelings come from? I guess a sense of general lacking in the life accomplishment area? Does that even make sense? Is it silly? Probably. The girl he's gotten engaged to is 2 years younger than me and seemingly has a really good job that she enjoys. Albeit it's a lot different than what she originally said she always wanted to do, she loves it now. She landed the job by a random chance occurrence and rose quickly through the ranks and is at a really good level. The guy: he's older, which probably attributes to the settling down earlier rather than later, but at a good place in his life and kind of always knew what he wanted to do. She's kind of "where" I'd like to be, and he's kind of "who" I'd like to be with. I feel like I'm so far away from all of that, but I want it.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey dreams of Monica being his girlfriend and sitting close on the couch and them doing crossword puzzles together after he sees Monica & Chandler doing it? That's kind of me, but without the dream part. Just a constant wonder and want. I want to be kind of settled in that comfortable I know what's going on sort of way. I want to know what I want to do and enjoy doing it, or at least working towards a goal. I'm in this weird pool where I have NO CLUE what exactly I want to do, and I'm willing to try out different things, but there's going to be a little bit of time before the trial and error process will be complete. Add on the fact that I don't know when it'd start. I know I have the rest of my life to work, but I feel like I'm getting too old to still be so clueless. I KNOW that everyone goes through it, even super successful people who had great careers and accomplishments wonder at some point what they're doing and make changes. But I need to have that one. The over achiever OCD person in me feels like I'm way behind.

I went through all the silly little crush options that are currently floating around with a friend, and we determined that basically, I have no options. None of them will materialize in any sort of relationship. At least for now, possibly ever. And there's nothing I can do about it. Well, that sucks. I realize that you don't really know until it comes. And it's probably kind of like apartment hunting, it's always the last one you look at, because once you find it, you stop looking. But really, I don't even feel like there are contenders. And much like the feeling that I won't be working until December, this scares me. A lot. In a I'm flailing kind of quickly and there's nothing to grab on to sort of way. A boy that I used to hang out with a lot has recently been talking to me again. This should make me feel better right? Maybe, but not really. Because I know it doesn't mean anything. And it's not "real" and while I might get a little flustered at certain times because he may still manage to make me feel a certain way, when I honestly think about it, it's not what I really want or the way I want it to be. I may have grown out of it a little. That part makes me feel kind of good.

I feel like sometimes I know what I want, or least want to try, but I still can't obtain it. So I'm not really sure how I'm gonna get anywhere. I guess I have to just be diligent and patient, and work on things that I enjoy, things that will help me get places, and also, work on me. I see a lot of what I don't want, and I'm thankful that in those shoes. But I see examples of things that actually work, and I see that it exists and that it's out there, so why can't I have it too? Cheesy as it may be, I'm kind of a believer that things happen for a reason, and if it's meant to be it will be. But I need the pieces to start falling into place soon... even if's its just the corner ones, or the ones that are all the same color.

(sorry if this is incoherent.. i tried to go back and edit, but not sleeping all night has taken it's toll.)

ps. i also stayed up late/woke up early to try and win entrance to the private coldplay show. i REALLY want that. give it to me now.

2009-05-21T10:10:00.000-07:00

Okay.. so apparently everyone "knew" I was staying. I don't know how they all knew when I didn't and literally made a clutch decision and spent 2 hours beforehand agonizing over it before I kind of just ended up with this decision...

I spent all day packing and organizing my stuff. And in the past few days I've been stuffing my face, and running around town on the "what does Jean want to do in Taiwan" tour. (I'm really fortunate to have such great relatives btw.) Any weight I may have sweated off is back, and then some. So it seems kind of anticlimactic that I stay... but supposedly no one here sees it that way, or they're just being polite. There have been moments where I've been really bored or thought "if I was at home (insert friend's name here) would do this with me", and was really ready to come home. And then got to talking about trips my cousin was planning on taking in the next week or two and I was a little amiss, but still okay. My aunt was taking me to the airport, but had to stop by her work to grab a few things. In the elevator I see this poster about the Dragon Boat Festival and holidays and suddenly realize it's a bigger deal than I think. I make a few phone calls, agonize over this decision, drive to go get my already packed bags, call some more, mull over it some more, call the airline company to see what would happen if I didn't get on the plan/cancel my online check in, thought about it some more, made some more phone calls, googled for some insight, thought about it, and then 10pm rolled around and it was "about" time that if I didn't leave 5 seconds ago, then it'd be too late for my flight. Plus I figured if I really started to get homesick, I could just come home at any time really. But it was more like my reason for not staying was feeling bad about not leaving. Is that reason?

So.. I'm hoping I have fun at the Dragon Boat Festival (which.. I really think Festival is misleading in the "American" sense because I think it's mostly the races, and not like a bunch of booths or anything.. but we'll see!) and my cousin is planning a trip to Sun Moon Lake. If that doesn't happen I'll be pretty not so pleased, but I think it's pretty set, especially since I stayed. I'll have to look up other things that I want to do that don't involve stuffing my face or draining my bank account, and hopefully just have a merry time even though I'm supposed to be on a plane right now. I think this is the first time I've missed a plane in my life. What if my future husband was on that plane? Well.. I guess it's too late now. Mom, Dad - no grandkids cuz I decided to stay longer in Taiwan.

Here's an update to my list:

1. Mister Donut
2. More KFC Egg Tarts
3. Mos Burger
4. Little Shanghai Dumplings
5. Visit Grandma
6. Night of debaucheressness @ Room 18?
7. Taroko National Park (yay!)
8. Pack
9. Clean up Apt.
10. Find yellow umbrella
11. Yong Kang Jie?
12. mmm.. anything else? cut hair again? trim bangs? buy more purses?! (am I too good for fake Marc Jacobs?)
13. Sun Moon Lake
14. Dragon Boat Festival
15. Unpack

2009-05-19T08:27:00.000-07:00

So.. a quick blog. I haven't been very good at updating while I've been gone - but that just means I've been busy out doing stuff!! Plus and then there's the whole I'd like to make it exciting add pictures and that take time, and I'm not always around the computer - so there ya go. Last week I went to Hong Kong and Shanghai and didn't bring my computer, plus didn't really have internet anyway, so there was that. And the day after tomorrow I'm leaving!! Yikes! How did a month pass by so quickly. I've been contemplating staying a little longer, row in a dragon boat race or something, but I think I should maybe get a life... figuratively, of course. Or at least stop being a drain on the people here as they have their lives to attend to. Although I've been pretty good about stimulating Taiwan's economy.

Leaving in a little over 48 hours definitely adds a slight sense of urgency to everything that I want to do, but hopefully I will cram it all in, and it won't be another 3 years before I return. But my sister keeps threatening me with that fact. (Is $100 worth it to stay longer? Plus all the money I'll spend here and then the excess baggage fees?!) haha. I like life here, mostly because it's simple be cause I have no responsiblities here. No parents to have to answer to, no real bills to pay, no daily drama, no job... haha. But it does get a tad bit lonesome when I pass by the wine bar or the whisky gallery and want to go in but have no one to go with, or no real income to support a drinking habit. It's been a good run, but the asian in me is thinking that I need some structure in my life (how sad am I?) But I am excited to hang out with Jaymie who's moving to London soon (*sniff), Angelee who's coming down for the 10 year HS Reunion (scary), eating with anyone who will meet me @ Open Sesame, catching up on the 307 hours of TV I've missed (any of you ruin it for me I WILL SHANK YOU), and seeing everyone back in the place that I call home. I don't feel like it's been that long, so I don't think that I've really been "missed" because it's like any other long period of time where you just don't have time to hang out, so you know.. you just go about your life. I feel like everyone has just done that. Dorina's probably the only person (oh.. and Brennan) who it's most noticeable for. But apparently they just went to Mexico, so I might have to stay away for 7 more days just to see if she develops a fever. She's got a bad immune system, that one.

I'm excited to have my iPhone back in full force, reunion with my car, possible (hopefully!) run-ins with neighbor guy, working on projects (MAKE ME DO IT) and maybe even finding some work that will be good for me. But enough on home.

Things to do before I go:

1. Mister Donut
2. More KFC Egg Tarts
3. Mos Burger
4. Little Shanghai Dumplings
5. Visit Grandma
6. Night of debaucheressness @ Room 18?
7. Taroko National Park (yay!)
8. Pack
9. Clean up Apt.
10. Find yellow umbrella
11. Yong Kang Jie?
12. mmm.. anything else? cut hair again? trim bangs? buy more purses?! (am I too good for fake Marc Jacobs?)

2009-05-07T09:39:00.000-07:00

So it's coming towards the end of week 2 here and I started to get a little bored last night. A little stir-crazy if you will. I managed to fight it by calling up my cousin and whereas I suggested bowling, we went to the batting cages instead, but it was Ladies' night and I got to play for free, so I guess I can't complain too much. It was nice hanging out with the cousin, and while he's kind of quiet, he'll answer pretty much any question I ask, and then we trade questions about how to say certain words in Chinese/English.

I finally got a chance to check out the Whisky Gallery by the place that I'm staying at. It'd pretty be Jaymie and Angelee's dream. It's not too shabby I will have to say and I had two drinks, both from Scotland, and wasn't going to complain. Although a little pricey - but I guess that's just what good drinking costs. It was around $12-$15 per glass, so not terrible. Kind of on par with a place like 7 Grand or something. But definitely a lot less fuss.

It's possible that I may be heading to Hong Kong and China next week, partially out of boredom, partially out of things working out just right timing wise, partially out of wanting to go exploring and thinking "when else am I going to get the chance?" I will really be draining my bank accounts (sort of) - but it might be well worth it. Especially if I end up at Hong Kong Disneyland - and although it's less fun to hang out there by my onesome, it's still Hong Kong Disneyland right?!

Random note: I was looking at some pictures and I'm reaaaally craving some good Mac n Cheese right now. I'm going to put that on my list of things to do when I get back (or Dre.. put that on our list!) along with Father's Office. Two musts.

Not too much else is "going on" that doesn't seem like normal life. I got a bit too much sun today (foolishly not putting on any sunblock of course..., plus I didn't factor in the swimming time in addition to the laying out time, so my arms/chest are so awful!) so I'm hoping I just turn to tan instead of peeling.

I went on this motorcycle ride and hiked up this mountain to get to this view. I can't say it was my first motorcycle ride, because I'm pretty sure that I've ridden on a bike when I was little and got burned by the tailpipe by putting my leg in the wrong spot. But my first "real"(?) ride. It was fun, and just through the city - so not like speed racing downhill on a Ducati or anything, but nice, despite the rain. It's definitely a nice way to "see the city" although probably more so if I was the driver and not the passenger. The hike was fun, a little (a lot) dark, but I got to see some fireflies and there weren't too many crawling things. Apparently there's a different place that has an even better view, but you have to go through this graveyard to get there? And just when I was going to face my fears to do it, the rain spoiled this little excursion of mine (it's a sign!). Regardless, I love views, and it kind of reminded me of Runyon Canyon, except you can't do Runyon @ night (is there any LA views you can get to at night? Shouldn't I know this?)

My sister has a food blog and while taking me around town has been re-visiting some places and collecting info for posts. I love her little organization skills and her notebook for cataloging everything, and i hope I'm not giving away too many of her secrets, but her book is kind of awesome. Plus you know, I don't mind being a guinea pig for all the stuff she wants to try. I'm still really curious about the Mexican food in Danshui! Hopefully I'll get to go on the weekends, and I also have to remind myself to have a Mos Burger before I go. Food I have had while I've been here includes: italian, pig intestine noodles, shaved ice, fresh made ice creams, yummy dumplings (both fried and not), mochi desserts, sausages off carts , burgers, corn dogs (not very good, don't get corn dogs in Taiwan), tofu/noodles/rice cakes off carts, paninis, korean food, chicken soup, green bean wraps and brunch. it runs the gamut of good to not so great and western food here doesn't really compare to california food at home, so i'm less inclined to eat american food here - but nothing has been super terrible. I haven't been to my favorite soup buns and beef noodle soup place yet, so I'm hoping for some of that soon. And Saturday we have a lunch at Din Tai Fong. There's a branch in Arcadia and apparently Chinese people of all sorts flock to it and exclaim how good it is, but I think is kind of overrated (you know me and hype), but maybe my mind will change come Saturday.

