i really should be sleeping, but i'm not. haha.. surprise, surprise. i REALLY was trying to be good because tomorrow (err.. today) is the first day of my new job. so i HAVE to be on time, and i should probably be all perky and refreshed, not groggy and sad. but i think i'm also not stressing out because the crew i'm working with isn't in the office until wednesday, so a little less stressful while trying to get situated.

anyways.. last friday (the 13th!!) was my last day at old job. my last day was originally going to be a tuesday, so that extra few days were kind of like cake, has i had already mentally checked out four months ago.. err.. i mean a week or two earlier. haha.. uhh what? just kidding. anyways.. while i'm not going to post the pictures of the lunch of the after work mayhem, i did make sort of a little photo archive of some "last day things"... these seem to work better for me than words.

my last bagel wednesday (with my own egg salad, but "community" tomatoes!) and a very kind and thoughtful breakfast present from vala: cheddar bacon scones from three square. they're SUPER scrumptious. (yea.. i don't normally use words like that. they MUST be good.)

my shrine from/of(?) drawings that vinnie had left me. (before he got the can.. haha).. i just kept them up at my desk for decoration and for fun. my final timecard that i submitted friday morning. and my last day notification email that the coordinators send out to tell the necessary people that you're leaving so they can deactivate you in the system. there's a section that says "reason for leaving" and the "resignation" part of it jumps out at me.

after i sent out my "bummer" email, and i logged out, this kind of hit me because it would be the last time i was logging out. not "really" true because i vpn'ed in tonight to check out an email reply or two. but my (really loud) work computer seemed a little sad as i was logging out of it for the last time. the screen fades to black and white, and it asks me if i really want to log out. almost as a metaphor asking me if i really know what i'm doing.

some more desk decoration. in additional to the bubble bottle wrappers we had for racer, dre and i went to szechwan for lunch one day and we got these fortune cookies. i thought they were really cute as a pair and really were meant for us as us finding each other. (aww.. so cute.. barf.) anyhoo, i left them at my desk for the next person to find. or just to have andrea miss me. although she probably doesn't think as much about these fortunes as i do. cuz i'm a dork. my "last" time at the firehouse. i might end up there again. but it's different going there as someone not from DD. i think it means a little less. and it's a little weird to be thinking that i won't be going there so frequently again. oh firehouse, i'll miss walking past you and giggling every time i see the logo that served as the backdrop for erotic photo hunt.

GEEZ. who knew that i was such an emotional sap. i'm so lame. you'd think that i really didn't want to leave or something, even though at time in the past 4 months (and even a little in the past year) i was kind of miserable. and i was a little sad when i looked at a production schedule of a show i really wanted to work on, and saw the expansion and knew that one of those slots could have been my name. BOO. but i also have to keep thinking that this is for the best. you know how they say that the grass is greener on the other side? this might be one of those things. i broke free, but i realized that what i had might not have been so bad. of course, it's just my comfort zone, and my feeling of familiarity, and i'll just have to get over it. but it was nice while it lasted. and it was such a huge part of my life. and it's also nice to get those emails telling me that i'm already missed, and hearing that people weren't happy that i was leaving. partially because i am a greedy attention whore, and partially because it's nice to know that people appreciate you, especially when you think that you're not really that big of a deal. it's nice to know that sometimes, you kind of are.

okay.. enough sappy crap. want to read something that will make you laugh?

haha.. so there's this person at work who i'd always thought was interesting and with me leaving and what not, it's almost like a do or die situation. you only have so many days left to talk/hang out with said person. so.. i'm kind of lame when it comes to the opposite sex. much like my humor, my flirting skills are that of a 12 year old boy. they suck. so.. awhile back i had asked for a can of tuna from mr. healthy, and i figured in my last week, it'd be a nice/cute/endearing/are we gonna make babies? gesture to give him a can back. it was an excuse to talk to him basically. we chatted, and he gave me back yet another can of tuna, and i jokingly asked him to sign it. so.. not that i'm coveting this can or anything.. but it just makes me laugh. because it reminds me of the beginning of felicity, where she's just staring at ben who she's watched FOREVER and just wanting to talking to him and it's another do or die situation. and secretly ... maybe i was hoping he's write his phone number on it, or some really great message. i think it really makes me laugh, because maybe i contemplated writing on the initial can of tuna, the same message than ben wrote felicity's yearbook. i mean.. if i got that from him that might just be crazy. but my daydreams are a little ridiculous.

Dear FelicityJean,

Here it goes. I watched you for four years, always wondered what you were like, and what was going on in your mind all that time when you were so quiet, just thinking. Drawing in your notebook. I should've just asked you, but I never asked you. So now, four years later, I don't even know you. But I admire you. Well, that makes me sound crazy, but I'm okay with that. So take care of yourself.

Love,
BenTuna Can Guy

P.S. I would've said, "Keep in touch," but unfortunately, we were never in touch.

yup, definitely time for bed now.

so i think i've officially given up trying to post about seattle. i can't blog or recap things quite like i used to. it's a combination of being lazy and busy. or at least that's what i tell myself. plus - you always want it to be really good - and i don't have the time or energy for really good sometimes. anyhoo. you can re-live through my pictures of trip1 and trip2. most people have probably seen these already since there's like 3 people who read my blog now (i used to have soooo many fans.. :P) but i'm okay with that. my dad used to read it a lot, and i used to gripe about family stuff a lot. the other day we were talking about my sister's blog, and he asked me how my blog was doing. i quickly tried to scan in my brain to see if i had posted anything embarrassing , but i think i'm okay. plus.. i don't think he's really gonna check it. are you? daddy? are you reading this? haha.

so really.. i wanted to blog to whine. i'm not really doing so well. last tuesday i woke up with this weird lower back pain - but it was kind of minor, so i just muscled through it. it proceeded to get worse, so on wednesday i went to the chiropractor. he told me i torqued my pelvis. yea.. sounds bad. well.. sounds like i did something "fun" - but i didn't. not in the least. too bad. hah. (dad.. are you actually reading this?) i went to the chiropractor again on friday, and it kind of feels less hurty sometimes, but it's kind of always there. mostly in pain when i have to stand up or sit down (the contracting/motion of my lower back) - but now it's gotten to be worse i think, and there's a dull pain when i'm just sitting. and it's starting to radiate into my left leg and arm. boo! what if i'm dying? or becoming paralyzed. uGH. i moved my chiropractor appt from tomorrow to today, and we'll see what he has to say to me. he'll probably chastise me more for not exercising, but i swear that i can't really move much - how am i supposed to exercise? but he's probably right - i walked (sort of speedily) for 30 minutes yesterday, and felt better... but then i went home and sat and probably effed it all up, because, today, i want to cry. :(

i feel like a old lady/pregnant lady (one of the two, not both) because i have a hard time standing up or moving, and i have to use my arms a lot to hoist myself up since my lower back's motion is pretty limited. poop. it's pretty amusing if you're hanging around me a lot to see how gimpy/broken i am. i'm hoping it won't affect my new job next week.. cuz that's gonna suck. i'm supposed to be top notch and i'm all broken! BOO.

this makes me feel a little better though, i like my friends:

De: why are you sore
jean: i torqued my pelvis or something.. i dunno.. but it affects my whole lower back and kind of sucks.. i feel like an old lady
De: i thought that you did hook up with that dude
De: wow he put it on you good enough to torque a pelvis
jean: har har har
jean: i wish.
De: haha
De: now you wish
De: what a perv
jean: well.. if i'm going to be in this much pain - i at least wish i did something fun to deserve it
jean: but i just woke up and it was like this.
De: wow

so this is why you don't leave me alone and bored for 2 weeks while you go to hawaii.

so there's always the thing where you prank someone's office when they leave for a substantial vacation. only recently have we started doing that at our work. i think it's mostly a tradition that got brought in with the "new additions" to the company. which is kind of ironic, but that's another story. anyways.. i stole this idea of an office prank from someone else, but i fully executed it. since he shares his office, i could only do half, but it's okay.. because his desk, phone, chair, toys.. they're in the streamer forest somewhere.

just so you don't think i'm a total slacker - i did decorate and organize a few things.. so you know.. the me organizing your office does come at a certain price.

i did it all by myself.. i had waaay too much time on my hands. and i feel a tiny tinge of guilty only because my boss is going to have to catch up on 2 weeks worth of stuff, and not be able to just come in and do it. oops. i don't know if i would have did this to my old boss - he probably would have not been too happy. but my current (soon to be ex!.. yikes!) boss will enjoy this. i hope. haha.

