so i've been pretty amiss as to what to post about. sometimes i'll have an idea and think "oh i should totally blog about that!" but when it comes time to a point when i feel like blogging - i've always forgotten. i was doing pretty well at blogging, but now 13 days have gone by and no posts. sorry.. i guess life has just been that boring for me. we went and celebrated dre's birthday a few times (all fun.) at the blue bayou, the edison(sort of)/redwood bar/busby's (sort of)/the counter. we ended up at medusa lounge for jana's bday, and ended the night at rosen karaoke til 4am. i should have just told andrea to go to medusa, but forgot, and kind of ditched her when we drove past busby's at the line was too long for our liking.

valentine's day came and went. no big deal. i did get a rose from kelly l. at work... cuz she loves me. haha. she's always pretty thoughtful like that and trying to include everyone. it was nice to have a little something, after all the time i spent printing/cutting/wrapping candy for the speed racer valentines. it's not too bad. people seemed happy to get them i guess, although i wouldn't get credit for it, i never do :P maybe people do remember, and i just don't know about it. sometimes little things matter. but in the end i can't believe that i was getting paid to cut up piece of paper and wrap chocolate in saran wrap. i guess things could be worse - but sometimes sitting around wasting time or doing meaningless crap isn't as "relaxing" as it seems. side note: am i weird that i don't feel the need to get all anti valentine's day when i don't have a valentine? a lot of girls i know were trying to make plans, or refused to sit at home and sulk. and i was just like "it's a thursday, like any other thursday"... although when i went to ralphs during lunch it looked like valentine's puked all over the store (balloons, flowers, candy, people going crazy) and flowers were insanely priced. i boiled it down to since i've never been spoiled on valentine's day, so i can't really miss it. but even if i was going to smothered - would i really like it? i can be a pretty non mush kind of girl. but sometimes i'm totally the "awwww" kind of girl. i know.. i'm weird.

those are the big events as of late. just hanging out and trying to figure things out i guess. last weekend was president's day weekend, so yay for three day weekend. i inadvertently turned it into 4 because i had to call out sick on tuesday. but i spent all day in spent pretty near death. okay, so i'm over-exaggerating, but i really did sleep all day. and not the good kind of sleep, but the sleep because i really can't get up and do anything else kind of sleep. trying to get better since there are events coming up this weekend. hah. i say events like they're actually important. but they're like.. birthday things. which i guess are "important" but in the not really sense. hahah.

so i'm the worst chinese person. at work they were asking me questions about the double happiness symbol.. and really.. i couldn't answer any of them.

i knew chinese new year was kind of in the vicinity - but didn't really know. until last night i saw some news blip about chinese new year and decorations in china. this morning i thought maybe i should find out when new years is so that i can hang out with my parents. so i google it - new years day is today. haha. this is how i find out when "major" holidays are. last night was chinese new years eve, my parents went out to dinner and didn't call me cuz they didn't think i'd be able to make it (at 6pm.. which is true). i'm kind of bothered that my parents didn't even try to call, because they think i'm so busy. which isn't untrue, but still sad. i went over for dinner tonight and got my favorite food - and tons to bring back and share. yay. but it was nice. i know that i don't really do quality time with my parents, just because i'll sit with them while they're watching tv, or on the internet, so it's not like there's much interaction going on - but sometimes my mom will chat with me - that's why dinner is perfect.. because they can chat and i can eat. they don't really reach out much - but i know they appreciate when i come home. they don't reach out because they feel like they'd be "bothering" me or that i should be calling them. (see.. this is where i get it from people..) but i know they like to make sure i'm taken care of and send me home with goodies and hope that i'm happy, and that's nice.

so, it's the year of the rat. happy new year, people. hope you had a good one.

another reason to not stay up so fucking late: i wouldn't feel the mini-earthquakes that are 1 second long, but enough to freak me out slightly (that WAS an earthquake right? at 2:12am?). being a california (pretty much) native i'm not "scared scared".. but it still jolts me.

if i was asleep, i would be dead to the mini shaking.

so this is totally not meant to be a food blog, nor do i consider myself a "foodie" (do i even know what that is?) but either i'm a "true" little sister and like to do everything my sister does, or hanging out with andrea has rubbed off on me a little. at the very least - she introduced me to restaurant week.. and i'm having a good time - despite the always eating 3 course meals, and the $$... even if it is discounted. but hey.. it's worth it.. and i wouldn't normally discover these places. so next week... less eating out okay?