And finally, two of the cutest kids ever.

2009-04-26T17:13:00.000-07:00

The few days that I've been here in Taiwan, I think that I've learned that I can't live alone. I'm staying in a place with a friend of my sister's, and while he's really cool, I don't know him that well and he's not home a lot. So we don't have that rapport where I can call/text him and be like "What it do? Where you at? When you be home?" and know exactly what's going on, BUT I WANT TO. The necessary social person in me, is like "when is he coming home? I need another person to relate to" It's just one of those things where I am not all that comfortable by super silences and like to have shared experiences with a person. I was home by myself for a few hours and got a tad bit freaked out and maybe it's a mental thing. Knowing that I'm truly "alone" makes me anxious for someone else, as where when I'm "alone" at home where I know it's fleeting, I embrace the few hours that I have. And this test isn't totally without faults. I don't have my own job (or lack thereof!), friends, tv with dvr/video games/movies to occupy me so that my time by myself isn't away from those people, but rather just time all by my lonesome, not knowing when it's going to end (until my sister calls me the next day.) And then I start to wonder how I would survive in a different city/state where I truly don't know anyone, and it's not like a "oh I'll be home in a month where my 'real' friends are, so it's okay" kind of situation. I'd probably make friends like I'm hopefully going to inevitably do now. (hopefully people at a new job would be friends with me right?) I'd hopefully get my bearings straight and know how to make my way home coming back from the MRT station and not walk down the block until I realize that I'm going the wrong way. And the language barrier wouldn't be such an issue, thus making me feel a little less alone. But here, I hope for the most part that my accent and Chinese gets a little better from being around the native speakers and having it be a little less retarded foreign. haha. My sister is already laughing at me when I'm "practicing" what to say to the taxi drivers in order to get to destinations safely. It's okay.. I probably deserve it. If my mom keeps making fun of me because I can't differentiate four and ten (in Chinese), and I've never fixed it, I might deserve all the accentuation making fun of I've gotten by now. It's my Achilles heel.

