so, despite the fact that i'm pretty broke nowadays, i went shopping on sunday. it was a total accidental shopping trip, and i didn't really buy anything i "need". i went to lunch with the fam @ hometown buffet (mmm...) and my mom wanted to go to macy's to check a few things out. i did pretty well, except when we were leaving i saw a dress (the turquoise one) and thought it was way cute. and then that transitioned into a few hours of looking at dresses and clothes. sweet. so, despite the fact that i'm pretty broke nowadays, i went shopping on sunday. it was a total accidental shopping trip, and i didn't really buy anything i "need". i went to lunch with the fam @ hometown buffet (mmm...) and my mom wanted to go to macy's to check a few things out. i did pretty well, except when we were leaving i saw a dress (the turquoise one) and thought it was way cute. and then that transitioned into a few hours of looking at dresses and clothes. sweet. a few hours later i walked out of macy's with 3 dresses, a jacket, a hoodie and 2 necklaces. the lady who rung me up asked me if i was an only child (because my mom was paying for the stuff on her macy's card so we could get an extra 20% off) and if i was going to prom. haha. that's the second time that week that someone thought i was 18. don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
so, despite the fact that i'm pretty broke nowadays, i went shopping on sunday. it was a total accidental shopping trip, and i didn't really buy anything i "need". i went to lunch with the fam @ hometown buffet (mmm...) and my mom wanted to go to macy's to check a few things out. i did pretty well, except when we were leaving i saw a dress (the turquoise one) and thought it was way cute. and then that transitioned into a few hours of looking at dresses and clothes. sweet. a few hours later i walked out of macy's with 3 dresses, a jacket, a hoodie and 2 necklaces. the lady who rung me up asked me if i was an only child (because my mom was paying for the stuff on her macy's card so we could get an extra 20% off) and if i was going to prom. haha. that's the second time that week that someone thought i was 18. don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

then i went to target because there was a few things i needed. another hour or so later, i end up with some more stuff, including 2 pairs of shoes and a purse. to be fair, this purse i had been coveting for awhile, and now it was on clearance. i almost bought another purse that was new and full price, but i figured i should probably wait.

i've been slowly breaking out the new items. i have this weird rule about only wearing 1 new item at a time.. like to spread out the newness. although that only applies to things i can wear to work. i'm pretty sure if i wore any of those dresses to work, people would think i was crazy. and.. as a segue, i have NO where special to wear these dresses. i don't need them or anything, but like to have them just in case. there are 2 weddings that i think i'm invited to, but those aren't until the fall or the winter. so... if you have any special events you need a date to... call me up!

lately, people have been on the frustrating side of the scale. my patience and tolerance is limited these days, and while i never really say anything, i just kind of nod and smile and try to find the quickest way to exit the conversation. i'm not really a fighter (nor am i a lover.. so where does that leave me? har har..) only because it's usually pointless to argue with people because they don't listen, so it's a waste of time. if i'm arguing with you, feel privileged, because that means i think you're actually sensible enough to try to reason with.

on top of normal people - there's customer service people. sometimes.. they are the worst. i've been coveting these banana shoes for awhile, and during a third street stroll yesterday, i remembered that i really wanted them. and! i was hoping that they were further reduced. they didn't have them in the store on the promenade, so i came back and checked online, and they were cheaper than before! score! i called a few stores to try and find them, and had to put them on hold at two different places. i called the century city store (ironically, where i first saw them) and it was the worst customer service experience i've had in awhile. i called, and this lady put me on hold foorevvveerrr. and then this dude picks up.

me: do you have the alisha open toe rouched mid-heel sling back in smoke?
BRguy: (kind of confused) umm. okay.... do you have a style number?
me: no i'm looking at your website, and you guys don't list style numbers
BRguy: ok...
(a minute later)
BRguy: so i only have it in gold
me: it doesn't come in gold, only smoke and silver
BRguy: it's a thong sandal right?
me: no. it's an OPEN TOE shoe that has a half heel. it's kind of gathered in the front. only comes in smoke and silver.
BRguy: the elisa right? that's what i have in front of me..
me: no. the A-li-SHa - a-l-i-s-h-a
BRguy: but it's not a sandal?
me: no. it's a heel.
BRguy: i don't think we carry that in our store
me: but i've seen it in your store before
BRguy: then i don't know what you're talking about
me: umm..
BRguy: what i have here is the elisa, there's also the elizabeth and the emily, and that's all i have for the e's.
me: no. alisha. A-l-i-s-h-a
BRguy: oh... A.. yea we have that.

ohmygod. and plus - when i went there it was $79.99 in the store, and $59.99 online. lame! but i couldn't just order it online, cuz i needed to know what size. plus i want them for saturday. so i'm going to do some double buying/returning. cool.

today at lunch i was told that i seem to be a nexus of drama. that i secretly love it, and that i'm drawn to it, and i thrive on it. i don't think that's true. i mean... maybe it seems like i have more drama in my life than others - or maybe i just point it out more. i find it because things are so simple to me, and i don't understand why things are so complicated, and that's how the drama arises. maybe people bring their drama to me because i seem like i care, and i seem nice, so i become a sounding board/therapist/sanity check for people. so it's like i'm too nice right? then why does everyone at work think i'm a bitch? because i point out your flaws? because i want things done right? (and by right.. i mean my way.) haha.. oh well. i really don't try to find it, i don't. i don't even really enjoy it. not like ice cream. i enjoy that. if i could trade all my drama for ice cream, i'd be like 600 lbs. ooh. and then i could work from home like homer simpson.

okay.. enough day dreaming... back to uhhh.. work.

so i got this in my email today. i had kind of sort of forgotten that i had applied to this one late night while being fed up with my job. but i've always wanted to do something like this, and i always feel like when it comes to chinese things i should have an "in". hahah. like when i'm watching the amazing and they go to taiwan, i'm always like "man! i would rule this leg!" except i'm atrocious at directions and would totally get lost. if i ever go on it, or even try out, i'd need someone who's REALLY good at getting places where they don't know where they're going. i could do the challenges, but finding where to go.. yeaaaa.. not so much. anyways. so yea. i feel like college admission again or something. i'm waiting to hear back.. kind of nervous, cuz i really want it. how awesome would that be?! seriously.

so.. i'm on the job hunt again. it kind of slowed down a little, and i got some, well one, good prospect, but it ended up not panning out. kind of sad about it, but also kind of... okay with it. it would have been a great opportunity, but almost like starting over. which i was prepared to do, but maybe it isn't the right time to at the current moment. there was a lot of things i'd be walking away from, and while i was ready to do so, a lot of things would be hard because of it. so... in the end, maybe it wasn't "right" (see previous post.. haha.) so yea.. if you hear anything.. let me know!

so i'm sick again. yuk. at first i was hoping that it was just allergies to a cat, but now i'm full blown coughing, congested, phlegm filled, sore and achyness. awesome. my stomach and chest hurt so much from coughing so much. bleh.

nothing's been making me feel better... except for eating. although i haven't really felt like eating a lot. (sad! i know!) except my stomach has been growling - which i guess does mean that i'm hungry. i guess i just can't decide what i want to eat. but i did jump all over dre's panda express that she brought in. (thanks! hope i didn't drool too much over your shoulder.)

