so i found out today that getting boys to like you are a lot like job interviews. you have to be really self confident with a "can do" attitude, you can't ever say anything bad about yourself.. it's that whole "turn negative into positives" thing, and especially don't put yourself down. and they both need to be the "right fit" for you. and you may twist, contort, train or whatever yourself to try to fit in the job or the boy.. but maybe it just doesn't end up working out. what else is there? ... but yea.. so ridiculous conversations, "pants theories" and all of this advice and i come out that it's essentially the same thing. selling yourself to an employer or to a member of the opposite sex. and also .. if they really want you - they will go after you. they will do what they have to do to date/hire you. otherwise.. "they're just not that into you"

oh how i will grow to hate those six words. (as if anyone ever liked them right? well someone did i guess :P) sure .. maybe they're supposed to be empowering or something. but really.. they kind of make me sad.. and it's like "the rules" or whatever.. i just don't get it. hahah.. maybe THAT is my problem. with jobs, with boys, with life. and don't worry.. this isn't a pity party blog. but i'm rather amused with it. and essentially.. i think everyone knows what they "should" do. but it's hard to actually do it. and this is why it's amusing. because when i am nervous - this bout of verbal diarrhea tends to arise, or complete malfunction.. where the only thing i can utter is "yea.." or "oh" or "that's good." mm. yea.. my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. that's right.

blech. wow. i think some people are waking up right now to go to work. i have yet to go to sleep. i'm still doing random stuff (not packing) andworking on stuff for my sister. i just feel like i should get it done. i can decide what to pack since i brought my laundry here... so i'm not TOTALLY procrastinating. i was supposed to wake up early - but of course. i did not. yea yea yea. be quiet.

apparently jason mraz played after an afternoon at his little benefit showcase thing. aww... i bet it was good. oh well. i had fun, went shopping with sakura, had dinner, and then hung out with beth a little bit afterwards. i was supposed to clean and pack and what not.. but i was tired so i put it off until this morning. today i did random stuff, laundry, sorting stuff, stuff for my play... which was my last one tonight :( next week is the last show and i won't be there. hah.. the person who is filling in is a "professional stage manager" hah.. oh what a drastic difference. but it's not hard and i didn't do a hideous job, and mandy and jeremy take care of most of the stuf anyways.. so they won't notice TOO much of a difference. i printed and mounted these production stills and i think they came out quite nicely. i was proud of myself. i drove from ucla-ish area to hollywood today.. traffic bites. argh. but it was mostly okay - except for the part where i almost rear-ended someone. i just spaced out for a bit, looking at a billboard or something and i guess i didn't realized traffic had stopped. i wasn't going very fast.. 30 or 40 maybe.. i was strolling, but i guess that's fast compared to a stop. so yea.. slammed on my brakes, screeching tires, stuff flying foward - but no accident.. so i am blessed for that. *phew*.. thank you to whoever saved me.

kristen and benji came tonight! yay!! thanks guys! afterwards was dinner/dessert at cat & fiddle with some of the cast and a final goodbye :) (plus the conversation as mentioned above :P) i'm sad that there are things that i can't be here for - the last show, my ex-work's potluck (those extra weeks of work i am not sad about), beth's adopt a family "party", benji's going away party, days of disneyland to go to before it's blocked out. sorry that i can't be at those things. i do wish i could! my manager (not the big boss) at my work said he's really going to miss me, and i could tell he meant it. and it made me feel good :) i am.... a little apprehensive about this funeral. and i hope it's not too bad.. there'll be lots of traditions and customs and what not. and not just chinese ones, but also ones specific to my small town my grandfather lived in. you know that they kept the body outside his apartment (in a coffin in a freezer) for display for a month, and each of his children have to spend 24 hours with it, to make sure it's okay, no one messes with it, and i think lighting incense. interesting huh? i'm supposed to be wearing all white (pants, shoes, shirt) as a grandchild (i think). do you know how hard it is to find white pants?! and i don't even know if the ones i got were okay. but yea. i hope my mom will be okay - but she is free from other stresses in her life, so she doesn't have to worry about that.

okay now i am just babbling to be procrastinative. this blog is longer than i had intended. and i don't really want to drive home right now. but i also don't to get stuck in morning traffic. argh.. it may have already even started. who who who knows... but i still have to pack! yikes!