Today was my nephew's first birthday party with all his friends! (followed by family dinner on his actual first birthday, Tuesday.) It was a pretty good time with stories, music, singing and stories, with a Chinese ritual thrown in and Mumuhug decorations, characters and cake! ooh! This is probably the "main" reason I came back, to celebrate his bday, but also to just hang with the fam. But I'm glad I could be here for this... it was fun. Then I went shopping with my cousin, ate some oyster noodle soup, ate some italian, and then played with the nephews some. Along with being addicted to the Flight Controller app/game on my sister's iphone. It's kind of terrible. The competition side of me wants so badly to be good enough to even come near her high score! I'm only about 50%.

~~~~~~~~

I wrote this a few days ago, but couldn't post it because my internet connection dropped out. I went home last night and it was really nice being by myself because I knew the "roomie" wouldn't be home for awhile. I was super exhausted (delayed on set jet lag) and it was nice to just chill, play flight control and chillax until it was time for bed and not need to talk to anyone. So I guess I'm back at square one on the "do I like being alone" thing.

My new high score on FC is 102... that's 3 off of my sister's score... that's gonna require some more practice.

Dinner for B's actual birthday tonight! And I'm hoping for some tomfoolery going on this week.

2009-04-25T08:54:00.000-07:00

Taiwan: Day 1. I look kind of narcissistic and vain posting these, well.. if you don't know me. But for those of you that have seen me recently, I cut my hair. I wouldn't say chopped because it's not super short, but my hair was getting pretty long and the biggest real difference is that I have straight across bangs. I've been toying with the idea of these for awhile, but I didn't want to look like a china doll, or like I was in the 2nd grade again. But my sister's stylist is pretty awesome and cut my hair pretty well, even though I was a little frightened by the length as first. But I'm pretty okay with it. Hopefully when I wash and style myself I'll still be okay with the results.

Today was my first full day, and just spent the day with the sis and the fam doing various things, eating at some just okay places and another really yummy place, trying to get acclimated with streets and directions so I can attempt to get to and fro all by my lonesome (I know.... stop laughing... wish me luck!) and getting the hair wash and cut. I really enjoy getting my hair washed in Taiwan, it just always so much more comforting for some reason. I feel like since it's my first Saturday night, I should be out or something, but I'll save up for another weekend or so. I don't need to show up hungover to another birthday party.. :P Speaking of... Tomorrow is B's big one year bday party! Hopefully the mounds of screaming kids doesn't drive me too insane, but I think it'll be fun. I'm excited!

2009-04-23T06:32:00.000-07:00

do you think this is enough clothing for taiwan? okay.. actually i jest. and in this picture, it doesn't even look that bad. there are many layers of clothing that you cannot see in this picture. i basically went through my whole closet and pulled out anything i may want to wear. so really, i should just chuck everything that's left in the closet... but not really. i mean.. some clothes just aren't "right" for taiwan, or the weather right now. so it's not fair to say that i should totally chuck everything. but my closet does need a good deep cleaning. maybe that will happen when i get back. it'd be a good time to go through and purge i think.

either or, i'm going to go visit my sister for a bit and i'm pretty dang excited to do so. this is the first trip i've taken to taiwan without a parental figure being there, so not that i think it'll be that much different, but it kind of is... a little. my mom is probably freaking out a little bit about it, saying i should call up all the cousins and have them hang out with me. "what mom? you don't want me just walking down to the local bar and meeting some new folks?" haha.. not that i would.. but it's just so funny how my mom comes up with these suggestions... like how i should call up relatives that i never ever talk to and say "hey! i'm here! let's hang!" she doesn't get how it's awkward i guess. like i tried to tell my boy cousin who's living in our house now that we should go out for his birthday, get dessert or something. at first he said yes, went downstairs and got a cup of milk and then a few minutes later said he had to study. maybe i bombarded him with too many questions like "what is your favorite dessert?" or "do you like cake or ice cream better" - but he just did not want to hang out with me or be taken out for his birthday. i mean, sometimes i feel bad because he's here without any "real" family, and that's probably tough... but if he wasn't so effing difficult, maybe it wouldn't be so hard. and he's not completely retarded, he has friends, and maybe even a girlfriend... so i don't get it! oh well.

i'm excited to hang with my sis and the nephews. i'm excited to try all the "new" places to eat, maybe i'll get to try taiwan's version of mexican food this time. i'm excited to experience a little bit of "normal life in taiwan" not just the truncated 2 week version whirlwind of it. i'm excited to see my relatives. i'm excited for the night markets! i'm excited to eat food off a cart where i don't have to wait 3hrs for a freaking taco, or run down the street while the besthotdogintheworld lady is running down the street. way back in 2005 i wrote down "things i want to do in Taiwan" and i think i've actually done all those things... except for that last thing which i still can't remember. and i did a fairly decent job of blogging - so many i can this time.

life is pretty much status quo though... here are the things i'll be sad to miss out on while i'm gone: keane concert, being darrell's +1 to a wedding, wii mario kart races with luke skywalker's son, ikea runs with andrea to outfit her new apartment, disneynature's earth, grilled cheese invitational, a few birthdays, the dry heat (i am so not looking forward to all the humidity!), and really all the fun and havoc caused on a regular basis. but i am excited to just... chill. and BUY LOTS OF CUTE STUFF. (whoa... excited.)

i should probably get to bed now.. for at least a little powernap before some last day errands. here is are a few last stories that i was going to blog about but never did, so short short updates:

*tuesday was free cone day @ ben and jerry's and i tried one sweet whirled. you MUST try it, it's like heaven in your mouth.

*i basically WRECKED my feet walking in heels in hollywood. after leaving a bar on sunset, we walked all the way up to hollywood blvd to get bacon wrapped hot dogs and then back down past sunset to get back to the house. i really really really could not walk, but in better judgment than the debacle where i took off my shoes on the wooden santa monica pier (who does that?!), i was convincingly not allowed to take my shoes off on the icky hollywood streets, which was probably a good idea since i had OPEN WOUNDS on the bottom of them. this i didn't discover until the next morning. i had trouble walking all day, it was a pitiful sight. i've made a surprisingly quick recovery, i guess feet skin grows pretty fast. i thought i'd be hobbling around taiwan for at least the first few days.

*attempted to have lunch with nicole & ashley @ open sesame grill in manhattan beach. that place is FANTASTIC. highly recommend it. but we didn't get to eat it that day because right after we put the order in, the power blew out. we didn't notice it, because we were sitting outside on another very lovely 90 degree day, but soon we hear massive sirens and lots of backed up traffic and heard that the whole plaza was out, and then some. my first thought was to loot the ice cream store, but we filled up on pita and hummus and got our drinks comped and promised to come back. (side note: ashley brought me open sesame for dinner tonight and it was so freaking good, i'm glad to have had the fix before i left) seriously... go now.

*oh! and go see EARTH in theatres btwn apr 22-28 and Disney will plant a tree for every ticket sold! buy a ticket for me too :)

2009-04-17T12:57:00.000-07:00

since i've been back, there isn't a whole lot that has happened. i mean, there has, but nothing monumental. i've been job hunting a little, and i got this fortune (which i was going to post a picture, but now can't find... is that a bad sign?) that basically said that i should take some time for myself. i know that fortune cookies are kind of a crock, but part of me sort of believes in them. i was dining with ashley, and she got the fortune that was very fit for her. and sure it was a 50/50 chance that we would end up with those, but still...

so i've been applying to a few jobs a week, as of course required by my funemployment funds. and i don't mind THAT much, because i'd like to not totally become a huge sloth. i do need to be a little more productive, and that might take some of the guilt off of me being home all the time, so that's something i need to work on as well. but i'll come across some jobs that i don't "reaaaallly" want, but might be interesting to check out. do i apply to those too? for fun? although i think if i turn down a job, my funemployment might be "questioned" - and the fact that i have a really hard time saying no. and then there's the question of "what do i want to do?"... which is.. well.... I DON'T KNOW. that's probably my fundamental problem. so in the search for the elusive "what i want to do" there's a ton of "oh.. maybe that wouldn't be so bad", but then that's just a distraction! i need blinders? or do i just do that for now because the economy is bad and i should have a job. and maybe i'm not meant to stay in the entertainment industry, cuz, you know... there's a lot of other stuff out there. and do i want to move away from LA? that might be fun, living in new york would be awesome. but if i could get a job in norcal, should i do that instead? i know that settling shouldn't really be on the agenda, but i also know (or at least think) that i should be realistic and know that i'm not going to get everything that i want all at once.

so.. in conclusion.. i still don't know. i'm not sure that i will for awhile. and stuff that "seems cool" - always seems to stress me out. but i think i pinpointed some of that stress and possibly how to avoid it. it's the actually following through is the hard part. i found some jobs that i think would actually be really awesome if i got, but those are kind of a long shot, especially because i'd need to move to a different country for that to happen, and i think they give preference to citizens of that country... for obvious reasons. either way... fingers crossed. and until then... vacation :) (ish)

2009-04-07T17:06:00.000-07:00

this gives me hope.

2009-03-23T18:31:00.001-07:00

it's coming to the end of my european vacation. sad. face. sort of. while it was a good time being out here and doing different things, i didn't do a TON of things that i wouldn't be able to do at home. and really doing these things and experiencing these things is really about the company you're with and sharing these moments with them. not that i didn't (mostly) enjoy the company i had - but these aren't my good friends, just people i met on this trip. so i had a good time, scratch that, a GREAT time. but i did miss you. sort of. :P in the sense that i wish you were here with me, not me with you.

either way, this last week or so has been kind of a whirlwind. since after st. patrick's day, i've been all around ireland, going to the south and west coasts, went to scotland, and now i'm in paris. i got to run around and drink wine and have desserts underneath the glow of the eiffel tower and it was awesome. sitting in the metro on the way up to the tower, i was like "oh, it's like the one in vegas." walking up to it actually, was inspiring. scotland was very pretty, and my new goal is to find an irish boyfriend so he can take me picnicking in the burren and the cliffs of moher, and then i've found the castle that sits on a lake that i'm getting married at. doesn't have to be an irish man for that, but i guess it makes the most sense because i wouldn't fly all the way over there to get married to someone who wasn't irish.... or would i?

i've taken over 1000 pictures or so, most of them i'll probably need to filter out. had more jameson and beer and beef stew and sausages than ever, and my clothes seriously need a washing, and i desperately need a haircut. oh yea, and then i have to find a source of income because my bank account is probably drained and my credit card bill is going to be ri.di.cul.ous. but it was worth it.

see you kids soon.

2009-03-12T16:04:00.001-07:00

There isn't really a "great" reason why I'm on the internet while in a foreign country, so I'll just chalk it up to jetlag. But hello from Dublin! I really wish that I could upload some pictures to post, but that will just have to wait until I come back. I also would like to post some SF pictures.

I just wanted to say hi~ it took awhile for "being in Dublin" to hit me, and I'm not even sure it really has yet. It's kind of just like traveling to any other "unknown" area, but I'm sure in the next few days as we do more sightseeing, it'll sink in more. I'm staying in a hostel (first time ever!) and did a little walking around. But I haven't been sleeping much, and trying to sleep on the plane wasn't fantastic, so we're going to get a good night sleep before traveling to Howth and Malahide tomorrow. I'm glad I have a whiskey drinking partner along, because I thought that it would be lonely journey for me. Not that the objective is to be shitfaced all the time. Plus, everything is expensive here. AND they charge you for mixed drinks twice. (Once of the liquor, once for the coke) or three times, in the case that I got two "dashes" of something. Bullshit I call, but hey.. I will be doing a lot of "on the rocks". Here's another tip for you: don't order seafood in Dublin. I thought seafood was supposed to be "good" in Ireland, but apparently only on the coasts, not in Dublin. And don't go to a place called Copper Faced Jacks - unless you want to be felt up and sleazed all over on the regular. (The last bit is speaking from hearsay, not experience... The seafood one: trust me.)

2009-02-23T02:08:00.000-08:00

so i watched the oscars and the reader tonight. the oscars, i'm going to say that i rathered enjoyed. there are some parts that were kind of bad, and a could be better. but i liked the different and the new look and all that other stuff. i'm not one who just likes what everyone else likes because they say it's good. maybe sometimes i try, and i can definitely be swayed, but usually i'm very simple in my likes. i watched the reader, and either i just wasn't paying attention, but i didn't quite "get it". maybe i'm not deep enough, maybe i had too much jack - but i read wikipedia afterwards and it makes more sense to me. the fine details i didn't quite get while watching the movie. to me, those things make a movie for me. in one sense, i REALLY enjoyed milk - and while heavily important, i didn't have to work hard to "get it". maybe this makes me incredibly dense or juvenile, but sometimes i don't want to work that hard in a movie. i like to be entertained. if i wanted to think - i'd work. and not to say i'm lazy, i like to be challenged, as long as there's a resolution. if i'm left with lots of questions and "make what you want of it"... that doesn't make me so happy.

anyhoo... i'm excited that curious case of benjamin button won for vfx. go digital domain. i slightly wish that i still worked there so i could share in the excitement. but hey.. i didn't actually work on that film, so my outsider excitement for them is the same as an ex or current employee. congrats kids.

in an effort to not re-type - check out: http://thatisneverok.blogspot.com/2009/02/super-sad-face.html i made this video, and while i'm kind of embarrassed and think it's super cheesy, i still think it's kind of clever. i'm sure in a few months, i'll come back and look at it and see what i could have done better. but there are some pieces (like my sister's wedding video) - i adore and think "wow.. i'm kind of good at this" not to toot my own horn, but for your own projects you know exactly how much work went into it, and i like seeing how near flawlessly it came out. when i used to be a lot better and formatting and rending stuff. apparently now i BLOW AT IT. (stupid work video....) anyhoo. you can see my very first video resume below and the sob story that accompanies it.