so... lately.. i've come to the stark realization that i have NO idea how to play "the game." you always think that you have to play by "the rules" in order to get mr. right. hah! when i just looked up the book apparently there's a whole series! the rules, the rules II, ALL the rules, and the rules for online dating. maybe i should read those and get cracking! BUT.. that book (yes.. i borrowed it from nicole to check it out..) is all about being demure and letting the guy chase you and not chasing after guys. or something like that. somehow, those rules don't really work, unless you're ridiculously hot, or you're really good at playing the game already. it's very hard to find someone who's gonna make grand gestures or moves, but it seems to happen to a lot of people. so i don't know if i'm doing something wrong, or if i just haven't found the one. i realize that guys aren't as forthcoming as in the past or in books. they can get pretty shy. problem is: that i get a tad bit shy, i mean.. in terms of showing people i "like" them. i mean.. i've been told that i'm a "flirt".. which i don't believe at all. but if i were to believe this, it only applies to people i'm not interested in. because, when there is s person i'm interested in, i get all shy and lame. way lame. the funny, cute, sarcastic, dry humor in me turns to "oh yea?" "uh huh?" "oh, that's nice." i told you, lame. i also stay away from being overtly flirty so i don't chance getting rejected, or looking like a whore. i know that both of those happen, and just because you act a little interested, doesn't mean you're a whore, but i can't shake that feeling. or the fear of rejection one. but i do think that i go the exact opposite and impression of "not interested." thus, me not knowing how to play "the game." i don't think that every guy is "mine to lose" but maybe certain ones are. and sometimes they'll go for the more agressive girls or the ones that show they are really interested, and that means a lot. i've been duped by the attention factor a few times. although this attitude doesn't help me in learning how to play "the game". maybe things will just fall into place when they're supposed to. sometimes i can be funny even when i'm interested. maybe. ugh. i just have to believe that things will happen when they're gonna happen, things aren't always what they seem they are, and going with your gut is sometimes a great decision. but do be clear that i do indeed follow the creed "don't hate the playa, hate the game". i do really really hate "the game".

i should probably go to bed now since it's midnight and i really was supposed to go to bed the second i got home. damn dvr.

here's a post from last friday that never got posted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

last hour of the work day - and all i really want to do is go home. now. things have slowed down significantly, and despite getting 10 hours of sleep and 2 cups of coffee today, i am EXHAUSTED. just really physically tired. i had a few late nights this week, and one super late night, and i think it's hitting me now. so much so that i'm not even sure i want to go out tonight. (oh.. such a tragedy.) i'm conflicted because it's friday night and it's one friend's last day, and another friend's birthday. going out always seems to be the "it" thing to do, and of course i want to hang out with my friends, but sitting on my couch in in my sweats is SO appealing. but i did manage to get all cute, and my hair is sort of behaving today (i spent enough damn time with it this morning), so i shouldn't waste the pretty, right?

speaking of cute. i'm wearing this gap shirt that i loved and don't wear as much anymore (i think because i think it's a little fancy). the shirt probably hates me though because i've gotten it SO dirty - and it's such a pretty little shirt. i spilled something on it way back and there was a light stain. then i spilled red wine on it while working at an event for work. and today i spilled chocolate ice cream cake on it. *sigh* i think sometimes i'm just not meant to have nice things.

i knew john mayer had a blog - i thought it was just off his official website or something... but this? he writes about his "personal" life. it makes me feel like we're friends... http://blog.honeyee.com/john/ i love you john mayer. i forget how much i love people sometimes. like jason mraz? LOVE him. totally forgot all about that. well.. not forgot, but it just didn't seem as strong. i remember the hey dey of my mraz obsessiveness where i'd be on the chat boards and making friends and going to all the concerts. and now i'm so far removed it, and from a lot of other things. hmm... funny how things change so much over time, and how things can seem so stagnant in present situations.

see. aren't these things soooooo cute. in the past recent days, my friends who are fans of all things color have been like "oh yea.. i wanted to get one too." yea.. you laughed when i wanted a pink razr. and laughed again when i lost it in vegas and was dying to get a new one but they were all sold out. but colored razrs are all the rage now, and dear angelee even owns a pink blackberry. (hahah.. won't be as cool as my pink iphone!) so colored cameras will be all the rage. i won't go as so far to get a pink SLR (if i ever get one) because that just seems tacky. but LOOK at those colored canons. even the brown. i seriously might need to have a backup camera or something. so. cute.

i've been at work for a little while.. and for the life of me, i can't think of anything to do. oh wait.. i just remembered some stuff i was supposed to send out.. okay.. i have a few things to do that will take me... ohhhh.. five seconds.

anyways...this morning i really did not want to get dressed this morning. i was standing there in my towel and wet hair and just laid back down in bed, wet hair an all. bleh. so much effort. i finally got dressed and made it to work, a tad bit earlier than usual (like 15 minutes) and was jazzed i beat the desk partner to work, until i realized she had a doctor appointment and wouldn't be in until lunch. damn. now i'm sitting here.. wondering what i can do all day. and just... staring. my mom and my aunt told me how lucky i was to have this job, with secure pay and benefits and it should be grand that i'm not that busy. unfortunately, this makes me even more sad. it's weird. i really dislike feeling this useless. you think i would love to surf the internet all day, unfortunately, i may have reached the end. or just don't want to seem like such a huge loaf at 10am on a monday morning.

either way.. here are some things i've been meaning to post about. some findings in my travels through the internet.

dre sent me this because i constantly gab about when i'm going to get my iphone (which is looking like june now :( ) and although i'm not a super girly girl, i can appreciate that sometimes things look really cute in pink. like my razr. and i recently discovered that they are making canon's in different colors. i almost ditched my less than one year old camera to my mom so i could buy the exact same one, but in pink. my mother yelled at me for that one, don't worry. anyhoo. although this is just a mock up, think about how cute it would really be if apple made them in pink. sooooo cute. this post says it might be an extra $300 - but would apple really do that? they made the nanos in different colors and they weren't extra. hmm. either way, i think i have to wait until june since they're coming out with a new version and so it seems silly to buy one now instead of wait. but that makes me saaaaaad.

so i initially thought that this was a joke. really.. how can something like this be true. i mean.. i guess i would lose a bunch of weight if i was only eating 4 cookies a day. but i would also be starving.

maybe these cookies are packed with enough stuff that you're not hungry - but i doubt it. i thought it was a spam add or something - but funny enough i was watching lipstick jungle and they made reference to it. weird. am i desperate enough to by 88 cookies for $99? i guess that's cheaper than buying mrs. field's cookies... but would 4 cookies a day plus dinner tide me over? i don't know man, especially when there's free philly cheesesteaks at work today. damn. but also on lipstick jungle the mentioned a prequel to harry potter by jk rowling. hmmmm.. i googled it breifly and found some links. there's an site and i guess you can download the book in pdf format to read. it's not really by jk, but rather written by some dude "based upon" jk's work. kind of a let down.. but could be interesting to read. fan stories aren't half bad sometimes - but definitely not the same as the real deal.

one last thing.. here's a banner ad that i found amusing.


would you click on this? sometimes i wonder what people think. but i guess if you really needed affirmation if you were dumb or not. there it is. although how sad would it be if you took an internet quiz and it was like "yup, you're dumb."

awesome.

one last bit of goodness.. conversation with my boss:
boss: did you have a good easter? did you find all your eggs?
me: i don't really celebrate easter. no eggs to find.
boss: what you do is put all the money in the eggs, get REALLY hammered and then go and hide all the eggs. wake up in the morning, and then try to find them.
me: maaan, why didn't you tell me that before yesterday?

you can now add "garage door fixer" to the long list of things i can do. today my sister's garage door got stuck and i unjammed it and now it works great. who knew i was so handy?

it's funny to see how although i'd like to say i'm drastically different from my mother - sometimes i find myself seeing how inherently the same we are... and why exactly i am the way i am. i think i've posted about this before .. but here we go anyways.