have fun and stay safe kids! be good.

this lady at my work started blasting jason mraz from her computer.. i think the sold out album (mp3's that she ripped from my cd). can i just say how much i love that album. how much i love these songs? especially since i haven't heard them in awhile. *sigh* it makes me sad that i'm not going to that benefit thing tonight.. but i don't have the time to waste although i bet the concert would be good. i had a ticket available, but i also wouldn't want to go by myself. i wonder what he's going to play. i wonder how many 13 year old girls are going there in skanky skirts despite that that it's below 50 outside. i hope despite all the bitching and moaning jon is doing that he goes and tapes it. thanks man. speaking of which i need to load up my ipod before i leave. see! too much to do. i wish i could be doing it now. but i'm here at work.. bored. hoping i don't get in trouble for my flagrant use of "unauthorized" use of the internet. oh well.. what are they going to do? fire me? hah. :P if they haven't said anything today the reports and red flags won't go up until after a few days later... and then i will be goooone. besides.. it's not like i'm looking at porn :)

oh jason mraz.... <3

I bare my windowed self untamed and untrained
Dreams that hardly touch our complexions truest faults
If room enough for both my drowsy spirit shall fall
Bold waves tumble to the season of my heart
Where you have offended my faith and my trust
Until all is lost into the beauty of the day

But there's something in the way you laugh
That makes me feel like a child
Aspects of life they confuse me
You and your thesis amuse me

After and afternoon with you
And your rich brown eyes
Your lips and dark hair
Elbows and exposed knees tossing toward the ceiling
After an afternoon

Face to palm
Tear to tear
Mouth to tongue
Heart to ground
I am in love
-after an afternoon

suuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. last night during my semi-insomnia i discovered the coveted my so called life dvd available again on amazon.com. so i don't know if it was a bastardly trick.. but i held off on ordering it because i wasn't sure if my sister wanted the new one, if she wanted it shipped 1-day so i could take it back to taiwan for her, if she was okay with the used one for half the price. and i thought that 8 or so hours wouldn't make a difference. well apparently it has because i can no longer purchase it. argh! i got so far as "place order" and when i placed my order - no dice. i wonder now if i had just ordered it at 3am last night would i have gotten it, or would i have gotten the same result. if my reluctantness caused my demise in the hunt for these dvd's or what. i hate when i just let stuff slip through my fingers. but it always seems to happen that way. boooooo.

why i am still up.. i have no idea. i said i was going to sleep like 4 hours ago.. and then i did some crap (all not really productive of course) and now i am here. thinking about too much random crap.

i fuckin hate fuckin flakers. if you don't want to do something - then just say so. don't agree, flake and not even return calls.. i think that's so rude. i think that's why i always try to over-compensate and be extra nice because i hate this feeling. but then i just look like a loser since everyone is on par with the level of assholes that has become standard.

people need to friggin think sometimes.

i need to stop thinking sometimes.

arRrRrRgh.

my stomach is grrrrrowling even though i've eaten. i think it's digesting.. but it's loud..... maybe i'm coming down with acid reflux. har har har.. lame joke way late.

anyhoo.. 32 more minutes until i'm outta here for the day and then tomorrow is my last day at work. yay! and boo... yay because no more lame hours, lame rules about "proper use" and needing to wake up to just want to go back to sleep at work. boo because i will miss the people, and.. hmm. maybe that's all i'll miss. and the easy money, low stress work.. but the money will be coming in again .. as for low stress.. it shouldn't be too bad :) and i'm keeping my badge (shh..) i'm just hoping i don't royally screw things up - and i'm under-estimating myself and questioning my abilities just because i'm like that. i have been assured that i will do well and that i can do it.. so... i just gotta believe :P (haha.. remember that old ghost-writer episode where lenni did that music video called "you gotta believe") yeah.. i'm a dork. so what? i know someone out there knows what i'm talking about!

this week has been fun.. probably too much fun that i'm supposed to be having. i gotta do a bunch of stuff in the next few days before i leave. pack, wash clothes, clean up, record tv on to dvd, find the cordless phone, ooh..where did i put my passport? i really wanted to send out christmas cards before i left.. i dunno if i'll be able to. oh and maybe wrap a few christmas gifts :P anywys.. now i'm just babbling to myself.