for now...

sunday - i missed the end of the superbowl (the most exciting part... dammit) to go to the blue bayou @ disneyland for dre's bday. i wanted to go for my bday, but it was booked, so andy made reservations this time around. so.. i was slightly excited. overall, the food was good ... i think maybe i hyped it up too much, and i was also sorely disappointed by the lack of deep fried cheesecake... boo. the ambience was nice, inside the pirates ride... i thought there'd be more to it, but it was kind of small, just a bunch of tables on the patio. and it smelled half like really good food, and half like pirate ride water. but it was yummy. i might have had a better meal if i had gotten the filet like i ordered - but meat is meat and i had prime rib instead cuz they messed up. it wasn't bad, but probably could have been better. dessert was yummy... it always is. oh!!! the gumbo was really really really good. i wish i could go there just for that. (and their butter, that was amazing too.)

monday - dre and i went to cezanne for lunch cuz we were feeling it (and i'm bad and totally let my food go to waste, like actual waste - i had to throw it away today). but it was so worth it.. i'm sad they didn't have the creme brulee, but both appetizer and meal (x2) were great. it was typical in a hotel restaurant. way nice because it's santa monica, and i loved the mini condiments.

today (super tuesday!) - vivian picked one sunset as a dinner spot for laura's birthday. i immediately checked to see if they had a dineLA menu, and they did. (yay!) i'm a dork, i know. i was pretty satisfied with the food - so while it was artsy and "small" portions, it was still pretty filling. plus, i love eating with people who are semi-indecisive like me and like to share and eat off each other's plates. that's a must have i think. it's the "family style" chinese side of me. the ambience was cute, posh, loungey and couches for chairs. trendy, along the lines of those nice west hollywood restaurants. but better because it's not crazy crowded. we even got rockstar parking... score!

at both of these places, food was great - desserts = just okay.

mmmmmmm.. food.

on the news front (me news, not actual news)... job - okay. they hired a PA for the show and i think i don't have to do the dreaded duties that i like to complain about but maybe secretly love because it makes me too busy to think about the other stupid things in my life. except i still think about them... so less time. but i'll be able to return a semi-normal existence and then i can try to figure out what i did on weekends before i got sucked into the world that i'm most recently fleeing/exiled from. still... trying to figure things out though. (on two counts) i did get the best mini compliment today - while complaining some sub-par moments, someone commented "yea, the job that you did so well"... awww!! thanks L.T. - i like you even though it sounds like you're eating the phone when you page.

i was listening to people complain about their issues with the opposite sex, and while i "want" someone, it makes me very glad that i don't go through a lot of the things that other people do. maybe i do, just in my own way, but i definitely don't go through it as often. i've also realized that i really suck at flirting, especially when i care. or that i think that being "mean" is playful, and think it's flirting, when really i'm just being mean and it probably turns people away. i might need to work on that one. it's also a defense mechanism so that i don't have to get rejected by post it note, or find someone i'm interested in re-signing up for dating service when they already quit, or just plain no response. that's why i need to learn to not care, because it always comes out better that way. it's also an independence thing, as much as i am needy, i like to be able to be free. AND while i'm a total attention whore, i like to have it so i know i have it. once i actually do, i shove it away - but only because i know it's there. like a safety net. i can be so dumb sometimes. is this making sense to you? either way, i wholly agree that i don't want to be with someone just to be with someone. i think i learned that one in the 10th grade. the lesson i never learned however was to let go of something when i see qualities i don't like. i tend to let the good outweigh the bad, even if the redeeming qualities are far fewer. bad jean. these are lessons that i'm slowly trying to learn - but it's not about self value (but maybe it's tied in?), but also just less value towards others - which is hard to shift my inner faith in people. anyways, i'll stop being whiney and candid (whoa.. got way too personal there for a moment.. sorry) and maybe get some sleep. or watch one tree hill. i should probably get up and take my car in, and i now have to reschedule my life drawing class for client review. BOO.

to summarize..
step 1: learn how awesome i am
step 2: apply for this.