often people will tell me i'm "too nice". too giving, too caring, too helpful... bordering on letting myself get walked all over. i can't say that i always disagree, but i don't feel like it's really THAT bad. in the end, i try to be the person i want to be, and if i was doing things just so i wouldn't be "too nice" then it's not really a decision i'm making, but one i'm making under peer pressure. (when in the end, they don't really give a shit anyways, but that's another topic.) i'm an evil evil participant in the "what if" game, and i hate to make myself feel guilty about stuff (even though i do it all the time), so if i made a decision to not be "too nice", i would probably feel like a huge bitch later, and beat myself up over it, and that sucks too. what makes this all ironic is that when it comes to other people, i'm very clear on situations, and can easily tell them what they should and shouldn't do in order to "stand up for themselves". "no, don't call him back." "no, don't send him that present." "no, don't send that email... it's lame." when it comes to myself, not so much.

my cousin has been living at my parent's house for awhile, and he's a huge brat. super anti-social, doesn't really talk or respond, doesn't take part in anything, probably doesn't do his part, and isn't really someone you want to socialize with. quite a departure from the joy of living with me, as you can imagine.. (oh quiet, you know what i'm talking about). and he's not just quiet in the endearing shy kind of way, but in the bratty i'd rather be sitting in front of my computer all day long kind of way. my mom is doing it, for family, but she doesn't really begrudge her brother for making her do this, the situation just annoys her. in a way, she's kind of like me (or i'm kind of like her) where you kind of just take it in, until you can't deal with it anymore. she complained ALL afternoon about him to my aunt. but she is so nice and polite to him. i think mostly because she doesn't want him to throw a tantrum or hate her or be even more of a brat. who knows. she's WAY nicer to him than she was to my sister or i growing up (or even sometimes currently). i think i attribute this to a) she never had to raise boys, and b) it's not her own child, so she can't just smack him around how she wants.

today we came home and discovered that he broke a bottle of cooking wine and there was newspapers and many paper towels soaked up in the kitchen. i helped my mom out, and was kind of mad at the situation, and my mom was like "i'll talk to him later about it." when he came downstairs, my mom politely asks him what he broke, if he cleaned up all the glass, and if he was okay. huh?! so not the ass whooping i was hoping for. i mean.. granted he did clear away the broken glass, but i could tell my mom was frustrated that he didn't take out the garbage and kind of did a half ass job at cleaning up. yet, she didn't even mention it to him at all. she's waiting until his mom (my mom's sister in law) to come in may so she can tell/point out/show all these bad traits or something and hope that she'll talk to him about it, because she's the only person he'll listen to willingly. i felt like i wanted to say something, or berate my cousin, or tell him to stop being such a jerk. the other day someone told me that with guys, if there's an easy way out, they'll take it. my mom - as long as she babies him, he's not gonna do anything different. with me, as long as i don't "stand up" to other people, nothing's going to change. probably like my mother, i don't really know how to accomplish this. this also slightly worries me, because i always felt like, in time, with age and wisdom and experience, i'd find my footing, and i'd find how to stand up and be confident. but what if i'm just always like this and never find my way. not that i'm not totally awesome right now, but i can do some pretty stupid things sometimes... which i guess you'll always be guilty of, it's human nature. i just hope that i can learn from mistakes. or make sure i'm not a miserable person. alone, and sad, or with someone who i'm not completely happy with. because that would suck. i'm guilty of doing too many things for people i love, or really even remotely like, because i figure.. "hey, why not?" most of the time i don't really have a strong opinion about something, so i just go with the flow. i don't know if that's easy going or pushover. i think it's option a to me, option b to other people. and i hate to be seen as that. but how can i help it? i don't know. this subject confuses me to all heck anyways.

funny result though, my mom appreciates me WAY more because she can see by comparison now just how awesome i am. i guess it's that whole "you miss it when you don't have it" thing, although i know my mom always loves me. i also like how she tells me all the time that i should move back home. like i would want to re-insert myself back into that situation. i guess when i really decide my life is over i'll do that. until then, that's a negatory madre. lo siento.

happy first day of spring! (thursday)...

:)

post more later...

i really have nothing to write about, but i just had a yearning to blog. i think this may have been my secret new year's resolution - but i can't say that it is, or else i won't keep it.

i'm finally feeling a little better (hopefully i'm not jinxing myself here either). maybe that's attributing to the fact that i left work at 7:30 and came home and immediately passed out. a good 3 hour nap will do wonders. i'm just hoping i can fall back asleep here in a minute. come onnnnn nyquil.. work your magic! i spent the last two days trapped inside my own head due to some weird congestion/ear stuffiness that seems to be alleviating itself today. but it was the worst because my ears were constantly plugged, all the sound was trapped inside my head, and i couldn't hear well, but could hear all the really low tones and they drowned everything else out. listening to music in the car on the way to work this morning was a bitch. i finally found a classical station. by the way, they turned my favorite classical station 105.1 into a country music station?! what?! ugh. country music stations belong below the 100's... just my opinion.

on the job front - trying to work on it. i've sent out my info to a few more places, definitely not 10 a day like the "suggested" amount is... but i'm at least looking. there's a new "project" at work, and i can't decide if i want to try and get super involved with it in order to make me feel accomplished and make sure it's as "cool" as it can be. or if i should learn how to not be a control freak and let it run it's course.

that last sentence however i am trying to apply to my life. i need to be a lot better at learning how to "let go". and not worry so much about things i can't control, and know that people are being stupid and weird, even they were cool in the past, or if i care about them, i kind of just have to let go, or realize that they aren't worth my time now. it's hard because i don't like to be the person to say "i'm so awesome you can't hang out with me" and so i have to realize it's not that, but more like it "shouldn't be that hard". i think i should be permanently sick though because it makes me not want to try as hard to have conversations/put forth effort/be too nice. i'm slightly sick of doing all the chasing. but minimal effort is still needed right?

someone commented again today that i look "pissed off"... i was just working, and quite bored. and maybe arranging dates on a calendar was really secretly making me upset - but i wasn't trying to look angry. but "it's just her work jean angry face" great. i need to try and make my bored working face not be my angry pissed off face. but it's hard, because i've realized that my lips naturally curve downwards - so if i'm not using any muscles in my face to look amused or smile, it's just this not happy face. not quite sad, but more intense into the angry section. hmmph. i probably look angry typing this blog. but i'm not.. :D! excited face!

but i did realize i need a major change in my life. and this wasn't going to come with people i talk to you and things i do on the weekend, but really day to day life and my job. then the other things will fall into place. (hopefully.. right?) although... sometimes i feel this year has moved so slowly, but i can't remember when i posted about it being february already, and now it's march. my next milestone i'm looking forward to is the beginning of april so i can get an iphone. i'm hoping that it will be here in no time at all. see... i have goals.

oh crap.. that means i have to finish this trailer, and do my taxes. yikes.

so in addition to feeling pretty miserable and crappy cuz i've been sick.. this is what i've been up to this past month.

tried the counter for the first time. this was the final event of dreafest08. any reason really to go have giant burgers is good for me though. i had heard lots about this place, but never been, so i was pretty excited to go :)

i've been working "a lot" lately. haha.. off and on i guess. is that like most jobs? sometimes for work i get to order office supplies. sometimes they come with really significant instructions. see below.


seriously? who do they think is buying this stuff? even if it were little kids, you'd think you wouldn't have to tell anyone to remove the plastic on the OUTSIDE of the package in order to use it? wow.

ann came back to town for president's day weekend and we finally went on our cupcake hunt! yay! she had been hearing about the new trendy cupcake stores, so i scouted some out for her to try. we went to hotcakes bakes, vanilla, and crumbs. we tried to go to sprinkles, but there was honestly like a line down the street. mostly cuz it's a small store and it probably only accomodates like 2 people at a time. but i really DON'T get the hype of sprinkles. they're way cute, and their packaging is great... but taste wise. i think that crumbs is by far the best. and most ingenious with their flavors. i highly recommend the reese's peanut butter cupcake, and the oreo cupcake (if you like oreos.. who doesn't?!). and the artie lange cupcake - which is a special right now.. and AMAZING. hotcakes bakes (red velvet on the left) was really good, and vanilla (mini cakes on the right) was okay. it wasn't my favorite because the frosting was really light, and i think kind of bland, but ann liked it for that very reason. i like SUGAR. that's probably why i like crumbs so much. the cupcakes are huge, and sweet, and dense, and rich. YUM. if i'm gonna pay $3.50-$4 for a cupcake, it shouldn't be puny!