it's time to go!! i was going to update more.. but it'll have to wait. whoooo hoo. well i can't be too happy my mom is leaving for taiwan today (again.) but i will see her again soon of course. hey.. anyone know where i can find white pants?

pictures from my birthday!

courtesy of erika's myspace :)

what you are
i am a slam-dancing sea captain who loves to mount samurais.

find out what you are and let me know! :)

so i don't have to be all hateful of nicole anymore, because i have my very own job!!! yaaaaaay!! i am a loser no more (well at least in the job aspect) and i feel good because i didn't have to compromise and settle for a job just to "have a job." after interviewing twice and not getting the job, while i wasn't a "good fit for that position" my interviewer still really liked me and thought i was a "good fit for the company." that's good right?! :) apparently so because i have a job :) and although my job isn't uber "glamorous" it is a step in the right direction and at a place that is good for my eventual superstar career :) they do graphics for movies, commercials, music videos, games.. etc etc... i do like the place, and the people i have met so far and there is always rooms for advancement.. which apparently is what everything is about. so while this message sounds totally canned i am very very VERY excited :) if i owe you anything or you want anything from me today is the day to ask because i will be more likely to say yes. i am in a good mood.

digital domain here i come :)

happy birthday pete and carol!!

yay! i hope you celebrate in happy fashion :)

drama drama drama.

yuk… there is mad drama with my mom’s work and her “leave of absence.” the funeral’s not until next month, so i don’t know what’s gonna go on. and i feel so bad because i feel so helpless, and while my mom’s bosses are being jerkfaces, they’re not doing anything illegal… so you can’t do anything about it. grr.

honestly.. who expects their employees to miss their parent’s funeral, and like if they’re not respecting customs and traditions of another culture… does that count as discrimination?

*sigh*

other than that.. this week has been okay. work on tuesday, dinner with dad and family friends on wednesday, and last night was the play. oh i lied.. this week hasn’t been okay.. because i’m going to die when my mom comes back. i don’t know who reads this journal, so i can’t spill the details because i don’t want to incriminate myself. but basically i swore up and down something wouldn’t happen that my mom wanted to prevent, and it happened.. so she’s going to be like “i told you so” and then kill me.

afterwards i met up with benji at henessey’s for free food the thursday the week of your birthday. yay! whoever says birthday’s aren’t a big deal.. i say that’s bullshit.. or you’re missing out. birthdays are the best… having a reason to celebrate is never a bad thing. we shouldn't lose that excitement about birthdays as we grow older :)

my meal was okay.. i didn’t know exactly what to get, and although the waitress said certain items were really good, she later told us that she’d never actually had them.. umm. okay. she had my steak cooked medium well instead of medium like i wanted it, so it was a little gross :P but dessert definitely made up for it. mmm.. we got the irish doughnuts.. they are like the best thing ever. it sounds a little gross.. but it’s amazing. deep fried twinkies, with vanilla ice cream and then chocolate and raspberry sauces. ooh yea.. even andy the professional cook said it was good. damn.. i should have taken a picture of it! oh well.. i’m sure i’ll be back. to top it off beth, ryan and andy came to hang out for a little bit and beth brought me the CUTEST birthday cookies. i'd have a picture up, but my computer is busted. sucks. but they’re cute and yummy.. beth is amazing.. thanks chica! so it was a good pre-birthday celebration :) i had so much fun.. and that’s why birthday’s are great.

another thing that’s great.. is daphne’s greek café. seriously.. amazing. i’ve been obsessed ever since carlene’s birthday party. and then beth, benji and i went there for lunch one day.. and apparently she’s now obsessed too. i signed up for their e-club and immediately got a free coupon for their zestas appetizer. yummerific. plus i get a buy one get one free coupon for it being my birthday. not too shabby :P

