mmm.. nothing to exciting.. except that I'm a big fatty slacker. I hate school... it sucks. And really.. I don't know what I want to do with my future.. so school is really aimless for me right now... so that makes me all the more sad and pathetic. ew.. i hate school

Today I walked around the vendor fair, saw people I didn't like, sampled kettle corn, helped out at the CKI Korean BBQ sale. (Why am I helping to raise money for Sakura to pie me?... am I stupid?) classes all day, napped, worked at the PRINCETON volleyball game where I almost got hit multiple times. But sad.. it was Princeton.. and I wonder what I would be like if I had gotten to go there, or even... what kind of person would I have been if I had gotten in. But I really think I like that East Coast type of boy that we discussed in Anna William's class that splatter the pages of the Abercrombie catalogue. I don't know... it's not just looks, but I guess about security. Rhiannon and I were looking at the two different teams, and I was all ... our team looks so much younger that theirs.. and she agreed. They just look so much more.. I don't know.. manly? hahaha.. I'm stupid.. And I spent today thinking what a retard I was reading signs that I just made up in my head to further disillusion myself. did you know that Valentine's Day is in two weeks? I don't really care.. or do I? I guess it would be nice.. but I think we're just going to do another girl's night out. :) I'm game.. how about you?

Also.. I tried to find my cell phone for a good 20 minutes today.. and later I find out that I left it at Mike & Stan's house.. yet another reason of why I'm a retard. ahhh! why can't I have more discipline or something. Like.. actually get off my ass and get done the things I need to do instead of half-assing my way through everything. Or like spending more time on what's less important rather than actual things that matter. boo...

Where does all my time really go? I feel like I'm always doing some kind of work, but really I have nothing to show for it. I'm still always doing my homework at the last minute, but what do I spend the rest of my time doing? Sleeping? Eating? Talking to friends? Because I don't really do much of those other things constantly, just sporadically. hmm... But yes.. I have a 7 page take home midterm due tomorrow. And I've been sleeping all day because I feel so sickly and crappy. Ew... it is no fun being sick.

Hmm... so what have I been up to lately. Last week I was sleeping a lot so that I wouldn't get sick since both Diana and Michele were sick, and I thought I was in the clear, but alas Monday morning, it's overcome me. Anyways.. Friday I saw SUM 41 with Kimmy and Vivian. It was super fun, but we all came home bruised and battered. I was in the pit during gob and Unwritten Law and had to get out to take a breather because I was too busy fighting for my life to enjoy the music. But I went back in before SUM 41 and found Kimmy and Tommy. And Tommy was there to protect us (thanks!) and he was so great, and Kimmy and I really enjoyed it. Although, towards the end the millionth crowd surfer came by and landed on my and split my lip. That was no fun...but it's mostly healed now, so I'm okay. :)

Saturday I was at the Sports Arena getting *NSYNC tix with Ann and Long. We didn't get as good tickets as we hoped, but hopefully we'll get better ones later, and then worked at the swim meet with my assinine boss, and came home, slept, party hopped a little, but nothing too fun. I really should have just stayed at home. Although I did drop by Kari's 21st birthday party!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY KARI! For those of you who don't know, Kari is a super star water polo player. :) My mommy also left for Taiwan on Saturday... sad I didn't get to say goodbye to her because I called too late because I was at work. sucks.. but I'm sure I'll see her soon. She's going to be there for Chinese New Year, I bet that'll be fun. I also went to Best Buy and got the Mest and Hoobastank cd's... they're awesome.. you should go out and get them... right now... go!
Sunday I worked on my newsletter, did Costco with Sakura and did the DCM thing. It was pretty good, we made $55 for PTP with not so much effort, yay! Beth also came down and afterwards we chilled, she watched me clean, and we went to bed at 5am. (yikes) She also gave me a bunch of butt ugly pictures of me at random CKI events. haha.

Monday, I woke up quite sick, went to class, had lunch at Roberto's with Beth, more class and then napped before Circle K. Went to Ichiban's and Target with Vivian. I got *NSYNC Valentine's Day cards... sweet! They're so awesome, and I'm super excited... so I'm going to be on a card giving rampage. heheheheh.. yeeeeeesssss.. And then today I tried to do my midterm, which I easily should have done during the day... but didn't because I'm lame. I slept, which is great for me, but I'm sure wouldn't make a good excuse for my teachers. Then I went over to the SMAC house.. (haha) and watched Battlebots which is a pretty entertaining show. It's pretty cool though, the guys are being sponsored to build a battlebot and have been to the show and all that. It's pretty amazing what some of these people can do. Then we watched Mikey play Grand Theft Auto III which is hilarious. You run around, steal cars, avoid popo, try to get with hookers, and beat people up. There's more to it than that.. but it's a funny game. I really don't want to do my school work. I really wish sometimes you could just be sick and turn in assignments later without needing to be on a death bed.

Shit.. life can be pretty sucky sometimes. I guess I'm just a in a put down kind of mood because I feel so swamped. I don't know. Everyone seems to have all their shit together except for me. But I know in my head that that's not true, but I guess in my heart it's not the same. And all I can think about nowadays is how nice it would be to have a boyfriend. Although I swear that I had given up on guys and just wait around until the right one comes, like everyone says I should, but really... how long does someone have to wait. Honestly... I'm sick of waiting. So I guess this is why I've stopped being interested in the random everyday gossip of my friends and their current interests. People hook up with other people and complain that there's nothing more, and it makes me I dunno... sad, confused, angry.. I don't really know. Where at the same time that I want that too, I'm not really the "hook-up" kind of person. Like sometimes I feel like I should stop being so apprehensive, but also... I know I'm not that kind of girl, and I really don't want to be, but then what's the alternative. I sit around and whine, when I could go and find one, but really I'm not the go get 'em type. And then someone else said to me that maybe I should lower my standards... and is that what I want? Just to have some guy just to have a guy, but not really be happy. I don't know. Like I guess it's just because I'm lonely, and I feel like I really have no one. Like if I constantly had my friends around, it wouldn't be so bad. But everyone's busy, and has their own schedules, and they don't have time for me. Which I can't blame them, but I guess with a person who's obligated to have time for you, it's different. And sometimes kind of nice. *sigh.. why am I so lame... can someone answer me that? Awhile ago I told Kimmy that I just wanted to surround myself with people that make me implicitly happy, but I guess I really didn't stick to that because my loneliness got the best of me. So I guess my greatest fear really is being lonely. I guess I have to stop this mode of thinking that if someone doesn't like me it's them and not me, and it's their loss. Like Kristen says I have to love myself first and foremost. But I guess it's not always so easy. *boo.. I had being all philosophical. I need a blogger that talks back.

On a brighter note, my daddy might come visit me this weekend. I figured I'd invite him to come down since he was sort of alone in the house, although I'm sure he enjoys it. But Michele's mom is here and she was cooking for Michele and it made me miss my daddy... so maybe we'll get to do some quality bonding time.. hehe :)

I don't think I do well with people. Maybe I need to stop.

So it was inevitable that I blogged today... because I have a paper due today, and instead of using my fingers to type out my paper, I'd rather procrastinate some more and blog. :) Anyways.. my weekend is finally over. Sad. But it was a really good weekend. I found a new appreciation fr just being able to chill at home. On Saturday, trying to get out SD was such an ordeal. I went to be at 6am cuz I was cleaning my room (yes, it was that messy). I went and got some lunch, and while I was parking Sakura called me to ask me when the meeting time was on Sunday cuz Jimmy's car broke down. As I got out of the car I managed to grab everything except my keys. Sad. I called Triple A (after freaking out first of course) and then sat on the sidewalk, ate my lunch, talked to Kimmy and waited for the tow truck to come. The guy was really nice and I got my keys in no time, finished packing, picked up Lala, and was on my way to LA. Got to Torrance said Hi and Bye to my parents and my uncle, grabbed to go at Steve's (yum) and drove to lovely Woodland Hills. Pre-board meeting that night, Board meeting the next morning, and then TGI Friday's afterwards for lunch. Fun eh? All in all it was good to see some people again. I got to hang out with Nicole, Beth, Carrie, Manny and Armondo. It was fun. Word from the wise: don't share a bed with Chrissy! She's a blanket hog! as is Nicole from what Beth says. hahahahh... we said we're going to make them share a bed at convention and then watch them fight it out. hahahah.