so yea.. this is my last week at work. crazy. tomorrow's my last monday. weird.

so it's day -1 at new job. i don't officially start until the 16th - but they're going on a shoot next week and wanted to me to get lay of the land today.

it's daunting to come into a new environment. while i'm on a lot, i'm not really an employee of the lot, and that's weird to me too. it's hard not knowing where everything is already, but i'm sure i'll have a few days to poke around... maybe. hopefully i get a tour. and i heard there's a gym on the lot - maybe i'll use it. maybe.

there are pros and cons to everything. (note: these really are minor things and meant to be for your amusement only.) i'm gonna have to get used to washing my own dishes and possibly making pots of coffee myself. although the fridge is stocked way better, and i can eat pretty much anything in it without someone sending angry emails to "life" about how their food got stolen. i also got lunch provided for me today, so score 1 point for new job. i also sat through a session and took notes, which isn't the funnest, but could be educational. plus i'll get to hear sexy british accents during conference calls.

i was a little freaked out this morning, but i think that it's gonna be okay. i got my new ID badge (still awful) and a parking sticker. this will be good. and if not (but it will!), it's for 5 months. i can deal for 5 months right? or it might just be the best thing that happened to me... check me out in november :P

so last week at lunch with my daddy, i got this in my fortune cookie. (in which i totally used my method for selecting fortune cookies) and while i don't really believe in fortune cookies or horoscopes or stuff that foresee the future, sometimes i think part of me has a little hope. my dad got something that he said should be mine, but it wasn't this, so i was like "no, this is my fortune."

so.. i guess it kind of worked, cuz i have a new job. i haven't told a lot of people, but no one really reads this blog, and i already told my boss - so i'm safe to blog about it. :) i'm going to be working in the same field, sort of, but on the client side instead of the vendor side. so i think that hopefully it'll will a step towards the direction that i eventually want my career to move in to, or else i will decide that i don't like it, and be able to find that new career path.

i'm kind of excited, but i'm also kind of freaked out. it's my first "career" move. i will have been at my current company for 3 years 6 months and 1 week. that's kind of a long time, it'll be a big change. i've left working at jobs before, but never a career job - the gap, hockey scorekeeping, china inn, the temp job. but each time i was leaving for something that i had to leave for, or something that was definitely bigger and better, or something that was a "real" job. i've never had to leave a "real" job before... and it's weird. especially since i'm going to be doing what is basically considered a freelance position. i know that "change is good", but sometimes i don't like change. especially when it seems like what you're going towards is instability. i know i'll be fine, and i'm like 97% positive that this is a great thing for me. but like everything else, i'm always really cautious.

so long rambling cut short, i start my new job on the 11th. crazy.. cross your fingers for me. i'm taking a pay cut, so i might not be able to go out as much, but i should be trying to tone it down anyways. so maybe it's a blessing in disguise. that is if i don't get evicted for not being able to pay rent. hah.

save me i'm lost
oh lord i've been waiting for you
i'll pay any cost
save me from being confused
show me what i'm looking for
show me what i'm looking for

one more thing. today at lunch, we were talking about the differences between living with guys and girls. and we got into this thing where guys will punch each other and be fine. and girls hold grudges. admittedly.. i can be that girl. i try not to be, but i think consequentially, in me trying not to be that girl, i end up becoming that girl. because i don't like to talk things out, and i just like to get over them on my "own time", then end up festering and just kind of simmering.

anyways.. point of the story is that last week my dad did something to make me kind of upset. and while it was not a big eal. it was just kind of ridiculous. it made me not really want to hang out with him.. nor take him to see speed racer as i had wanted to. he didn't really seem to care that much - it's not like it was a big deal to him, but i just get kind of irritated when i had to call him today. and when i had to see him, i just get easily annoyed. this is why you don't let things fester, because they still bother you. but anyways. although my dad hasn't called me since then (this is also where i get my passive agressive non confrontational non communicative nature), he brought me a sandwich bag full of sliced apples and asian pears. then that made me feel bad. i'm still kind of annoyed, but it amazed me that somehow people can just forgive and forget so easily. and that people will tend to love you and do nice things for you, even when situations get awkward. maybe this is also where i get my "too nice" tendencies from as well. i feel like a brat, because sometimes i take things out on the who love me the most, because.. i can? i don't know. and then i get mad at them so easily because i hold them to a higher standard. how does that make sense?

please tell me it's not just me that that's screwed up. i'm pretty sure it's not just me, but i just need some affirmation.

nothing good ever happens after 2am

okay.. i'm not really getting into that much trouble. just sitting on the internet, and watching tv. althought it is 2:47am and i'm supposed to be in south central at 7am to draw out a mural, then going to work to make sure a lunch goes off as planned, and then maybe a birthday celebration or two, before i pass out and die. okay.. not die, but tomorrow might have to be a 5 shot espresso day. and dre's not going to be around to be there and partake. so i might have to abstain.

i don't know why i'm not sleeping... it's not like i got a ton of sleep in these past couple days. i mean.. not like i haven't been getting sleep, just not tons. i wake up tired, today my eyes were puffy - that wasn't fun. i think i'm allergic to my eye cream.

anyhoo.. i've been kind of antisocial lately. mostly at work, i think it's my new desk, i face a wall, i don't like to talk to people anymore, my computer is my friend... sort of, and ... people suck. haha. so to anyone i've been blowing off - mostly one or two in particular. i'm sorry. it's not you, it's me, there's just... nothing to say.

can i say something about change? right now, i'm really kind of inviting it into my life, or i'm wanting to. i want it to come, sweep me off my feet and take me away. how much i'm actually letting it in, is a different story. i'm not really a huge fan of change, unless i know the outcome. another thing i was thinking about tonight was change on behalf of someone else. it can be good, but it can also be bad. and it's weird that you let people affect your lives so much. and when you're willing to let people affect you, and when you're not. i guess it's all timing, it depends on how you feel at a certain moment, how much you're willing to take. i also wonder why you're so willing to let some people change you, but not others. or why let people change you at all? i guess that's not really my call to make, and i've probably most definitely done it a few times too. nothing drastic, most probably gradual, but hopefully almost always for the better. i still hate change.

i definitely let people affect me too much. i'm also kind of touchy sometimes, and also pretty stubborn. and have way too much pride. sometimes i think i trip over it sometimes. but in the end, that's a good thing right. sometimes i feel like i have to push myself out of my comfort zone. and then other times i think that if it's meant to be, it'll happen. is that a load of crap? it might be.

k.. i should probably try to get like 2.5 hours of sleep or something. tomorrow will be a good day... err.. today.

ps. JT... soo sexy. thank you HBO.

it's 18 minutes to quittin' time here .. and i'd really like to leave. despite the fact that i've done almost nothing all day (i actually had a few items of work to do :P) i feel a tad bit guilty about leaving before 7... even if it is just to go next door. is it sheer lazyness? i don't want to get up and walk out to my car until i absolutely have to? is the draw of the internet just that strong... i can internet at home... but it's so much more appealing to do it at my desk here. i don't know.. i don't really get it - but i figured i'll spend a little time being production in an unproductive way.

okay.. i'm fine with leaving 9 minutes early, or i just don't care. actually.. it's really that i don't want to update my blog without pictures - so i can be as unproductively productive as i'd like to be. maybe this weekend!

i'm an aunt! (again). my second nephew, brandon, was born in taiwan on april 28.. i think maybe about 3am.. but i'll have to confirm that. anyways.. maybe i'll put up some pictures when i get some.. but it was pretty exciting to get that 1am call since i can't be there.

i knew i should have quit my job and moved to taiwan :P

yay baby!

sorry no seattle post.. sometimes the more intense things that require more attention take me longer.. and i put off more.

soooo... just a few thoughts. hmm. well.. i guess just one that this is about.