i think we’re doing another pre-birthday dinner since my “aunt” isn’t going to be in town tomorrow, she wanted to go out tonight. i think i want her and her hubby to try the stinking rose… drastically different from their restaurants in india eh? (he was amazed by souplantation :P) i had wanted to take my mom and dad there because they’ve never been.. and i think my mom could find something good there. but this is good too. and then lunch with my dad and sister tomorrow (probably el paso cuz you get a free meal too!) .. i am such a sucker for free stuff. then maybe some shopping.. or disneyland? and then dave & buster’s tomorrow night. yay!! i *heart* birthdays!! OH… and i got cards from buttryn and phillicita in the mail. THANKS SO MUCH GUYS!!! i really enjoyed the cards. kathryn’s was hilarious. it was about cake corners and how you get to keep them to yourself because it’s your birthday. it sounds lame as i type it out.. but it’s funny as hell on the card with the old woman “saying” it. philly's was very sweet.. but the faces on them were a little scary :P you guys are awesome.. thanks for making me feel special :)

so i realized that the traffic ticket is my birthday present from the driving gods. last year it was the accident, and lately i had been thinking about how i hope i didn't get into an accident again this time of year, but i think that this year it's the ticket. blech. i was looking at the paper work today, and i'm supposed to respond within 10 days with who was really driving the car (because the ticket came to my mom since the car is registered in her name). except you're supposed to sign it, and send a copy of your driver's license (i guess to identify that it's really not you)... umm. my mom's in taiwan though.. i don't know how i'm supposed to do that. so i guess i'll just have to call tomorrow and try to ask them.

something i just thought about ... what if your twin was driving the car? hahah

i wish i wasn't so chickenshit sometimes. :P

it's going to be a hit song already.. i can tell :P this is a poem britney wrote about her honeymoon. it's cute.. like kindergarten cute. not like i should talk, because i'm sure any poems i write sound like this (i'm big on rhyming).. but really? i can't believe people paid money for this.

"A honeymoon at last, to get away from it all
My assistant Fe gave me the call.

I remember it well, as she was smilin'
She said it was called Turtle Island.

I packed my bags light and quick,
Then grabbed my pink dress & favorite lipstick.

We hopped on a plane and took our flight
I slept really well, all through the night.

As we arrive, I turn and look out the door,
People are greeting us right at the shore.

A meal, a shower and some ice cream
Then I threw my man down, you know what I mean!

Magical nights filled with stars
Silence is golden, no running cars.

Private dinners, romantic fires
Little piece of heaven, whatever your heart desires.

Friendly "hellos" and never goodbyes
When you're having fun, oh, how time flies!

As we sit and prepare to make our part
I thank you, Turtle Island, with all my heart!"

i feel very plain today... i looked in the mirror while i was washing my hands - and my face seemed so pale and plain. i normally don't wear make up anyways, but today i just felt so colorless. it was weird. add how i just let my hair air dry - so it's waving and drying funkily and adds to my drabness. i was watching america's next top model last week and there commenting about anne, and about how she didn't "care about her appearance" because it was just something she threw together and there was a stain on her shirt.. although i thought her skirt was really cute. but anyways, a lot of times i feel like this.. like i just don't care.. and maybe i should. maybe i should take the time to do my hair everyday, put makeup on, iron my clothes or something. who knows. but i was also telling someone at work that it almost seems as if i'd rather go from okay to good rather than from good to bad. like if i wore makeup and did my hair everyday (which would be a miracle if i could get my lazy ass out of bed to do that) - the days i didn't, people would be like "man what ate her up"... then you become a slave to all of that. i know girls who won't leave the house (doesn't matter where they're going) without their hair and makeup done. i saw this lady at the gym putting on mascara in the locker room. doesn't that shit sting your eyes when you sweat? maybe it was the waterproof kind.. but whatever.

yesterday i was feeling very ghetto. the hem is coming out of my wool jacket. and originally i taped the string, hoping it wouldn't pull out anymore and was going to ask my mom to fix it. but i forgot, and now she's gone again and it was becoming really bad and i discovered it while at work. the fold of my jacket was coming undone and i didn't want to lose it, so i ... stapled my jacket. GHETTO. i remember when that used to be the "cool" thing to do in middle school or high school.. everyone would staple their jeans. yea.. didn't look so hot on my jacket. guess i can't wear that for awhile.