Sunday I went home, slept, watched movies, slept, and attempted to read. My sister came home from Utah and the Sundance Film Festival. (I'll have to ask her if she saw Lance) and got to hear all her exciting stories about the movie biz. Plus! She bought me a souvenir, yay! She got me a Salt Lake 2002 (Olympics) snowglobe. It had the symbol, and then a background city scene. And then it's got all this snow and glitter. It's so pretty... I love my little snowglobe. Thanks Joan! Ü Monday was the same thing, and Tuesday.. same thing except I went to the ElCo CKI meeting and dragged Eric and Kyle with. hahahah.. they probably wanted to hurt me.. but hopefully they'll join and we'll hit that 1000 right? :) It'd be super fun if I got to hang out with Kyle more, he's so amusing. Mondo, Kyle and I went to the Loft afterwards and talked about love lives.. or in my case, the non-existance of one, and rejection. hahah.. It was great, read some more, slept some more, and then got to take care of my sister and drove back to SD... where I've been sitting on my ass for 2 hours not really writing my paper. aiya.

ps. I saw the *NSYNC Chili's commercial. And while I love my boys, I'm so embarassed that they did that commercial. It's so cheesy and I dunno.. just wrong! The Budweiser commercial was kinda cute even if it was kinda contradictory, but this commercial is just really.. I dunno.. interesting I guess. The whole motiff kinda reminds of their "For the Girl Who Has Everything" Video. mm.. I dunno.. it's a good way to display their talents and what not, but I dunno.. something about that commercial doesn't sit well with me. *sigh... maybe they really really really do love the baby back ribs. You know what would have been better? Like if they were sitting in the restaurant and then started singing it, like that's how they were going to order them. I'm not so keen of the whole trying to make it a love story thing. Yeah.. I should be making their commercials... boys: call me Ü

And another thing. I guess I found out that I wasn't cast in the New Play Project Cabarets. Which is kinda sad because Dave told me to audition for his play, and I'm kinda sad that I didn't even get to try. On the inside scoop I hear the director thought my audition was really good, but just couldn't find a spot for me, because he didn't think that I fit anything. How is that not a contradiction? Isn't that the point of acting? Like to be able to fit parts and what not, and if he didn't have a part that would fit me, then I must not be very good. But yet he says it was real good. *sigh.. I don't know.. I'm not mad.. but I guess rather.. dissapointed. Woe is me.

You know Maureen from Centerstage? How she said that honesty was the best policy when it came to your friends? And then Eva said that explains why you have so many... I really think that's true. You piss off a lot of people when you don't appease them, or you tell them what you really think. And granted, I like my friends to tell me that I'm right, or to agree with me or support me. But sometimes it's also good to tell them what you think. So, really, it's another one of those lose/lose situations, because sometimes one's not necessarily better than the other. But I guess it also depends on what the issue at hand is. Like Anna Williams has said.. that people only find truth in what they believe. But really, when you're brutally honest, does telling the truth outweigh the consequences?

I guess I'm getting all philosophical (in my own way) because I've had a lot of time to think about things. I'm not very good with dealing with difficult situations, and I guess I tend to do it in a more so of childish way of just ignoring it. But then, it gets bigger and just eats away at you (or me in this case) so then what do you do? I really want to make myself happy, and put me first, but when that comes at the expense of other's happiness, is it okay to do that?

One last thing. Being drunk isn't an excuse for anything. And I've heard that excuse being way too conviniently lately. Maybe you shouldn't drink if you can't handle the consequences, or the reactions from others. Or maybe you should learn to control yourself while under the influence. I'm not saying like being prim and proper while imbibing alcoholic beverages, but there are certain lines that people shouldn't cross, and then say, well it was because I was drunk. I'm really not someone who can be going around telling others what they should do, because it's not like I'm perfect or anything. But I guess I've just heard it enough in the past week to be annoyed by it to blog about it.

Today I had class (which I was actually on time for.. good job me), went to the Kiwanis Luncheon, more class, a nap, an audition, and then work. The men's volleyball team lost to USC (sucky) and I almost got hit with flying volleyballs or players diving after them multiple times, but still I love my job. It was good time, I can't wait to go to a game that I'm not working so I can cheer. Too bad I have to miss the Pepperdine game. Something funny though is that the player that I thought was super-hot and was all excited because he went to a high school near me is actually one of Kimmy's high school friend's boyfriend. (did you get all that) It was amusing when Kimmy told me about her friend... sad, but funny... this guy was super hot... *sigh.. I'm so pathetic. Tomorrow I'm driving home with Lala, so I must commence with the packing and cleaning and laundry that I've put off since I've gotten back. Heck maybe I can even get some reading or papers done. Boo. I have my board pre-meeting tomorrow night, meeting Sunday morning, and then family and friends in Torrance until Tuesday. I hope I have a good time.

I really need to start being more productive on those days that I don't go to school. eh.

Anyways.. Wednesday.. it was school, school and more school. Although.. it was nice to see and talk to a lot of people that I hadn't seen in awhile on Wednesday, like Masaki, John Bologna.. (hahahah), Mike, Chris, etc. etc. Anyways... I went out to Chili's with Vivian and Kathryn. It was good, but I ate waaay too much. That night Kristen came over and we ate and watched Dawson's. It was so good, Charlie is so... hot. Then... (drumroll) Kristen, Vivian and I went to a bar with these guys from Vivian's work. It was pretty fun. I was DD so there weren't too many mishaps or anything. It was a small little place, so it wasn't too bad. Mostly I just played pool and watched TV. Kristen played darts and "chatted" with a 37 year old married man (hah), and Vivian continued to hit on the guys that she thinks are cute. I did find out the dangers of drunkiness and what it can lead to (in the social context). *sigh.

With all of that said I just sat around most of today, thought a lot about stuff, talked a lot on the phone. I did get out of the house to go to an audition though. It was for the New Play Festival Cabaret. I was kinda excited because my friend Dave wrote one of the plays, but they didn't have me read for one of his parts. Sad... but I do hope I get to be in something. That would be fun, and I hope I have the time. Yuck... I'm busy, but I'm not since I waste most of my time being lazy. I need to stop that. Also, I think I need some more "me" time, or at least train my head to be in that "me" mode of thinking. I don't know... this is what happens when you sit around all day and think about things. We'll see how it goes.

it's 2:30am and I have a million pages to read, but since I've spent all day procrastinating, what's a few more hours?

It was an interesting weekend to say the least, but I guess it was fun. Although, I do feel like a fatty slacker for being so unproductive. (You think I'd be used to it by now eh?) Anyways.. Saturday, did Julian's Anchorage, and then napped before I struggled to get out of bed for work. Watched a super exciting game of women's ball against Cal State San Bernadino, and then an exciting half of the men's game, while the second half was not so fun. I got to sit next to Vince and hear all his comments which kept me amused. But the CSUSB fans weren't so great. Somehow we always get the really annoying fans in our crowds, but I guess if you drive all the way to SD for a game, you must be hardcore. Anyways.. this lady kep yelling about Cameron and his headband, "take off the headband!" and I seriously wanted to go over to her and knock her in the head. Anyways...afterwards, Caroline and I drove around for a bit, and I ended up at Taylor's party. His parties are always fun and I got to chill with Ashley and Lauren, meet Taylor's brother, and meet all the other USD and other random people. It was definitely a better trade off than going to the probably way too crowded Sigma Chi party that got broken up by mass amounts of po-po and helicopters! Spent the night there, and Ashley drove me home in the morning. Went to Kono's with Vivian and her all her Saturday night party stories which were far more exciting and scandalous than mine, and then cruised to Mission Beach. After 10 minutes of laying out, we both decided it was too cold and went back home. :) I slept, went over to Vivian's and hung out with her for a bit and came back and slept some more.

Monday, class, Circle K, and then.. yay! Jennie, Francis, Karen, Vivian Tricia, Kimmy and I met up at CPK for Kimmy's 21st Birthday!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIBBLER! It was tons of fun, I love going out with girlfriends, that's the best. We tried to get Kimmy drunk, but it really wasn't going to happen. I gave Kimmy flowers and the birthday present that I made, which she loved of course. We ate good food, talked a lot, made fun of Kimmy, chit-chatted with the waiters, and took lots of pictures (of course). Afterwards I gave one of the waiters Vivian's number while the entire kitchen staff hooted and made comments in spanish (which I totally understood... thanks). I was slightly embarassed, but it's okay because it wasn't about me. The guy was really nice about it... we'll see if he calls. Vivian and I hung out some, and then went on a walk with her. I was so tired though, I wanted to fall asleep on the sidewalk in front of Vons. Came home, slept until 4 this afternooon. Went to school, ate, and while I was supposed to be reading, watched the Simpsons. haha.. I got to see josh though, and talked to him for a bit. He was on Elimidate!! I think that's great. He's totally doing the acting thing and has an agent and everything. He just might be famous one day. Shoot, I wanna do that. Anyways, hung out with Julie and Vivian more, watched mass amounts of TV- Sex in the City, the Wedding Planner, Real World. And then... hehehe.. we drove to Taco Bell in PB where I dared Vivian to go talk to the guy in the car in front of us in the drive thru line. And she did! haha.. Vivian told him that I wanted to know if he was single, and he said yes.. oh dear lord. He started waving at me and Julie and was motioning that he was a UCSD student (he flashed us his parking pass) and waved as he drove off. I was so busy dying from laughter that I really couldn't do anything about it. Julie was all "I bet you his ego is so big right now." Vivian said that it already was, but that he was really cute, and he was in Sigma Chi and that he was the boy that she hit on at Jeff Dodge and Clint's birthday party and she sees him like everyday. heh.. tomorrow's going to be interesting.