boo urns.

2009-02-10T02:47:00.000-08:00

so i think i've silently resolved to blog more here, because while puppies are fun, it's nice to go back and read through essentially my diary. i'm not quite as detailed, or exploitative or rambley as in something that i'd only read myself - but then that helps me be a little less embarrassed in the future. it kind of amazes me sometimes that i've had this blog since 2001. that seems like a loooooong time ago.

sometimes, i read back through the history of some entries - mostly when i'm looking for something, or trying to remember an event or something i said, and it's funny to me how i've changed over the years, because i don't *feel* like i've changed that much, but i guess i have. for the better or worse, i'm a slightly different jean now. dorina tells me that i've changed in the time that she's known me, which is roughly less than 3 years, you could only imagine how i'm different from 2001.

2001-2003 it's a lot of blogging about school, circle k, and towards the latter half, jason mraz. haha. the circle k friends (the people i met through the community service club, not hanging outside a convenience store) are the ones who got me into this "blogging" thing. i think at that time it was still new and exciting, or just not as rampant as it is now, and i either wanted to be one of the cool kids and have my very own link, or felt like i had something to share too, or it totally could have been peer pressure. regardless, it's interesting to read some of my ramblings and see what some of my biggest worries are at any particular moment.

2003-2005 i can't say all what it was about, but i was re-reading some post prior to me getting the job @ DD. there was a lot of sadness and angst, probably mostly from living at home and fighting with my parents EVERY.DAY. and not feeling good enough. there are a lot of sentences and statements in various blogs like "oh.. that's just cuz i'm a loser" or something to that effect, and i don't know if it was just cool and my thing to be that emo, or if i was fishing for compliments - but i definitely didn't think so highly of myself. now, i'm trying to think if i say that ever, even just for fun - and mostly i think about how many times i call other people losers - filled with a lot of eff words. is that mean? or confident? there's always a fine line between those.

within the past 3 years, blogging has been more sparse. i haven't read enough to really have a take on them, or maybe i'm not even far enough removed. maybe i'm so self-reflecty-ey because i'm coming to a time where i have to really think about myself and where i want to go next. it's not just... there for me.

there's also a lot of thought about relationships. i've met a girl at work, and we are a lot alike. and although she's 2 years younger than me, she's 4 years work experience behind me, and it sort of makes a lot of difference. but going back - this wasn't about work. she met a guy at work, and while i'm pretty sure she knows they're not MFEO, there was a point when she thought it was, then in dwindled, then she got really annoyed, then he ignored her, and now she's gone back to him. and my point in all this is that even if you KNOW it's not going to work out, do you just give it a go anyways? to say that you've tried, or just because you really feel like you want to try? i've definitely done that. but more than that, i've cut things off before they even get anywhere because i figure it's not going to happen, or matter, or work out. is that wrong? am i saving myself a headache? or missing out on an experience? am i being smart and not crazy? or unfeeling and cold?

my friend has a date this week. my friend is ALWAYS going out on dates. i don't even know how my friend has the time or the energy to meet so many different people to go on so many different dates. and my friend isn't genuinely that happy. and there are many times that i say, "i'm so glad i'm not my friend." but do i wish i was my friend so that i can experience all these things, even if it means driving myself crazy or getting out of my comfort zone? i don't know.

lastly, i sometimes ask the roommate's BF for guy or life advice. while being pretty sane, he has the compassion and observational insight. that's important. he's never definite, and just always suggests, and usually gives pretty good advice. he's gone through many situations over the course of high school until now, and i think that helps when i'm trying to ask him about LIFE. he said that one has to be comfortable with yourself to go after and obtain other things that you want. and if you're not, then you have to figure out what it is, and how to change it. that seems like pretty DUH advice, but it's not something people spend a lot of time on, because, you know, it's easier to live with the status quo. i think that's also what this time off is going to be for. i mean.. aside from the month and a half of traveling that i just conjured up in my brain. i want to say that i will be better for it by the next time i get a job, or maybe just stuff to work on for 2009.

be the change you want to see.

2009-02-09T03:29:00.000-08:00

so today i was making fun of a friend saying that he was crazy for staying up until 2am when he got up at 9am this morning and was planning to wake up by 8am. granted i'm not waking up at 8am, but it's 3:30am and I'm still up. good job. i guess i just feel like there's "stuff" that needs to be done. and the whole last 2 weeks on the job thing/post giant event is also probably swaying my decision to not need to sleep so early.

today i FINALLY got a WiiFit. to be honest I hadn't been looking THAT hard. i'd check the aisles everytime i went to target, or best buy, or occasionally stop at the game stop or something if i was near on. it pretty much turned up empty, sometimes i'd get fooled by empty boxes on display... bastards. today i was at the target in weho and just happened to check the aisle. to my very disbelief there it was. two of them! i was like "wait.. is this just a mat? or a trick? some accessory?" but no.. it was it! eeeeee!! i went over to the counter and was going to ask the guy in the case to unlock it for me, when this little boy was all "excuse me sir, can we get the wii fit." i was there first, and i swear that if there weren't two i totally would have knocked him over because he wasn't even in the aisle or at the counter when i first got there. but, it's all good, i have my wiifit, and sadly i didn't break into it the second i got home, there were a few other things i had to do today, and when i got home and wanted to break into it, my roommate(s) were watching their horrid television show. more reason to hate BSG. haha. i will admit that that dude in it is hott, but i still don't think i'd ever start watching it. it's just going to stay in my pile of "things i hate just cuz" with michael phelps, eggplant and 92.3 the beat.

2009-02-04T01:45:00.000-08:00

so it's 1:45am. i really should be sleeping, like bad. i slept ALL day saturday, like did not get out of bet until 6pm. i was TIRED. last night i got roughly 4 hours of sleep. this i bad. i have BAD habits, and i'm supposed to be getting more sleep now that the show is over. doesn't really happen.

i'm sitting (laying really) here listening to my girly strummy acoustickey music. started with tristan prettyman, moved to colbie caillat, going back to t.pretty in a sec. i get in those mood sometimes.

tonight i went to a screening of he's just not that into you. a fuller review will probably be on the puppies blog later this week, but i will say that it wasn't my favorite and i was kind of cringing through a majority of it. and i really liked 27 dresses. i mean, my roommate (and some of my super snobby prententious movie elitist friends) try to make me out to feel like 27 dresses is one of the worst movies ever. but i can relate. i can't relate to the he's just not that into you, while i can be uber girly sometimes, lately, i have had a hard time relating to the crazy. sorry. it makes me uncomfortable.

with that said... yes i'm still listening to girly rock. mostly because madly by t.pretty was in it, and i kind of *heart* that song.

anyhoo - life is kind of up in the air. i can't say that i know what i'm going to do, and i slightly enjoy it. sort of. i got extended another week at work, and then have jury duty after that. i think there's a vegas excursion in the works. my sister is coming back home - so that usually mean increased family time - which is good with the time off. then i'm really considering europe, and possibly asia. i like the idea of picking up and going. but reality sometimes sets in and i'm wondering just how plausible it all can be. with the current state of the economy and this recession we're in - in my own ignorant bubble sort of way, i can't say that i've really "felt" it. sure, i make less money, but that was a choice and a choice to take jobs that made me happy and to spread out. i don't think they were lower paying because of the economy - actually the position i'm in now supposedly is higher paying than it was last year. i'm actually saving money because i'm never home and eat at work always - so, i really am kind of living in a bubble. today i was talking to my father and realized that my 401k has decreased by 30-40%. that's kind of a lot. my dad shared some of his financial statistics to try and demonstrate that my loss is kind of how it is across the board, but seeing his not-so-success didn't make me feel much better. and it makes me think i shouldn't be squandering my money on things like vegas, europe, china, new dresses, and ... stuff. (not drugs.. promise...) that maybe i should try to find a really good paying job, even if it's not what i "want" to do, and so i can take care of myself, save up, and help my parents out/pay them back some. wow.. am i growing up?

not in the least.

haha.. i mean.. i don't know. watching this movie tonight - i probably laughed at all the inopportune moments, and thought 75% of the movie was dumb. does that mean i have issues? that i'm unfeeling? that i'm not being true to myself? that i'll end up alone? honestly, i don't know. here's to wondering what the future will bring - but i'm gonna have to say i hope i have at least some of this figured out by the time i'm 35. i think that's a good "need to have your shit together" age. hopefully earlier. i think i was aiming for 30 - but at this point, that seem premature.

funny enough i kind of have some ideas, but i never seem to have the means/aims to implement them. i guess that's what separates me from the bill gates/tom from myspace/ryan seacrest's of the world.

so while i feel like i need to find a career. i also think that some time off would be good to try and figure stuff out. or just learn and enjoy. i don't know. kind of dilemma - but not a terrible one.

and to leave you with - totally discrediting everything i said about me being non-girly. my super girly girl-rock lyrics:

Take time to realize,
That your worth is
Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you,
No, it's never gonna be that simple
But I can't spell it out for you

If you just realize what I've just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now...

colbie caillat, realize

2009-01-31T03:19:00.001-08:00

I made a little video the goes into details about the SAG Awards Ceremony Auction for this year. While you may not care for certain celebrities of movies of this year, there are maybe things you care about like... james Earl Jones Autographed Star Wars Posters or Talking Darth Vader helmet, or Set visits to various TV shows (who wants to me AC Slater?!), or some other REALLY cool items like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Costume Designer portfolio. That may be the one I like best. But there's also other really cool stuff like Entourage signed poster and dvd's, Autographed Slumdog poster (totally going to sweep the awards season), other signed items from Boston Legal, The Closer, House, Weeds, Dexter, 30 Rock, ... etc etc etc. There's also a Heath Ledger signed Brokeback Mountain poster. It starts @ $25k. I don't think anyone I know is going to be able to afford that - but if you're reading this, can afford that, and are a good looking fella - leave a comment now.

In short, there are TONS of really neat-o things, and I slaved over this video and even locked my car in a garage for a night because of it, so I'd really like you to watch it. And then bid on things. So I can look good.

THANKS.

http://www.sagawards.org/auction_store <-- CHECK ME OUT NOW.

2009-01-10T13:55:00.000-08:00

haaaaaaappy new year.

so i totally forgot to mention that there's another blog. no, tv - i'm not cheating on you, but just sharing the wealth. i'm not as good at keeping up to date, or blogging as some people, but you've gotta have goals right?

i've been pretty sick as late, or at least this is the first time i let myself be this sick. i'm amazed that during the 5 months that i was on bedtime, that i didn't get terribly ill - with all the stress, not sleeping and crappy eating. there were a few days where I got sick, but they only lasted a day or two. i wasn't "allowed" to get sick. hah. the last two weeks of december, i had been battling and minor cold, and it would come and go and this past monday it came back with a vengeance. i stayed home sick from work Thursday and Friday and "worked from home" and i did - but it was more about me sitting around in my pj's. i was pretty much forced to stay home though because i share an office in a really tight space with 4 other people, and no one is wanting to get sick with the two weeks we have ahead of us. i guess it wasn't so bad. except for the fact that i feel like poo.

i switched my comments system over to the blogspot system. scarily enough - when i started this blog, blogspot didn't have comments as part of their system - but now.. the system that i was using - is going out of business. does that make me feel old or what? anyhoo - i'm going to try and beef up certain things of my internet skillz - mostly because there is so much out there that i'm not taking advantage of. do a better job, jean.

one thing that i have been thinking about lots too is what my life is going to be like in about a month from now. well, technically i'll still have a job, but i'll be 3 days away from not. i haven't really started looking, under the guise that i'd like to "take a break". but if these past few days have taught me anything, is that i get bored really easily. i'm not sure i could handle doing "nothing". although having free time while not being sick can be a different experience. i've contemplated traveling, moving to another city (eek!) or just trying to keep building my life here. i haven't really gone any further on any decisions, and kind of am going to wait to cross that bridge when i come to it. i'm not sure if that's a wise idea or not - but that's what i'm gonna do. i feel kind of weird trying to plan so far in advance (wow.. did those words just come out of my mouth?)

anyhoo.. here is the "new" blog (new is in quotes, because it's not a replacement, just additional!"
Jean and Andrea get a Puppy

AAAAAANNNNDD... here are a few sites for my work. check them out. be my friend.
http://www.sagawards.org
http://www.sagawards.org/auction_store
http://twitter.com/sagawards
http://www.myspace.com/sagawards
SAG Awards Facebook Profile>
http://weblog.xanga.com/sagawards
http://sagawards.livejournal.com/

here's to 2009.

2008-12-20T00:29:00.000-08:00

Okay, so maybe I don't have a "real" reason why today sucks and posting the story about how Jaymie's birthday was a sort of giant FAIL would probably be more interesting, but I don't have the energy for that - so I'm going to just kind of whine in the attempt it makes me feel better.