blogging on a friday night.. that's either a sign that i have no life, or that i work too much. this week i worked 59 hours. i'm too freaking tired - so i gave up cruising weho and decided to stay in, obsess, stalk and blog. in no particular order. maybe i'm just really committed to this getting back to blogging thing. except i think everyone's forgotten that i own this blog and still write for it - so no one checks it anyways. it's okay.. i'll write for me.

today i accidentally stumbled upon my dine LA experience number 1 for restaurant week. dre and i had these grandeur plans to hit up all these places, and so far we've done zero. but i think we're gonna try to make it up next week. i was feeling indecisive about lunch, and felt like going to chaya, and really just should have stuck with regular food - but i couldn't pass up the restaurant week menu... they include dessert!



what i got was "okay"... at first i got the ahi for the appetizer, but i think that stuff is too fancy for me. i had to switch it for calamari - which was excellent. tiger roll was okay - probably should have got the shrimp wrap. sorbet was good... but you can't really mess that up. overall it was good though - just don't try to pick the "healthy" option.. just go for what's yummy!

lately, i've been having very girly moments. although i really try not to show it on the outside. but it sneaks out. one VERY girly trait of mine is that i want what i can't have, even when i don't really want it. i need to know what's right, and what's not and be content with that, instead of "oh.. what if." i know i don't want it, i told myself i don't want it, but when it's dangled in front of my face i get a little sad inside and wish i had done something differently.

*sigh* here's hoping to upcoming change.

i just sent it off.

wish me luck.

i REALLY want this.

i really want to get back into blogging - but sometimes i just feel like i have anything to say. i mean.. i guess the point is say whatever you want - but sometimes.. there's really nothing to say - and i'm not really fond of saying stuff just to say stuff.

i'm crossing my fingers about a new job opportunity. something silly, but something i really really really want. it feels kind of sad to want this so much - but i think it would be so fun. i really want it to because i've revised my cover letter and resume at least 7 times... i don't think i've ever worked so hard on it in my life. i found the girl i'm sending it to on myspace... i really want to send her a message via that as well.. like to follow up.. haha.. is that weird? and i thought since my regular email isn't tied to my myspace profile that i'd be okay and she couldn't stalk me (since i'm opposed to making my profile private).. but when you search for "jean huang".. there's only like 12 that come up and i'm the only one that lives in LA. really?!! come one.. there's really no jean huang's in LA?! i swear when you google me you get so many people that aren't me. i guess maybe they're all in asia. so... so much for that plan. maybe she'll see my myspace and love me.

okay.. i probably really should get to sleep. i've just have had super insomnia for the past few months. wait.. insomnia's not the right word because i'm tired. i'm just stupid and don't go to sleep. i blog, organize pictures, stalk and do other things. but today i was productive and was revamping revisions.. so it's kind of okay. i just hope it's worth it.

really quickly...



a year ago.. i swore i would never do what i was doing again. and yet somehow i've found myself doing the same exact thing.. maybe even worse. i told myself that even though for 2 years all i ever wanted to was to go into production - that much like the grass being greener on the other side, it was not what it was cracked up to be. i still had some fun because it was my job and there were people around to support me. a year later, it's not "really" my job, but i'm still doing it. i'm cleaning up EVERY. SINGLE. page of this database because people are apparently stupid and don't know how to cut and paste. or don't know how to read. or just hate me. i sometimes don't get people. strike that.. i never get people.

funny enough, a year ago i was kind of meandering in this mess of a boy situation. actually i guess a year ago it was starting to get better. this year, it's just starting to get worse.

how come i can't haven't learned my lesson yet?

today might be a first step... i said no.

second step: refusing to call again. i don't know if holding out is stubborn pride or self respect. there's a fine line when your ego gets in the way. i haven't figured out yet which one it is.

everyday it gets a little bit worse and worse... yesterday i think it was 2am that i went to bed.. today it's 3:30am. hmm.. what's my deal? i dunno.

anyways.. just wanted to blog about proyecto number 1 for this new year. it's been awhile since i picked up the crocheting - and i still have the same problems as before.. but i think overall it was okay eh?

kind of cute eh?

i can't buy myself something nice with my "fat" overtime filled paycheck because the freaking government took ONE THOUSAND dollars out for taxes. what the heck! boo. and then i had to pay my mucho expensivo rent. i almost start to cry every month when i cut that check.