So it's Friday night/Saturday morning.. and it's been an interesting couple of days. I'm still kinda in a funk, but it's getting progressively better. I guess like Professor Mukerji says, life has its cycles, it's ups and downs. (oh my gosh, I can't believe I just used something from class). Anyways... so yeah.. it's been up and down... and I've found that I have a really low patience tolerance when it comes to morons. When there are things that really really annoy me, I have no patience for it whatsoever. Like and it's not like I have no patience period, because I can sit with kids and try and teach them, and listen to people talk and try and help them out, and take care of people... But when people are just being plain stupid... I just tend to ignore them.. and I guess it just puts me in a sour mood. But anyways.. Thursday.. I woke up at 12pm when Kimmy called ... but it's okay because I went back to sleep until 4pm :) where I proceeded to watch Legally Blonde (to avoid doing anything productive... and finally got off my ass and did some Circle K work. Watched Friends (so cute) and then went to go work out with Vivian. I did the wimpiest work out ever... I stopped running after like 5 minutes and couldn't do too many weights because I was still sore from Tuesday. (weak). Anyways.. I also got to chill a bit with Jeff Nagle.. which was cool. He's an interesting character to say the least.

Today.. I had classes, chilled a little bit in between. Afterwards, I talked to Nick.. who is great by the way.. and got all excited because Michele let me borrow her Sims and Hot Date expansion pack. I'm sooo excited. If I can't get play in real life.. at least I can pretend eh (eww.. I sound like such a nerd). Anyways.. I went to work.. where we played Cal Po Po in bball. Our women's team lost but our Men's Team WON! Yay! Mike and Cameron were so awesome... they're superstars! hehe.. I think it's the intimidation factor. Mike with his face mask and Cameron with his mouth guard.. they're pretty scary lookin'. Anywhoo they won and I was super excited... it was great. Then Vivian and I were supposed to meet Kristen at the Pike party... but by the time we got there the po-po were there and we couldn't get in. Sucks.. there were sooo many people there. But these two people asked us for a ride home, so we gave them one (after driving around for quite a bit). I shared my psycho-roommate stories, and we talked about common people we knew. But I think I scared them because I talked too much... oops.. sorry! Then Vivian and I went to Denny's in PB because she had a craving for ice cream. We amused ourselves by watching drunk people and commenting on cute boys. And then drove back. We saw a really bad car accident on the way back... People... be careful out there when you're driving.. don't run lights, speed or drive under influence or what not. It's really scary guys... and it could happen to anyone... even you. So.. with that.. Vivian and I were driving home and decided to take Mt. Soledad road home (the scenic route) got a little lost, and saw some guy walking around with his truck with the hazard lights on. Vivian asked me if she thought we should ask him if he wanted a ride or a phone... and thinking of Pete's example where he had no gas, I decided to be nice and offer him a phone (Vivian's phone at least.. hahha) btw.. Vivian says "thanks Pete" haha. Anyways.. this guy used Vivian's phone and then said "don't think I'm trying to runaway with your phone, but I have to go find this girl who just ran away from me." HAH. Me thinking he was trying to attack some poor girl (because he ran up the freeway on ramp to go find her... and unless I was trying to escape the freeway on-ramp would not be my first choice.) But Vivian thought that they just had a fight... turns out she was right. So the guy's car was out of gas, and we're going to take them to get gas... but she stays in his car. Vivian refuses to leave this girl by herself so I go get her, and she comes and the guy stays.. because he can't roll up his windows because he can't find his keys.. (which his girlfriend has.. haha.. she was SO pissed at him) ... And this is why.. driving to downtown SD for their first time, he jokes around about the amount of gas in his car.. which is all fun and games.. until their car actually dies. And as if this weren't bad enough.. she says that instead of getting out of this situation asap, he does a line of coke. Yes... boys are morons. So we get them some gas, and drop her back off where we hope that they get out of that situation okay. (We would have stayed longer but Vivian really had to use the potty.) I'm dropped off, say hello to my neighbors who are going somewhere at 3am (i dunno.) And I have to wake up in 4.5 hours to go to a service project. Life is grand.... but I did have an interesting night.

Anyways... I'm in an all around bad/depressing mood kind of funk. These last two weeks have been interesting ones. mm.. let's sum it up before I start to complain, at least then this blog won't be all bad. This was the latter end of my winter break:

DECEMBER 24 & 25
Christmas Eve I spent working... it wasn't too bad, and we got out of there pretty quickly. I love being a cashier for the most part, and it's great, so I don't really hate it too much. My daddy picked me up, and then we went to Ralphs to buy a few things. There was an amazing amount of people there (buying last minute Christmas dinner things I suppose). Came home to my mom cooking up a storm, and my sister and Jeff-Gu chillin. My family isn't really too big on traditions on Christmas, and really haven't been for a while. It's actually pretty sad. This is the third year we haven't put up our tree (it's fake, the same one since I can remember) and not really too big on exchanging presents just because. Like, my parents would buy me things I needed and give them to me as gifts, and usually just like one thing, two if I was lucky... so I'm kinda used to not getting presents. And I didn't really get my parents gifts because a) I don't really know what they want b) and I don't have the money to buy things that they would like. I guess it probably goes back to when I was little when I'd use their money to buy them gifts from the Hello Kitty store. But I gave my sister the Banana jacket that I bought (that she wanted.. haha.. I cheated) and she gave me a KATE SPADE PURSE. Now that my sister has a job she gets me the most awesome gifts.. hehe.. THANKS JOAN! It's definitely cute, and I'm going to have to find a special time to get all cute and dressed up and use it.. (hmm.. I think I'll "debut" it at Kimmy's bday next monday) anyways... We ate hot pot/bbq for dinner, and I was going to chill with Joan, but we lagged for a bit, and then it kinda became too late. So I went with Manny and Armando to go see A Beautiful Mind. It was really good. It made me a little sad since it was about John Nash from Princeton, and it reminded me of my tragic woe that I'm not there.. boo. Anyways...

DECEMBER 26 & 27
I worked... tons of returns.. it was great.

DECEMBER 28 & 29
I drove back to SD to work at the basketball games. It was fun, but I didn't get to do book, and I didn't get to since next to Vince either. sad.. I did the stat board, and I had to sit all by myself away from everyone else in my own little corner, what a loser :P Anyways.. later that night I called Kimmy and she came over and we hung out and chilled. It was great, we watched trashy dating shows (Kimmy's favorite) and sat around and talked and I wrapped presents. I love Kimmy so much, she's such a great girl. She spent the night, and the next day I was supposed to go with Vivian to Sea World.. hah.. and we finally actually got off our asses and drove down there, AND WE COULDN'T USE MY PASSES! suck ass. Anyways.. we chilled in PB for a bit, and then I went to work, and Vivian brought me dinner.. (thanks) and gave me my Christmas gift (thanks #2). And then I drove back to LA to avoid the daytime traffic.

DECEMBER 30 - JANUARY 1, 2002!!
work at the GAP... :) And then when I got home I drove down to Pasadena for GO WEST! They were already all done with the rose float part, and broomballing. At first I didn't really want to play, so I chilled with Kathleen and chit chatted with her. I played for like the last ten minutes and got body checked in the first minute I was out on the ice.. it was fantastic. :P Brian Knowles (another Circle K geek) wowed me with his mad broomball skills, better than Taylor, but I guess that's because he plays hockey... so whatever. I'm just amazed that some people are so hardcore at broomball, people... it's just a game.. no need to get all hostile and knock people over or hit them with sticks without apologizing, gosh. And later on I heard that someone was talking smack about me and ask why I only came for the social part of Go West.. true.. I wasn't there for the service part, but really I had reasons. If you don't know what you're talking about then shut that hole in your mouth, thanks Anyways.. spent the night at the Y (even though I wasn't really planning on it) (after extensive depressing conversations with my mother, and Vivian about her shenanigans) although really, I just spent the entire night talking to Kathleen. The next day went to Ruby's for breakfast and then chilled out on the streets of Pasadena. This including me driving the wrong way down a one way street, seeing Regis Philbin - twice!, having my horrible sleeping (probably drooling) self photographed for a Pasadena newspaper, hiking up heinous steep hills from where we parked our cars, competing with christian kids with "honk twice for jesus" signs, marshmallow fights, and just general non-sensical youth deliquence. We all counted down the new year, and then attempted to get some sleep. Me, despite not planning to spend the night but staying anyways, was unprepared once again, and froze my butt off. I think the funniest part of that night was when the guy setting up the spot lights told me and Kathleen that he'd show us how to set up stuff and let us help, and we jumped up and ran over to him. Then he looked at up like we were crazy and said he was just kidding. oops on us. Anyways, woke up at 5am, took Pic to the church so he could ride on the float, and then drove home. Slept for three hours, woke up 20 minutes before I had to work with a horrendous headache, showered and worked for the next 6 hours. Hey... at least I got time and a half right? It was okay really though. Went home and just chillaxed. Sad though, that was my last day. Working at that specific GAP makes me happy, but really I think it's because of the people. They're really great and they make me laugh all the time. Especially Marshay and Fabrecio who give me grief any chance they get, and Kyle and Daymien who are great guys, and Tracy who's so cute, and Carlos who I argue with about basketball teams.. hehe. I dunno.. I really feel comfortable there I suppose. It's great.