sunday i went to an awards thing for my sister. it was really a fundraiser type thing, but they were giving her company an award for contributing to the efforts of asian americans and film. my sister bought our tickets, and we got little puff pastries for our $35 ticket. :P it was fun cheering for her what not. there was this "digital slam" where they showed a bunch of 30 second shorts that people did incorporating different elements. some of them were pretty clever, other ones.. i just didn't get. my dad said that i could do better than that, i can't say that i disagreed. oh well. while my sister and i have the same interest, i think our genres are different. although i'm starting to think that this thing is more of a "hobby" and not meant to be my career.. just because.. it seems so... out of reach. but i am young, and we'll still see. my dad keeps asking me what i want to be.. and i keep telling him i don't know. and then he asks me when i'll figure it out, i tell him that as long as he keeps asking me, i won't figure it out. i'm such a brat. one other thing i also thought about on sunday is how many events that we've gone to for my sister... and how many my family has gone for me. they're a lot different and maybe hers are more presitigous.. but i still thought about it. allow me to wallow in my self-pity for 5 seconds..... okay i'm done.

last game of the DL's first season. we didn't win :( but it wasn't too bad, and i think a lot of us were having fun. or trying to.. how much fun can you have when you're losing? with us, we always either start out the game well and then let it go towards the end. or we start out slow and spend the rest of the game playing catch up and never quite make it. i made a pretty good catch at first base (after a really awful one) that i was proud of myself for. haha.. too bad it was at the end of the game :P even though we didn't win every game i still had a lot of fun, and i think that the team is great, and i love it that they wouldn't mind playing again. :) none of this starting their own all male team business :P afterwards we went to friday's to comiserate, and apparently i was "pushing our luck" with the waitress.. but really.. asking for what you want isn't bad.. it's their job :P

today our family friend is supposed to come stay at our house, but neither my dad or i know when she's coming in and what time we're supposed to get her at the airport. we haven't heard from her in awhile... and i hope she didn't email my mom because i forgot the password. haha. oh well.. if all else fails she'll call wondering where we are, it's a 10 minute ride to the airport anyways.

4 more days.

RIP my grandfather.
november 14, 2004

he was 93 years old.

aiya....

it wasn't too bad.. except today bums me out. well.. not the whole day.. just when i got home. my parents handed me this fatty notice from the superior court that included pictures of me "running a red light" bah... dammit.. the light was yellow.. but i remember when it happened.. the flashes went off.. bah. i called beth to whine and she consoled me, told me that they usually don't get a clear picture, usually take a long time to send out tickets... i felt better. today.. all the anxiety came back. along with a $341 fine. three hundred and forty one freaking dollars. gah.. i don't know about fighting it.. i guess i could go to court, but i'm sure they hear sob stories all day long, they'd probably think i was lying. someone help me please.

my mom came back from taiwan last night. she brought all sorts of goodies :) burberry bags, tons of hello kitty stuff, lots of knickknacks and cutesy fobby stuff. ooh and chinese pastry snacks. the best. my aunt called today though and said that my grandpa has some more issues. my mom is planning to go back to taiwan.. maybe tomorrow afternoon. yikes. she has issues with work, but i think that she doesn't want to regret not being there if the something does happen. :(

the play on thursday was okay.. i totally messed up one of the cues, i accidentally hit stop instead of the next button and on the cd player and totally got flustered and started to play some random track with the phone ring. i finally calmed down and played the right track, but it seemed like an eternity. the cast didn't hate me.. and afterwards we went out for food, drinks and conversation. i got to hear the romantic flick/dawson's creek style story of a true life get together of a couple including the phrases "soulmate," "i was at a party and miserable because you weren't there," "i always think about you," "i just want to talk to you all the time," "i don't know what took me so long to realize it," "all i ever think about is you," "you've just said everything i've been waiting eight years to hear you say"... it was too adorable.. sickening almost.. but cute. when it's supposed to happen it's just that easy i guess.. although it wasn't always, but it was in the end. it gives me some sort of hope. and it's always cute for guys to shed that macho exterior and just gush. aww.

speaking of macho exteriors, today i was next to a guy on his phone talking to his friend about weekend plans. i have never been more disgusted in my life. his conversation was like "you know those girls i was going to arrange for us to hang out with... they were playing all these games, trying to be cool - about who's calling who first, and naw... i don't play those kinds of games.. so i terminated them." and then "you know i've known this girl for a year and i still haven't hit it" he's so cool.