Two days ago I worked 31 hours straight... it kind of wiped me out. I guess I sort of expected it, and it's not the first time I had pulled an all nighter, but I definitely passed out the second I hit the bed, and maybe even a few times at my desk sub-conciously. I slept from 5pm-10pm, and then had some QRT and them slept for like 9 more hours. Should have been good right? Except today I was still massively sluggish and had a major headache. You could say I was still exhausted, or that I slept too much. Either way, today wasn't the funnest, but there was work to be done, along with our holiday party. That was fun, but I am beginning to feel more and more awkward in social situations, and a little more distant. I find myself not really wanting to talk to new people, for the simple fact that I feel like I have NOTHING to say. Or sometimes people just annoy me. Everything seems like a task or a chore, and that annoys me too. I don't know what is wrong with me, that I got to be like that. I think I need help.

Today was my mom's birthday, and I called to wish her a happy birthday. I know people don't like to make big deals about their own birthday, but when I want to make a big deal about yours, I want you to let me. She didn't want to go out, or do anything, and was kind of being a grump about it. But I know she still wanted to, so of course I went home. Except I was trying to finish up some stuff, and didn't leave work until 8pm. Stupid. That was dumb of me. So I was stressing out about not being there in time, and all this other nonsense, especially because I know my mom is crazy and while she didn't want to make a big deal about her birthday, she still really wanted me to be there and have dinner with me, and I totally failed at that. And when I didn't think it was that big of a deal, I realized my mom had gotten kind of dressed up in a nice sparkly sweater to go out to dinner with me. I SUCK.

Got home and my dad had already made dinner. I felt bad because I was late, I felt icky because I was tired, and just... bleh. I ate some, listened to my mom talk on the phone, and I was bored. I felt kind of bad because we should be hanging out, or spending quality time with my parents - but we don't do that. My mom sits on the phone or watches TV, my dad plays card games on his computer, and I.. sit. there. Which sometimes I don't mind, and other times, I just really wanted to be at home sleeping. What also makes me sad is that my dad went out and bought a cake that my mom really likes, and an angel cookie to put on top, and my mom just kind of shuts him down because she's mad at him for other reasons. Doesn't really want to talk to him, doesn't want to take pictures with him, and that's also hard to see a relationship deteriorate like that. It's sad. It makes me sad. I also realized that we should have made a bigger deal about it, it's my mom's 60th birthday and all, and I showed up late. I SUCK EVEN MORE. Anyhoo, we ate cake, I yawned a few more times and my parents sent me home.

I also stopped at Best Buy after work, because I got an email saying my Rock Band 2 was available for pick up, but the line was too long, and I was already late - so I left. Grr. On my way back to the apartment, I realized that it was holiday hours and Best Buy could still be open, so I went to pick up my Rock Band 2 and the girl couldn't find it. UGH. I waited around, searched the store, and she still could not find it. Then she tells me the computer system is messed up and although they have none there, the computer sent me the email anyways and there's nothing they could do. WHAT? LAME. I find out where there might be some at other stores and literally wasted 1/2 hour of my life. For some reason it just pushed me over the edge and just makes me really angry. I hate when things don't go right.

I also have been slightly stressing out about something else that didn't seem to go right. I know it's not something I should be worrying about, but I dwell, cuz that's what I do. I'm a dweller. POOP.

Bright side of today... I got a bunch of screeners from work. Movie watching here I come.

2008-12-19T21:47:00.000-08:00

Cake courtesy of my dad

2008-12-17T03:17:00.001-08:00

I shouldn't have added that last line.

2008-12-12T04:03:00.001-08:00

So I just got home from work a little bit ago. Is this looking to be a trend of days to come? I don't think so. It's funny how my new hours are pretty chill and I wonder how they're going to get such a big event done in just a few short weeks, but everyone is really pleasant and gets mad at me when I stay past 7pm or come in too much before 10am. Yea, that weirds me out, too.

Tomorrow we have a launch, so I had to construct a bunch of sites. True, I could have been doing them last week instead of facebooking, but I didn't have the proper info. Hindsight, 20/20. We stayed until late, my boss refused to leave without me and tomorrow we've been ordered to not come in before noon. I thought about coming in at 10 anyways, because I am totally capable of doing it. But who wants to me THAT girl? Not me.

The point of this blog mainly was that tomorrow, I know that they'll be really appreciated of the work we did and won't be shy in showing it. Tonight, when it was late and people we're tired and there was still a lot to do, nobody snapped at anyone. Everyone helped each other, nobody tried to look better than anyone else, and there wasn't anyone creating really negative spaces or energy. I realize even more now how important that is. People can be pleasant, but it's the people who are genuinely pleasant when the going gets tough are the ones everyone always want around. Keep that one in mind.

Good night!

2008-12-11T16:36:00.000-08:00

Working on the third floor near a giant picture window isn't so bad. I just need to figure out how to get this for my bedroom view.

2008-12-05T01:44:00.000-08:00

sometimes you just need a little pick me up:

jay: um you didnt tell me the time you picked her drunk ass up when she was with a guy you liked that it was Mv1.0
me: oh.. embarassing
me: did i tell you that?
me: did she tell you this?
jay: she told me
jay: she told me that's how awesome you are
jay: i was like, i know
jay: how awesome jean is and i heard that story
jay: and honestly
jay: you can do way better than Mv1.0

spaz: look at what I found!
spaz: [redacted]
me: hahahahah
me: stalker!
spaz: [redacted]
spaz: [redacted]
me: OMG.
spaz: [name redacted] is still f*cking boring!!!
me: LOL
spaz: you're welcome.

I would even spend my very last text messages on you. - aki

<3

2008-12-01T12:55:00.000-08:00

So this day gets even better. I went to the wrong place on my first
day. I must seem like the biggest tard ever.

2008-12-01T10:00:00.001-08:00

Who wants to hear a funny story?

So I was loading my computer into my car and foolishly I locked my
keys in my trunk. Awesome. Did I mention it's the first day at my new job? So now I'm watching this triple a guy tear away at my car trying to open and unlock the door, but he can't. So, for one thing I should be thankful that it's not that easy to break into my car, but it's a little painful to watch him jam his sharp toothy tool down the door to unsuccessfully unlock my door. Funny enough, the whole time the alarm
didn't go off. I guess I should be kinds thankful for that too.

Aaaand he just left because he said it was too hard and he can't do it. Awesome. I called triple a again and they said they're going to send someone more skilled who should be able to do it. Next time send that guy first okay? I guess it's actually time to invest in a spare
key. Meh.

2008-11-27T19:17:00.001-08:00

So my parents wanted me to take this picture and send it to my sister so they could be like "look, we're eating thanksgiving dinner!". First of all, that's mean. And second, there's no turkey! My sister's right. I should have had my mom ask and make sure there was a turkey. But I didn't think I needed to. Who doesn't eat turkey on Thanksgiving??!! Apparently there was a turkey one year and no one ate it, so now they eat ham. FYI people: ham is for Christmas. If I leave now, I might be able to still make it to Hometown Buffet.

2008-11-19T03:00:00.000-08:00

Don't replace one moron with Moron v 2.0 - workBFF

hilariously good advice that I received today...

2008-11-15T02:05:00.000-08:00

so i really should be going to bed so i can wake up early and come right back here to work and do it all again... but i'm not. oops. i should know better, but i don't do it, and i'm about to fall asleep on this couch. would that be so horrible? i could "nap" on this couch at work, wake up and download some files, go home and brush my teeth and then drive to hollywood for the review. wow.. that just sounds sad. it's weird though - because when i get busy and work this much - i kind of get used to working so much, and not hanging out with people. so much so, that it seems overwhelming when i have to socialize. it's like those kids who get locked in closets. what is also dumb and weird is that every so often i realize that the world just goes on without me and get a little sad about it. i'm like "oh wow, you have this whole relationship and i have no idea what's going on." or "your sister came and visited and i just totally missed it." as i tend to dwell in the past, i've been thinking about how life has changed in the past few years. where i've lived, what i've done, what i've accomplished, who i've hung out with, and where i am now. there is no conclusion really, or point, i just spend a lot of time thinking about it. (is this what happens when you get closer to being older?!)

anyways.. the reason why i came to blog is because i just wanted to write about the day. as we are trying to deliver this show, (that we were supposed to deliver a few weeks ago), this week has been a little crazy. people are getting testy, high strung, a few arguments have ensued, sometimes strongly worded emails and flown across. funny enough, i don't think i've cried this week. a few times i've wanted to, but haven't. a few times i've yelled, walked around, swore words (i told myself to stop with the outbursts as work.. but i just can't help it), but haven't cried. maybe that's an accomplishment. maybe i'm building up this thick skin they say you need or something. today i:

1. left work at 3am, returned at 9:30am
2. bought a breakfast sandwich that i ate two bites of and didn't eat all day and just threw away. sad face.
3. got yelled at, twice, before noon.
4. witnessed my boss yell at the head of production, and then hang up on in the next conversation
5. got bay cities and then only ate half of that
6. downloaded over 5000 files in a few hours, i heart you Aspera.
7. had strong words with this line producer, and continued to gripe LOUDLY about her for a few hours. that probably wasn't so professional
8. figured out someone tried to tech fix something they never finaled... lame.
9. discussed with everyone how the man-in-charge keeps using this word incorrectly, but keeps saying it like he's so smart and no one wants to correct him. i offered up a dollar to anyone who told him he was using the word wrong.

despite all that, it hasn't been a "bad" day. maybe i've learned how to let things go easier, maybe i don't care anymore, maybe i'm done feeling. at least with this for now. okay fine.. that's not true. maybe i'm just trying not to be so boo hoo woe is me, because i've realized how annoying it is when other people talk about how much things suck, how much work they have to do, and just generally be so negative all the time. i'm trying to work on that... in the work context at least.

2008-11-08T12:56:00.000-08:00

i'm really kind of sad right now. you want to know how many times i've had to re-organize the board at work? too many. like at least 4, which doesn't sound like a lot, but considering the amount of work that it takes to reorganize this board, it makes me sad. 1 of those times, i had to buy nicole and andrea dinner to have them come help me and it took the 3 of us 3 hours to get it done. that's 9 hours people. and then i organized it in a way that would make sense. make it easy. organized it by sequence (which it kind of like by vendor) and then by date so it was clear what was being done, and not a lot of reorganizing would have to be done in order to to keep it updated. everytime i do something, someone wants it done a different way. people who have no idea what it takes to keep it updated, or care. because it's not their problem. it's mine. and if that was my only problem, i would be less whiney. but it's not. sure. i could be reorganizing the board instead of blogging, but that's not going to me less sad, so here i am blogging. first i had it organized by sequence and by date. then someone stupid dumbass bright idea thinks it's better to do it by date first, then sequence. that's dandy, thanks. i had to updated and move it all around since the weeks have gone by. now i get to reorganize it so it's by vendor (pseudo sequence) and by reel. when i make a grumpy face because it's more hours spent doing mindless shit, my boss hands me a piece of paper saying, it's not hard, it's all on the paper, it's all right here. thanks. i know it's not hard. i'm not an idiot. i know how to follow a piece of paper, and i know exactly what you mean. it just sucks. that's what the face is about. and it's not just about the work, but the fact that they just think that this is my job. sure ... it is. but when i suggested bringing someone in to help out with "stuff"... this is the kind of stuff i meant. you want me to organize shot review, and keep people on track, review your change orders, submit weekly status reports, make sure people are on track, and do your shot board. and then you say things like "i don't need snacks" - but when it comes down to it and you want coffee, or lunch, because, yea.. you need to eat. who's gets to do that. me. you joke around and say things like "oh.. we should send the PA for a coffee run... oh wait" in an attempt to be funny, but it's also a subtle hint that you want coffee, and want me to go get it. i really want to say that i'm done with that shit. but i can't, because i care too much. i care that all the little shit is done right, that the big shit i have to do gets pushed to the side because it requires more time, and then someone does it before me. someone else says they're gonna order pizza. on more than two occasions you've said you were going to do it, and it never happened, because you got "busy" and there was no dinner. that's probably my fault too. i'm sad because i get pigeon holed into this category where my responsibilities are all the minute shit that isn't important to you - but yet when it comes down to it, i have to be responsible for the big stuff, i just never get any credit for it.

i think i'm going to take that other job, only because it's a change of pace. i think i'll be able to get away from the "admin" side of needing to take care of your crap and be responsible for my projects. maybe i'm too sensitive, or too paranoid, but it slightly makes me want to cry that i'm constantly feeling more under valued. when i was little, i would express this to my mom, and she's like, i'm not going to sugar coat things, and be all sweety and lovey dovey. and it's weird because when people are that way to me, i get really uncomfortable. but when i don't get it, i need it. yes, need. it's a fine line on the amount and the method though.

am i being paranoid and just looking for someone to blame when i think the other girl is sabotaging stuff to edge me out? is that just the business and i should accept it? i've been given a wrap date, and other girls i've heard is later than mine. i'd like to just leave a bunch of stuff for her to do, and then people can see how much i took care of, but then it will default into one of those things like "poor her, jean just left without doing all this stuff and other girl is the hero for getting it done" that's how people are. i don't get it. i need lessons on how to make myself look like a martyr without it looking like that's what i'm doing. or at least how to too my own horn without it being all .. look at me. i also need to learn how to respond in a manner that's not so "duh." it's weird because i feel like people ask me stupid questions, and so i respond with stupid answers. things that make sense to me, people might not get. so when they're asking questions, i need to be less argumentative and more agreeable. this part is hard, because i think too much, am over-opinionated and kind of outspoken. when i'm confirming or agreeing with people, i need to make it seem less like i'm shooting them down. that doesn't even sound like it makes sense, wtf. i need to find a way for people to take me seriously, and not just think i'm being naive or frivolous or young. i need my opinion to matter. yes, i'm an ego maniac, an attention whore, and a greedy jerk. that's basically what this entire post was about.