oh well... i'll get a few nice things for the impending birthday (hint hint) :P jk

soooo.. i know it's been awhile. and even longer since a "real" post.. but i think i might be making a return to blogger. which might be even better if random people/people i don't like are reading it cuz they think i don't blog anymore. i know really that the point of writing in public is for people to read it - but sometimes.. i dunno. anyways.. that's not the point.

i just want to say - in a not so public place - that i'm slightly sad about my work halloween party this year. i pretty much was in charge/helped plan the whole thing.. and while i definitely did not do it all by myself, i think i did a big portion of the conception and organizing of it. people have been complimenting me, and saying how awesome it was, which is great, and i'm glad. (yea.. i reeeallly don't take compliments well.) but the more i think about it, and the more pictures i see.. it makes me kind of sad. i planned this really awesome thing with all this awesome stuff and all the things i like and i didn't get to enjoy any of it. i mean.. that is my fault in the poor planning sense. while the party is over without any casualties or major blows, if i had prepped better i maybe could have enjoyed the party more instead of running around the entire time making sure things were right. i honestly didn't have a single ounce of fun, and really that has no correlation to me having not a single ounce of alcohol. and, it's not like i had a bad time, i just didn't have a good time because i was working the whole time. i didn't get to hang out with any of my friends, non of my co-workers, didn't get to eat a bacon wrapped hot dog, didn't take any photobooth pictures, didn't get to listen to the band, didn't get to dance and didn't get to flirt with the hot bartenders or go-go dancers. okay.. so the last one i would have survived without (maybe) but all the rest. i REALLY wanted to do. i planned this party with all the stuff i love and hand picked, and i can't very well bring it back next year (if i'm even planning).. so.. what gives? if the party was so intensely awesome, i'm that much more sad i didn't get to enjoy it. this might be the one case where making a ton of other people happy doesn't really make me happy. and while the flood of compliments and thank you's is always appreciated, it doesn't help that i didn't get to enjoy any of it. and not really just the "fun" aspects.. but i see in pictures the decoration and the atmosphere and i didn't get to take in any of that.. because i was so focused on getting through the crowd to problem #x. i need to lay off "serious work mode jean" and find middle ground. i know i'm whining, and maybe i'll go buy something nice for myself with my next paycheck of the 90 hours i put in last week to make myself feel better, but i'm still not gonna get any of those things i said above back. expect another spell of sadness when the photobooth pictures come online and i see everyone having way too much fun, in the super cute photobooth pictures and i'm not in any of them. i think that's the one that makes me the most sad. boo. oh well.. next time right? and i could have way worse problems.

outside: looks humongous!
(that's what she said)

inside: hot bartenders + fake fire (awesome!) is never a bad combination.. too bad go-go dancers are not also in this picture

oh, here they are (minus one girl)... helloooooooo.

*images stolen from andrea

soooooo.. my sister tagged me in this "tell me 7 things that i probably don't know" although.. the only people who really read this blog, probably know anything that i would post on the internet anyways.. so i really have no clue what to say.

ummmm...

yea.. i'm going to have to think about this one :P

minus negativity = positivity right? that's the way it works. anyways.. i've been trying to do this for awhile - and each time i just get sucked back in. back into the drama, the pettyness and the shit talking. i'm gonna try to stop. yea.. sounds like an impossible feat right? i friggin gripe about everything... mostly because i think people are idiots, because they are... but i wonder if keeping it too myself or trying to not let it bug me will be good for me? or drive me insane.

similarly - i've been wondering if oh so my passive aggressive nature hurts or helps me. there are times when it's definitely better to hold your tongue, but i do it so often. i often don't tell people what i actually think, mostly because it's mean. today a friend asked me why i was doing a certain thing that i knew would be an issue, and i just didn't say anything because well my answer was simply that "i didn't care." oops.. my bad. sometimes i just wanna be selfish. everyone else is, why can't i? sometimes i just wanna be mean, be selfish and be okay with it. that last part is the hardest.

sometimes i also want to be fake. not fake in the way that is really super duper fake .. but be able to control my emotions better. not get so emotional or get so attached or take things so personally. it's hard for me to have superficial conversations, or talk to people i don't like/annoyed with about things i don't care about with a straight face. sometimes it's a bored face, sometimes it's a "you're stupid" face, and most of the time it's the "i'm not listening" face... then people think that i don't like them, and then don't like me because of it.. blah blah blah.. never good for any situation. not sure really how to deal.

