It's 2016!

Oh hello!  It's 2016, I have been terrible at updating the blog.  Instagram is just so much quicker and easier.  And sometimes, there isn't much to say.  Or sometimes it's too hard to really write it out.  But I thought it was time for an update.

2 years have gone by, things have changed, but things are the same.  Post New York: have been back in LA.  Went to New Zealand and Australia for the first time.  Then also was able to live and work in Oakland for 8 months.  It was a great experience, I probably didn't take as full advantage of it as I could have, because I was working too much... story of my life.  Maybe I need a new story!  But got to work on a pretty amazing movie (although didn't do "well") and watch a real director work and work with a really great team.  Due to some circumstances I made the choice to not work with that team again, and sometimes that seems like the wrong choice.  But sometimes it doesn't.  Hopefully you figure out what life choices make sense sooner rather than later.  Went to Alaska for the first time, that was UH-MAZING.  I am not a fan of the rain or the cold.  And it is cold and rains in Alaska like 90% of the year... and I was convinced I'd totally move to Alaska and love to work at the sled dog camp.  After living on top of the mountain for a week, I might change my mind, but seems really amazing.

Now working on a fairly big movie, which can be fun, but also can be extremely challenging.  Hopefully I will learn a lot to carry on in the future, or at least survive this job.  And hopefully people like this movie.  I really think that I'm cursed that every movie I work on is supposed to be "great", but never really does well.  Boo urns.  But there is still some hope?  Question mark question mark.

Hope?  That's another story for another day.

i'm not okay.  but thanks for asking.  i'm trying to be okay and working on it.  starting with cleaning my room, which leads to procrastinating, and coming back to this blog.  i did some pretty cool shit this summer, so maybe you'll hear about it.

my moment of glory

Reader's Digest version for 2013 so far - I'm in New York.  Crazy times right?  I have always wanted to live in NYC, and I have always wanted to work on this particular type of project from start to finish, and boom - in 2013, both happened at the same time.  Ultimately I am lucky.  I was freezing my ass off and homesick as fuck in January and February, but I am lucky.

More stories or pictures to come (maybe) - but fast forward to last night.  To the momentous occasion.

I'm walking around the West Village (hey! I'm getting the location lingo down...) on a Saturday night and there are playing cards littered on the sidewalk.  My friend says "What card do you think that one is?"  I take a moment to think, mull over some options and choose Ace of Hearts.  He picks the 2 of Clubs, which coincidentally was my other choice, and we try to figure out some sort of prize should someone win, and that it's a draw when we both ultimately lose.  He uses his shoe to flip over the card - and BOOM, Ace of Hearts.  I look so money I can't even stand it.  I should bought a lottery ticket right at that moment - but glory is pretty priceless, so I'll go with that.

shit my dad does

My dad is a gem.  He has a great sense of belief/disbelief and humor.  He says all sorts of silly things like "I am the best driver, if Diana was in my car she wouldn't have died."  Or he likes to say "no problemdo" like he's the best at spanish.  My dad also does really terrible things and we have our moments - but since he's my father, you have to love and live and learn how to deal with things.  Without that - you wouldn't get absolute awesome things like this.

At some point (not Movember) - my dad decided to grow facial hair.  In general, I'm mostly not a fan of facial.  Especially on my dad, I sort of hate it.  My mom and I teased him mercilessly about it, or about how he looked like a bum.  One day he and my mom went shopping and my dad said that he is more handsome than Brad Pitt.  Seriously, who says things like that?  Yup, my dad.

facelift

for months - actually, maybe years, - i have been threatening to blog more.  for one reason or another it hasn't happened, and i can't really promise that i'll be super good at it again, but like always, i'll try.  i think that a little re-design and update will help because maybe i will feel like i can be a little more creative.  i have a twitter, i have a tumblr and i post lots of things there, but nothing quite like writing about yourself and the actual thoughts you have about the things you think rather than the random picture post through instagram.  (though i do love me some instagram right now.)  it still floors me that i've had this blog for over 10 years.  there is a lot of me in this page.  if people who just meet me now find this, there is a lot you might learn - it's kind of weird, and a little scary, but oddly nice to have the memories.  hey 2001 me.

what's new with 2012 me?  hmm.  i'm better than i was in that last post - so that's good news.  i am still trying to figure a lot of life things out, but i've learned a little bit since last year, but it's still hard.  life can be tough, and trying to get through it without too many tears or gaining too much eating my feelings weight.

life can also be fun, and even though there is bad, there is a lot of good.  i've had a lot of good times in the past few days/months/years that i haven't been blogging.  a lot of smiles, a lot of friends, tons of food and desserts, music, deserts, photos, sightseeing, movie nights, dinners, hanging out at home, video games, board games, long chats, jousting knights, mickey mouse, karaoke, birthdays... and then soon to come - weddings and babies! (not me... not yet.)  i'm still hoping the good outweighs the bad.