2008-11-07T13:45:00.000-08:00

Japanese version of a wanted ad

2008-11-05T10:37:00.000-08:00

this is my 900th post! whoa!

and it's dedicated to workBFF because we have the best conversations and inspires me to try an blog half as well as her. (yuk.. that was way too mushy)

me: did you go back to vote?
duckee: i voted absentee
me: gotcha
duckee: yah. it was fun, but not as fun. did you vote?
me: not yet.. i was supposed to go this morning, but my meeting got cancelled, and i had a call.
duckee: oh
me: so i'm gonna try to book it after our evening review to go vote
duckee: i kinda feel like lines will be shorter in the afternoon
me: yesterday they said that they were gonna make me got during lunch.. but THAT didn't happen
duckee: that's un-american. barack obama does not approve that message.
me: hahahah. dude.. how much does it suck that his grandmother died yesterday
duckee: i know, right. if he loses, he'll probably be epically depressed.
me: omg.. that would be the worst day ever.

me: should we go to this?
me: http://www.thrillist.com/LA2Year/
me: pro = free jameson
me: con = angry clowns
duckee: pro: photobooth
duckee: con: hollywood
me: yea.. that too
duckee: this is tough.
me: the clowns might be a deal breaker for me

Obama and Korean tofu with my mom

2008-11-04T21:06:00.000-08:00

I haven't spent a lot of time researching the election, but I like
Obama. I think he's really charismatic. I get the warm fuzzies
thinking about the turnout and how much people care and it gives me
hope about the future, and people.

Obamanos!

2008-11-02T23:47:00.001-08:00

Head under water
And they tell me... to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder... even I know that
You made room for me but it's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands
I'm unusually... hard to hold on to
Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this hard on me

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you asked for it
'Cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you tell me it's
Make or break in this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you... to stay
If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better
Reason to write you... a love song today
Today, yeah

I learned the hard way
That they all say... things you want to hear
And my heavy heart... sinks deep down under you and
Your twisted words,
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello... to high and dry
Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you asked for it
'Cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you tell me it's
Make or break in this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better
Reason to write you... a love song today

Promise me... you'll leave the light on
To help me see... with daylight, my guide, gone
'Cause I believe there's a way... you can love me
Because I say
I won't write you a love song
'Cause you asked for it
'Cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you tell me it's make or break in this
Is that why you wanted a love song
'Cause you asked for it
'Cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you tell me it's make or break in this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you... to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don't want it for a minute
Babe, I'll walk the seven seas when I believe that
There's a reason to
Write you... a love song today

-sara bareilles, love song

2008-10-28T11:20:00.001-07:00

BOO!!!!!!!

2008-10-28T11:18:00.001-07:00

my door at work. thank you, andrea!

2008-10-28T02:25:00.000-07:00

i'm not religious at all - but i need some of this...

GOD, grant me the
Serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change
Courage
to change the
things I can
and the
Wisdom
to know the difference.

2008-10-26T15:57:00.000-07:00

Work on a Sunday. I SO don't want to be here. But I am rockin out to
the Tony Rich Project, so there is an upside.

2008-10-24T03:28:00.001-07:00

Score!!! Now if they could just let me customize my text MSG
sounds... I have the best one ever.

Testing!

2008-10-24T03:25:00.001-07:00

Testing to see if blogging from my iPhone works

2008-10-19T16:43:00.000-07:00

so. let me tell you one of my pet peeves. i hate. hate hate HATE when people come in and change your shit around because they think their idea is better. if it's a better idea sure. fine. yea, that makes sense. but i spend a lot of time thinking about things and how they work, and how they'll work in the future to what's best. and in reality too. like.. sure.. you might think your idea is good, but are you going to maintain it and carry it out? Or is it going to be my job to carry out your crappy idea that's going to just be trouble for me? most of the time (with the exception of a few people) your idea isn't better. And sure, sometimes i'll split hairs. Sometimes your way is one way, and my way is another way - and they're both good, so who cares. But when I've spent a few days plus all day today doing it one way, is it really that necessary to change it to your way? Especially when today is the last time you'll ever touch it? You saw me doing it this way last week, and saw me doing it this way all day today. Only when I'm almost finished do you say "hey, let's do it this way!" Sure. Go for it. Yes. Maybe I'm being kind of a child by just walking away and not helping. I'm not really offended that you don't like the way I've organized it, I just hate wasting my time. And I've just wasted 4 hours today, and I'm not going to waste anymore. It'll probably be up to me to maintain it, or I can just wash my hands of it completely. What's funny is that no one would have taken any initiative to get it done, unless I started doing it. And now everyone else is going to get credit for making the board look great. "you did all the hard work, now you just have to re-do it"

yea thanks. that's a not so much.

2008-10-14T20:51:00.000-07:00

cute client services boy i like to smile at: "do you need anything else?"
me: "no thanks, i'm good." smiley face.

how this conversation should have went:
cute client services boy i like to smile at: "do you need anything else?"
me: "you."

the sky will fall before that conversation ever actually happens. *sigh

2008-09-29T14:15:00.000-07:00

it just started raining as i was walking back to my office from lunch. guess who just got her car washed on saturday? boo!! i'm hoping the rain passes by the time i get off work - it's pseudo safe in the garage for now.

i think i should consider not drinking for awhile. friday night was "fun" and saturday morning was kind of awful. i can't remember many conversations, phone calls and text messages from friday night, and i say things that.. i can't tell that i don't mean, or i just don't want to admit, or i don't even know i was thinking! whoa. really though, no more drinking for awhile - the thought of it almost makes me a little ill. heh. we'll see how long that lasts though.

i will say that i do miss the mall. probably because i don't go there a lot. sometimes i think i hate it because it's such a hassle. but on saturday, i walked into the mall, and it was just all sorts of goodness. bought some jewelry, almost got talked into getting my ears pierced, and had good food. the mall is great. you know where else is great? target and costco. i bought lots of food that i probably won't be eating any time soon (i mostly tried to buy stuff that wouldn't go to waste though!) and cooked dinner at my sister's on sunday. it makes me really want a house (and or just bigger kitchen with nicer kitchen stuff) and/or have a dinner party again. a nice one. but there's no time, and not really an occasion (not that you "really" need one.) but most especially, not really a lot of room. we'll see what we can do about that.

i'm in a very anti work mood today, even though i have TONS to do. six weeks(ish) to go! (whoops, my boss just walked up behind me while i was blogging. HAH. i should probably get on gettin' on.)

2008-09-22T09:03:00.000-07:00

damn you workBFF. you're not online so I can complain to you. no one that i can talk to is really online right now. it's monday morning at 9am. what do i expect?

so i'm having a good morning, despite the fact that i came in early for a shot delivery that is happening at 9:30. cool. it's okay. i have my large free coffee bean, a breakfast burrito and a C monster. i'm set. i've also go hilarious office antics. and by hilarious, i mean ridiculous. the way it's supposed to go in the morning is that we're supposed to get these shots, DUMB was coming in early to cut in the shots for us. at least that's what it said in the email i got. so i'm here, and we get one of the two shots. i put it in DUMB's folder, and when she comes in this morning (not early) i go to tell her it's there. she tells me that she prefers for other person to do it. which is fine. so i ask her how her weekend was, and she replies "same as everyone else's" and i play dumb and say "oh, were you here on saturday?" and she's like "yea". and so i say "well, did you at least do something fun yesterday?" and mind you, this whole time she's just prepping her breakfast, back turned towards me, not even replying. she scoffs/laughs and says "i don't know why you're asking me these questions." so in a sing songy voice i say "just trying to be friendly" as i walk way. that probably wasn't annoying. maybe partially i enjoy it. do i really think i'm still trying to get along with her? i can't tell.

whatever... my breakfast burrito loves me.

2008-09-22T01:07:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I'm still at work. It's 1:07am, and I have to be back here in roughly 7 hours. Actually, less than 7 hours because I'm supposed to be back at 8am. Stupid time zones. I was doing reports ALL day today that should have taken me hours. I don't know why it took me SO long. It's terrifying. I also am being really nitpicky about these reports, and a little OCD about it. I don't know what it is. In some weird way, this job makes me bitter, cynical, mean and hate people in all their stupidity... but yet I continue to keep at it. Maybe because it's the one thing in my life that I can control, or being good at it will bring something better to my life. Or I'm just uber OCD in general. I hate feeling like I'm disorganized or I don't know what I'm talking about and I'm constantly chasing my tail. Except I'm ALWAYS feeling this way because that's how this show is. I really didn't need to spend 12 hours on three reports. REALLY? Ugh. Sometimes I need to just say enough is enough.

Bleh.

2008-09-17T23:18:00.000-07:00

everytime i watch this, i still kind of laugh a little.

2008-09-17T13:57:00.001-07:00

work is great story # 550848324

i just saw amy adams. she's so cute. i kind of heart her.

2008-09-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

work is great story # 549302394

so last night i check my email on a whim, since you know, i have my fancy new iphone and all. and find that our scanning vendor can access the sites to upload the files our vendors need to work on shots. good times. so i call them, test my connections, and then tell them to use the ftp instead. the connection later starts working, and say, hey you can use the connection now too. sounds good eh? i mean, i know it wasn't necessarily "my" problem to solve and i'm not in charge of scans anymore, and the person who is, doesn't like me touching her stuff (because she's DUMB) - but i figure - hey... it's midnight, no one else is going to solve this problem, my vendor is going to be at work in a few hours and have no scans, and that's going to suck, i'm going to fix this.

problem is fixed, except the scanning vendor only uploaded 1 out of the 3 scans they were supposed to send. gee. great. i ask DUMB if she saw the mail, and first of all, when i say "hey DUMB", she replies "WHAT." umm. good morning to you too. i know i'm not a morning person, but ooooookay. she says to me about the issue that "yea, it's that whole issue with the aspera thing, i thought you were working on that" (that's also another reason why i don't like doing anything, once i say even one word, DUMB will say "well you're taking care of it, i'm not doing anything". hey lady, there's no I in TEAM.") so i clarify that they only received 1 out of the 3 and as she is walking away (actually, she never even stopped to talk to me...) she says, yea, we'll have to call the scanning vendor. and because i'm unclear, and i don't want it to fall into one of those things where she'll say that i was supposed to be taking care of it, i say "are you going to call them" and she yells down the hall "YES I'M GOING TO CALL THE SCANNING VENDOR." umm.. thanks. w.t.f. but it's a good thing that i've started to learn how to cover my ass.

seriously. i don't get why people behave like this. or why or how i illicit this behavior out of people. i mean.. i'm not all distraught about this (today...). it's actually pretty comical this morning. but there's gotta be something about me, because this has happened more than once. there's always the one person who doesn't like me for some reason or another and treats me kind of like that. they all kind of have the same attitude and personality - so maybe i just don't mesh well with that. in my own ego-ness, i'd like to think it's because they're so jealous and lame, they have to talk shit because they have nothing better to do, because i am awesome. yup, that's pretty much it ;P

2008-09-16T17:53:00.000-07:00

proof that i have the humor of a 12 year old boy (not like you need anymore):

me: oooh.. who are you gonna pick

crackerman: i choo choo choose bill maher

me: basically yourself.

crackerman: heh. i suppose so. hey man, if i dont love me who will?
me: haha.. rosie

crackerman: ew

me: HAH.

2008-09-10T02:16:00.000-07:00

So I really should probably be sleeping. I have an all morning meeting for a run through in which no one from our team is attending at night which, to me, seems sketchy. I'd like to say that it was an oversight, but we came to the conclusion that leaving us out is partially intentional. Or maybe people are really just that stupid. It just doesn't make sense how people operate sometimes. You don't think it's important that people who are giving direction on how things will look need to be there in the review of the product? Really?

Which brings me to original subject and point of me blogging instead of sleeping.

Ever since I've started this job, I've had an issue with a few things, the long hours, the massive amount of work, the confusion - but one hasn't been as constant or annoying as the attitude. True, you're never going to have the ideal working environment, and there are always people who are you're going to want to punchemintheface, but it can be so much better or so much worse. Since the beginning I've had to deal with two constant painsinmyass. These ladies, P & K, started out... sort of nice. Sort of. And maybe because I don't suck up to them, maybe because I'm so head strong, maybe because.. you know... I have no clue. They don't like me, and openly ignore my existence, talk to me as little as possible, and a flat out rude to my face. I DON'T GET IT. How do "grown ass people" (for lack of a better term) act like this? In the work place? No clue. Sometimes I laugh it off, because it's funny how stupid people are, and other times it really gets to me. My co-workers have told me not to take it personal, and know that their people skills suck, and while I don't take it all that personal, and I know it's not all me, it's still really frustrating and trying to be constantly be treated like that and to have to put up with it, on top of all the other things that I need to do. It's increasingly frustrating when it impedes me from doing a good job.