did you ever see good luck chuck? where dane cook is "cursed" that the every girl he dates, she'll marry the next guy she dates. i've been feeling a little like that lately. sort of.. i mean without the actual dating part :P (does that make sense?) okay.. let me explain. the last 3 of 4 guys that i've liked are dating now. #2 and #3 are in really serious, now long term relationships. and they seem really invested and really happy. #4 might be on his way? who knows? #1.. i don't know too much about his personal life. i think he's dated a few girls, nothing super serious though. hmm. i mean. yea.. people move on, it happens, it's not a big deal. but these are also relationships that started pretty much while we were still hanging out, or while i still really liked them. i mean, yea, i know.. i don't let go of things well - but really sort of too close for comfort. i mean.. i never really actually dated any of these people, and #1 and #2 were really probably more crushes more on my part. but still. i don't know how to transition from "hanging out" to "relationship" or even "dating" really. i might be able to settle for that at first. haha.. but i guess it always seems like someone beats me to the punch, or guys move on or find something better? okay. not better.. but better for them? a lot of times i wonder if that's what they always wanted? or if it was mine to lose and i lost it because i was flippant or seemed like i was disinterested. it's seriously starting to be a pattern? really? ugh. not silent g-h. UGH.

i'm not really "upset" or crying over this (at least at the current moment). just a lot of reflection on patterns, and current events, and how they relate to the past. it's interesting. oddly, i'm the kind of person who likes to know everything.. good or bad. if someone's talking shit about, i wanna hear, i wanna know, even if so i can set things straight, or know what to change about myself so that people don't say such things. when things happen, i want to know all the backstory, your end, my end, events leading up, every single detail. i overanalyze, i think way too much, and then some. just a lot of looking into stuff, a lot of what ifs. i might not really ever know the actual truth. but i think (or at least i hope right?!) that when it's right it'll happen. i'll break out of my shell, or someone will recognize and match well with my quirkish habits. there's a lot of "wrong" tries out there, and it's not necessarily to go through all of them all the way, or you just need to recognize what's a wrong fit i guess. (is that my version of he's just not that into you?) hmm.. but it's always a little demoralizing to not get picked and you want to say "why not me?! i'm awesomer than that!" but if you know who you are, it's okay eh?

meh.

<3

i'm rockin!

What a waste of time, the thought crossed my mind

But I never missed a beat
Can’t explain the who or what I was
Trying to believe
What would you do?
What would you do?
Do you know?
I once had a grip on everything
It feels better to let go

I’m not over
I’m not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You’re not that easy to forget
I’m not over

Never took the chance, could’ve jump the fence
I was scared of my own two feet
Couldn’t cross the line, it was black and white
No contrast to be seen
What would you do?
What would you do?
Do you know?
Was it all a joke, never had control
I’m not better on my own

I’m not over
I’m not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You’re not that easy to forget
I’m not over

What a waste of time
The thought crossed my mind
Can’t explain this thing, or what I mean
I’m trying to let go

I’m not over
I’m not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You’re not that easy to forget
I’m not over

I'm Not Over ~ Carolina Liar

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say [x8]

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only ...

Say what you need to say [x8]

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say [x24]

Say ~ John Mayer

so i'm back from seattle. the packing when okay, and even though i brought my very large bag, i wore almost everything i brought with the except of one shirt, jacket and pair of shoes (went together obviously). and that's because we didn't have time for me to go home and shower and change, but i fully intended on wearing them. i also brought such a large bag because nicole told me she was checking a bag - i figured.. hey.. i'll check bag and bring everything i need.. and maybe a little more. whatever.. i'm a notorious overpacker. i'm also a packrat. what do you expect?

the seattle blog will probably have to wait a little bit. it's one of those posts that requires, thought and effort and picking what pictures i want to showcase. and then including links of all the places i went.. you know.. one of those. but i felt the need to blog, so just a quick update - although i'm really supposed to be sleeping.

seattle was fun, and it kind of made me realize that my life really needs a change. it's pretty effing dull right now. i do the same boring crap all the time, worry about stupid lame stuff that isn't worth it, and while i make a half ass attempt at changing - my apathy gets the best of me. only because i'm either too scared to make the change, too "comfortable" with where i am, or not really sure which direction i'm supposed to go. the answer really is all of the above. i really almost didn't come back from seattle - the one thing that made me come back was that angelee is coming on wednesday. maybe she will help me re-find my LA love. she's hating her city and needs to get out, apparently my trap is her escape. hahah.. is this the mid-twenties life crisis?

another thing that's been weighing on me is my relations with people. not with people i know.. well sometimes.. but also (or mostly) new people. people have said that "i make friends so easily" .. or that it seems like it's easy for me to meet people - and while it sort of is, being actual friends with them is different. i didn't think that i have walls, but maybe i do. my walls protect me from getting rejected i think. or err on the side of looking stupid, because i judge other people so harshly, i apply those same standards to myself. i really don't think that i can get away with saying or doing certain things. or maybe i'm just lazy in that aspect too. i can respond to people's efforts, but i don't really make much of my own. i do, a little, but in a lot of circumstances, i just go with the flow. this backfires when other people don't want to make an effort because they think they'll get rejected? or maybe they don't care that much either? or the think i don't want to. i didn't really start worrying about this, until i realized that it's kind of a pattern. it makes me almost feel like i'm doomed for life. or until at least i learn, which is forever from now. this weirds me out though, because i find myself doing odd things, in order to compensate for other things, or i wonder if that's it. but when i see other people doing it, i realize that it's wrong. but i still can't help myself. this is closely related to my other post about the game and my lack of knowledge for participating in it. not only "game" wise, but people wise.

i'm confused. i'm sad. i'm weird.

so.. in 8 hours or so, i'm leaving for seattle. i haven't packed. haha. instead.. i'm watching girlicious and blogging and sort of thinking about packing. i washed all my clothes today, about 4 loads or so, and put it all away.. (that's a first.. usually i let it sit all folded in baskets for a little while). heh. it's kind of throwing me off, i'm told to bring clothes for cold rainy weather. but it's gonna be like 70 degrees out tomorrow! i don't think i even know where my umbrella is. it's lost somehwere. all 3 of them. oops. i hate packing. hate hate hate it. i'm putting off everything until the last minute. i know i'm gonna run out of time tomorrow... especially since you know i'm not going to wake up early. please. i can't even wake up early for work, am i gonna wake up early to pack? i guess i have to huh? haha.

i'm excited about seattle though, because i think it'll be like a "real" mini vacation. it'll be so different, which i am really looking forward to. funny, angelee is coming down next week to get out of SF and to super LA things, and i'm her tour guide. but i just really want to get out of LA. well, maybe it's not LA, just the current situations. it's got me all bothered, and i can't necessarily focus. which sounds dumb because that's when you really need to pull together and focus, but i can't. i'm hoping for a change soon... we'll see. cross your fingers, but i definitely am not counting any eggs before they hatch. just hoping. meanwhile, seattle will be great. i'm going to eat at the top of the space needle! haha.. i haven't gotten to eat at encounter, i wonder if it will pale in comparison to the space needle once i finally do.

i know these lyrics aren't meaningful by any sort, but i'm also all about catchy. and how i can relate to "real" emotion (such as the hills...) shows like that, and songs from groups like girlicious or pussycat dolls help satisfy the stupid girly part of me that i let come out every once in awhile. publicly at least, it's kind of ALWAYS there, i beat it down a lot. lately it's been more often ... and it's kind of disturbing. but this helps me out.. i wonder when their actual singles and cd's are going to come out. hah. also, i think i'm taking these lyrics out of context.. but that's okay too.