i turned 30 and that was fun.  i don't have these big anxieties about all the things i'm supposed to be doing or how i'm so old because i still feel plenty young.  but there are lot of things that i do want to do, so hopefully i have the smarts, money, determination and willingness to do them.

i recently worked on a film, you might have heard of it: PROMETHEUS.  not being a huge sci-fi nerd, or even having seen the first Alien film (yes, i know i know), it wasn't a pee my pants omg i'm in the same room as Ridley Scott experience for me, but i am really glad i got to be a part of the process and hope that people really enjoy the film. 

i got LASIK!  having worn glasses since the 2nd grade, it's weird to just be able to see all the time.  it's just sort of like i'm wearing contact lenses non-stop.  i don't think it's quite sunk in yet, but there are times i do realize that it's a nice added bonus i don't have to stop something because i can't see.  it was a little painful, but nothing you can't handle, and definitely worth the next few decades (knock on wood) of just being able to see.  i went to NVISION in torrance and it was definitely a good experience - it was like the disneyland of laser eye centers.  everyone was smiling and welcoming and liked to smile and greet me.  it was kind of weird, but comforting.

i say "i think" and "i hope" a lot (and a lot in this blog) - and i think that is me right now.  i have a lot of hope for what will be.  there are the moments where there is doubt, and being down, and i'm grateful for the moments that pull me out of that.  hoping for some traveling, hoping for some figuring some life stuff out, hoping to lose a few pounds, hoping to reconnect with friends, hoping for love and happiness.

definitely - here's hoping.

maybe now i will blog more.

things have not been going well. some better than others, but combined, not great. when things don't go well, i always tend to blame myself. i know that this is not healthy, but it's asian guilt, feeling responsible for everything, or just thinking you can fix everything, or at least should be able to.

to be honest, lately, i have not been my very best self. sometimes lazy, sometimes selfish, very often messy and uncaring to the details, and unmotivated to do things. and i wonder, is this what causes things to go wrong? because that light inside of me didn't really come through, all the things that should be good become bad.

you want to question all the things you should have done, wanted to do, didn't get to do. i try not to, because you can't change the past, so it doesn't help to dwell. i guess the only and best thing to do is learn and try to do better in the future. but i can tell you right now that it doesn't seem fair. i guess that's how you always feel when something doesn't work out in your favor either.

but there are worse things out there in the world, so overall, i am lucky.

ps. this was supposed to be a great month, my favorite month, but so far been pretty not so great. here's hoping it picks up. to aid that process, i might go watch harold and kumar, maybe that will start it off.

i am bad at social networking

i was going to title this one "i am terrible at social networking" - but the previous post (from 2 months ago) is "i am terrible" and i didn't want to be that self defeating.

a few weeks ago (i just realized this) was my blog's 10th anniversary. what? i have had this blog for 10 years? that seems crazy. probably mostly because i stopped blogging a long time ago. i think myspace was the beginning of the demise of me blogging. there was a blog on that site and i would blog here, blog there, and would get confused on where i should post stuff. and then with all the social networks EVERYONE was on the internets, and i think i stopped wanting to share so much of my life and started to just post pictures. but i've gone through so many sites, and more and more, there are even more places to whore yourself on the internet: facebook, twitter, tumblr, blogspot, pinterest, google+, spotify, linkedin, instagram... seriously - who can keep up with all this? yet, I can't quite let it go. you always want the new thing, and to be part of it so you don't miss out. and then you expect people to know about your life because you posted it on the internet! but you have some friends here, and some friends there, and some friends not anywhere - and it's just all too exhausting.

ADDITIONALLY - i feel like it's now just become a place to be the most interesting, or have the coolest thing, or write about news so that people will follow you. my social networking isn't really about my opinions on popular subjects, or showcasing trendy things, but just about myself - and while you may care (hi the 3 people who read this blog, which includes my dad i've recently learned as he quoted my blog to me), the majority of the internets (aka strangers) don't. and not that i really care because am i really going to ever be an internet superstar (no.) but it might be a boring subject matter for those who do care and know you IRL (see.. i can get this internet lingo down - although i just had to google "smh" - when did that one happen??) mostly because the lack of response. people probably care, but if they don't tell you, how are you supposed to know? comments, "likes", re-posts.. it's all a form of self validation, and yes, everyone needs it. even you, you're lying to yourself if you say you don't. yes, you want to express yourself, and you're doing it for yourself, but you also want people to appreciate what you're putting out there. and i go back and forth about what to put out there, when, and when i do, how much i care about that reciprocation.

however, with that said, it seems like a crapshoot. i think i may be too far gone at this point to make a comeback on the internets. so i just ramble on, maybe make a little bit more of a concerted effort and just post for me, care a little less about if you read it, liked it or not, and maybe one day i'll figure it all out. until then, i congratulate those of you who can get through my wordy ramblings and still love me (and let me know it!)

xxoo.