this isn't a very good picture - but this is me in the parking lot at work waiting for the total lunar eclipse (once upon a time i was falling in love, now i'm only falling apart... *snicker.. this makes me laugh everytime.) *ahem* anyhoo.. the lunar eclipse is that small blurry dot highest in the picture. it's sort of obscured by the blight light off the building.. and that's kind of how i felt in the parking lot too.

this month was a big birthday month. in addition to andrea, there was also vivian, my grandmother, sherry, keri kaba, my boss, and jo. jo's bday was special because i was able to try something that i've been wanting to for awhile. lucky charm treats!! much like rice crispy treats (okay.. exact same thing) but with lucky charms instead of rice crispies. c'mon... marshmallow with marshmallow?! win win situation. they were really excellent and i was proud of myself and looking at this picture makes me drool. they're definitely going to have to make a reappearance.

i'm listening to the three graces cd.. it's pretty awesome. and good thinking doing stuff music :) if you like josh groban and il divo, you will love them. if you're a guy, you'll love them, cuz they're hot. haha.. but they do sound amazing. i'm pretty intrigued to see them live in a month. yay. (oh and.. go support them if not for any other reason than so my roommate can get nice and rich and she can be my sugar mama.) :)

so my good friend beth up and left LA and moved far away. now she sends me presents... and to demonstrate how well she knows me, look at what she got me. a long time ago i was eyeing this very thing at urban outfitters. not sure exactly where she got it, but it's my kind of present. i never bought it because i thought it was kind of small for two people, and true it shows you're supposed to put a shot glass at the bottom so not everyone and their mother are putting their mouths on it, but true ice luge style calls for it. it probably won't get too much use right away, we'll have to find the right occasion, but the roommate is really excited as well. maybe we can have the mini ice luge for the wusses and the big ice luge for the pros. i love me some ice luges. thanks beth!

one last thing... awesomest commercial i've seen lately. which isn't really saying much because of tivo (love you) and dvr i don't really watch commercials. but see.. i didn't miss out on this one! it's meant to be.

trying to pass the last 30 minutes of the day. even though i'm blogging through it, i feel slightly proud of myself for making it through the day. this sickness that reared it's ugly head a week ago, but seemed to have been slain this weekend, is coming back with a nasty vengeance and my throat is not enjoying it. boo for sick tuesdays. i came in relatively "on time" like 9:30ish. for me.. (lately) that's on time, as i have been getting here after the 10 o'clock hour. bad jean. it's a combination of things really... but internally.. i feel sort of bad. so i'm "trying" to get here earlier. today was a good day. i told myself i was gonna go home early, and my boss even told me to go home. don't know why i didn't. figured i already dragged myself out of bed and here, might as well tough it out. or.. maybe it really does take more energy to sit here, than to go home.

i'm kind of stumbling through the days. trying to keep myself busy, trying to find things to do, as they figure themselves out. i kind of have a feeling things aren't really gonna get better before the next 5 weeks are up, and that does kind of give me a little bit of incentive. i've applied to jobs, but haven't really heard any thing back. which is sad. am i really that unqualified? are my goals too lofty? do my resume/cover letter suck that much? i KNOW that i can do these jobs, it's just "hard" to get your foot in the door i suppose. but what also sucks is that i keep having to answer questions, and help people out, and i sit here and wonder, if i have all the answers, why am i still just sitting here? *sigh... i don't know.

ok.. i think that i can leave 20 minutes early. that's not too bad. it sure doesn't take me 1/2 hour to blog... i must type really fast :P but i do need to post a picture blog soon.. i just don't have the pix with me, they'll be up soon though.

before you think i'm crazy about other people's perceptions of me..

jeanyah: well.. my roommates gonna be gone in march
jeanyah: and i'll need friends.
jeanyah: so... get better before then
izeta: haha...don't you have like 900 friends?

and

jeanyah: since i'm not in production or features any more.. i talk to a lot less ppl
jeanyah: haha.. sucks.
mahina: but you know everyone!!!!

is this really the image i portray and give off? and is that necessarily a good thing? and how did it get to be this way? cuz i smile a lot and say hi to everyone? (damn you, gap.) tonight i'm gonna be at home, possibly by myself, maybe with my friend patron.

ps. today for lunch i got free tacos and saw brad pitt. score. job doesn't suck so bad now does it? okay fine.. it still kind of does :(

pps. hush - no mention of the fact that i was "trying" to make plans in conversation one. it really is only because i know these plans with this person never actually materialize. sometimes those are the best kinds of plans. because you never feel guilty for flaking.

ppps. hahah.. i just got the weirdest sensation of being very "brooke davis". hahahah.. i guess it could be worse, but there's like two (maybe just one) who will know what i'm talking about.

i think i'm gonna become a recluse. that might be my goal for the month of march. i mean.. i say that - but will i ever follow through? when i say i want solitude - i usually end up not getting it because i get too impatient and bored and want attention and people around... and so maybe this is my covert way of getting attention, by saying i don't want any. because currently, i'm not getting any. okay - so as you can tell this is already a self indluging pity party kind of post. but i have 2 shots of tequila in me (it was for charity!), this is my blog - so let me vent.

i think i'm in the perfect position to become a recluse too... i mean.. i'll still go to work (if you can call it that) so that people will know i'm alive. but my roommate will be gone, so no mandatory needing to hang out or go out, and no hanging out with her and b. b will be off doing his own thing, and i'm in this mid point where everyone thinks i'm just hanging out with someone else. funny enough, my life gets like this a lot. people say i have a "lot" of friends, and while i may know a lot of people, i never have that "core" - or i think maybe i have that core, and it either dissipates, or doesn't really exist, or i choose the wrong core. i think in this latest sense, it was two out of the three. unfortunately in the past year or so, i've spent so much time with certain people, and now i'm not, and everyone else seems to just have moved on. and so have the certain people. everything thinks i've moved on too, because i'm really good at making it seem like things are okay, or like sometimes not letting people know things... so then it's like "well if jean doesn't say so, it must be fine." i hardly EVER say anything, just so you know. i attribute it mostly to my upbringing... thanks, mom. anyhoo.. so now.. without that small group that i had spent most of my time with in the past year and half or so - i'm kind of at this loss, because everyone has their thing to do, and while i might be half heartedly invited (or even whole heartedly) somehow i still quite don't fit in. granted, this is a lot my fault and my tastes, but still... it's square peg in a round hole.

in addition to this, my job sucks now. a lot has gone on in the past couple months and i'm far less busier than i ever was. ironic part: i think i just got a raise. (think as in i'm waiting until the next paycheck to see if it actually got approved.) people will probably tell me, that i need to create something, and be proactive - but honestly.. i try. i can't think of things to do, and everything i think of has to be approved by people who are far too busy to get back to me right away, or have to ask even busier people. so i do my fair share of waiting. i was warned about this, and so i took on menial show tasks, and hated it, but at least i was busy right? that's ended, and while i sort of miss it, menial tasks still suck. i hate feeling useless, undefined, and like i'm wasting time. and then i feel guilty that they pay me for all of that. i mean.. i shouldn't complain.. i really shouldn't. i do do my fair share of things. and i've been told "it'll get better" i just don't know when that is, and how i'm going to have to wait for it, and is it worth it. i'm trying to make a change, and really i should put more effort into that. but apathy is probably my biggest enemy.