Anyways... JANUARY 2
After mad packing, I got a call from Ernesto who said that he was going to give me cash for my last week of work, so I stayed around for that, brought my sister El Tarasco (yum) and which made me a little later than I wanted. But I packed up my car and drove down to SD. Despite the traffic I got back in pretty decent time. I was supposed to meet up wtih Pic and Brian, but got stood up. ouch... (yet another reason why boys suck) But good thing I had Vivian to keep me company so we chilled, made Mudslide-shakes (yay) and watched TV. She left, and then Kimmy came over to play, and the trashy tv dating shows commenced, along with Sum41 who we're going to see in January (whoo hoo!) and then she left to go home and I watched 2 more hours of DisMissed (that is my new favorite show.) Ü If only that could be me.

JANUARY 3
froze myself in the process of working at the swim meet.

JANUARY 4 & 5 & 6
Drove home back to LA. Just kinda chilled, talked on the phone, watched tv, played on the computer. Kathy and Nicole wanted to meet up in Downtown Disney, but really I was way too tired to drive out there. sorry guys. Saturday I slept in. I cut my hair. I CHOPPED IT OFF! Well 5 inches anyways.. but it's way cute. I think I just got too sick of the long lifeless hair. Later on I went to Michaels, and the mall and then gave my sister clothes she needed to brave the cold of Utah. (the reason I came back to LA) then chilled with Carrie and Angelee. We went to Islands and saw Kate & Leopold. I got to use my ID for the first time, I was pretty excited. :) Although my tolerance really is not what it used to be freshman year. Sunday, ran some more errands, met with Nicole and Kathy to have lunch, and pick up Kathy to take her back to SD. Ran a little more errands, and then off back to SD. Dropped Kathy off, and then came home to an empty house. I just unpacked my car and really didn't feel like cleaning, so I vegged, watched Legally Blonde and worked on Kimmy's present.

Monday .. first day of school. Got used to my schedule and classes. Saw a bunch of people that I hadn't seen in awhile. Especially since I was hanging around campus more... I saw tons of people. Went to Kimmy's house for a lunch break and watched Grease 2.. hahaha. Went to a Circle K meeting and got a big gay unjustified parking ticket. which I appealed.. and then met up with some of the girls for Ichiban's. Yum. Tooled around PB once again, and went to Nick and Neil's house. Chatted a bit with Nick and Chris and then with Neil and his roomie Justin, who recognized me from a party at the beginning of the year hahahha.. funny. Talked to Kathleen and Pete a little bit who really, I love dearly. They make me really happy when I talk to them. I just wish that they lived next door so we could play all the time. Pete also wrote really nice things about me in his journal.. and Nicole said good night to me. I guess it's just those little things that make me happy, that make me feel loved.

Tuesday, chilled... no classes.. got woken up by numerous phone calls, Vivian came over, we chilled, watched movies, and I proceeded to actually clean my room. We chilled some more.

So really... I only use this thing to complain and gripe. I guess.. I just don't want to harang people into listening to me whine like a little girl, so I just kinda blog it out. So I'm warning you know, read this with discretion... if you don't want to hear it, don't read it. Really.. you should stop reading now.

Okay.. now back to real time. It's been the first week of school.. and I'd hate to admit it, but really I can't stand it already. yuck. I think the problem is that I stacked my classes on MWF, and I have to be at school all day on those days, which sucks butt. Especially since I don't think live on campus anymore. My classes are alright, but just the in between time, and the amount of reading that's being assigned already. yikes. Anyways.. I discovered something about myself.. that really I'm such a bitch. Especially when I want to be. I can be quite the biggest snot in the world, but I guess everyone already knew that ... :P It's one of those self-epiphany things. I guess I can either be really sweet or really mean.. aiya. Anyways. today was a pretty crappy day, which is probably why I'm in an awful mood. I woke up really late, and probably would have slept all day if it wasn't for Vivian calling me (thank you). Went to class, and then sat around for a long while feeling like a big loser. Price Center was busy, but I really had nothing to do, I felt so blah like I really wanted to either shoot myself, or go home and sit on my ass and do nothing. Went to my 2:30 class, and then tried to get into another class after that. I didn't get in, but it's okay because I realized I didn't really want to be in that class after sitting in it for 10 minutes. It was really slow and boring... not so much the class.. but umm. the teacher. And there was people in that class that I would have rather avoided... so I have 4 more quarters.. no hurry. But it was good that I went because I talked a little to Katie (hopefully I didn't catch her strep throat) and I got to see Rod who I haven't seen in forever since he's been in DC. But he's such a great guy... I definitely need to chill with him more. Made a run to costco, and then back to Vivian's after not deciding to add another class. Did some stalking (I'm so lame and pathetic) and watched Sex in the City again (yet another pathetic loserish act). Went to the Triton Jam, saw some more people, and then came home. Over all, it doesn't really sound like a bad day, but I guess it was just draining. And today I seemed to have such a short patience level. I got annoyed quite easily today with multiple things and multiple people. I realized that I don't have any money, and I don't think that those GAP people are going to call me back. I hate the UTC gap.. boo on them. In the other end of work that put me in a bad mood, I find out that I'm working at the doubleheaders this weekend, but I don't get to do book. I have to do spotting and stat board. Which aren't difficult, but my favorite thing is to do book. And I was so excited when Rhiannon told me that she wasn't going to work this weekend, and I would get to do it, but YET... I STILL don't get to do it. Isn't that what I gave up my christmas break to drive back and forth for... to get these perks. Because really I've been waiting for three years for Rhiannon to not be available, and when she's not, I still don't get it? I think that's jacked. Another thing...although people think I have a lot of friends... really people need to realize that I know a lot of people, but I don't have a lot of real close friends. And it's all very sporadic, and I'm not really part of anything. I don't really feel like I really belong anywhere, or with anyone. Like people have their groups of friends, and people that they call up when they're going out, and I really don't have that.. at all. Not to belittle the friends I have now, because I love them dearly, but sometimes I wish it were like freshman year again when it was just all a big party and we all just lived next to each other. I guess I'm feeling the angst of living off campus in my not-so-friendly townhouse. And then there are those friends, who say your good friends, but when it comes down to it, and those little things, you might be one of their friends, but are they one of your friends? Or just your friend when it's convinient, or they feel like it? This ambivalence doesn't really sit with me well. I can't really understand it, I guess it's too complicated for me, or I'm just too needy, or simple. And everyday I'm one step closer to realizing that I'm going to be a spinster and die an old woman with cats. Really.. people are all like "no... that's not true" but I don't see anything that gives me hope. The only guy that has said I was cute is gay.. that really doesn't do me so much good. Vivian thinks it's because I scare away boys because I'm scared of them, but it's all an internal thing. And maybe I'm not whorish enough.. but really do I want to be like that? So really.. what am I supposed to do? What can I do.. nothing.. which is exactly my problem.. I have to sit and wait around while this whole thing swirls around me in circles and really doesn't go anywhere. It doesn't seem like guys think anything of me, and really I don't think they ever will. I'm like everyone's buddy... which is not bad, but it's not so handy in my current situation. And plus.. people have been like "wow Jean.. you lost a lot of weight huh?" when really I don't know if I have, but I do know that I'm still fat, so really how fat was I to begin with? Not that I don't appreciate the compliments, because if I look better, then that's great, but I just worry about the delusional light that I see myself in. And speaking of delusions, I realized that's why my friends are great for. Your friends are there to reassure you and give you moral boosters "you're ten times cuter than her," "oh he definitely likes you," "he didn't want you to leave," "why wouldn't he like you, you made him laugh the whole time," but I guess in the end it just lets me fall from a greater height. Or wonder why the things that they say aren't coming true? But then I would be mad at my friends if they didn't say those things, because in my own little world, I think they're true... so really.. I'm just a really confused and complicated girl. ish. I guess I'm just tired... tired of my stasis in life right now. Tired of trying so hard with no result, tired of not being invited to things, tired of wondering what's going on, tired of school, tired of not feeling like one of the "cool" kids, tired of not being "pretty" enough, tired of trying to please everyone, tired of having to put up with people and their idiotic notions, tired of trying to figure people out, tired of wanting to be liked, tired of feeling lonely and unloved, tired of being boyless, tired of worrying so much, I'm tired and I don't want to have to deal with anything anymore.