one more tangent - caring too much. sometimes to seem as if i don't care that much (when i really actually do) i act really aloof. because i don't want to get hurt? because i want to be cool? because i don't want to seem too dorky? i don't know. and i can't tell whether that drives more interest in, or if it drives people away. probably a 50/50... but after awhile people get sick of it. except for the people who really care or know you. maybe i just need to cut everyone else out.

as you can tell i'm in a super duper mixed up place. about work, friends, roommates, boys, life, etc. today someone asked me twice if i was okay because i seemed out of it, beaten down and overwhelmed. i thought i was doing an okay job today of trying to get it done.. i didn't think i looked that ragged. it's nice that someone noticed though i guess. i've even signed off aim these past 2 weeks so i wouldn't be bothered. mostly i'm avoiding certain people, but it's good on a whole because i'm more productive, less distracted. and yet i still don't seem to get anything done.

staying up til 3am probably isn't helping me either.

so lately i've been having a tough time with my job. today wasn't one of those days. ok.. it kind of was... but the hours of 12:30pm-3:30pm today made up for it. you wanna know why? because i saw brad pitt. and he was beautiful. i mean.. not beautiful in the same way like the time that i saw scott speedman, because scott speedman is prettier. brad pitt is rugged manly. and although he doesn't tower over you like you think he would, he is hott. (two t's) i saw him a few times today.. once with weird green paint all over his face, and he was still good looking. and he was wearing a wife beater. i appreciate nice shoulders and backs. very much so. later on i saw him with no paint on. oh mylanta. i lost my train of thought both times when he walked in the vicinity and i did that whole thing where you are pretending not to notice him, but everyone knows you're secretly staring at him in your peripheral vision, especially because the idiot grin on my face gives it away. it was almost as good as the time i saw JT.. it should probably be better because i was closer for a longer period of time.. but JT is bundled in with the *nsync first love. it does rank higher than the time i drooled all over michael vartan though... but i was probably more giddy then. this time i had to at least pretend to be professional while i squealed on the inside.

today... i love my job.

heheheheh.. i did some hunting. this makes me laugh :)








how did they get inside again?!

but she does look really pretty! :)

so i think i might die... and i also think i am probably being over-dramatic
.. but just in case i'm posting this anyways. long story short i got punched in the head. i'm a little afraid that i might have a concussion - and for the most part i might be fine... but i'm afraid that i might be a little stupider .. or i might lose some skill set .. or my vision might get worse than it already is (i got punched on the left side right by my eye) or that i might go to sleep and not wake up. scary.

anyways.. in case that happens - i just wanted to write one last post. tell my friends and family i love them. tell beth that she can have my jason mraz cd's, nicole and ann can share my *nsync stuff, and i'd split up the rest of my stuff but i have way too much crap, and i don't care that much (a symptom of the concussion or probably just my apathy). i'm sure my friends can figure out who gets what.. or they'll just dump it all. maybe donate it. that would be good.

ok.. i was probably gonna write more.. maybe some messages.. but the apathy/concussion is taking over again and plus i don't like to talk about feelings/be too mushy anyways.

how creepy is this blog if i actually don't wake up tomorrow?

but now since i said it it's not going to come true.

wow.. i'm retarded.

happy birthday to my big sister joan! yay!!!

i don't know what my problem is, but i swear i cannot go to bed early anymore. and i can't wake up on time. it's a pressure thing. there's a lot less pressure, so i slack, and maybe i'm getting a little bored, which can equal careless. blech.

anyways.. this is what i came to do.


i am officially obsessed. and today.. i just figured out why. the first time i had pinkberry.. i thought it was a little weird.. very yogurty tasting. sort of like those asian yogurt drinks... which i like.. but is not the same as ice cream. a couple weeks later i thought - hey.. i feel like yogurty.. and had some since there's one near my work. right after i finished.. i wanted more. badly. i think i suggest we go there everyday... not that i can always get there - but i talk about it a little bit and think about it even more. hahaha. today.. i had it for lunch .. well lunch pre-snack because my stomach was being a little wiggy and i couldn't handle real food at the designated lunch hour (i had real lunch at 3:30). anyways... today while i was eating my pinkberry and perusing shoes, it hit me. pinkberry now reminds me of ice monster. maybe the condensed milk taste is similar to yogurt. or it's all the fruit.. but i am in love!!