things seemed to be okay or getting better. but much like lucas on OTH, (yes.. i know...) i think i'm just burying things. not solving a problem. burying one surfacey relationship with another doesn't solve problems. anyhoo.. so in march, while everyone thinks i'm hanging out with someone else, and dorina's off doing her actual work thing, i'm gonna see if i can lay low and hang out with myself, my BFF: 42 inch plasma, aaaand.. who knows. i don't. and like i said. my boredom/attention whoreyness always gets the best of me. but i really do need some sort of major change. stat.

just to note. i did try this "i'm gonna not call until he calls me" test in high school, in the one sort of semi not really relationship that i had, when i got real fed up of putting forth the "effort". guess how that one ended? hah. just so you don't think my cynicism is unfounded.

ps. this doesn't reflect on the company i was with tonight, they were wonderful.

so i've been pretty amiss as to what to post about. sometimes i'll have an idea and think "oh i should totally blog about that!" but when it comes time to a point when i feel like blogging - i've always forgotten. i was doing pretty well at blogging, but now 13 days have gone by and no posts. sorry.. i guess life has just been that boring for me. we went and celebrated dre's birthday a few times (all fun.) at the blue bayou, the edison(sort of)/redwood bar/busby's (sort of)/the counter. we ended up at medusa lounge for jana's bday, and ended the night at rosen karaoke til 4am. i should have just told andrea to go to medusa, but forgot, and kind of ditched her when we drove past busby's at the line was too long for our liking.

valentine's day came and went. no big deal. i did get a rose from kelly l. at work... cuz she loves me. haha. she's always pretty thoughtful like that and trying to include everyone. it was nice to have a little something, after all the time i spent printing/cutting/wrapping candy for the speed racer valentines. it's not too bad. people seemed happy to get them i guess, although i wouldn't get credit for it, i never do :P maybe people do remember, and i just don't know about it. sometimes little things matter. but in the end i can't believe that i was getting paid to cut up piece of paper and wrap chocolate in saran wrap. i guess things could be worse - but sometimes sitting around wasting time or doing meaningless crap isn't as "relaxing" as it seems. side note: am i weird that i don't feel the need to get all anti valentine's day when i don't have a valentine? a lot of girls i know were trying to make plans, or refused to sit at home and sulk. and i was just like "it's a thursday, like any other thursday"... although when i went to ralphs during lunch it looked like valentine's puked all over the store (balloons, flowers, candy, people going crazy) and flowers were insanely priced. i boiled it down to since i've never been spoiled on valentine's day, so i can't really miss it. but even if i was going to smothered - would i really like it? i can be a pretty non mush kind of girl. but sometimes i'm totally the "awwww" kind of girl. i know.. i'm weird.

those are the big events as of late. just hanging out and trying to figure things out i guess. last weekend was president's day weekend, so yay for three day weekend. i inadvertently turned it into 4 because i had to call out sick on tuesday. but i spent all day in spent pretty near death. okay, so i'm over-exaggerating, but i really did sleep all day. and not the good kind of sleep, but the sleep because i really can't get up and do anything else kind of sleep. trying to get better since there are events coming up this weekend. hah. i say events like they're actually important. but they're like.. birthday things. which i guess are "important" but in the not really sense. hahah.

so i'm the worst chinese person. at work they were asking me questions about the double happiness symbol.. and really.. i couldn't answer any of them.

i knew chinese new year was kind of in the vicinity - but didn't really know. until last night i saw some news blip about chinese new year and decorations in china. this morning i thought maybe i should find out when new years is so that i can hang out with my parents. so i google it - new years day is today. haha. this is how i find out when "major" holidays are. last night was chinese new years eve, my parents went out to dinner and didn't call me cuz they didn't think i'd be able to make it (at 6pm.. which is true). i'm kind of bothered that my parents didn't even try to call, because they think i'm so busy. which isn't untrue, but still sad. i went over for dinner tonight and got my favorite food - and tons to bring back and share. yay. but it was nice. i know that i don't really do quality time with my parents, just because i'll sit with them while they're watching tv, or on the internet, so it's not like there's much interaction going on - but sometimes my mom will chat with me - that's why dinner is perfect.. because they can chat and i can eat. they don't really reach out much - but i know they appreciate when i come home. they don't reach out because they feel like they'd be "bothering" me or that i should be calling them. (see.. this is where i get it from people..) but i know they like to make sure i'm taken care of and send me home with goodies and hope that i'm happy, and that's nice.

so, it's the year of the rat. happy new year, people. hope you had a good one.

another reason to not stay up so fucking late: i wouldn't feel the mini-earthquakes that are 1 second long, but enough to freak me out slightly (that WAS an earthquake right? at 2:12am?). being a california (pretty much) native i'm not "scared scared".. but it still jolts me.

if i was asleep, i would be dead to the mini shaking.

so this is totally not meant to be a food blog, nor do i consider myself a "foodie" (do i even know what that is?) but either i'm a "true" little sister and like to do everything my sister does, or hanging out with andrea has rubbed off on me a little. at the very least - she introduced me to restaurant week.. and i'm having a good time - despite the always eating 3 course meals, and the $$... even if it is discounted. but hey.. it's worth it.. and i wouldn't normally discover these places. so next week... less eating out okay?

for now...

sunday - i missed the end of the superbowl (the most exciting part... dammit) to go to the blue bayou @ disneyland for dre's bday. i wanted to go for my bday, but it was booked, so andy made reservations this time around. so.. i was slightly excited. overall, the food was good ... i think maybe i hyped it up too much, and i was also sorely disappointed by the lack of deep fried cheesecake... boo. the ambience was nice, inside the pirates ride... i thought there'd be more to it, but it was kind of small, just a bunch of tables on the patio. and it smelled half like really good food, and half like pirate ride water. but it was yummy. i might have had a better meal if i had gotten the filet like i ordered - but meat is meat and i had prime rib instead cuz they messed up. it wasn't bad, but probably could have been better. dessert was yummy... it always is. oh!!! the gumbo was really really really good. i wish i could go there just for that. (and their butter, that was amazing too.)

monday - dre and i went to cezanne for lunch cuz we were feeling it (and i'm bad and totally let my food go to waste, like actual waste - i had to throw it away today). but it was so worth it.. i'm sad they didn't have the creme brulee, but both appetizer and meal (x2) were great. it was typical in a hotel restaurant. way nice because it's santa monica, and i loved the mini condiments.

today (super tuesday!) - vivian picked one sunset as a dinner spot for laura's birthday. i immediately checked to see if they had a dineLA menu, and they did. (yay!) i'm a dork, i know. i was pretty satisfied with the food - so while it was artsy and "small" portions, it was still pretty filling. plus, i love eating with people who are semi-indecisive like me and like to share and eat off each other's plates. that's a must have i think. it's the "family style" chinese side of me. the ambience was cute, posh, loungey and couches for chairs. trendy, along the lines of those nice west hollywood restaurants. but better because it's not crazy crowded. we even got rockstar parking... score!

at both of these places, food was great - desserts = just okay.

mmmmmmm.. food.

on the news front (me news, not actual news)... job - okay. they hired a PA for the show and i think i don't have to do the dreaded duties that i like to complain about but maybe secretly love because it makes me too busy to think about the other stupid things in my life. except i still think about them... so less time. but i'll be able to return a semi-normal existence and then i can try to figure out what i did on weekends before i got sucked into the world that i'm most recently fleeing/exiled from. still... trying to figure things out though. (on two counts) i did get the best mini compliment today - while complaining some sub-par moments, someone commented "yea, the job that you did so well"... awww!! thanks L.T. - i like you even though it sounds like you're eating the phone when you page.