Example: Today there was a shortage of crew gifts floating around, however... I got one. I wanted to switch out my Medium for a Small, and since I knew there was an extra Small floating around, I wanted to switch out. However, P grabbed the extra before I could switch it out because she wanted to solve her shortage problem. I asked if I could switch out the Medium I had for the Small she just grabbed (because really, there's like one person on your crew who is a Small and you have 4 Smalls and 2 XL's. I'm really helping you out here.) Anyways... she acted all indignant, and so I said "if this messes up your plan, I don't have to switch." So then she says to me, has the freaking nerve to say to me "it doesn't mess up my plan, but I'm just trying to figure out how to get jackets for the people who have been on the show since the beginning."

Umm.. okay. Well technically, you're short a jacket for someone who hasn't been on the show since the beginning, so what are you talking about? And guess what? You gave your lazyhardlyworthanythingdoltofa PA a jacket and he's been around about just as long as me, and if you think he deserves one more than I do, then you're fucking retarded. It's not about the jacket. Really, I could care less. I mean, I like free stuff, who doesn't? But the idea that she didn't think I deserved a certain level of respect from her and her excuse is because I haven't been on the show since the beginning? That would fine if I wasn't saving this show's ass on a daily basis.

I'm going to stop complaining now. I know it's not personal, and I know it's not me. I know I'm the freaking shit and my boss got the best deal ever when he hired me (*sigh). You know what makes me smile? Is when I get emails from vendors like "p.s. it has been a pleasure working with you guys! you are far more organized than many of my clients." And "thanks for being a cool and good coordinator, it makes it SO much easier :)". And pseudo job offers. Then I know that the people that I actually work with can vet for the job that I'm doing, instead old jealous people who can't take their head out of their ass long enough to know what's going on. Okay, that was mean. And I don't really mean it. Part of me wishes that people could just like me. I seem to have those certain set of people who just do not like me. What gives? I hate if it trickles on to people who matter - but I feel like that hopefully the truth would come through in the end, or those people who do matter, know what's up. *sigh.. oh well.

Anyways.. I'll stop whining now. I'm so gonna fall asleep in that theatre tomorrow. Or if I'm lucky on the drive the way there :P (kidding.)

2008-09-09T10:25:00.000-07:00

blog. i've missed you. i'm sorry i've neglected you. i think about you all the time. i always think to myself "i'm gonna blog about this" i'm sorry that i don't. i'll try to do better in the future. it's not you, it's me.

here's what i want to give to you this morning:

inappropriate conversations from work:
me: (bringing extra coffee to jen) here jen, you can double fist is
jen: you shouldn't say that to a lesbian.

mikeT: i heard the grossest that's what she said joke the other day
me: what is it?
mikeT: well, i had this cut on my lip and i said "man, this thing just won't stop bleeding!"
everyone: .... ew.
(although that's a pretty good one...)

and here's an older one i meant to post but didn't. it's still excellent:

crackerman: OoOoO
Jean: ?
crackerman: its the olympic rings! duh
Jean: hahaha you should have sent me 2 ims then
crackerman: heh
crackerman: O O O
crackerman: O O
crackerman: damnit
Jean: FAIL
crackerman: it like autocorrected my spaces!
crackerman: not my fault!
crackerman: .-=-. .-=-. .-=-.
/ \ / \ / \
| | | |
\ ./. ./. /
'-' '\-/' '\=-'
| | |
\ / \ /
'-=-' '-=-'
crackerman: man, fail again.
crackerman: i give up
Jean: hahahahah
Jean: a for effort
crackerman: thanks

ps. my sister just joined facebook. it's overtaking the freaking world.

2008-08-06T10:39:00.000-07:00

Jean: http://www.skingcompany.com/detail.asp?product_ID=RPDF168
duckee: wtf
duckee: hahahaha
duckee: want.
Jean: i know
Jean: best road trip ever.
duckee: 5 foot cords? haha how is that even necessary
Jean: in like rv's?
duckee: ah
duckee: but they have normal plugs
Jean: oh right.
Jean: suv's then
Jean: like the big ones.
Jean: or stretch limos?
duckee: lol
duckee: yeah
duckee: stretch limos
duckee: that makes sense
Jean: yup.. on your way to prom, drink some champagne, have a panini
duckee: best. prom. ever.

jmig: omg
Jean: ?
jmig: did we talk last night
jmig: or did i leave a vm again?
Jean: haha
Jean: we talked.
jmig: ok
jmig: i thought so

2008-08-05T03:09:00.000-07:00

it's late and i really should be sleeping.. but i figured since i'm up and did a little bit of work stuff.. i'm gonna check my other email, chat with my friends and check facebook. BAD IDEA. facebook is the devil and it really just sucks.you.in.

anyways.. i've wanted to blog for awhile, but just hadn't had the chance to. here i am! i'm a little bummed. my sister is going to the olympics with her new fam (jakester and b!) and my mom is gonna get to go too. (and this is after they already when to prague this summer!!) they were trying to convince my dad to go - and i think he totally should because he deserves a good vacation - but he's not really that wild about the olympics (or sports in general) and thinks it's too taxing, too crowded and not really his idea of restful. which i get. he also might not want to go to china. haha.. he's a purist like that. BUT.. when i found out there was a possibility of everyone but me going.. i got really sad.. and to make matters worse.. here's my boss:

me: my whole family's going to the olympics
jen & scott: that's awesome!
jen: you should go! oh.... you can't go..
scott: yea... guess who's getting a pin?!
me: [death glare]

if you don't know .. i LOVE the olympics... i mean love. i don't know if it's the spirit, the athleticism, the camaraderie, the competition or even the theme song. (i heart you john williams) but i get all tingly about the olympics. my sister is going to get to go, probably do some pretty neato vip things, and be at the olympics. man. i mean.. i guess i can't really complain - i've been to the us open, and other big things, and this year, gary hall jr. didn't even qualify so he won't be there - so i guess it's not my time. but still.

i saw the mummy 3 tonight. god was that movie awful. and i like some bad movies. sometimes i think i'm more sensitive to stuff that has to do with chinese/asian/minority cultures. but it wasn't bad on that front as much as just bad overall. i have a special soft spot in my heart for rob cohen, so it was enjoyable (especially since i had low expectations). i could get into it.. and there were moments where i was really caught up in the "action". and then some really awful plot/script line would pull me out of it. my favorite is when one of the chinese actresses just starts screaming in english - when she was primarily speaking chinese the whole time. w.t.f. bad idea, rob cohen. but that's just a real minor concern i'm sure. it's making money, so that's the bottom line. i paid money for it, and the theatre was decently filled. so.. yay? i still can't believe r&h got first in the credits before dd. mothereffers.

one last funny anecdote. i saw the sandman today. nicole's all excited about it. she gave me all sorts of suggestions of what to say to him. asked me how he smells :P i think she just secretly wants me to get fired so she doesn't have to be all jealous that i breathe same air as shank.man. or maybe that i'm like one circle away from mr. dreamy hs musical. hah. anyhoo.. i was sitting at my desk late at night and i hear this knock on the window and i'm like "uhhh.." and i was about to ignore the knock and then i was like "someone could be locked out." so i walk over to the window, but i can't see cuz it's dark outside and the lights are on inside. so i have to get really close to the glass, like put my face up against the window close. and this guy outside is like "it's adam" and i was about to be like "adam who?" and then i realized it was the main dude in the show. oops. HAH. i let him in an now he forever owes me. riiight. i'm sure he's already forgotten about it. although when i went to go say good night he did look a little more friendly, as opposed to when i said hi the first time he kind of gave me the "who are you and why are you talking to me" look. but i'm also probably overanalyzing cuz that's what i do. it's fun. try it sometime.

2008-07-28T03:20:00.000-07:00

downside to sleeping all day because i was so FUCKING exhausted is that now i'm staying up late and 8am when i have to wake up for work is now only a few hours away. i wasn't tired at midnight - but now i am and am just being stupid for staying up. but i miss my blog - so i thought i'd write a quick hello. i am finally getting around to doing a few frivolous things like chatting with the roommate, posting pictures (yea.. i FINALLY posted my last day @ DD pictures.. yea.. from more than a month ago. i suck) and a few other things. since i'm uploading pictures .. i thought this would be a good time to blog.

i have this unhealthy love for las vegas. i know it's bad for me, but i want it. all the time. okay, maybe not all the time. but i do enjoy it. it allows me to exploit all my bad habits, but makes them seem like the norm - wasting money, drinking, eating lots - which is probably why it's called the sin city. there are tons of bad habits which i have picked up from my father, and he has a pretty unhealthy love (moreso than i) for vegas too. which is why i thought it was obvious that for his 60th birthday - that's where we were going. he tried to be a butthead and cancel it a few times because he was worried i wouldn't have any money with this new job of mine - but i'm stubborn like that and proceeded anyways. i guess that's what people do - say they don't want something for you.. that's the nice side of people. anyways.

this was the view from my bed. i booked a room at the jockey club (my new favorite hotel in vegas) that was a suite, so we had a kitchen and a living room, and there were two beds in the bedroom. i could see the bellagio fountains from my bed, i felt so baller. it was kind of crappy cuz they were doing so much construction around the area - but the room was great and the price was great, and i didn't have to share a bed. awesome.

for dinner i took my dad to smith & wollenskys. my meal wasn't great - only because i ordered the poorly - but everything there was pretty fucking fantastic. i had to emphasize that with a curse word, i'm sorry, but that's how amazing it was. they were out of prime rib (which is what i originally wanted) and instead got filet mignon with this bernaise sauce ALL OVER IT.. and that was a little much for me.

but from their bread, to their salad, to my dad's 3lb lobster, to there mac n' cheese (BEST.EVER.), to their birthday dessert - everything was so good. i am drooling just thinking about it and want to go to vegas right now solely to have some mac n cheese. yikes.

after playing blackjack at the bellagio until late friday night, my dad and i headed to this locals casino that they found last time that my sister's friend took us too. he wanted to stay there, and i'm glad we didn't because although it was nice, but it was far from the strip and i like being where the action is :P my favorite was the penny slots that i played, and normally i HATE slot machines because they just eat my money like no other. but this one had two bonus reels where it'd multiplied your winnings. i was also very tired and not really feeling like thinking while playing blackjack, so i sat and pulled a lever.

it made really dramatic sounds and flashed lights and got me all excited. and then i realized i was getting excited for 250 credits. which sound like a lot, until you remember that i'm playing slot machines and that's $2.50. although i did score a few pretty big scores and got $84 once (that was my high). and that made me excited. although there was another machine i walked away from where the lady won $400 or so, and then another time where i only had one bonus reel in action, and had i had both i would have won $390 instead of just $39. boo. oh well. that was pretty much the favorite.

had sunday brunch at the mandalay bay which is pretty amazing. the waitress also came by with champagne and so i spent some more time drinking - i'm shocked my dad didn't comment and he's the one who ordered it. i think he kind of enjoyed it :P my dad paid for the brunch to "thank me" for the weekend. aww.. my dad is so cute. it was an entire weekend of eating, drinking and gambling. best weekend ever. :P although it was followed by the hellish 5ish hour drive back (most of which i slept though.. sorry daddy) and then came back and went to my dad's favorite chinese place here.

happy 60th birthday daddy!

2008-07-10T03:41:00.000-07:00

when did being an "adult" get so expensive? not that i'm an adult at all, but i'm trying to "adultify" myself. well at least by look of my stuff. i like a clean chic modern style. i bought new nice bed sheets and a duvet cover. and i ordered prints to decorate my apartment so it's not just bare walls and my talking homer simpson clock. i probably spent about $150 or so buying the prints, and then i still have to buy the frames. man... wanting pretty things is expensive

you know also comes with "adult"hood? work. and that BLOWS. this is my 4th week on the job and everyday this week i've left at 1am. oh wait, today i left at 2am. like whoa. i'm not complaining, i'm just saying - when did my life become like this, and why, and is it always going to be this way? and when did all my friends start being workaholics too? here are some good "job" conversations

duckee: i'm in trouble.
Jean: ?
duckee: i'm in "i'm here too much" trouble.
duckee: and i can't leave this place like this
duckee: it looks like dd just fucking puked on my desk
duckee: AGAIN
Jean: hahahahah
Jean: yea.
Jean: i look like that sometimes.
duckee: i wanna shoot myself
Jean: ooh ooh
Jean: shoot me first
duckee: except i'm not the problem, so i wanna shoot other people
Jean: meeeeee.
duckee: hahahah

justjohn: you at work?
Jean: yes
justjohn: me too
justjohn: sucks
Jean: i was here until 1am yesterday.. and i'll probably be here for the next 2 days
Jean: i've turned into you.
justjohn: it sucks so bad doesn't it

duckee: so are you living there now?
duckee: did you bring you sleeping bag and your hello kitty pillow?

Jean: are you really still at work too?
luvr: I'm leaving in a sec
Jean: oh.. well that's no fun
luvr: Are you at work?
Jean Huang: yes.
luvr: I wish I were saving children, because I'd have saved a lot of them by now. Instead I am re-writing re-writes of scripts

oh.. and then there's my dad:

dad: are you still at work?
me: yes
dad: poor jean. you're stupid, i told you not to do this job. you get paid less, you don't get over time, you have no holidays or vacation or sick days, and you won't have a job in five months.
me: yea, i know
dad: although, if you lost some weight because of this job, then that would make it worth it

umm.. thanks dad.

:)

2008-07-07T02:07:00.000-07:00

it was fun while it lasted...

i canceled my gap card today.. i really only signed up for it because i think i purchased a ton of stuff and wanted the discount (it might have actually been a year ago, shopping on the 3rd street promenade with courtney on 4th of july.) i really don't use it that much, and have saved a little bit here and there, but i apparently forgot to pay a bill in june (what? weird?) and then got $50+ of late fees. i got $25 (on month late fee) waived, but still had that extra fee and it just seemed like too much hassle for a card i didn't even use that much. plus.. i really shouldn't be buying more clothes anyways. it's kind of lame for a few reasons, because i'm sure i totally could have prevented it - like.. getting the bills sent to my apt instead of my parents' house. or when my dad told me about it on saturday, i could have checked it today before 5, not gotten the second $25 late fee (yea.. the due date was today), and got the previous waived, because they can only do one. right. my dad also told me he took care of it and paid it - although i think by "took care of it" means he sent out a check - which doesn't help me with the late fee business... either way.. i should have less cards. less things. i should simplify my life... (too bad i spend $117 on sheets and a duvet cover today. oops.)

i can't quite bring myself to cut up my gap card. it's so pretty. i have a hard time letting go. which is applicable to so many things in my life.

.....