so i'm freaking out a little (as usual).. i wormed my way into my friend's short film. i thought i would just be a glorified PA or something.. and then through being in the right place/right time - and the fact that i'm awesome i got handed AD responsibilities - sort of.. just fill in stuff, and now i'm going to cut the piece. crazy! i'm freaking out a little because these are industry people with high tech gadgets and expectations and while i'm good, i'm not technical, and that's part of being fantastic. some guy's career is riding on this, and i'm... yikes. anyways.. i guess i better bone up. lots of internet research. lets see those $2000 i paid for my classes pay off. hahaha. it's good timing though. i'm just coming off pirates/insane crazy work hours, so while i'll still be working 45-50 hrs/week it won't be 70. i'll be able to use those extra hours for this. so still staying busy.. but different busy. not that staying up unitl 3am is helping me (damn you DST.. it'd still be 2am if it wasn't for you..)

new jobby starts tomorrow. a little freaked, but not that worried, because my old boss is awesome. maybe i'm beginning to border on the edge of over confident - which is bad. so i gotta reel it in. i'm training my replacement in the morning and then being trained in the afternoon. hope it goes well. i'm going back to using an apple at work - so i hope all my windows skills don't go down the toilet since that's all i have at home - but i still have my work laptop. i know it seems trivial - but i often find myself pushing the wrong buttons when searching for the control/command key. haha.

ummm.. why am i up at 3am? i dunno. but i'm being a little mean and enjoying it. i think lately i have been a little void of feelings.. maybe no time to feel - maybe if i don't feel i can't get hurt? or i'm just taking the passive agressive route. (most likely). i feel like sometimes i'm no fun anymore.. unless i'm super comfortable with you and i really like you - you don't get the real me. you get half enthused me. i don't know what to say, don't get excited about stuff, can express emotions. it's really strange. sometimes i feel like a shell of myself around certain people. i can't really explain it, or maybe i just don't care to, but i'm a lot worse at trying to fake emotions than i used to - and i wasn't even good at it before. maybe with more sleep i'll return to not zombie. (tonight is not a good starting point though.) haha.

okay. bed. bye.

apparently i give into pressure way too easily. and i think i make really hasty decisions. they usually end up okay... but i'm a big "what if" girl... which sucks. because what ifs are useless.

for the past 6 or 7 weeks i have been busting my ass to learn new stuff, hit the ground running and learn a new arena of job. it's been stressful, exhausting, and super busy, and i'm never home anymore and sometimes i want to cry or maim people. i felt like .. in the end i wouldn't do it again.. and that was my decision. there had been talks of opportunities of the afterwards, and you always think what your next step is gonna be... so in a sense - that's what got me through it. yesterday.. i got presented with the opportunity i wanted... the next step. but the next step is a lot earlier than i intended... and that means bailing on this project and leaving it behind. for 2 years all i ever wanted was to be on a show, be in production, and i did my stint, and now i'm leaving - but now i'm kind of amiss. i had less than 24 hours to make a decision, and while overall i made the right one, i wonder if i could have made a better choice, because you usually always can. i'm a little bummed that i won't be wrapping the show... so that i could say "i did that" or be able to fully celebrate the comradery and share in the torture/experience of enduring the completion of the task. i get my "life" back and my hours won't be as long and it won't be as agonizing.. but i also committed myself to a lengthy span of time.. and then when i'm a little older will i want to subject myself the pain of production again? maybe not. i know it's stupid of me to think "what if" and i can't really change it. things are in motion to make all the changes - so it seems silly of me to waffle now. it's not that i don't want to take the next step, but it would have been nice to be able to finish this step first. i know on a saturday or sunday when i don't have to go in.. i'll be a little thankful, or i might even say "aww.. i miss it"... but if i had stayed, on those saturdays and sundays i would have been cursing myself. i get three saturdays back, probably a few sundays, all of my weeknights, 3 less WSR's to worry about, 9 less client reviews to stress over... which all sound great to me, but looking back i realize more that it'd probably be pretty great to cross the finish line...

(funny enough - this is right above the post where i say how much i hate my job.. hahahah)