i was listening to people complain about their issues with the opposite sex, and while i "want" someone, it makes me very glad that i don't go through a lot of the things that other people do. maybe i do, just in my own way, but i definitely don't go through it as often. i've also realized that i really suck at flirting, especially when i care. or that i think that being "mean" is playful, and think it's flirting, when really i'm just being mean and it probably turns people away. i might need to work on that one. it's also a defense mechanism so that i don't have to get rejected by post it note, or find someone i'm interested in re-signing up for dating service when they already quit, or just plain no response. that's why i need to learn to not care, because it always comes out better that way. it's also an independence thing, as much as i am needy, i like to be able to be free. AND while i'm a total attention whore, i like to have it so i know i have it. once i actually do, i shove it away - but only because i know it's there. like a safety net. i can be so dumb sometimes. is this making sense to you? either way, i wholly agree that i don't want to be with someone just to be with someone. i think i learned that one in the 10th grade. the lesson i never learned however was to let go of something when i see qualities i don't like. i tend to let the good outweigh the bad, even if the redeeming qualities are far fewer. bad jean. these are lessons that i'm slowly trying to learn - but it's not about self value (but maybe it's tied in?), but also just less value towards others - which is hard to shift my inner faith in people. anyways, i'll stop being whiney and candid (whoa.. got way too personal there for a moment.. sorry) and maybe get some sleep. or watch one tree hill. i should probably get up and take my car in, and i now have to reschedule my life drawing class for client review. BOO.

to summarize..
step 1: learn how awesome i am
step 2: apply for this.

blogging on a friday night.. that's either a sign that i have no life, or that i work too much. this week i worked 59 hours. i'm too freaking tired - so i gave up cruising weho and decided to stay in, obsess, stalk and blog. in no particular order. maybe i'm just really committed to this getting back to blogging thing. except i think everyone's forgotten that i own this blog and still write for it - so no one checks it anyways. it's okay.. i'll write for me.

today i accidentally stumbled upon my dine LA experience number 1 for restaurant week. dre and i had these grandeur plans to hit up all these places, and so far we've done zero. but i think we're gonna try to make it up next week. i was feeling indecisive about lunch, and felt like going to chaya, and really just should have stuck with regular food - but i couldn't pass up the restaurant week menu... they include dessert!



what i got was "okay"... at first i got the ahi for the appetizer, but i think that stuff is too fancy for me. i had to switch it for calamari - which was excellent. tiger roll was okay - probably should have got the shrimp wrap. sorbet was good... but you can't really mess that up. overall it was good though - just don't try to pick the "healthy" option.. just go for what's yummy!

lately, i've been having very girly moments. although i really try not to show it on the outside. but it sneaks out. one VERY girly trait of mine is that i want what i can't have, even when i don't really want it. i need to know what's right, and what's not and be content with that, instead of "oh.. what if." i know i don't want it, i told myself i don't want it, but when it's dangled in front of my face i get a little sad inside and wish i had done something differently.

*sigh* here's hoping to upcoming change.

i just sent it off.

wish me luck.

i REALLY want this.

i really want to get back into blogging - but sometimes i just feel like i have anything to say. i mean.. i guess the point is say whatever you want - but sometimes.. there's really nothing to say - and i'm not really fond of saying stuff just to say stuff.

i'm crossing my fingers about a new job opportunity. something silly, but something i really really really want. it feels kind of sad to want this so much - but i think it would be so fun. i really want it to because i've revised my cover letter and resume at least 7 times... i don't think i've ever worked so hard on it in my life. i found the girl i'm sending it to on myspace... i really want to send her a message via that as well.. like to follow up.. haha.. is that weird? and i thought since my regular email isn't tied to my myspace profile that i'd be okay and she couldn't stalk me (since i'm opposed to making my profile private).. but when you search for "jean huang".. there's only like 12 that come up and i'm the only one that lives in LA. really?!! come one.. there's really no jean huang's in LA?! i swear when you google me you get so many people that aren't me. i guess maybe they're all in asia. so... so much for that plan. maybe she'll see my myspace and love me.

okay.. i probably really should get to sleep. i've just have had super insomnia for the past few months. wait.. insomnia's not the right word because i'm tired. i'm just stupid and don't go to sleep. i blog, organize pictures, stalk and do other things. but today i was productive and was revamping revisions.. so it's kind of okay. i just hope it's worth it.

really quickly...



a year ago.. i swore i would never do what i was doing again. and yet somehow i've found myself doing the same exact thing.. maybe even worse. i told myself that even though for 2 years all i ever wanted to was to go into production - that much like the grass being greener on the other side, it was not what it was cracked up to be. i still had some fun because it was my job and there were people around to support me. a year later, it's not "really" my job, but i'm still doing it. i'm cleaning up EVERY. SINGLE. page of this database because people are apparently stupid and don't know how to cut and paste. or don't know how to read. or just hate me. i sometimes don't get people. strike that.. i never get people.

funny enough, a year ago i was kind of meandering in this mess of a boy situation. actually i guess a year ago it was starting to get better. this year, it's just starting to get worse.

how come i can't haven't learned my lesson yet?

today might be a first step... i said no.

second step: refusing to call again. i don't know if holding out is stubborn pride or self respect. there's a fine line when your ego gets in the way. i haven't figured out yet which one it is.

everyday it gets a little bit worse and worse... yesterday i think it was 2am that i went to bed.. today it's 3:30am. hmm.. what's my deal? i dunno.

anyways.. just wanted to blog about proyecto number 1 for this new year. it's been awhile since i picked up the crocheting - and i still have the same problems as before.. but i think overall it was okay eh?

kind of cute eh?

i can't buy myself something nice with my "fat" overtime filled paycheck because the freaking government took ONE THOUSAND dollars out for taxes. what the heck! boo. and then i had to pay my mucho expensivo rent. i almost start to cry every month when i cut that check.

oh well... i'll get a few nice things for the impending birthday (hint hint) :P jk

soooo.. i know it's been awhile. and even longer since a "real" post.. but i think i might be making a return to blogger. which might be even better if random people/people i don't like are reading it cuz they think i don't blog anymore. i know really that the point of writing in public is for people to read it - but sometimes.. i dunno. anyways.. that's not the point.

i just want to say - in a not so public place - that i'm slightly sad about my work halloween party this year. i pretty much was in charge/helped plan the whole thing.. and while i definitely did not do it all by myself, i think i did a big portion of the conception and organizing of it. people have been complimenting me, and saying how awesome it was, which is great, and i'm glad. (yea.. i reeeallly don't take compliments well.) but the more i think about it, and the more pictures i see.. it makes me kind of sad. i planned this really awesome thing with all this awesome stuff and all the things i like and i didn't get to enjoy any of it. i mean.. that is my fault in the poor planning sense. while the party is over without any casualties or major blows, if i had prepped better i maybe could have enjoyed the party more instead of running around the entire time making sure things were right. i honestly didn't have a single ounce of fun, and really that has no correlation to me having not a single ounce of alcohol. and, it's not like i had a bad time, i just didn't have a good time because i was working the whole time. i didn't get to hang out with any of my friends, non of my co-workers, didn't get to eat a bacon wrapped hot dog, didn't take any photobooth pictures, didn't get to listen to the band, didn't get to dance and didn't get to flirt with the hot bartenders or go-go dancers. okay.. so the last one i would have survived without (maybe) but all the rest. i REALLY wanted to do. i planned this party with all the stuff i love and hand picked, and i can't very well bring it back next year (if i'm even planning).. so.. what gives? if the party was so intensely awesome, i'm that much more sad i didn't get to enjoy it. this might be the one case where making a ton of other people happy doesn't really make me happy. and while the flood of compliments and thank you's is always appreciated, it doesn't help that i didn't get to enjoy any of it. and not really just the "fun" aspects.. but i see in pictures the decoration and the atmosphere and i didn't get to take in any of that.. because i was so focused on getting through the crowd to problem #x. i need to lay off "serious work mode jean" and find middle ground. i know i'm whining, and maybe i'll go buy something nice for myself with my next paycheck of the 90 hours i put in last week to make myself feel better, but i'm still not gonna get any of those things i said above back. expect another spell of sadness when the photobooth pictures come online and i see everyone having way too much fun, in the super cute photobooth pictures and i'm not in any of them. i think that's the one that makes me the most sad. boo. oh well.. next time right? and i could have way worse problems.

outside: looks humongous!
(that's what she said)

inside: hot bartenders + fake fire (awesome!) is never a bad combination.. too bad go-go dancers are not also in this picture

oh, here they are (minus one girl)... helloooooooo.