so i'm kind of having a problem with people lately. more than usual. i was really content to spending a lot of time by myself. but then the "i can't say no when people ask me" side of me conflicts with that. anyways. a note to you. i am having issues with people being super judgmental. and/or hypocritical. or putting me down (or being hypocritical) in order to make themselves look better. number three may be tied to number one, but they could also be different. sure.. you're thinking to yourself, why would people do these things? these seem like awful traits. but sure enough, people do this. i can't say that i don't do these things, i try not to, and i think i do an okay job at it. but i've been noticing this kind of stuff lately EVERYWHERE. it's an.noy.ing. or maybe people just lie to themselves, so they think what they're saying is the truth. but as of late, i've been a little less patient with it. and it sucks, because it happens at work too. anyways.. there were a few instances where stuff happened, and i was just like "what? why? why do you say things like that?" and it's kind of becoming a little bit of a BIG problem. i honestly think that if you don't have anything to prove, you really don't have to go out of your way to try that hard to tell people how awesome you are. the unfortunate down side of it is that then other people will steam roll right over you. bleh.

.....

speaking of steamrolling - i've also been observing people when they get into "relationships." i say that with quotes because it doesn't even have to be official girlfriend/boyfriend type status. but just in relationship with someone else that ends up changing who you are, what you do, and how you act. it S.U.C.K.S. and to a certain degree, i kind of understand it - if it doesn't really affect you, but then to another degree, it makes me ill. i could be all bitter from topic written about above, but people like that - make me NEVER want to be in a relationship - unless i find that "one" - but that's really slim to none.. so... the future looks pretty bleek, people. shit, when did i become such a pessimist? i know i have to try harder, and compromise, and i feel like i have to put more effort when trying to find that "better half".. but i don't think i have it in me to do it. weird.

.....

nerdiness: ben's got me slightly excited because my computer is having a little woe. one of my slots that measures my ram is busted and doesn't read (which sucks because then i spent $90 on ram i don't really need and could have just spent $45) but anyways. he said that apple might just end up giving me a new computer because the computer's sold old, it might just be simpler to give me something new than fix this. but i don't want to get my hopes up, cuz i just realized my sister's harddrive crashed a few months ago, and they just fixed that up. but it also might be differing parts - but i can't believe they'd just hand me a new computer?! yikes.

another nerdy thing that's gotten me all excited...

look! in the calculator function, you flip it to the side and becomes a scientific calculator. OOH!! this is the function that most excited me when flipping through the new things that the iphone comes with. i know.. that makes me uber nerdy. but everything else is kind of just "better" technology. this is "special." i'm still waffling a little bit on the iphone only because i don't want to switch from verizon and their new plans are ex.pen.sive. i'm not sure if i want to pay $90 for my cell phone bill - even if it means i'll always have a map with me at all times. hmm.. i'm gonna have to think.

.....

i should probably head to bed soon.. i just wanted to why, cry, blog for a little bit. but this is bad. maybe i'd be less grump if i got more sleep.

2008-06-24T01:35:00.000-07:00

Lessons in How to Make Friends at Work.

This is especially important when you're the new kid at school and no one's really talking to you. That's an exaggeration because people are talking to me, it's just hard because of the circumstances, which is fine, because I could get to know them slowly, but I just wanted to speed up the process a little.

Food, and especially sweets, I find, are the easiest way to make friends. Granted this is not the reason why I made them, but it doesn't hurt. I've been wanting to do it for awhile ever since I saw this post on bakerella's blogspot. I didn't have the supplies, and when I did, I didn't have the time. I finally just did it. I was aiming for having them at a dinner party, but I never factor in "cooling" and so it didn't really get them done in time. They're not quite as pretty as bakerella's and I'm not quite sure how to ever make them that pretty. But they tasted pretty awesome and I got lots of compliments on them. Yay. And while I didn't really make any life long friends, people were a bit nicer to me at work. It's a good way to start off demonstrating that you're nice too and not just "mean work jean". Either way, it was a fun project and I needed to take them to work and pass them out so I didn't eat them all while sitting on the couch crying over the Bachelorette (did anyone see that shiz?!) or my life or whatever.

So that was my first and maybe last (for awhile) attempt at cake pops. They're kind of a little bit more labor intensive than anything else, and I'm becoming increasingly lazy/busy. Although I do have leftover popsicle sticks left over. Maybe I'll try regular chocolate cake. It's not as moist (*moist*) since red velvet is generally liquidier and maybe that will make it a tad easier. But damn is candy coating messy!

One more note for tonight - a 3 people from my old jobby got invited to join the Academy! Or should I say "THE" Academy. I know that there are tons of people in the academy, and a few people I know already are, but it's still an honor no matter what. And strange to think that I "know" people in THE Academy. haha. But they really are the shiznits. They're so money and they don't even know it. Okay, some of them know it, but they're pretty effing awesome all the same. Jet Li's also on that list - man.. what if I had gotten that job as his assistant? And Jason Reitman. What if I had talked to him that one time I scorekept his hockey game about work and job stuff? Right before he hit it...bigtime. Whoa. I seem so "LA" HAH. Not that it makes a big difference whether they're in THE Academy or not because they're already kind of a big deal, but it's just interesting to think about since this is the year they got invited. Regardless, congrats to Kelly Port, Doug Roble and Otay!!! Whoa, snazzy.. they have their own Variety profiles if you click on their names. Money.

2008-06-23T03:14:00.000-07:00

OOH OOH OOH... lookee what I found. There's a few people here that I would want to send this to, well, really, one in particular, but I would never. I don't have those kind of balls, but I bet Dorina would tell me if I did that would make me awesome. HAH.

Honestly, I might not agree, but I like it regardless, it's funny.

2008-06-23T02:20:00.000-07:00

Guess who's not sleeping?! ME. boo. I really should be sleeping because I need to be at the top of my A game, but I like staying up and having fun on the internets. Especially now that I have to actually work work, and don't have much time for stalking people - err.. I mean, cruising the internet during the day, it leaves me no other choice than to do it late at night. Oops.

I survived my first "real" week at new job. Actually, technically my first "real" week is this week, because the first 3 days of this past week didn't really count. Last Friday, I left work at 9:30pm and was too pooped to do anything, so I watched Girl Next Door with the roommate(s). (Yea, I said it.) I wonder if this Friday and weekend I will just be so plain damn exhausted. I'm going to have to get used to real work again, and then some. I remember when I would rack up the hours when I worked on Pirates, or the 90 hour work week I put in before the Halloween party, or the crazy stuff I did before SIGGRAPH - and yet it never quite tired me out like this. Okay, maybe it did and I just can't remember, so in a year or two, I'll be like "yea.. that was a piece of cake." There was a little bit of drama in the workplace, and I had a few silent mental crises, but it might turn out okay. One thing I'm going to have to change (effective now... did you notice?!) Is that I'm going to have to stop typing in all lower case. I mean, I'm fully capable of typing properly, but I would do the all lower case because I thought it was "cute." In chats, or non-important emails. But now that I take notes ALL the time, I sometimes slip into the "quick" habit of all lower case format, and then it's a huge pain in the ass to go back and edit. So I'm trying to be efficient.

I went to a "dinner party" (not the "adult" version because it was a potluck and we mostly stood around a counter and ate off paper plates, but that's okay) and towards the end of the night the conversation veered towards boys/relationships/dating etc. I'm a pretty non-girly person, sometimes. Among some of my friends, I'm the ridiculous girly silly one. Among other of my friends, I'm the weird cold one. I think that's strange that I can be so, varied. I was definitely a little bit of a whiney mess on Friday (I'm going to attribute it to my tiredness.) And it was a little out of character for my friend who had to deal with it that never encountered it before. It was amusing to listen to said friend react. And also put me in my place because I felt like a RetardFace for being that way. Tonight's conversation helped reinforce just how "crazy" girls are. Some of them REALLY are, and I don't get it because I'm so not crazy like that, yet I'm in the same pool as they are, or maybe even worse. (And by worse, I simply mean not going on any dates at all.) I'm not sure where I stand on this whole dating thing. While I'm not all crazy about it, I would like someone who "get me" as Angelee likes to put it. That's not such a bad thing. There is something to be said for such companionship. Finding that person is hard and it's weird because I also don't really try that hard, so what am I complaining about. Who knows. Maybe because I feel like I "try", but I'm really not, or I feel like I shouldn't have to, but I'm not really better than that. Who knows, I don't, and at this point, I'm just rambling so I'll stop now.

Here's a fun story for you.

A week or two ago, I met this guy in the grocery store. In an very unlike me way, I made eye contact, smiled, and GBboy responded well. Good job. We chatted, I ended up giving him my number (I told you, SO not me.) and we said we'd do coffee the next day because we found out we worked down the street from each other. We called and texted and ended meeting up, and I found out that this is not the person for me. Not because he was a bad person, but just because we are at different places in our lives and where he is in his life, is so not anywhere I can be. He may have sensed that I wasn't into it, or maybe he wasn't, but GBboy mentioned I should call him later, and I may have said yes or no, I can't remember, but bottom line is, if he was interested, he should done something about it. Which he didn't, and I was perfectly fine with. I texted him later, because I have some weird issue about maintaining relationships, or I felt sorry for him and thought he might need a friend, or I was just trying to "practice" or I secretly wanted his attention because I wasn't getting it. Who knows, I could have deep issues. And then on a drunken party night, I called him when I got home at 2:30am. Nothing good happens after 2am I was bored and tipsy and I do stupid thing when I get bored. I woke him up and he was all about talking to me, even though I insisted he should go back to sleep. (Oh and this was after I texted him asking what he was up to that night and I got the reply "parting!!!!" <-- no I did not spell that wrong.) Obviously if I'm calling at 2:30am, my intentions of wanting to hang out are kind of clear, but he was in BFE. He said I should go meet him up there, to which my reply was "Hell No." And then he asked if he got all his stuff together and drove down here, if I would be awake and I said "Nope, I'll be sleeping." GBboy kept trying to get me to go there to BFE and get him, and even pulled out some "My mother is sick in Venice and needs a kidney. Can you come get me so that I can give her my kidney?" And when I said no, he tells me "It'll be your fault when my mom dies." and then later on "So, you saw right through my lie, huh?" Umm.. no, shit. What?! Who does/says things like that. Or really, who says things like that and expects someone to fall for them. He asked if we could hang out the next day, and I think I may have said yes, but before a certain time (hey, I'm a busy girl) and yet he still didn't call. Failure to follow through. But I'm okay, because I was planning on avoiding the call anyways. But really?! Is this what people who are actively trying to find a soul mate deal with? Cuz this is TERRIBLE. Needlessly to say I am DONE with GBboy. Drunk, bored, or whatever. Today when I was at the store, I was kind of scanning the area though. I hope I don't have to find a new grocery store, but I won't. Because this whole thing is amusing to me.

Okay - that was my story for today. I'll leave you with one more excerpt.

ben: oh man. im watching the last episode of dawson's creek
ben: tear!
Jean: haha
Jean: yea.. that shit is terrible
Jean: the ending sucked
ben: youre ridiculous
ben: pacey + joey ftw!
Jean: LAME
Jean: nicole said she watched it yesterday at 2am
Jean: and cried
Jean: you guys are gay
ben: ive already teared up a bit
ben: when jack finds out jen is gonna die
ben: so sad!
Jean: so gay!
ben: yeh whatever
ben: you have a cold heart

Nicole cried for A HALF HOUR over this same episode, and when I told her she was lame, she also told me I have no heart. I'm never going to find someone. Haha.

"When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True Story."

2008-06-19T08:24:00.000-07:00

argument #184 for why i need an iphone. today i totally lamented about needing to come into work at early o'clock today. but i was kind of okay with it because i was stoked to be "doing something" after the past few months of being a little slow, and then past 3 days of being by myself in the office - i kind of sort of want to be not lazy. well.. i guess productive, so i can feel accomplished.

i've been having trouble sleeping lately. like i'll just wake up really early and panicked, only to find out it's way early. the other day i woke up in the middle of the night feeling really parched and panicked (flashback to the babysitter's club where stacey found out she had diabetes and kept dreaming she was a plant) and thought i was late to work until it took me a few seconds to realize it was still dark outside. and then woke up again about an hour too early. luckily i'm really good at going back to sleep, unfortunately for me, too good - sometimes i end up sleeping way longer than i should have. today i woke up at 6:10am when i set my alarm for 6:30. meh. i showered, got ready. and while it's nice waking up a little early so i can take my time and not feel rushed (especially with my gimpy self), waking up in the morning has never been my strong point. i take some time to eat breakfast and that makes me a tad later than "responsible jean" was planning for. but "hungry jean" tried to tell "responsible jean" that breakfast was necessary so you weren't thinking about how hungry you were all day when you're trying to work.

i come in the office a few minutes before i'm supposed to get here. and no one's here. beth put the idea in my head and asked if there was any hazing going on, and there has been none - at least in the traditional outright blatant form. i thought.. hmm. maybe this is their way of hazing... maybe they do calls in editorial, and no one told me. and my computer finally decides to work and tells me that the new plan is to come in at 8:30 instead to prep for the 9am call. uGH. this email went out at 9:30pm at night - and while i wasn't asleep, i had stopped checking mail. IF i had an iphone, this would not have been a problem. oh july 11th - hurry up and come soon.

it's 8:35 and still no one is here. *sigh.. oh well. at least i look like i care right? positive attitude is everything. keep that in mind.

i'm glad that "hungry jean" won out this morning or else i would be really upset.