i'm supposed to be cleaning so i can maybe have a party.. i have about 2 or so days... 4 maybe at the most.. we'll see... who wants to come over and help?! i'll feed you and maybe pay you..although with this $341 ticket... i might be struggling for cash. (aww.. now i'm sad again).

something that did make me happy is that i've been looking into purchasing the iMac G5.. i know that i talked about it before.. but the time has come.. am i ready to blow $3000 on computer and software? ack... i wish money grew on trees.

on monday when i was sad about losing the game and being really bad... beth was trying to console.. in her own way.

jean: man... sorry guys. i suck
beth: what's with all this self-pity? that's not the jean i know! usually you delude yourself... like "masquerade ball is the greatest event ever!"

what a bitch.

RileyM: Hi!
jeanyah: hello
RileyM: Hi. What's up?
jeanyah: mm.. not much
jeanyah: do i know you?
RileyM: No. I found your name on webdate.com. Just looking for people to chat with.
jeanyah: what?
jeanyah: are you serious?
RileyM: I have no reason to lie to you.

so this conversation greeted me sunday night. i was quite confused. i was going to call beth or nicole and ask if the put me on there as a joke. but it's a completely different person from a completely different place. some girl is trying to steal my identity! jk. i dunno how she came about that name, and maybe that explains the number of random people imming me. but i freaked out for a nanosecond or so.

you can check out the "canadian" jeanyah.. i guess she can have that title :P
http://www.webdate.com/profile.php?id=840843

if you are sure you don't want to sign up (who doesn't need a webdate?) you can use mine. (i only signed up to see her profile, i swear)
username: jeanhuang
password: 36167

i wonder if she to other places like myspace or hotmail or gmail or aim or whatever and tries to sign up with jeanyah and curses me because it's already taken. hah. i'm hotter than her. just kidding.. so she's hotter than me. a different kind of hot. plus i'm not hot at all, so yea.

other than that, my life is same ol same ol. softball game last night.. we lost. again. boo. we were up for a little bit, then down, then tied. and then i let a bunch of people on base .. walks and all that.. (i suck) and they got 6 runs and we didn't score any. sucks. ryan made this really good catch in the outfield, and neal made an AWESOME catch at second base. i sucked a whole bunch. boo. but my team are good sports and very nice and supportive and don't talk shit about me to my face.. so as long as i can't hear it and they smile at me and pat me on the back, it's okay. just kidding. i dunno, i wish i had more control.. i'm gonna have to work on that. i'm not the biggest slo-pitch fan, but it is just fun to get out there and play. and when we do well, it's even better (before i start sucking). or maybe it's because everyone takes it easy on us because they think we're awful, and then when we show we're pretty good they turn it up and that's where it goes wrong. who knows.. i don't, obviously. but hopefully we will win our last game. ack. cross your fingers, and you guys should come out and cheer for us :)

afterwards a few of us got dinner at islands, and then i met up with keri to see the incredibles (yay) and beth, ryan and benji came with. it was good, the style reminded me a lot of the powerpuff girls. some of the graphics were neat, like the hair and the water - me and keri were oohing and ahhing, and beth and i squealed like 4 year old girls at the preview for the heffalump pooh movie. so cute! although the incredibles was good, i think it might be my least favorite disney/pixar movie. maybe it's because everyone said how good it was and i was super excited, and my expectations were thus super high. that always happens, but when movies i never really wanted to see - and then end up watching... i love. oh well.. it was good though. and i do like how they used real life aspects that contributed to their super powers. although that's not something i would have ever realized just from the movie. i heard the review on KROQ and he was talking about why each super hero had their powers. smart.

had lunch with my sister. she's leaving for taiwan soon. i'm sad she won't be here for my birthday, thanksgiving and maybe not christmas :( poop.

i just wasted $4.69 and bought 3 ringtones for my phone. i have always wanted to, but never thought i should, until this week, when i just said "fuck it." which sucks because i could have got more usage out of them if i had just bought them earlier. oh well.

so i bought "toxic" and the "beverly hills 90210 theme song" oh yea. for my third song, i'm waiting for a jason mraz song or harry potter. it'll be a good one.

i feel incredibly cool and geeky all at the same time.

hah.

so michael phelps isn't such a perfect hero after all.

underage, drinking and driving? oh my.