*images stolen from andrea

soooooo.. my sister tagged me in this "tell me 7 things that i probably don't know" although.. the only people who really read this blog, probably know anything that i would post on the internet anyways.. so i really have no clue what to say.

ummmm...

yea.. i'm going to have to think about this one :P

minus negativity = positivity right? that's the way it works. anyways.. i've been trying to do this for awhile - and each time i just get sucked back in. back into the drama, the pettyness and the shit talking. i'm gonna try to stop. yea.. sounds like an impossible feat right? i friggin gripe about everything... mostly because i think people are idiots, because they are... but i wonder if keeping it too myself or trying to not let it bug me will be good for me? or drive me insane.

similarly - i've been wondering if oh so my passive aggressive nature hurts or helps me. there are times when it's definitely better to hold your tongue, but i do it so often. i often don't tell people what i actually think, mostly because it's mean. today a friend asked me why i was doing a certain thing that i knew would be an issue, and i just didn't say anything because well my answer was simply that "i didn't care." oops.. my bad. sometimes i just wanna be selfish. everyone else is, why can't i? sometimes i just wanna be mean, be selfish and be okay with it. that last part is the hardest.

sometimes i also want to be fake. not fake in the way that is really super duper fake .. but be able to control my emotions better. not get so emotional or get so attached or take things so personally. it's hard for me to have superficial conversations, or talk to people i don't like/annoyed with about things i don't care about with a straight face. sometimes it's a bored face, sometimes it's a "you're stupid" face, and most of the time it's the "i'm not listening" face... then people think that i don't like them, and then don't like me because of it.. blah blah blah.. never good for any situation. not sure really how to deal.

one more tangent - caring too much. sometimes to seem as if i don't care that much (when i really actually do) i act really aloof. because i don't want to get hurt? because i want to be cool? because i don't want to seem too dorky? i don't know. and i can't tell whether that drives more interest in, or if it drives people away. probably a 50/50... but after awhile people get sick of it. except for the people who really care or know you. maybe i just need to cut everyone else out.

as you can tell i'm in a super duper mixed up place. about work, friends, roommates, boys, life, etc. today someone asked me twice if i was okay because i seemed out of it, beaten down and overwhelmed. i thought i was doing an okay job today of trying to get it done.. i didn't think i looked that ragged. it's nice that someone noticed though i guess. i've even signed off aim these past 2 weeks so i wouldn't be bothered. mostly i'm avoiding certain people, but it's good on a whole because i'm more productive, less distracted. and yet i still don't seem to get anything done.

staying up til 3am probably isn't helping me either.

so lately i've been having a tough time with my job. today wasn't one of those days. ok.. it kind of was... but the hours of 12:30pm-3:30pm today made up for it. you wanna know why? because i saw brad pitt. and he was beautiful. i mean.. not beautiful in the same way like the time that i saw scott speedman, because scott speedman is prettier. brad pitt is rugged manly. and although he doesn't tower over you like you think he would, he is hott. (two t's) i saw him a few times today.. once with weird green paint all over his face, and he was still good looking. and he was wearing a wife beater. i appreciate nice shoulders and backs. very much so. later on i saw him with no paint on. oh mylanta. i lost my train of thought both times when he walked in the vicinity and i did that whole thing where you are pretending not to notice him, but everyone knows you're secretly staring at him in your peripheral vision, especially because the idiot grin on my face gives it away. it was almost as good as the time i saw JT.. it should probably be better because i was closer for a longer period of time.. but JT is bundled in with the *nsync first love. it does rank higher than the time i drooled all over michael vartan though... but i was probably more giddy then. this time i had to at least pretend to be professional while i squealed on the inside.

today... i love my job.

heheheheh.. i did some hunting. this makes me laugh :)








how did they get inside again?!

but she does look really pretty! :)

so i think i might die... and i also think i am probably being over-dramatic
.. but just in case i'm posting this anyways. long story short i got punched in the head. i'm a little afraid that i might have a concussion - and for the most part i might be fine... but i'm afraid that i might be a little stupider .. or i might lose some skill set .. or my vision might get worse than it already is (i got punched on the left side right by my eye) or that i might go to sleep and not wake up. scary.

anyways.. in case that happens - i just wanted to write one last post. tell my friends and family i love them. tell beth that she can have my jason mraz cd's, nicole and ann can share my *nsync stuff, and i'd split up the rest of my stuff but i have way too much crap, and i don't care that much (a symptom of the concussion or probably just my apathy). i'm sure my friends can figure out who gets what.. or they'll just dump it all. maybe donate it. that would be good.

ok.. i was probably gonna write more.. maybe some messages.. but the apathy/concussion is taking over again and plus i don't like to talk about feelings/be too mushy anyways.

how creepy is this blog if i actually don't wake up tomorrow?

but now since i said it it's not going to come true.

wow.. i'm retarded.

happy birthday to my big sister joan! yay!!!

i don't know what my problem is, but i swear i cannot go to bed early anymore. and i can't wake up on time. it's a pressure thing. there's a lot less pressure, so i slack, and maybe i'm getting a little bored, which can equal careless. blech.

anyways.. this is what i came to do.


i am officially obsessed. and today.. i just figured out why. the first time i had pinkberry.. i thought it was a little weird.. very yogurty tasting. sort of like those asian yogurt drinks... which i like.. but is not the same as ice cream. a couple weeks later i thought - hey.. i feel like yogurty.. and had some since there's one near my work. right after i finished.. i wanted more. badly. i think i suggest we go there everyday... not that i can always get there - but i talk about it a little bit and think about it even more. hahaha. today.. i had it for lunch .. well lunch pre-snack because my stomach was being a little wiggy and i couldn't handle real food at the designated lunch hour (i had real lunch at 3:30). anyways... today while i was eating my pinkberry and perusing shoes, it hit me. pinkberry now reminds me of ice monster. maybe the condensed milk taste is similar to yogurt. or it's all the fruit.. but i am in love!!

so i'm freaking out a little (as usual).. i wormed my way into my friend's short film. i thought i would just be a glorified PA or something.. and then through being in the right place/right time - and the fact that i'm awesome i got handed AD responsibilities - sort of.. just fill in stuff, and now i'm going to cut the piece. crazy! i'm freaking out a little because these are industry people with high tech gadgets and expectations and while i'm good, i'm not technical, and that's part of being fantastic. some guy's career is riding on this, and i'm... yikes. anyways.. i guess i better bone up. lots of internet research. lets see those $2000 i paid for my classes pay off. hahaha. it's good timing though. i'm just coming off pirates/insane crazy work hours, so while i'll still be working 45-50 hrs/week it won't be 70. i'll be able to use those extra hours for this. so still staying busy.. but different busy. not that staying up unitl 3am is helping me (damn you DST.. it'd still be 2am if it wasn't for you..)

new jobby starts tomorrow. a little freaked, but not that worried, because my old boss is awesome. maybe i'm beginning to border on the edge of over confident - which is bad. so i gotta reel it in. i'm training my replacement in the morning and then being trained in the afternoon. hope it goes well. i'm going back to using an apple at work - so i hope all my windows skills don't go down the toilet since that's all i have at home - but i still have my work laptop. i know it seems trivial - but i often find myself pushing the wrong buttons when searching for the control/command key. haha.