ew.. I hate rude customers. They suck a lot of butt. Aside from the normal... yesterday was rude customer day at the GAP. It was horrible. One after another all four of us at one time or another got harassed by idiotic people. This lady yelled at Tracy for not giving her back a shirt that was in her bag the entire time, this lady took a bag when Derek said he couldn't give it to her and said "if he wanted it back she'd give it right back" because she needed to spit in it. Sick.. there was a trash can right outside lady. Not that it's really not something I shouldn't be used to already, I've had multiple people yell at me and give me dirty looks and what not, but I guess it just happened in awhile. So anyways.. I was helping this lady, and I was being really nice, asking her if she wanted gift receipts, and boxes, and she pretty much was rude and ignored me but I was nice and gave it to her anyways. And then I helped her friend, and her friend said she wanted a large paper bag. Since she bought a large sweater I gave her one because I just really didn't feel like dealing with it. Then, this lady, who bought like two tiny shirts wanted a large paper bag. And since a) it was ridiculous to give her a large paper bag for her tiny little purchase, and b) we really didn't have that many bags anyways. I told her we were running low, and I couldn't really give her one. (I said it nicer than that though.) But anyways.. any normal person would have been like okay, and walked away.. maybe a little annoyed, but they would have understood and gotten over it.. because it's that time of the season. You can't expect stores to have all the gift boxes and paper bags you want because everyone and thier mother (literally) is asking for them. Anyways.. so she threw this big hissy fit, and tossed her bag on the counter and said "give me a paper bag or return my stuff." So I paused for two seconds, and started to return her clothes. She gave me the option right? And I really wasn't about to give her a bag. So she threw another hissy fit because I was returning her stuff and wanted to speak to my manager. Threw an attitude at my manager and when he gave her a bag she said "that's right... you need to re-train her" It was just dumb because I know how to do my job, and I do it well.. dammit. I was talking to my best friend, Angelee, who is like princess of shopping (her mom's the queen) and she feels as if I should have complied with these customers, because it's my job, and not my place to pull principle and what not. Like.. I should stick to that rule of the "customer is always right" which really.. I hate that saying.. because.. really.. as I've said before... I hate rude customers. And after thinking about it.. I don't want to sound like I'm whining and complaining, because really.. my job is customer service.. but it's those extreme customers that I dislike.. *sigh.. I don't know.. it's really hard to explain if you don't go through it. And not like customer service in general.. but at this specific store. Like.. I never had any problems like this in San Diego.. but I don't know.. it's hard to explain.. but that was my gripe. I just really dislike when people expect the world when really, they don't deserve it. And this is in all walks of life, not just retail. People complain all day long about things they themselves do, and it's just bothersome.. but I'm sure I do it too.. Everyone does.. it's part of being human I guess. And really.. too complicated to blog about... but something that's been bugging me lately.

Which really.. I've decided that that's what I really use my blogger for. To talk when no one else will listen. what a sad and pathetic life I lead. blah. oh well. I have to be at work in 8 hours. yes.. I've spent 9 hours at the mall for the past four days in a row. It's wonderful.. the mall during christmastime is a craze.. but it's kind of comforting... like method in madness. It's nice to be busy.. stress, but still really at least it gives you something do you ya know? Am I making any sense at all?

I AM SUCH A BAND GEEK!

Okay.. so aside from spending close to 6 years of my life in band, and then trying to attempt to re-join other sorts of bands for 1 or 2 more years, there is always a part of me that will always love band. So here's my story. It's my second day back at work at the mall (go GAP) haha... and I was on my lunch break. I was way tired, but not as tired as the day before, because I had wisely chosen to wear jeans and my adidas instead of a skirt and mary jane platforms. Anyways.. so I'm chillaxin' and eatin, and on the stage, there's an elementary school band tuning up! And they're getting ready to play some Christmas songs. It was sooooo cute. And there were all these parents sitting around, and watching, and video taping (on a Monday afternoon nonetheless).. how sweet. So once I finished my food I walked over to go to Kaybee Toys (to look for a replacement for my sad broken Nsync watch) and before I went in... I HAD to stop and listen because a) they were SOOOO cute and b) it was nostalgia and c) because they were playing christmas songs. But it was soooo cute. And I got that tingly feeling when these two flutists did a Deck the Halls duet. It was so cute. I totally miss being in band. And like it was fun trying to be in the North High band, but really not the same because I didn't really go there. And 'dorkestra' wasn't any better, (although it did help to have cute violinists.. hehehe) and now wind ensemble.. although fun as it may be... I have lost a lot of my skill in fluting, and it's not so fun, when you're not really playing the music. And I dunno.. these concerts, where no one you know really even comes to them, at least no one you I know.. but there's just that *spark missing I suppose. But probably mostly because who knows how well I could play if I had stuck to it.. but I dunno.. maybe someday I will pick it up again, and practice, and be good again. It can be another of those lifetime goals. :)

Anyways.. work has been alright, except my FEET HURT SOOOO MUCH everyday. yikes.. I'm so not used to standing for 8 hours everyday. blahh.. but.. Kathryn DID make my day by sending me a tin of cookies! And they're soooooo good. My mother had to pry the tin out of my hands. THANKS BUTTRYN!! YOU'RE A ROCK STAR! I'm way excited.. I gotta find some time to make some cookies and calorie bars and what not.. :) hehe.. I LOVE not going to school.

well.. I haven't blogged in awhile, but I guess I just didn't feel like it. nothing exciting really. came home from school, went out to lunch and took Carrie to the airport. then went to go have my wisdom teeth taken out. DUDE it sucked. I sat there in a chair and at first the dentist put this gel on my gums that made it kinda numb, and then he tried to put this other numbing stuff in my mouth, but it was in the form of a BIG NEEDLE!! and i completely freaked and jumped out and cried for like a minute. and then just closed my eyes and went through with the operation. I'm sure the dentist thought I was a huge baby. But it was really weird because at one point I went to go scratch my chin, and I could feel the flesh on my chin, but my chin couldn't tell it was being touched. I guess that numbing stuff works REAL well huh? So I closed my eyes, while the rest of the operation was finished. The first tooth took FOREVER to take out, and I figured, hey... if it didn't want to come out, isn't that the point? Just leave it be.. but I guess it doesn't really work that way. A little later I was done, and I chilled, watched TV, took Vicodin and went to bed. that's pretty much how the last two days have been. My sister came by yesterday.. yay! We watched Dawson's Creek and Felicity together.. and she looks so cute! She cut her hair.. aw that kinda makes me want to cut my hair.. but then, I can't look like her! Tomorrow I gotta drive back to SD for work. Hopefully I'll get to play with Kimmy and her calorie bars.. hahaha..

ps.. my mom's a dork. you know that lame commercial with the titanic spoof of the old lady throwing the 'heart of the ocean' diamond of the edge of the boat, and then diving it afterwards realizing how much it's worth and then pawning it off and then become all rich. my mom LOVES that commercial.. how funny. she's a funny monkey.

yay!!! no more tests, no more books, no more teacher's dirty looks. (or in my case, mean TA's)

hahahah.. anyways.. i'm SOOOO done with school and it's been long enough dammit. 10 long long weeks. But yes, I'm finally done (sorry for gloating guys, but this was NOT a fun quarter)

The day after the date auction, I got my butt outta bed and had my meeting with the Kiwanis to start up USD again...umm.. anyone want to help me? please? But yeah, then went to work, and UCSD WOMEN'S SOCCER won the NCAA Div II National Championships!! Whoo hoo! This is the second year in a row that we won it, and the third consecutive year overall (the first year is Div III) Dude.. our soccer team kicks a lot of butt. But it was really cool because I got a little special pass that said "EVENT STAFF" and got to go in special places and had food provided, and I got a walkie talkie (yup.. that means I was REALLY important) hahah.. I love my job. Anyways.. come home, chilled, refused to do my papers, so I watched Varsity Blues. I LOOOOOOVE that movie. It's sooo good. Then I went to bed. (yeah.. I was real productive)

The next day, (monday), woke up late, tried to get some paper done, but wasn't so successful. Went to the San Diego State meeting and then came home, loafed, and wrote my COHI 117 paper. Went to bed really late. Tuesday, I got my butt outta bed at 10:30am went to school to turn in my paper and came home, and tried to write my papers... I mostly read. And watched the Real World Marathon (Kristen's fault) and the Season Finale... aww.. it was soooo sad..but cute at the same time. I would love to be on the Real World, I think that would be awesome.. it's my new goal. Ü Then I tried do my last two papers... but I got in a fight with my mom.. (yes.. again) and was in a really rotten mood. I made Vivian take a drive with me, we went to La Jolla Shores, Mt. Soledad (yeah.. we made out), and In 'N' Out. yup.. drowning out sorrows in chocolate milkshake. Then came back, read, fell asleep and said I'd do it tomorrow.. hah.

Wednesday, I was supposed to re-write my COCU paper.. but I couldn't wake up!! So I woke up an hour before it was due, re-wrote it and had Vivian fix it up (I TOTALLY OWE YOU VIVIAN) and sped to school to turn it in. Then came home, attempted to do my COSF paper... and had to read all these articles first. That took FOREVER. Finally got cracking and pumped out my 6 page paper, complete with references in 1.5 hours. hehe.. that's pretty good, but I'm not really going to comment about the quality of it. Sped to school (again) late and turned it in where I got the NASTIEST look from Cynthia. yuck. But heck.. I was done with my finals, so at that point.. I was like... whatever. Went to Ichibans with Vivian, Kristen, Jill-A, Amanda and Becca for a finals week sushi dinner. whoo hoo! It was good stuff, Vivian totally pigged out.. haha jk. Then drove over to Chris, Mikey and Albert's because it was Chris' birthday!! Happy 21st to him. Too bad he had finals to study for still. And HARD finals.. Chris is a smart boy with smart boy classes (engineering). We delivered his chocolate cake, and chilled for a bit, and got to hang out with Katie Riggs too! yay! But.. Mikey got Chris the BEST birthday present.. hehe.. he bought Chris The Sims game and the HOT DATE EXPANSION PACK!! Next to the e-Kara popstar microphone, that's what I totally wanted. yes yes yes.. I know I'm lame, and I actually want this computer game about going on dates, but it's fun!! So we're going to go back to Chris and Mikey's to go help them pack (they're moving) and play HOT DATE. hehehehe. I'm so excited. Then went and pigged out again on celebratory ice cream at Ghiradelli's (mmm...) with Kathryn, Nadia, Fatima and Kari. I could eat ice cream all day. Had to pay for parking (grr..) and realized I HAD nooooo money... but I fished $4 in changed out and gave it to a very dissapointed parking guy. oops.. sorry.

Later.. I conned Vivian into coming over so that I could keep her up while she typed her paper... and stayed up with her all night.. then went to a Kiwanis breakfast.. soooooo tired. I wanted to pass out while driving. (bad news) .. Then came back, passed out in my bed while Vivian finished up her paper, and half of my cupcakes.. hahaha.. Then I slept ALL day.. woke up at 6pm, and I'm just chillin. It's good not to have any school.. I love it. :)

I talked to my daddy today.. he's so cute! (that's all I wanted to say about him) But I'm excited because I get to work book this weekend for the basketball games.. that's my favorite thing to do! yaaay! Go UCSD basketball... I'll get to see Mike and his broken nose.. hehehe.. :( poor Michael. but that's my life.. nothing too interesting.

duude.. tonight started out as a fun night.. but ended kind of sourly. yuck

well. after staying up way late for no good reason last night, I woke up at 2pm (yup.. i'm a bum) yesterday, bummed around until 3pm... chit chatting, and kinda sorta cleaning my room... and then showered and got ready to go the foothill date auction. michelle, sakura and I drove there and had a good time. it was pure comedy and absolutely hilarious and a great time. ryan and beth's script was all cheesy and full of lame pick up lines ... and the sad part was.. that I knew them all. hahaha.. damn.. i can't use them anymore. anyways.. so yeah. I made Michelle buy Petey, but eh.. whatever.. it's a good time. I was gonna bid of on someone, but then the prices got ridiculously high, $200 for Salamanca!! although..there was a reason for that.. but... $90 for Regala... Joe West. hahah.. and that was the "real" high bid of the night.. but whatever. I'm really proud of them for raising such a great amount of money.. and Ryan and Beth and Salamanca did an awesome job planning it. Everyone who went had a good time... especially Kathy! hahahaha.

Anyways... we tagged along to dinner at Macaroni Grill afterwards, especially since our ride was on a date.. and then just chilled, and ate.. and schmoozed. While drive home, Michelle got pulled over. saaaad :( and the cops were such jerks. It was no fun at all. And while we were waiting I was going to run into the gas station, and they made me stay in the car.. "for my safety" What retards. I hate cops that have their heads up their butts and just ride way too high on their power trips to be nice to someone. I think they should have better things to do that make people feel bad at 2am, or hide in intersections waiting for people who don't make full and complete stops. I'm all for safety and what not.. but ridiculous citations and what not are just a waste of everyone's time. yuck. (that goes for those retarded RSO's at school, and some of those CSO's too... not Jason though.. Ü) he's the best one out there.. haha. I guess I just feel bad because it's like I made Michelle go, and I made her drive for my own selfish reasons... boooooooo. I'm sorry Michelle... :(

so yeah.. basically I'm a moron. for those of you who already knew that.. no big news.. but here's the latest reason why, and yet another thing for people to make fun of me about. Last monday I went to the ucsd cki banquet, and then a week later when I couldn't find my wool coat I thought I lost it. I whined and complained for a whole week because i was so bummed that I lost my wool jacket, and I had no clue where I could have lost it... and today.. I FOUND IT IN MY CLOSET. yup. i felt like a moron.

aaaaanyways. umm... let's see. This week has been blah. I've spent all week being so tired.. for really no good reason at all, but here it is.

NOVEMBER 24
after my retarded blogs (sorry guys) that day i slept and then chilled with the fam, and then drove home. it kinda sucked though because it was all rainy and gross and trafficky. also.. i don't think it helped that i wanted to fall asleep.. but anyways. I got home.. attempted to do some homework, and then went to go see a play at my school: Life's a Dream. It was a really really good play, maybe the best graduate production I've seen so far. Mike Ratterman and Vivian's new obsession were in it.. AS WELL AS my acting TA Erik Johnson. dude.. he's soooooo awesome.. he's going to be fucking famous one day..I guarantee it. He's phenomenal. Enough gushing.. but later that night we went to Mikey, Chris and Albert's awesome PB house. It was so cute.. and it was complete with a "man room" which was their garage converted into a chill room with couches, cool posters and a foosball table (which I KICKED Neil's ass in.. hahaha) It was so Al Bundy No Ma'am type deal... it was so chill... I loved it. We watched Almost Famous on their super fly sound system, and then I drove home my drunkard friends, all the while my car was being turned into the bootymobile... siiiiick.

NOVEMBER 25
I woke up late.. had a lazy day.. then went to Fashion Valley with Vivian. I'm very proud of myself.. I didn't buy anything.. yay me. Then ate dinner at Viv's and did birthday present preparations. It was fun.. birthdays are fun... i love birthdays.. they are a big deal no matter what anyone says.. *mom.. *pete.. *losers
oooooh.. this is why I was so tired this week. On Sunday night I stayed up really really late talking to various people about lots of different things. And also catching up on work that needed to be done.. that I just decided not to go to bed that night because when I was done it was like 6:30 and I had class at 8am. this drained me alllll week.

NOVEMBER 26
Went to class, class, circle k meeting, chillin with sakura, reading, sleep.

NOVEMBER 27
class, point loma kiwanis mtg, reading sleep, mania came over!!
OH YEAH.. happy TWENTY FIRST birthday to peter holiday.. i had to be nice to him for 24 hours.. that was excruciatingly painful..

NOVEMBER 28
DUUUUDE. I went to the INCUBUS CONCERT!! it was so awesome.. I was brave enough to go on the floor, and I was so smushed and had a million people groping me that night I'm sure, and at the end of the night I probably had sweat of all kind in my clothes. Yuck.. BUT IT WAS FUN. haha.. i didn't feel so good at the end of that night though. first I got lost from vivian from all the pushing and shoving and squishing. then someone landed on my head while they were crowd surfing. i swear my neck could have been broken or something. although.. i'm sure i would have been able to tell right away.. maybe it just got jammed. and then i fell once, and then a second time! the second time was way scary though because like 20 other people fell on top of me, and then got up, and then 10 more people fell on top of me. At that point I decided I was not having so much fun anymore and wanted out. found vivian.. we watched from afar... but they are so incredibly awesome and talented. i spent most of the time just watching brandon sing, and he seems to really put himself into his music and what he does.. it's great. i almost got to touch him too, but there were tall guys all around me with much longer arms.. booo... and then waited outside afterwards to see if we could meet them like we did with GAVIN ROSSDALE and weezer. but i had a horrific headache and my contacts were bothering me and it was butt cold, AND we didn't get to see BRANDON BOYD, so it was not so fun either. But.. I did get to see Kilmore rather up close being driven away. I did lose my old navy shirt though after taking it off because it was too drenched with sweat (yuck). and I was really pissed because i felt like i was losing EVERYTHING!! (keep in mind this was before i found my jacket IN MY CLOSET!!) got dropped off at home, and then tired and sore, showered and then went to bed.

NOVEMBER 29
class at 8am.. yuck, it was a rainy day :(, tutoring kids..., watched dawson's and felicity.. awww.. i want a pacey! or a ben.. (YEAH NICOLE.. BEN.. NOEL IS LAME) and this is a question that I have. when did dawson leery get so unbelievably hot. i was watching this episode.. and he's sooooo cute. I don't understand, and it's not like i really ever though before.. but he just was so irresistable in this episode. yikes. but yeah.. dawson's and felicity are definitely guilty pleasures. then i went to LA Fitness (in San Diego.. haha) with Vivian and we worked out.. I ran for a mile.. good for me eh? It was bad though because my arms and stomach already hurt mucho from the concert the night before.. so i added pain on top of that.. no good. but it was alright..

NOVEMBER 30
that's today!! LAST DAY OF THE QUARTER.. ALRITE!! i'm so excited this quarter is over. it seems like it's been way too long. like the vendor fair was sooooo long ago. but this quarter has seemed to drag on foreeeever.. and so i am not really sad to see it go at all. especially that cosf 100 class. but YAY!!! so i'm done with classes.. which is awesome. and all of my finals are PAPERS!! whoo hoo.. so I don't actually have to take any tests.. figures.. i should probably be working on them now, or cleaning my room.. but that's why I'm blogging. haha.. but after my classes I went to work at the NCAA Final Four for women's soccer. yay!! i felt all special.. I had a special seat with a sign with my name on it.. and then i got a special pass type deal. hehee.. i love my job. i EVEN had a walkee talkee.. hehe.. those always make you feel important. but i had to call in what was going on in the game so that Ray could update it on the website so people could look at the game on goings.. live. cool huh? well.. UCSD was in the final four.. and it was AWESOME. the first part of the game was pretty uneventful.. but it quickly got exciting. but .. WE WON our semi-final game and we're going to the championships!!! yay! and the crowd was incredible. they were cheering throughout the whole game.. it was great. people who think that there are no sports at our school are kinda right.. but at the same time.. it's there if you want to be part of it.. you just need to go out and support it, so I'm glad that people came out tonight.. it was so fun.

other than that.. not too much else. going to the foothill date auction tomorrow.. hahaha.. it's going to be comedy. still feel like a moron about my jacket.. but EXTREMELY happy that i didn't lose it. it made my day. so happy that this quarter is done with. still very tired, but yet.. still procrastinating as you read. some things never change eh?

this blog is only for my purely selfish reasons to make myself feel better. after wallowing in my own self pity after talking to a friend.. i feel like i am the lamest soul in the world. for a lot of different reasons. i guess it has to do with my self image... or my friends, my family.. or the boys.. or more like the lack there of.. and i guess all the other things that teenage adolesence makes you deal with. and i do it a lot, but i end up comparing myself to a lot of other people.. which is not a good thing to do. but i guess.. i just wanted to let people know that I was unhappy in this moment (as i'm sure that you really care) and ask for people to cheer me up I guess... drop me an email to say hello and that you love me and what not and to cheer me up, because really it would make my day.. even if I never admit to it. I guess every once in awhile someone just has hear the good things about themselves, from other people.. and not from themselves and they're stuart smalley reassurance methods. It's nice to know that they really are loved... and although you can say that it's always there.. every so often they need to hear it. *dude.. i must seem super shallow right now.. sorry guys.

I can't believe Thanksgiving weekend is almost over, or at least it feels that way. It's Friday night and I REALLY don't want to go back to school. Although it is only for one more week of school and one week of finals, where I don't even really know how many finals I have.. but whatever. (yes.. i'm only in school for two more weeks.. don't you hate me?)

Thursday was fun. I slept until 4:30pm.. yes I know, I'm a lazy bum. But to my defense I went to bed way late that night, and I hadn't slept like all the week before, so I guess I'm just catching up right? Anyways.. woke up, showered, and then chilled until it was time for dinner. Had a yummy dinner with my parents, my sister, and then my "aunt's" nephew and his cousin. And then just chilled, watched my movies, and talked to my friends on the phone. Consoled my poor friend Vivian who had issues of all sorts... all just part of being a girl. After that, I decided that boys are not worth the trouble.. and from now on.. just to go with the flow.. sounds good right? Let's see what really happens. But anyways..

Friday.. SHOPPING! It's the day after Thanksgiving, the BIGGEST shopping day of the year.. and I didn't have to work this year.. hahah. Anyways.. Angelee, my forever shopping partner, picked me up, went to the Galleria (the best mall ever) and chowed on our usuall favorite.. the cheesesteak... mmm... Then did the usual: Nordstrom's, GAP, Banana, Abercrombie, Victoria's Secret, all the various shoe stores, Forever 21, etc.. All the stores in the mall worth going, we went to. Did our damage to our credit cards, and then.. Went to another mall.. Del Amo. hahah. Anyways.. just perused around a little bit. I did run into a million and two high school people who it was good to see and just say hi to.. Larissa, April, Nancy CHOOONNNNG.. high school friends are good to run into to just remember the good times. Talked to my good friend Benji (who is single by the way ladies.. intellectual CS major at MIT who is also in a fraternity and on the gymnastics team (think Blaine Wilson)) haha. Anyways. Poor him.. I heard about all the trauma he had with people confiscating his scissors (hah) and some lady taking his luggage thinking it was hers.. sad sad. Anyways.. came home, ate turkey leftovers INSTEAD of going to El Torasco which I was so looking forward too. (aka.. excellent mexican food) And my sister bought these little cakes for my birthday present.. yay! And my mom gave me a birthday gift.. yay! My family is fun. Anyways.. watched the *NSYNC ATLANTIS CONCERT... oh my gosh.. soooo hot. JC, LANCE, JUSTIN, JOEY, CHRIS.. so great, so talented, and they make me melt. I love them. :) (yes.. I can hear you gagging.. stop it right now) But they are incredible.. and you really can't deny that fact.. unless you can sing and dance better than they can.. and I'd like to see it.. CUZ YOU CAN'T! Nicole's so right.. they're not a boy band.. they're a MAN BAND! hehe.

Anyways.. I hung up on poor Benji for them, so I talked to him later that night about his sordid love life. Dude.. girls can be such jerks sometimes. (but so can guys, so don't think that guys are so harmless or whatever) And just kinda talked... it was a good time. But now.. it is time for bed.. I gotta drive back to SD tomorrow and watch a play for class.. booo... but hopefully it will be fun. I can cure Vivian of her boredness help her resist her temptations.. aka.. I'm just going to be eating ice cream, complaining about boys, and watching depressing movies all night. fun... or.. maybe we'll find some fun place to go and get obliterated. haha.. that sounds like a plan. Ü umm. just kidding. that's my plan for next year.... riiiight

PS. I was supposed to hang out with Elizabeth Fujiura tonight.. but no.. SHE DITCHED ME. yuck. and I bet she won't even call me tomorrow.. what a jerk.. :P

I absolutely love my friends. I have come to realize lately that I have some pretty awesome friends.

Yesterday.. well two days ago now actually.. it was my birthday.. yay! :) And it was just kinda chill. I was suuuper tired because I had a midterm that morning (booo) and I had a paper due the day before and was at FTC all weekend before that (more to tell later). Failed my midterm, and hung around school waiting for my ride home. But instead, went to Carlsbad to go shopping, and then ate at Chipotle and then to Trader Joe's. Where I talked to Phil, who I haven't seen in a long time, and Vivian let him know that it was my birthday and he told me to pick out some flowers. aww... *sweet. So I "got flowers from Phil" and then crack-whore came over and gave me flowers and this funny funny card. I guess it makes up for her DITCHING ME FOR A BOY.. but whatever. haha.. she wouldn't be my crack-whore if she didn't do things like that. :P Anyways.. I got messages and emails from my friends all day, and THEN found out that my sister was going to the BRITNEY SPEARS concert. ew.. what a bum.. She didn't even invite me.. she better have picked me up some bad ass souvenir. Anyways.. then all my girls came over and we ate and chit chatted and hung out. It was good, now that we don't live in the dorms we never really get together and just all hang out. Jill-A, Stup, Patty, Kimmy Gibbler, Vivian, Becca, and Sakura all came over, and I got a couple presents. It was fun just hanging out with them and we all did the whole girl talk business.. haha. and we also watched Real World. I TOTALLY miss living in the dorms because of this very reason. We never get to just chill whenever, and I can't just sleep in my friend's bed or they can run in and sing the rise and since song to wake me up and we never have dance parties anymore. *sigh.. memories. this is when you really don't want to grow up. Anyways.. needless to say I had a fun birthday.

FTC was so awesome. It was the best FTC I've ever been to, and Nicole is way rad. She's my new idol. Anyways.. after a way traumatic Thursday night of fighting with my mom and then losing my gas cap and bawling while on the phone with Beth in a gas station parking lot I finally got to Beth's apartment and chilled with the District Board. Then dragging Salamanca out to take me to Kinko's.. THAT WAS CLOSED! ooh.. I was so mad. Anyways.. getting no sleep, I went up the mountain to FTC with Beth. We did the whole Board meeting thing, among talking about mucho other things. Got settled in, got to be in the presence of Pete Holiday *the International Vice President* oooOOOOOooooo (hahaha)... and everyone else in the district and waited all day for my division to arrive. We did opening session where I made a big fool out of myself.. but it's okay.. because people enjoyed it (when do they not enjoy watching other people be idiots?) Then I just kinda chilled all night. Saturday, workshops, business, food, service project, Kathy's and mine's AWESOME icebreaker workshop. And then I played in the basketball tournament with Pete, Becca, and Kieu. We won our first game and LET Joe and Joey win the next game cuz we didn't want to play anymore and Becca and I had to leave for the New Member Install. But yeah.. I scored the first basket of that game.. and it was nothing but net *whoosh!*. I rock. Anyways.. PTP rafflin, dance. yada yada yada. Then SAA'ing aka.. telling people not to sneak out for the meteor shower. I'm sure I made a lot of enemies that night. I told Ellie that I felt like I was border patrol on the US side trying to catch all the hoodlums that were trying to blend into the dirt trying to sneak into the US. haha.. Kathy was the head hoodlum! Anyways.. breakfast, then closing session, pictures, goodbyes, hanging out with the District Board afterwards. And then back to Torrance where I napped and then drove back to SD. Tried to write my paper, and tried to study for my midterm. *gosh.. I can't wait until school is over.

So now it comes full circle back to my birthday. And today.. I had no classes! whoo hoo.. they all got cancelled.. I slept in for once this year, and then Vivian brought my pictures to me. They're cute. I drove home in only mildly insane traffic. But I did take the Toll Road which made it a TON faster. I was really really tired though.. I wanted to fall asleep. And I wanted to talk to someone, but I couldn't think of anyone that I could call that would talk to me. so.. I just tried not to pass out. Even my blasting radio didn't help.. yikes. Anyways.. came home, slept (again) and then went to Angelee's house. That girl is a TON of fun. we chilled, looked at my pictures, I ate, watched Dawson's and Felicity until we left. I met some of her friends, Harsh and Bradley. And then I went to Rick Berman's (the exec producer of Star Trek.. shyeah.. )house because Harsh was high school friend's with his son Tom. They have a NICE house, and I got a gaze at the emmy. DUDE... I want to be like that when I grow up. That's awesome. All those snotty folks who go to Harvard-Westlake.. they all have niiiiice houses. After we stopped gawking and drooling we attempted to go to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, but it was closed, so we went to Wendy's instead. Then to Brad's house and chillaxed there. Before I drove everyone home. Buuut.. Angelee did give me my birthday present.. yes yes.. I now own the new Britney CD. Yay! Tonight was a fun time. I just hope I don't get in trouble for coming home too late. Yes.. I'm 20 years old and in college, and my parents still feel the need to treat me like I'm 5 years old. It's great.

Anyhoo.. time to hit the sack.. *night y'all. Happy Turkey Day.

I am so unbelievably excited that it is the weekend you would not even know. Hmm.. my week... has been busy. On Wednesday.. I slept through my morning class, :( but thankfully she didn't give us a quiz, but told us there was one on Friday (same day as my dumb COSF midterm). boo. And then I proceeded to go to Chem and COSF and section. mm.. that's a whole bunch of fun. I don't remember what I did Wednesday night, but I'm sure it was both boring and unproductive. That seems to be a growing trend in my life lately. (i'm sad and lame huh?) Thursday, class.. watched Being There.. which everyone says is such a great movie, but you know what? I absolutely hate it. It seems moronic this idea of this man who knows absolutely nothing and everyone thinks that he's an absolute genius. It's and interesting concept, but it really doesn't seem plausible. If I ever talked to him, and he was talking about gardening and whatever else nonsense, I wouldn't think they were metaphors, I would just think he has problems. I don't see why everyone is so infatuated with this movie, I can't even stand to watch it, but mm.. maybe I'm the demented one.. or just the stupid one who doesn't see the "meaning" of fabulous movies like that.

Anyways.. then I tried to go to the Point Loma Kiwanis Luncheon, yet again. This time, I found the right place, but yet.. they changed their meeting dates! oh.. how frustrating. So Kieu and I went to the tail end of the UC Kiwanis meeting and then I dragged her to the tshirt place to turn in my designs for my paradise shirts. Dude.. I'm so excited.. my shirts are going to kick so much ass. Ü yay! Anyways.. so I went home before the Cal State San Marcos banquet and instead of reading, I just fell asleep. hah.. Went to the banquet, and came home.. tried to study.. (the night before my midterm.. like always). And yet.. didn't. I'm so lame, I didn't want to study at all and ended up talking on the phone for like 3 or 4 hours. It's insane, and then was online for another 1 or 2 hours.. before I really started cracking down. Then I decided to take a little nap.. 15 minutes.. haha.. turned into like 4 hours.. woke up, tried to cram for my quiz, went to class, bs'ed through my quiz, tried to cram is COSF info, Kiwanis Luncheon, bs'ed through my midterm, another nap (i like naps.) and then women's volleyball game that I actually could enjoy as a fan and not as a worker. It was great, and I love the men's volleyball team because they sit around and harass the other team, and it's funny because they actually know what they're talking about, they're not just annoying parents or fans who think they know what they're talking about but don't. And they also use the game programs to single out members of the other teams and harass them as well. It was hilarious. The men's team is great about supporting the women's team.. it's really nice. Anyways.. went to Taylor's party which is always a good time. I was DD tonight, which was fine because I can have a good time sans alcohol.. and besides.. I don't touch the stuff because I'm not 21 .. riiiiiight. Ü I saw my USD girls which I haven't seen in awhile.. and met some new friends of Ashley's from State. There's always a fun crowd. I was kinda bummed because I had to leave earlier than I wanted to because of my carpool. I guess I'm just sad I hardly get to hang out with Taylor and Ashley, and tonight was no different. There's a lot to say and a lot of things that tonight makes me think about, but here might not be the best place for them to be said. So this is where this story ends.

But I do also feel bad for my mom who called me today to see if I was coming home for the three day weekend. I gave up coming home to work this weekend, and have my DCM, but work is the main issue because ordinarily I could just go home after my DCM and still have a good couple of days at home, but I opted to work instead of going home. I could still go home on Sunday afternoon, but who knows. I feel bad because my mom extended this welcome to see if I would come home because I guess she feels that now that I have a car that I can come home more easily without having my dad to pick me up or me taking the train. But yet, I still don't go home that often, and when I do go home I'm usually running around doing Circle K stuff or other errands, or sleeping. It makes me sad because I feel like I'm neglecting my family, but I don't really mean to. I guess I just hope that my family knows that I still love them lots even though I don't go home all the time, and we fight when we are together. I dunno. Yikes.. I'm in a pensive mood right now. I think about all the things that I'm doing wrong and then depress myself over them.. shoot.. I need to stop this too. Haha.. maybe being as busy as I have been for the past couple weeks is a good thing, because although I kill myself over the things I need to get done, and I'm always tired beyond belief, at least I don't have time to worry about what a lame-o I am. yuck.

*disclaimer* sorry if this blog has offended you or put you in a bad mood. :(

Yikes... I'm in this slump of unmotivation and not wanting to do anything. It's kinda sad. I have a midterm that got pushed up from next Monday to this Friday (you suck Hallin) and I haven't really read at all. Sucks. And there's all this FTC shtuff I have to do... yikes. Anyways.. hmm.. I really haven't been doing much at all I guess.

On Halloween I worked at Women's Volleyball game and then went home. I was so utterly tired I didn't even want to go out, not to SAE, not to Gibbler's friend's, nowhere. Yes yes, I'm lame, I know. So I stayed home and watched Felicity and South Park.. :) Worked on Friday night again at the swim meet.. mm.. and I ate In N Out for dinner. Yum. Hmm.. I was trying to remember what I did all during the week, and I forgot and just assumed that I hadn't done anything. But no.. I did Masquerade Ball stuff all week. Yeah.. meeting with Sakura, driving around to places, going to school at midnight to post fliers, blah. Anyways.. Saturday was Masquerade Ball, as well as the same day that I bought my dress for Masquerade Ball. hehe.. I bought these two cute dresses, one was more party like a black pseudo wrap around dress with 3/4 sleeves and gold sparklies (oohh) and a more business type dress, it was just plain black sleeveless with one of those loose neck collars. It's cute, but I figured it wasn't really party attire, so maybe I'll wear it to the next board meeting or convention, or to the GAP or something. But.. I charged both of those on my credit card, granted they weren't too expensive because I went to Forever Skank and Charlotte Russe, but still.. $50 on my card for clothes.. hehe.. I wonder what my dad is going to say. :P

Anyways.. Masquerade Ball was alright, like all things that I do I feel like it could have been better, but it was good for the two weeks that Sakura and I had. I'm glad that most of my friends showed up. I hung out with Jill-A, Richard and Stup a little, Stup had the prettiest dress :), sung a little Karaoke, and hung out with Sakura, Beth, Ryan, Nicole, Jimmy, Manny, Stephanie, and unfortunately, Salamanca.. (just kidding). And plus everyone else on the boat. I tried to make friends :) I mingled a little bit with the peoples on the boat.. said "I hope to see you at FTC!" hehe.. just trying to help Nicole out.. whatever. Anyways.. Went to Denny's afterwards where I ordered a TON of food, and just gave half of it to Pete Weber anyways. Had a mini-drama over who was staying where, and drove home afterwards, and got to bed at 5am. We were all just really cranky and tired. boo. Anyways.. woke up Sunday, chilled, ate my free burritos.. hehe, and then went and worked out with Mania! Although I spent all of Monday being sore, it was still good. I also ran into Paul Dodge who is cool and chatted with him for a bit ... I might just have a new In N Out buddy. hehe. Monday I drove to San Marcos for their "board" meeting and missed the UCSD one. sadness, and that night dealt with all sorts of Circle K shiznit. I was so upset and I was probably being really annoying. I feel bad for my friends who I pestered last night.. :( I'll apologize later. Anyways.. I didn't go to class this morning.. but it's okay because we watched Being There, and I already saw it. And I have to work later, get a million things done for FTC and my DCM. Oh and I have a midterm on Friday, paper due next Wednesday and another midterm next thursday on top of everything else. Hmm.. didn't I go through this already? yikes..

for beth: fye