Keep trippin'
I don't wanna keep slippin'
I don't wanna be bitchin'
I think I might as well leave you alone!

so, despite the fact that i'm pretty broke nowadays, i went shopping on sunday. it was a total accidental shopping trip, and i didn't really buy anything i "need". i went to lunch with the fam @ hometown buffet (mmm...) and my mom wanted to go to macy's to check a few things out. i did pretty well, except when we were leaving i saw a dress (the turquoise one) and thought it was way cute. and then that transitioned into a few hours of looking at dresses and clothes. sweet. so, despite the fact that i'm pretty broke nowadays, i went shopping on sunday. it was a total accidental shopping trip, and i didn't really buy anything i "need". i went to lunch with the fam @ hometown buffet (mmm...) and my mom wanted to go to macy's to check a few things out. i did pretty well, except when we were leaving i saw a dress (the turquoise one) and thought it was way cute. and then that transitioned into a few hours of looking at dresses and clothes. sweet. a few hours later i walked out of macy's with 3 dresses, a jacket, a hoodie and 2 necklaces. the lady who rung me up asked me if i was an only child (because my mom was paying for the stuff on her macy's card so we could get an extra 20% off) and if i was going to prom. haha. that's the second time that week that someone thought i was 18. don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
so, despite the fact that i'm pretty broke nowadays, i went shopping on sunday. it was a total accidental shopping trip, and i didn't really buy anything i "need". i went to lunch with the fam @ hometown buffet (mmm...) and my mom wanted to go to macy's to check a few things out. i did pretty well, except when we were leaving i saw a dress (the turquoise one) and thought it was way cute. and then that transitioned into a few hours of looking at dresses and clothes. sweet. a few hours later i walked out of macy's with 3 dresses, a jacket, a hoodie and 2 necklaces. the lady who rung me up asked me if i was an only child (because my mom was paying for the stuff on her macy's card so we could get an extra 20% off) and if i was going to prom. haha. that's the second time that week that someone thought i was 18. don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

then i went to target because there was a few things i needed. another hour or so later, i end up with some more stuff, including 2 pairs of shoes and a purse. to be fair, this purse i had been coveting for awhile, and now it was on clearance. i almost bought another purse that was new and full price, but i figured i should probably wait.

i've been slowly breaking out the new items. i have this weird rule about only wearing 1 new item at a time.. like to spread out the newness. although that only applies to things i can wear to work. i'm pretty sure if i wore any of those dresses to work, people would think i was crazy. and.. as a segue, i have NO where special to wear these dresses. i don't need them or anything, but like to have them just in case. there are 2 weddings that i think i'm invited to, but those aren't until the fall or the winter. so... if you have any special events you need a date to... call me up!

lately, people have been on the frustrating side of the scale. my patience and tolerance is limited these days, and while i never really say anything, i just kind of nod and smile and try to find the quickest way to exit the conversation. i'm not really a fighter (nor am i a lover.. so where does that leave me? har har..) only because it's usually pointless to argue with people because they don't listen, so it's a waste of time. if i'm arguing with you, feel privileged, because that means i think you're actually sensible enough to try to reason with.

on top of normal people - there's customer service people. sometimes.. they are the worst. i've been coveting these banana shoes for awhile, and during a third street stroll yesterday, i remembered that i really wanted them. and! i was hoping that they were further reduced. they didn't have them in the store on the promenade, so i came back and checked online, and they were cheaper than before! score! i called a few stores to try and find them, and had to put them on hold at two different places. i called the century city store (ironically, where i first saw them) and it was the worst customer service experience i've had in awhile. i called, and this lady put me on hold foorevvveerrr. and then this dude picks up.

me: do you have the alisha open toe rouched mid-heel sling back in smoke?
BRguy: (kind of confused) umm. okay.... do you have a style number?
me: no i'm looking at your website, and you guys don't list style numbers
BRguy: ok...
(a minute later)
BRguy: so i only have it in gold
me: it doesn't come in gold, only smoke and silver
BRguy: it's a thong sandal right?
me: no. it's an OPEN TOE shoe that has a half heel. it's kind of gathered in the front. only comes in smoke and silver.
BRguy: the elisa right? that's what i have in front of me..
me: no. the A-li-SHa - a-l-i-s-h-a
BRguy: but it's not a sandal?
me: no. it's a heel.
BRguy: i don't think we carry that in our store
me: but i've seen it in your store before
BRguy: then i don't know what you're talking about
me: umm..
BRguy: what i have here is the elisa, there's also the elizabeth and the emily, and that's all i have for the e's.
me: no. alisha. A-l-i-s-h-a
BRguy: oh... A.. yea we have that.

ohmygod. and plus - when i went there it was $79.99 in the store, and $59.99 online. lame! but i couldn't just order it online, cuz i needed to know what size. plus i want them for saturday. so i'm going to do some double buying/returning. cool.

today at lunch i was told that i seem to be a nexus of drama. that i secretly love it, and that i'm drawn to it, and i thrive on it. i don't think that's true. i mean... maybe it seems like i have more drama in my life than others - or maybe i just point it out more. i find it because things are so simple to me, and i don't understand why things are so complicated, and that's how the drama arises. maybe people bring their drama to me because i seem like i care, and i seem nice, so i become a sounding board/therapist/sanity check for people. so it's like i'm too nice right? then why does everyone at work think i'm a bitch? because i point out your flaws? because i want things done right? (and by right.. i mean my way.) haha.. oh well. i really don't try to find it, i don't. i don't even really enjoy it. not like ice cream. i enjoy that. if i could trade all my drama for ice cream, i'd be like 600 lbs. ooh. and then i could work from home like homer simpson.

okay.. enough day dreaming... back to uhhh.. work.

so i got this in my email today. i had kind of sort of forgotten that i had applied to this one late night while being fed up with my job. but i've always wanted to do something like this, and i always feel like when it comes to chinese things i should have an "in". hahah. like when i'm watching the amazing and they go to taiwan, i'm always like "man! i would rule this leg!" except i'm atrocious at directions and would totally get lost. if i ever go on it, or even try out, i'd need someone who's REALLY good at getting places where they don't know where they're going. i could do the challenges, but finding where to go.. yeaaaa.. not so much. anyways. so yea. i feel like college admission again or something. i'm waiting to hear back.. kind of nervous, cuz i really want it. how awesome would that be?! seriously.

so.. i'm on the job hunt again. it kind of slowed down a little, and i got some, well one, good prospect, but it ended up not panning out. kind of sad about it, but also kind of... okay with it. it would have been a great opportunity, but almost like starting over. which i was prepared to do, but maybe it isn't the right time to at the current moment. there was a lot of things i'd be walking away from, and while i was ready to do so, a lot of things would be hard because of it. so... in the end, maybe it wasn't "right" (see previous post.. haha.) so yea.. if you hear anything.. let me know!

so i'm sick again. yuk. at first i was hoping that it was just allergies to a cat, but now i'm full blown coughing, congested, phlegm filled, sore and achyness. awesome. my stomach and chest hurt so much from coughing so much. bleh.

nothing's been making me feel better... except for eating. although i haven't really felt like eating a lot. (sad! i know!) except my stomach has been growling - which i guess does mean that i'm hungry. i guess i just can't decide what i want to eat. but i did jump all over dre's panda express that she brought in. (thanks! hope i didn't drool too much over your shoulder.)

so... lately.. i've come to the stark realization that i have NO idea how to play "the game." you always think that you have to play by "the rules" in order to get mr. right. hah! when i just looked up the book apparently there's a whole series! the rules, the rules II, ALL the rules, and the rules for online dating. maybe i should read those and get cracking! BUT.. that book (yes.. i borrowed it from nicole to check it out..) is all about being demure and letting the guy chase you and not chasing after guys. or something like that. somehow, those rules don't really work, unless you're ridiculously hot, or you're really good at playing the game already. it's very hard to find someone who's gonna make grand gestures or moves, but it seems to happen to a lot of people. so i don't know if i'm doing something wrong, or if i just haven't found the one. i realize that guys aren't as forthcoming as in the past or in books. they can get pretty shy. problem is: that i get a tad bit shy, i mean.. in terms of showing people i "like" them. i mean.. i've been told that i'm a "flirt".. which i don't believe at all. but if i were to believe this, it only applies to people i'm not interested in. because, when there is s person i'm interested in, i get all shy and lame. way lame. the funny, cute, sarcastic, dry humor in me turns to "oh yea?" "uh huh?" "oh, that's nice." i told you, lame. i also stay away from being overtly flirty so i don't chance getting rejected, or looking like a whore. i know that both of those happen, and just because you act a little interested, doesn't mean you're a whore, but i can't shake that feeling. or the fear of rejection one. but i do think that i go the exact opposite and impression of "not interested." thus, me not knowing how to play "the game." i don't think that every guy is "mine to lose" but maybe certain ones are. and sometimes they'll go for the more agressive girls or the ones that show they are really interested, and that means a lot. i've been duped by the attention factor a few times. although this attitude doesn't help me in learning how to play "the game". maybe things will just fall into place when they're supposed to. sometimes i can be funny even when i'm interested. maybe. ugh. i just have to believe that things will happen when they're gonna happen, things aren't always what they seem they are, and going with your gut is sometimes a great decision. but do be clear that i do indeed follow the creed "don't hate the playa, hate the game". i do really really hate "the game".

i should probably go to bed now since it's midnight and i really was supposed to go to bed the second i got home. damn dvr.

here's a post from last friday that never got posted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

last hour of the work day - and all i really want to do is go home. now. things have slowed down significantly, and despite getting 10 hours of sleep and 2 cups of coffee today, i am EXHAUSTED. just really physically tired. i had a few late nights this week, and one super late night, and i think it's hitting me now. so much so that i'm not even sure i want to go out tonight. (oh.. such a tragedy.) i'm conflicted because it's friday night and it's one friend's last day, and another friend's birthday. going out always seems to be the "it" thing to do, and of course i want to hang out with my friends, but sitting on my couch in in my sweats is SO appealing. but i did manage to get all cute, and my hair is sort of behaving today (i spent enough damn time with it this morning), so i shouldn't waste the pretty, right?

speaking of cute. i'm wearing this gap shirt that i loved and don't wear as much anymore (i think because i think it's a little fancy). the shirt probably hates me though because i've gotten it SO dirty - and it's such a pretty little shirt. i spilled something on it way back and there was a light stain. then i spilled red wine on it while working at an event for work. and today i spilled chocolate ice cream cake on it. *sigh* i think sometimes i'm just not meant to have nice things.

i knew john mayer had a blog - i thought it was just off his official website or something... but this? he writes about his "personal" life. it makes me feel like we're friends... http://blog.honeyee.com/john/ i love you john mayer. i forget how much i love people sometimes. like jason mraz? LOVE him. totally forgot all about that. well.. not forgot, but it just didn't seem as strong. i remember the hey dey of my mraz obsessiveness where i'd be on the chat boards and making friends and going to all the concerts. and now i'm so far removed it, and from a lot of other things. hmm... funny how things change so much over time, and how things can seem so stagnant in present situations.

see. aren't these things soooooo cute. in the past recent days, my friends who are fans of all things color have been like "oh yea.. i wanted to get one too." yea.. you laughed when i wanted a pink razr. and laughed again when i lost it in vegas and was dying to get a new one but they were all sold out. but colored razrs are all the rage now, and dear angelee even owns a pink blackberry. (hahah.. won't be as cool as my pink iphone!) so colored cameras will be all the rage. i won't go as so far to get a pink SLR (if i ever get one) because that just seems tacky. but LOOK at those colored canons. even the brown. i seriously might need to have a backup camera or something. so. cute.

i've been at work for a little while.. and for the life of me, i can't think of anything to do. oh wait.. i just remembered some stuff i was supposed to send out.. okay.. i have a few things to do that will take me... ohhhh.. five seconds.

anyways...this morning i really did not want to get dressed this morning. i was standing there in my towel and wet hair and just laid back down in bed, wet hair an all. bleh. so much effort. i finally got dressed and made it to work, a tad bit earlier than usual (like 15 minutes) and was jazzed i beat the desk partner to work, until i realized she had a doctor appointment and wouldn't be in until lunch. damn. now i'm sitting here.. wondering what i can do all day. and just... staring. my mom and my aunt told me how lucky i was to have this job, with secure pay and benefits and it should be grand that i'm not that busy. unfortunately, this makes me even more sad. it's weird. i really dislike feeling this useless. you think i would love to surf the internet all day, unfortunately, i may have reached the end. or just don't want to seem like such a huge loaf at 10am on a monday morning.

either way.. here are some things i've been meaning to post about. some findings in my travels through the internet.

dre sent me this because i constantly gab about when i'm going to get my iphone (which is looking like june now :( ) and although i'm not a super girly girl, i can appreciate that sometimes things look really cute in pink. like my razr. and i recently discovered that they are making canon's in different colors. i almost ditched my less than one year old camera to my mom so i could buy the exact same one, but in pink. my mother yelled at me for that one, don't worry. anyhoo. although this is just a mock up, think about how cute it would really be if apple made them in pink. sooooo cute. this post says it might be an extra $300 - but would apple really do that? they made the nanos in different colors and they weren't extra. hmm. either way, i think i have to wait until june since they're coming out with a new version and so it seems silly to buy one now instead of wait. but that makes me saaaaaad.

so i initially thought that this was a joke. really.. how can something like this be true. i mean.. i guess i would lose a bunch of weight if i was only eating 4 cookies a day. but i would also be starving.

maybe these cookies are packed with enough stuff that you're not hungry - but i doubt it. i thought it was a spam add or something - but funny enough i was watching lipstick jungle and they made reference to it. weird. am i desperate enough to by 88 cookies for $99? i guess that's cheaper than buying mrs. field's cookies... but would 4 cookies a day plus dinner tide me over? i don't know man, especially when there's free philly cheesesteaks at work today. damn. but also on lipstick jungle the mentioned a prequel to harry potter by jk rowling. hmmmm.. i googled it breifly and found some links. there's an site and i guess you can download the book in pdf format to read. it's not really by jk, but rather written by some dude "based upon" jk's work. kind of a let down.. but could be interesting to read. fan stories aren't half bad sometimes - but definitely not the same as the real deal.

one last thing.. here's a banner ad that i found amusing.


would you click on this? sometimes i wonder what people think. but i guess if you really needed affirmation if you were dumb or not. there it is. although how sad would it be if you took an internet quiz and it was like "yup, you're dumb."

awesome.

one last bit of goodness.. conversation with my boss:
boss: did you have a good easter? did you find all your eggs?
me: i don't really celebrate easter. no eggs to find.
boss: what you do is put all the money in the eggs, get REALLY hammered and then go and hide all the eggs. wake up in the morning, and then try to find them.
me: maaan, why didn't you tell me that before yesterday?

you can now add "garage door fixer" to the long list of things i can do. today my sister's garage door got stuck and i unjammed it and now it works great. who knew i was so handy?

it's funny to see how although i'd like to say i'm drastically different from my mother - sometimes i find myself seeing how inherently the same we are... and why exactly i am the way i am. i think i've posted about this before .. but here we go anyways.

often people will tell me i'm "too nice". too giving, too caring, too helpful... bordering on letting myself get walked all over. i can't say that i always disagree, but i don't feel like it's really THAT bad. in the end, i try to be the person i want to be, and if i was doing things just so i wouldn't be "too nice" then it's not really a decision i'm making, but one i'm making under peer pressure. (when in the end, they don't really give a shit anyways, but that's another topic.) i'm an evil evil participant in the "what if" game, and i hate to make myself feel guilty about stuff (even though i do it all the time), so if i made a decision to not be "too nice", i would probably feel like a huge bitch later, and beat myself up over it, and that sucks too. what makes this all ironic is that when it comes to other people, i'm very clear on situations, and can easily tell them what they should and shouldn't do in order to "stand up for themselves". "no, don't call him back." "no, don't send him that present." "no, don't send that email... it's lame." when it comes to myself, not so much.

my cousin has been living at my parent's house for awhile, and he's a huge brat. super anti-social, doesn't really talk or respond, doesn't take part in anything, probably doesn't do his part, and isn't really someone you want to socialize with. quite a departure from the joy of living with me, as you can imagine.. (oh quiet, you know what i'm talking about). and he's not just quiet in the endearing shy kind of way, but in the bratty i'd rather be sitting in front of my computer all day long kind of way. my mom is doing it, for family, but she doesn't really begrudge her brother for making her do this, the situation just annoys her. in a way, she's kind of like me (or i'm kind of like her) where you kind of just take it in, until you can't deal with it anymore. she complained ALL afternoon about him to my aunt. but she is so nice and polite to him. i think mostly because she doesn't want him to throw a tantrum or hate her or be even more of a brat. who knows. she's WAY nicer to him than she was to my sister or i growing up (or even sometimes currently). i think i attribute this to a) she never had to raise boys, and b) it's not her own child, so she can't just smack him around how she wants.

today we came home and discovered that he broke a bottle of cooking wine and there was newspapers and many paper towels soaked up in the kitchen. i helped my mom out, and was kind of mad at the situation, and my mom was like "i'll talk to him later about it." when he came downstairs, my mom politely asks him what he broke, if he cleaned up all the glass, and if he was okay. huh?! so not the ass whooping i was hoping for. i mean.. granted he did clear away the broken glass, but i could tell my mom was frustrated that he didn't take out the garbage and kind of did a half ass job at cleaning up. yet, she didn't even mention it to him at all. she's waiting until his mom (my mom's sister in law) to come in may so she can tell/point out/show all these bad traits or something and hope that she'll talk to him about it, because she's the only person he'll listen to willingly. i felt like i wanted to say something, or berate my cousin, or tell him to stop being such a jerk. the other day someone told me that with guys, if there's an easy way out, they'll take it. my mom - as long as she babies him, he's not gonna do anything different. with me, as long as i don't "stand up" to other people, nothing's going to change. probably like my mother, i don't really know how to accomplish this. this also slightly worries me, because i always felt like, in time, with age and wisdom and experience, i'd find my footing, and i'd find how to stand up and be confident. but what if i'm just always like this and never find my way. not that i'm not totally awesome right now, but i can do some pretty stupid things sometimes... which i guess you'll always be guilty of, it's human nature. i just hope that i can learn from mistakes. or make sure i'm not a miserable person. alone, and sad, or with someone who i'm not completely happy with. because that would suck. i'm guilty of doing too many things for people i love, or really even remotely like, because i figure.. "hey, why not?" most of the time i don't really have a strong opinion about something, so i just go with the flow. i don't know if that's easy going or pushover. i think it's option a to me, option b to other people. and i hate to be seen as that. but how can i help it? i don't know. this subject confuses me to all heck anyways.

funny result though, my mom appreciates me WAY more because she can see by comparison now just how awesome i am. i guess it's that whole "you miss it when you don't have it" thing, although i know my mom always loves me. i also like how she tells me all the time that i should move back home. like i would want to re-insert myself back into that situation. i guess when i really decide my life is over i'll do that. until then, that's a negatory madre. lo siento.

happy first day of spring! (thursday)...

:)

post more later...

i really have nothing to write about, but i just had a yearning to blog. i think this may have been my secret new year's resolution - but i can't say that it is, or else i won't keep it.

i'm finally feeling a little better (hopefully i'm not jinxing myself here either). maybe that's attributing to the fact that i left work at 7:30 and came home and immediately passed out. a good 3 hour nap will do wonders. i'm just hoping i can fall back asleep here in a minute. come onnnnn nyquil.. work your magic! i spent the last two days trapped inside my own head due to some weird congestion/ear stuffiness that seems to be alleviating itself today. but it was the worst because my ears were constantly plugged, all the sound was trapped inside my head, and i couldn't hear well, but could hear all the really low tones and they drowned everything else out. listening to music in the car on the way to work this morning was a bitch. i finally found a classical station. by the way, they turned my favorite classical station 105.1 into a country music station?! what?! ugh. country music stations belong below the 100's... just my opinion.

on the job front - trying to work on it. i've sent out my info to a few more places, definitely not 10 a day like the "suggested" amount is... but i'm at least looking. there's a new "project" at work, and i can't decide if i want to try and get super involved with it in order to make me feel accomplished and make sure it's as "cool" as it can be. or if i should learn how to not be a control freak and let it run it's course.

that last sentence however i am trying to apply to my life. i need to be a lot better at learning how to "let go". and not worry so much about things i can't control, and know that people are being stupid and weird, even they were cool in the past, or if i care about them, i kind of just have to let go, or realize that they aren't worth my time now. it's hard because i don't like to be the person to say "i'm so awesome you can't hang out with me" and so i have to realize it's not that, but more like it "shouldn't be that hard". i think i should be permanently sick though because it makes me not want to try as hard to have conversations/put forth effort/be too nice. i'm slightly sick of doing all the chasing. but minimal effort is still needed right?

someone commented again today that i look "pissed off"... i was just working, and quite bored. and maybe arranging dates on a calendar was really secretly making me upset - but i wasn't trying to look angry. but "it's just her work jean angry face" great. i need to try and make my bored working face not be my angry pissed off face. but it's hard, because i've realized that my lips naturally curve downwards - so if i'm not using any muscles in my face to look amused or smile, it's just this not happy face. not quite sad, but more intense into the angry section. hmmph. i probably look angry typing this blog. but i'm not.. :D! excited face!

but i did realize i need a major change in my life. and this wasn't going to come with people i talk to you and things i do on the weekend, but really day to day life and my job. then the other things will fall into place. (hopefully.. right?) although... sometimes i feel this year has moved so slowly, but i can't remember when i posted about it being february already, and now it's march. my next milestone i'm looking forward to is the beginning of april so i can get an iphone. i'm hoping that it will be here in no time at all. see... i have goals.

oh crap.. that means i have to finish this trailer, and do my taxes. yikes.

so in addition to feeling pretty miserable and crappy cuz i've been sick.. this is what i've been up to this past month.

tried the counter for the first time. this was the final event of dreafest08. any reason really to go have giant burgers is good for me though. i had heard lots about this place, but never been, so i was pretty excited to go :)

i've been working "a lot" lately. haha.. off and on i guess. is that like most jobs? sometimes for work i get to order office supplies. sometimes they come with really significant instructions. see below.


seriously? who do they think is buying this stuff? even if it were little kids, you'd think you wouldn't have to tell anyone to remove the plastic on the OUTSIDE of the package in order to use it? wow.

ann came back to town for president's day weekend and we finally went on our cupcake hunt! yay! she had been hearing about the new trendy cupcake stores, so i scouted some out for her to try. we went to hotcakes bakes, vanilla, and crumbs. we tried to go to sprinkles, but there was honestly like a line down the street. mostly cuz it's a small store and it probably only accomodates like 2 people at a time. but i really DON'T get the hype of sprinkles. they're way cute, and their packaging is great... but taste wise. i think that crumbs is by far the best. and most ingenious with their flavors. i highly recommend the reese's peanut butter cupcake, and the oreo cupcake (if you like oreos.. who doesn't?!). and the artie lange cupcake - which is a special right now.. and AMAZING. hotcakes bakes (red velvet on the left) was really good, and vanilla (mini cakes on the right) was okay. it wasn't my favorite because the frosting was really light, and i think kind of bland, but ann liked it for that very reason. i like SUGAR. that's probably why i like crumbs so much. the cupcakes are huge, and sweet, and dense, and rich. YUM. if i'm gonna pay $3.50-$4 for a cupcake, it shouldn't be puny!

this isn't a very good picture - but this is me in the parking lot at work waiting for the total lunar eclipse (once upon a time i was falling in love, now i'm only falling apart... *snicker.. this makes me laugh everytime.) *ahem* anyhoo.. the lunar eclipse is that small blurry dot highest in the picture. it's sort of obscured by the blight light off the building.. and that's kind of how i felt in the parking lot too.

this month was a big birthday month. in addition to andrea, there was also vivian, my grandmother, sherry, keri kaba, my boss, and jo. jo's bday was special because i was able to try something that i've been wanting to for awhile. lucky charm treats!! much like rice crispy treats (okay.. exact same thing) but with lucky charms instead of rice crispies. c'mon... marshmallow with marshmallow?! win win situation. they were really excellent and i was proud of myself and looking at this picture makes me drool. they're definitely going to have to make a reappearance.

i'm listening to the three graces cd.. it's pretty awesome. and good thinking doing stuff music :) if you like josh groban and il divo, you will love them. if you're a guy, you'll love them, cuz they're hot. haha.. but they do sound amazing. i'm pretty intrigued to see them live in a month. yay. (oh and.. go support them if not for any other reason than so my roommate can get nice and rich and she can be my sugar mama.) :)

so my good friend beth up and left LA and moved far away. now she sends me presents... and to demonstrate how well she knows me, look at what she got me. a long time ago i was eyeing this very thing at urban outfitters. not sure exactly where she got it, but it's my kind of present. i never bought it because i thought it was kind of small for two people, and true it shows you're supposed to put a shot glass at the bottom so not everyone and their mother are putting their mouths on it, but true ice luge style calls for it. it probably won't get too much use right away, we'll have to find the right occasion, but the roommate is really excited as well. maybe we can have the mini ice luge for the wusses and the big ice luge for the pros. i love me some ice luges. thanks beth!

one last thing... awesomest commercial i've seen lately. which isn't really saying much because of tivo (love you) and dvr i don't really watch commercials. but see.. i didn't miss out on this one! it's meant to be.

trying to pass the last 30 minutes of the day. even though i'm blogging through it, i feel slightly proud of myself for making it through the day. this sickness that reared it's ugly head a week ago, but seemed to have been slain this weekend, is coming back with a nasty vengeance and my throat is not enjoying it. boo for sick tuesdays. i came in relatively "on time" like 9:30ish. for me.. (lately) that's on time, as i have been getting here after the 10 o'clock hour. bad jean. it's a combination of things really... but internally.. i feel sort of bad. so i'm "trying" to get here earlier. today was a good day. i told myself i was gonna go home early, and my boss even told me to go home. don't know why i didn't. figured i already dragged myself out of bed and here, might as well tough it out. or.. maybe it really does take more energy to sit here, than to go home.

i'm kind of stumbling through the days. trying to keep myself busy, trying to find things to do, as they figure themselves out. i kind of have a feeling things aren't really gonna get better before the next 5 weeks are up, and that does kind of give me a little bit of incentive. i've applied to jobs, but haven't really heard any thing back. which is sad. am i really that unqualified? are my goals too lofty? do my resume/cover letter suck that much? i KNOW that i can do these jobs, it's just "hard" to get your foot in the door i suppose. but what also sucks is that i keep having to answer questions, and help people out, and i sit here and wonder, if i have all the answers, why am i still just sitting here? *sigh... i don't know.

ok.. i think that i can leave 20 minutes early. that's not too bad. it sure doesn't take me 1/2 hour to blog... i must type really fast :P but i do need to post a picture blog soon.. i just don't have the pix with me, they'll be up soon though.

before you think i'm crazy about other people's perceptions of me..

jeanyah: well.. my roommates gonna be gone in march
jeanyah: and i'll need friends.
jeanyah: so... get better before then
izeta: haha...don't you have like 900 friends?

and

jeanyah: since i'm not in production or features any more.. i talk to a lot less ppl
jeanyah: haha.. sucks.
mahina: but you know everyone!!!!

is this really the image i portray and give off? and is that necessarily a good thing? and how did it get to be this way? cuz i smile a lot and say hi to everyone? (damn you, gap.) tonight i'm gonna be at home, possibly by myself, maybe with my friend patron.

ps. today for lunch i got free tacos and saw brad pitt. score. job doesn't suck so bad now does it? okay fine.. it still kind of does :(

pps. hush - no mention of the fact that i was "trying" to make plans in conversation one. it really is only because i know these plans with this person never actually materialize. sometimes those are the best kinds of plans. because you never feel guilty for flaking.

ppps. hahah.. i just got the weirdest sensation of being very "brooke davis". hahahah.. i guess it could be worse, but there's like two (maybe just one) who will know what i'm talking about.

i think i'm gonna become a recluse. that might be my goal for the month of march. i mean.. i say that - but will i ever follow through? when i say i want solitude - i usually end up not getting it because i get too impatient and bored and want attention and people around... and so maybe this is my covert way of getting attention, by saying i don't want any. because currently, i'm not getting any. okay - so as you can tell this is already a self indluging pity party kind of post. but i have 2 shots of tequila in me (it was for charity!), this is my blog - so let me vent.

i think i'm in the perfect position to become a recluse too... i mean.. i'll still go to work (if you can call it that) so that people will know i'm alive. but my roommate will be gone, so no mandatory needing to hang out or go out, and no hanging out with her and b. b will be off doing his own thing, and i'm in this mid point where everyone thinks i'm just hanging out with someone else. funny enough, my life gets like this a lot. people say i have a "lot" of friends, and while i may know a lot of people, i never have that "core" - or i think maybe i have that core, and it either dissipates, or doesn't really exist, or i choose the wrong core. i think in this latest sense, it was two out of the three. unfortunately in the past year or so, i've spent so much time with certain people, and now i'm not, and everyone else seems to just have moved on. and so have the certain people. everything thinks i've moved on too, because i'm really good at making it seem like things are okay, or like sometimes not letting people know things... so then it's like "well if jean doesn't say so, it must be fine." i hardly EVER say anything, just so you know. i attribute it mostly to my upbringing... thanks, mom. anyhoo.. so now.. without that small group that i had spent most of my time with in the past year and half or so - i'm kind of at this loss, because everyone has their thing to do, and while i might be half heartedly invited (or even whole heartedly) somehow i still quite don't fit in. granted, this is a lot my fault and my tastes, but still... it's square peg in a round hole.

in addition to this, my job sucks now. a lot has gone on in the past couple months and i'm far less busier than i ever was. ironic part: i think i just got a raise. (think as in i'm waiting until the next paycheck to see if it actually got approved.) people will probably tell me, that i need to create something, and be proactive - but honestly.. i try. i can't think of things to do, and everything i think of has to be approved by people who are far too busy to get back to me right away, or have to ask even busier people. so i do my fair share of waiting. i was warned about this, and so i took on menial show tasks, and hated it, but at least i was busy right? that's ended, and while i sort of miss it, menial tasks still suck. i hate feeling useless, undefined, and like i'm wasting time. and then i feel guilty that they pay me for all of that. i mean.. i shouldn't complain.. i really shouldn't. i do do my fair share of things. and i've been told "it'll get better" i just don't know when that is, and how i'm going to have to wait for it, and is it worth it. i'm trying to make a change, and really i should put more effort into that. but apathy is probably my biggest enemy.

things seemed to be okay or getting better. but much like lucas on OTH, (yes.. i know...) i think i'm just burying things. not solving a problem. burying one surfacey relationship with another doesn't solve problems. anyhoo.. so in march, while everyone thinks i'm hanging out with someone else, and dorina's off doing her actual work thing, i'm gonna see if i can lay low and hang out with myself, my BFF: 42 inch plasma, aaaand.. who knows. i don't. and like i said. my boredom/attention whoreyness always gets the best of me. but i really do need some sort of major change. stat.

just to note. i did try this "i'm gonna not call until he calls me" test in high school, in the one sort of semi not really relationship that i had, when i got real fed up of putting forth the "effort". guess how that one ended? hah. just so you don't think my cynicism is unfounded.

ps. this doesn't reflect on the company i was with tonight, they were wonderful.

so i've been pretty amiss as to what to post about. sometimes i'll have an idea and think "oh i should totally blog about that!" but when it comes time to a point when i feel like blogging - i've always forgotten. i was doing pretty well at blogging, but now 13 days have gone by and no posts. sorry.. i guess life has just been that boring for me. we went and celebrated dre's birthday a few times (all fun.) at the blue bayou, the edison(sort of)/redwood bar/busby's (sort of)/the counter. we ended up at medusa lounge for jana's bday, and ended the night at rosen karaoke til 4am. i should have just told andrea to go to medusa, but forgot, and kind of ditched her when we drove past busby's at the line was too long for our liking.

valentine's day came and went. no big deal. i did get a rose from kelly l. at work... cuz she loves me. haha. she's always pretty thoughtful like that and trying to include everyone. it was nice to have a little something, after all the time i spent printing/cutting/wrapping candy for the speed racer valentines. it's not too bad. people seemed happy to get them i guess, although i wouldn't get credit for it, i never do :P maybe people do remember, and i just don't know about it. sometimes little things matter. but in the end i can't believe that i was getting paid to cut up piece of paper and wrap chocolate in saran wrap. i guess things could be worse - but sometimes sitting around wasting time or doing meaningless crap isn't as "relaxing" as it seems. side note: am i weird that i don't feel the need to get all anti valentine's day when i don't have a valentine? a lot of girls i know were trying to make plans, or refused to sit at home and sulk. and i was just like "it's a thursday, like any other thursday"... although when i went to ralphs during lunch it looked like valentine's puked all over the store (balloons, flowers, candy, people going crazy) and flowers were insanely priced. i boiled it down to since i've never been spoiled on valentine's day, so i can't really miss it. but even if i was going to smothered - would i really like it? i can be a pretty non mush kind of girl. but sometimes i'm totally the "awwww" kind of girl. i know.. i'm weird.

those are the big events as of late. just hanging out and trying to figure things out i guess. last weekend was president's day weekend, so yay for three day weekend. i inadvertently turned it into 4 because i had to call out sick on tuesday. but i spent all day in spent pretty near death. okay, so i'm over-exaggerating, but i really did sleep all day. and not the good kind of sleep, but the sleep because i really can't get up and do anything else kind of sleep. trying to get better since there are events coming up this weekend. hah. i say events like they're actually important. but they're like.. birthday things. which i guess are "important" but in the not really sense. hahah.

so i'm the worst chinese person. at work they were asking me questions about the double happiness symbol.. and really.. i couldn't answer any of them.

i knew chinese new year was kind of in the vicinity - but didn't really know. until last night i saw some news blip about chinese new year and decorations in china. this morning i thought maybe i should find out when new years is so that i can hang out with my parents. so i google it - new years day is today. haha. this is how i find out when "major" holidays are. last night was chinese new years eve, my parents went out to dinner and didn't call me cuz they didn't think i'd be able to make it (at 6pm.. which is true). i'm kind of bothered that my parents didn't even try to call, because they think i'm so busy. which isn't untrue, but still sad. i went over for dinner tonight and got my favorite food - and tons to bring back and share. yay. but it was nice. i know that i don't really do quality time with my parents, just because i'll sit with them while they're watching tv, or on the internet, so it's not like there's much interaction going on - but sometimes my mom will chat with me - that's why dinner is perfect.. because they can chat and i can eat. they don't really reach out much - but i know they appreciate when i come home. they don't reach out because they feel like they'd be "bothering" me or that i should be calling them. (see.. this is where i get it from people..) but i know they like to make sure i'm taken care of and send me home with goodies and hope that i'm happy, and that's nice.

so, it's the year of the rat. happy new year, people. hope you had a good one.

another reason to not stay up so fucking late: i wouldn't feel the mini-earthquakes that are 1 second long, but enough to freak me out slightly (that WAS an earthquake right? at 2:12am?). being a california (pretty much) native i'm not "scared scared".. but it still jolts me.

if i was asleep, i would be dead to the mini shaking.

so this is totally not meant to be a food blog, nor do i consider myself a "foodie" (do i even know what that is?) but either i'm a "true" little sister and like to do everything my sister does, or hanging out with andrea has rubbed off on me a little. at the very least - she introduced me to restaurant week.. and i'm having a good time - despite the always eating 3 course meals, and the $$... even if it is discounted. but hey.. it's worth it.. and i wouldn't normally discover these places. so next week... less eating out okay?

for now...

sunday - i missed the end of the superbowl (the most exciting part... dammit) to go to the blue bayou @ disneyland for dre's bday. i wanted to go for my bday, but it was booked, so andy made reservations this time around. so.. i was slightly excited. overall, the food was good ... i think maybe i hyped it up too much, and i was also sorely disappointed by the lack of deep fried cheesecake... boo. the ambience was nice, inside the pirates ride... i thought there'd be more to it, but it was kind of small, just a bunch of tables on the patio. and it smelled half like really good food, and half like pirate ride water. but it was yummy. i might have had a better meal if i had gotten the filet like i ordered - but meat is meat and i had prime rib instead cuz they messed up. it wasn't bad, but probably could have been better. dessert was yummy... it always is. oh!!! the gumbo was really really really good. i wish i could go there just for that. (and their butter, that was amazing too.)

monday - dre and i went to cezanne for lunch cuz we were feeling it (and i'm bad and totally let my food go to waste, like actual waste - i had to throw it away today). but it was so worth it.. i'm sad they didn't have the creme brulee, but both appetizer and meal (x2) were great. it was typical in a hotel restaurant. way nice because it's santa monica, and i loved the mini condiments.

today (super tuesday!) - vivian picked one sunset as a dinner spot for laura's birthday. i immediately checked to see if they had a dineLA menu, and they did. (yay!) i'm a dork, i know. i was pretty satisfied with the food - so while it was artsy and "small" portions, it was still pretty filling. plus, i love eating with people who are semi-indecisive like me and like to share and eat off each other's plates. that's a must have i think. it's the "family style" chinese side of me. the ambience was cute, posh, loungey and couches for chairs. trendy, along the lines of those nice west hollywood restaurants. but better because it's not crazy crowded. we even got rockstar parking... score!

at both of these places, food was great - desserts = just okay.

mmmmmmm.. food.

on the news front (me news, not actual news)... job - okay. they hired a PA for the show and i think i don't have to do the dreaded duties that i like to complain about but maybe secretly love because it makes me too busy to think about the other stupid things in my life. except i still think about them... so less time. but i'll be able to return a semi-normal existence and then i can try to figure out what i did on weekends before i got sucked into the world that i'm most recently fleeing/exiled from. still... trying to figure things out though. (on two counts) i did get the best mini compliment today - while complaining some sub-par moments, someone commented "yea, the job that you did so well"... awww!! thanks L.T. - i like you even though it sounds like you're eating the phone when you page.

i was listening to people complain about their issues with the opposite sex, and while i "want" someone, it makes me very glad that i don't go through a lot of the things that other people do. maybe i do, just in my own way, but i definitely don't go through it as often. i've also realized that i really suck at flirting, especially when i care. or that i think that being "mean" is playful, and think it's flirting, when really i'm just being mean and it probably turns people away. i might need to work on that one. it's also a defense mechanism so that i don't have to get rejected by post it note, or find someone i'm interested in re-signing up for dating service when they already quit, or just plain no response. that's why i need to learn to not care, because it always comes out better that way. it's also an independence thing, as much as i am needy, i like to be able to be free. AND while i'm a total attention whore, i like to have it so i know i have it. once i actually do, i shove it away - but only because i know it's there. like a safety net. i can be so dumb sometimes. is this making sense to you? either way, i wholly agree that i don't want to be with someone just to be with someone. i think i learned that one in the 10th grade. the lesson i never learned however was to let go of something when i see qualities i don't like. i tend to let the good outweigh the bad, even if the redeeming qualities are far fewer. bad jean. these are lessons that i'm slowly trying to learn - but it's not about self value (but maybe it's tied in?), but also just less value towards others - which is hard to shift my inner faith in people. anyways, i'll stop being whiney and candid (whoa.. got way too personal there for a moment.. sorry) and maybe get some sleep. or watch one tree hill. i should probably get up and take my car in, and i now have to reschedule my life drawing class for client review. BOO.

to summarize..
step 1: learn how awesome i am
step 2: apply for this.

blogging on a friday night.. that's either a sign that i have no life, or that i work too much. this week i worked 59 hours. i'm too freaking tired - so i gave up cruising weho and decided to stay in, obsess, stalk and blog. in no particular order. maybe i'm just really committed to this getting back to blogging thing. except i think everyone's forgotten that i own this blog and still write for it - so no one checks it anyways. it's okay.. i'll write for me.

today i accidentally stumbled upon my dine LA experience number 1 for restaurant week. dre and i had these grandeur plans to hit up all these places, and so far we've done zero. but i think we're gonna try to make it up next week. i was feeling indecisive about lunch, and felt like going to chaya, and really just should have stuck with regular food - but i couldn't pass up the restaurant week menu... they include dessert!



what i got was "okay"... at first i got the ahi for the appetizer, but i think that stuff is too fancy for me. i had to switch it for calamari - which was excellent. tiger roll was okay - probably should have got the shrimp wrap. sorbet was good... but you can't really mess that up. overall it was good though - just don't try to pick the "healthy" option.. just go for what's yummy!

lately, i've been having very girly moments. although i really try not to show it on the outside. but it sneaks out. one VERY girly trait of mine is that i want what i can't have, even when i don't really want it. i need to know what's right, and what's not and be content with that, instead of "oh.. what if." i know i don't want it, i told myself i don't want it, but when it's dangled in front of my face i get a little sad inside and wish i had done something differently.

*sigh* here's hoping to upcoming change.

i just sent it off.

wish me luck.

i REALLY want this.

i really want to get back into blogging - but sometimes i just feel like i have anything to say. i mean.. i guess the point is say whatever you want - but sometimes.. there's really nothing to say - and i'm not really fond of saying stuff just to say stuff.

i'm crossing my fingers about a new job opportunity. something silly, but something i really really really want. it feels kind of sad to want this so much - but i think it would be so fun. i really want it to because i've revised my cover letter and resume at least 7 times... i don't think i've ever worked so hard on it in my life. i found the girl i'm sending it to on myspace... i really want to send her a message via that as well.. like to follow up.. haha.. is that weird? and i thought since my regular email isn't tied to my myspace profile that i'd be okay and she couldn't stalk me (since i'm opposed to making my profile private).. but when you search for "jean huang".. there's only like 12 that come up and i'm the only one that lives in LA. really?!! come one.. there's really no jean huang's in LA?! i swear when you google me you get so many people that aren't me. i guess maybe they're all in asia. so... so much for that plan. maybe she'll see my myspace and love me.

okay.. i probably really should get to sleep. i've just have had super insomnia for the past few months. wait.. insomnia's not the right word because i'm tired. i'm just stupid and don't go to sleep. i blog, organize pictures, stalk and do other things. but today i was productive and was revamping revisions.. so it's kind of okay. i just hope it's worth it.