ummm.. why am i up at 3am? i dunno. but i'm being a little mean and enjoying it. i think lately i have been a little void of feelings.. maybe no time to feel - maybe if i don't feel i can't get hurt? or i'm just taking the passive agressive route. (most likely). i feel like sometimes i'm no fun anymore.. unless i'm super comfortable with you and i really like you - you don't get the real me. you get half enthused me. i don't know what to say, don't get excited about stuff, can express emotions. it's really strange. sometimes i feel like a shell of myself around certain people. i can't really explain it, or maybe i just don't care to, but i'm a lot worse at trying to fake emotions than i used to - and i wasn't even good at it before. maybe with more sleep i'll return to not zombie. (tonight is not a good starting point though.) haha.

okay. bed. bye.

apparently i give into pressure way too easily. and i think i make really hasty decisions. they usually end up okay... but i'm a big "what if" girl... which sucks. because what ifs are useless.

for the past 6 or 7 weeks i have been busting my ass to learn new stuff, hit the ground running and learn a new arena of job. it's been stressful, exhausting, and super busy, and i'm never home anymore and sometimes i want to cry or maim people. i felt like .. in the end i wouldn't do it again.. and that was my decision. there had been talks of opportunities of the afterwards, and you always think what your next step is gonna be... so in a sense - that's what got me through it. yesterday.. i got presented with the opportunity i wanted... the next step. but the next step is a lot earlier than i intended... and that means bailing on this project and leaving it behind. for 2 years all i ever wanted was to be on a show, be in production, and i did my stint, and now i'm leaving - but now i'm kind of amiss. i had less than 24 hours to make a decision, and while overall i made the right one, i wonder if i could have made a better choice, because you usually always can. i'm a little bummed that i won't be wrapping the show... so that i could say "i did that" or be able to fully celebrate the comradery and share in the torture/experience of enduring the completion of the task. i get my "life" back and my hours won't be as long and it won't be as agonizing.. but i also committed myself to a lengthy span of time.. and then when i'm a little older will i want to subject myself the pain of production again? maybe not. i know it's stupid of me to think "what if" and i can't really change it. things are in motion to make all the changes - so it seems silly of me to waffle now. it's not that i don't want to take the next step, but it would have been nice to be able to finish this step first. i know on a saturday or sunday when i don't have to go in.. i'll be a little thankful, or i might even say "aww.. i miss it"... but if i had stayed, on those saturdays and sundays i would have been cursing myself. i get three saturdays back, probably a few sundays, all of my weeknights, 3 less WSR's to worry about, 9 less client reviews to stress over... which all sound great to me, but looking back i realize more that it'd probably be pretty great to cross the finish line...

(funny enough - this is right above the post where i say how much i hate my job.. hahahah)

i need to leave work so badly it's not even funny. i can not stand being here anymore!! i'm sooooo exhausted and i amd just staring at the multimillions of emails that i have and need to sort through in order to find the 3 that i need in order to do my job. i got this new ergonomic chair that is supposedly $800.. i don't really like it.. it kind of makes.. welll.. everything hurt. maybe i'm so used to sitting the "wrong" way that when i sit the "right" way it's not good. who knows. i've been staring at my computer for 12 hours a day 5-6 days a week and i think i'm going blind or cross eyed. i can't even think about all the stuff i have to do because i think my brain is starting to melt. i had all these plans this week of stuff that i was going to do, and now i don't want to do any of them because just lying in my bed sounds really good. just lying there. doing nothing. maybe sleeping. who knows. i think it's a slump... maybe it comes around this time of year.. or i have a time frame before things really kick in. i think last week and the week before i didn't have time to think about things, and now that i have an eensy bit of time, or i've allowed myself the time to think, it makes me not want to do anything else. sounds awful i know.. and maybe someone will read this and get me fired... but they know it's not true. it's just a small rant to relieve the stress that we all need. i will finish my job, i will kick ass, and maybe i'll be masochistic enough to do it again. maybe, maybe not. but i really need a good "break" or a good "something" (i say something because the usual things that use to get me through have become somewhat additional stress.. so i don't know what is the cure anymore) to re-energize me because i'm starting to feel it... feeling the burn.. and it's not fun.

wow blog.. it's been a long time. lo siento. it's a combination of myspace and having no time period. i've moved into a new position where i've been averaging 70 hours a week over 6 days. yea.. that's right.. 6 days.. i get to work saturdays now. awesome. i don't have to work every saturday just yet - but it might come soon. we'll see. it's busy, it's different and it's what i wanted, or what i thought i wanted. the verdict is still out though. the thought of possibility keeps me in it. that and my contract. hahha.

i shouldn't stay up too long. i'm pretty exhausted from working and uhh.. not sleeping. not my fault though. i woke up at 3am and kept going in and out of sleep until 7am or so. it was annoying. today i was a zombie, but i was actually pretty productive. probably because i was too tired to goof off.

things are okay. here and there... luckily i don't have a lot of time to spend dwelling on it, although sometimes i do, which is lame. i was reading some old posts and you realize how much changes over time.. so while things seem retarded now - a year from now i'll look back and realize how silly it all is... at least i hope that's the case right?

my laptop hard drive died - so i lost almost all my pictures. i shared some with my roommate and my sister - so hopefully i can recover those. i bought a new fancy harddrive - the one i really wanted - so maybe it'll kick start me into editing again as well as hoping that i am better about backup my info.

oh.. and i started actually watching my 90210 dvd's... i never realized how bad that show actually is.. but that's a whole other blog. dylan mckay is still pretty dreamy though. ahahah.

guess that's it for my right now.. although i would like to say my nephew is the cutest ever...


and congratulations to carlene & sonny, as well as sakura & jimmy. they're gonna get hitched!! crazy! but in the awesome good way. i can't believe i'm approaching the age where you start going to tons of weddings cuz everyone's getting married. yikes.. does that mean i'm old? hhahah. grown up? maybe just my friends, not me though.. i'm not getting married anytime soon. hahha.

well.. one last thing before i go to bed. okay two. i probably will be blogging more.. i think i might be getting a little tired of the myspace blogging world. shocker i know. we'll see. depends on what i want to write about. myspace was always for stupid silly things.. and i just hadn't felt like writing about anything real for awhile.. not that this is "real." hahha.. and two: this is a little exaggerated, but i like it.

Know all about
About your reputation
And how it's bound to be a heartbreak situation
But I can't help it if I'm helpless
every time that i'm where you are
You walk in and my strength walks out the door
Say my name and I can't fight it anymore
Oh I know, I should go
But I need your touch just too damn much
Loving you isn't really something I should do
Shouldn't wanna spend my time with you, yeah
Well I should try to be strong
But baby you're the right kind of wrong
Yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong
it Might be a mistake
A mistake I'm making
But what you're giving I am happy to be taking
Cause no one's ever made me feel
The way I feel when i'm in your arms
They say you're something I should do without
They don't know what goes on
When the lights go out
There's no way to explain
All the pleasure is worth all the pain
Loving you isn't really something I should do yeahey.
Shouldn't wanna spend my time with you
Well I should try to be strong
But baby you're the right kind of wrong
Yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong
I should try to run
But I just can't seem to
Cause every time I run you're the one I run to
Can't do without, what you do to me
I don't care if I'm in too deep
Know all about
About your reputation
And how its' bound to be a heartbreak situation
But I can't help it if I'm helpless
Every time that I'm where you are
You walk in and my strength walks out the door
Say my name and I can't fight it anymore
Oh I know I should go
But I need your touch just too damn much
Loving you isn't really something I should do, not something i shouldn't do
Shouldn't wanna spend my time with you
Well I should try to be strong, i should try to be strong
But baby you're the right kind of wrong, right kind of wrong
Yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong,
baby you're the right kind of wrong,
yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong.