one more thing. today at lunch, we were talking about the differences between living with guys and girls. and we got into this thing where guys will punch each other and be fine. and girls hold grudges. admittedly.. i can be that girl. i try not to be, but i think consequentially, in me trying not to be that girl, i end up becoming that girl. because i don't like to talk things out, and i just like to get over them on my "own time", then end up festering and just kind of simmering.

anyways.. point of the story is that last week my dad did something to make me kind of upset. and while it was not a big eal. it was just kind of ridiculous. it made me not really want to hang out with him.. nor take him to see speed racer as i had wanted to. he didn't really seem to care that much - it's not like it was a big deal to him, but i just get kind of irritated when i had to call him today. and when i had to see him, i just get easily annoyed. this is why you don't let things fester, because they still bother you. but anyways. although my dad hasn't called me since then (this is also where i get my passive agressive non confrontational non communicative nature), he brought me a sandwich bag full of sliced apples and asian pears. then that made me feel bad. i'm still kind of annoyed, but it amazed me that somehow people can just forgive and forget so easily. and that people will tend to love you and do nice things for you, even when situations get awkward. maybe this is also where i get my "too nice" tendencies from as well. i feel like a brat, because sometimes i take things out on the who love me the most, because.. i can? i don't know. and then i get mad at them so easily because i hold them to a higher standard. how does that make sense?

please tell me it's not just me that that's screwed up. i'm pretty sure it's not just me, but i just need some affirmation.

nothing good ever happens after 2am

okay.. i'm not really getting into that much trouble. just sitting on the internet, and watching tv. althought it is 2:47am and i'm supposed to be in south central at 7am to draw out a mural, then going to work to make sure a lunch goes off as planned, and then maybe a birthday celebration or two, before i pass out and die. okay.. not die, but tomorrow might have to be a 5 shot espresso day. and dre's not going to be around to be there and partake. so i might have to abstain.

i don't know why i'm not sleeping... it's not like i got a ton of sleep in these past couple days. i mean.. not like i haven't been getting sleep, just not tons. i wake up tired, today my eyes were puffy - that wasn't fun. i think i'm allergic to my eye cream.

anyhoo.. i've been kind of antisocial lately. mostly at work, i think it's my new desk, i face a wall, i don't like to talk to people anymore, my computer is my friend... sort of, and ... people suck. haha. so to anyone i've been blowing off - mostly one or two in particular. i'm sorry. it's not you, it's me, there's just... nothing to say.

can i say something about change? right now, i'm really kind of inviting it into my life, or i'm wanting to. i want it to come, sweep me off my feet and take me away. how much i'm actually letting it in, is a different story. i'm not really a huge fan of change, unless i know the outcome. another thing i was thinking about tonight was change on behalf of someone else. it can be good, but it can also be bad. and it's weird that you let people affect your lives so much. and when you're willing to let people affect you, and when you're not. i guess it's all timing, it depends on how you feel at a certain moment, how much you're willing to take. i also wonder why you're so willing to let some people change you, but not others. or why let people change you at all? i guess that's not really my call to make, and i've probably most definitely done it a few times too. nothing drastic, most probably gradual, but hopefully almost always for the better. i still hate change.

i definitely let people affect me too much. i'm also kind of touchy sometimes, and also pretty stubborn. and have way too much pride. sometimes i think i trip over it sometimes. but in the end, that's a good thing right. sometimes i feel like i have to push myself out of my comfort zone. and then other times i think that if it's meant to be, it'll happen. is that a load of crap? it might be.

k.. i should probably try to get like 2.5 hours of sleep or something. tomorrow will be a good day... err.. today.

ps. JT... soo sexy. thank you HBO.

it's 18 minutes to quittin' time here .. and i'd really like to leave. despite the fact that i've done almost nothing all day (i actually had a few items of work to do :P) i feel a tad bit guilty about leaving before 7... even if it is just to go next door. is it sheer lazyness? i don't want to get up and walk out to my car until i absolutely have to? is the draw of the internet just that strong... i can internet at home... but it's so much more appealing to do it at my desk here. i don't know.. i don't really get it - but i figured i'll spend a little time being production in an unproductive way.

okay.. i'm fine with leaving 9 minutes early, or i just don't care. actually.. it's really that i don't want to update my blog without pictures - so i can be as unproductively productive as i'd like to be. maybe this weekend!

i'm an aunt! (again). my second nephew, brandon, was born in taiwan on april 28.. i think maybe about 3am.. but i'll have to confirm that. anyways.. maybe i'll put up some pictures when i get some.. but it was pretty exciting to get that 1am call since i can't be there.

i knew i should have quit my job and moved to taiwan :P

yay baby!

sorry no seattle post.. sometimes the more intense things that require more attention take me longer.. and i put off more.

soooo... just a few thoughts. hmm. well.. i guess just one that this is about.

did you ever see good luck chuck? where dane cook is "cursed" that the every girl he dates, she'll marry the next guy she dates. i've been feeling a little like that lately. sort of.. i mean without the actual dating part :P (does that make sense?) okay.. let me explain. the last 3 of 4 guys that i've liked are dating now. #2 and #3 are in really serious, now long term relationships. and they seem really invested and really happy. #4 might be on his way? who knows? #1.. i don't know too much about his personal life. i think he's dated a few girls, nothing super serious though. hmm. i mean. yea.. people move on, it happens, it's not a big deal. but these are also relationships that started pretty much while we were still hanging out, or while i still really liked them. i mean, yea, i know.. i don't let go of things well - but really sort of too close for comfort. i mean.. i never really actually dated any of these people, and #1 and #2 were really probably more crushes more on my part. but still. i don't know how to transition from "hanging out" to "relationship" or even "dating" really. i might be able to settle for that at first. haha.. but i guess it always seems like someone beats me to the punch, or guys move on or find something better? okay. not better.. but better for them? a lot of times i wonder if that's what they always wanted? or if it was mine to lose and i lost it because i was flippant or seemed like i was disinterested. it's seriously starting to be a pattern? really? ugh. not silent g-h. UGH.

i'm not really "upset" or crying over this (at least at the current moment). just a lot of reflection on patterns, and current events, and how they relate to the past. it's interesting. oddly, i'm the kind of person who likes to know everything.. good or bad. if someone's talking shit about, i wanna hear, i wanna know, even if so i can set things straight, or know what to change about myself so that people don't say such things. when things happen, i want to know all the backstory, your end, my end, events leading up, every single detail. i overanalyze, i think way too much, and then some. just a lot of looking into stuff, a lot of what ifs. i might not really ever know the actual truth. but i think (or at least i hope right?!) that when it's right it'll happen. i'll break out of my shell, or someone will recognize and match well with my quirkish habits. there's a lot of "wrong" tries out there, and it's not necessarily to go through all of them all the way, or you just need to recognize what's a wrong fit i guess. (is that my version of he's just not that into you?) hmm.. but it's always a little demoralizing to not get picked and you want to say "why not me?! i'm awesomer than that!" but if you know who you are, it's okay eh?

meh.

<3

i'm rockin!

What a waste of time, the thought crossed my mind

But I never missed a beat
Can’t explain the who or what I was
Trying to believe
What would you do?
What would you do?
Do you know?
I once had a grip on everything
It feels better to let go

I’m not over
I’m not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You’re not that easy to forget
I’m not over

Never took the chance, could’ve jump the fence
I was scared of my own two feet
Couldn’t cross the line, it was black and white
No contrast to be seen
What would you do?
What would you do?
Do you know?
Was it all a joke, never had control
I’m not better on my own

I’m not over
I’m not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You’re not that easy to forget
I’m not over

What a waste of time
The thought crossed my mind
Can’t explain this thing, or what I mean
I’m trying to let go

I’m not over
I’m not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You’re not that easy to forget
I’m not over

I'm Not Over ~ Carolina Liar

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say [x8]

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only ...

Say what you need to say [x8]

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say [x24]

Say ~ John Mayer

so i'm back from seattle. the packing when okay, and even though i brought my very large bag, i wore almost everything i brought with the except of one shirt, jacket and pair of shoes (went together obviously). and that's because we didn't have time for me to go home and shower and change, but i fully intended on wearing them. i also brought such a large bag because nicole told me she was checking a bag - i figured.. hey.. i'll check bag and bring everything i need.. and maybe a little more. whatever.. i'm a notorious overpacker. i'm also a packrat. what do you expect?

the seattle blog will probably have to wait a little bit. it's one of those posts that requires, thought and effort and picking what pictures i want to showcase. and then including links of all the places i went.. you know.. one of those. but i felt the need to blog, so just a quick update - although i'm really supposed to be sleeping.

seattle was fun, and it kind of made me realize that my life really needs a change. it's pretty effing dull right now. i do the same boring crap all the time, worry about stupid lame stuff that isn't worth it, and while i make a half ass attempt at changing - my apathy gets the best of me. only because i'm either too scared to make the change, too "comfortable" with where i am, or not really sure which direction i'm supposed to go. the answer really is all of the above. i really almost didn't come back from seattle - the one thing that made me come back was that angelee is coming on wednesday. maybe she will help me re-find my LA love. she's hating her city and needs to get out, apparently my trap is her escape. hahah.. is this the mid-twenties life crisis?

another thing that's been weighing on me is my relations with people. not with people i know.. well sometimes.. but also (or mostly) new people. people have said that "i make friends so easily" .. or that it seems like it's easy for me to meet people - and while it sort of is, being actual friends with them is different. i didn't think that i have walls, but maybe i do. my walls protect me from getting rejected i think. or err on the side of looking stupid, because i judge other people so harshly, i apply those same standards to myself. i really don't think that i can get away with saying or doing certain things. or maybe i'm just lazy in that aspect too. i can respond to people's efforts, but i don't really make much of my own. i do, a little, but in a lot of circumstances, i just go with the flow. this backfires when other people don't want to make an effort because they think they'll get rejected? or maybe they don't care that much either? or the think i don't want to. i didn't really start worrying about this, until i realized that it's kind of a pattern. it makes me almost feel like i'm doomed for life. or until at least i learn, which is forever from now. this weirds me out though, because i find myself doing odd things, in order to compensate for other things, or i wonder if that's it. but when i see other people doing it, i realize that it's wrong. but i still can't help myself. this is closely related to my other post about the game and my lack of knowledge for participating in it. not only "game" wise, but people wise.

i'm confused. i'm sad. i'm weird.

so.. in 8 hours or so, i'm leaving for seattle. i haven't packed. haha. instead.. i'm watching girlicious and blogging and sort of thinking about packing. i washed all my clothes today, about 4 loads or so, and put it all away.. (that's a first.. usually i let it sit all folded in baskets for a little while). heh. it's kind of throwing me off, i'm told to bring clothes for cold rainy weather. but it's gonna be like 70 degrees out tomorrow! i don't think i even know where my umbrella is. it's lost somehwere. all 3 of them. oops. i hate packing. hate hate hate it. i'm putting off everything until the last minute. i know i'm gonna run out of time tomorrow... especially since you know i'm not going to wake up early. please. i can't even wake up early for work, am i gonna wake up early to pack? i guess i have to huh? haha.

i'm excited about seattle though, because i think it'll be like a "real" mini vacation. it'll be so different, which i am really looking forward to. funny, angelee is coming down next week to get out of SF and to super LA things, and i'm her tour guide. but i just really want to get out of LA. well, maybe it's not LA, just the current situations. it's got me all bothered, and i can't necessarily focus. which sounds dumb because that's when you really need to pull together and focus, but i can't. i'm hoping for a change soon... we'll see. cross your fingers, but i definitely am not counting any eggs before they hatch. just hoping. meanwhile, seattle will be great. i'm going to eat at the top of the space needle! haha.. i haven't gotten to eat at encounter, i wonder if it will pale in comparison to the space needle once i finally do.

i know these lyrics aren't meaningful by any sort, but i'm also all about catchy. and how i can relate to "real" emotion (such as the hills...) shows like that, and songs from groups like girlicious or pussycat dolls help satisfy the stupid girly part of me that i let come out every once in awhile. publicly at least, it's kind of ALWAYS there, i beat it down a lot. lately it's been more often ... and it's kind of disturbing. but this helps me out.. i wonder when their actual singles and cd's are going to come out. hah. also, i think i'm taking these lyrics out of context.. but that's okay too.

Keep trippin'
I don't wanna keep slippin'
I don't wanna be bitchin'
I think I might as well leave you alone!

so, despite the fact that i'm pretty broke nowadays, i went shopping on sunday. it was a total accidental shopping trip, and i didn't really buy anything i "need". i went to lunch with the fam @ hometown buffet (mmm...) and my mom wanted to go to macy's to check a few things out. i did pretty well, except when we were leaving i saw a dress (the turquoise one) and thought it was way cute. and then that transitioned into a few hours of looking at dresses and clothes. sweet. so, despite the fact that i'm pretty broke nowadays, i went shopping on sunday. it was a total accidental shopping trip, and i didn't really buy anything i "need". i went to lunch with the fam @ hometown buffet (mmm...) and my mom wanted to go to macy's to check a few things out. i did pretty well, except when we were leaving i saw a dress (the turquoise one) and thought it was way cute. and then that transitioned into a few hours of looking at dresses and clothes. sweet. a few hours later i walked out of macy's with 3 dresses, a jacket, a hoodie and 2 necklaces. the lady who rung me up asked me if i was an only child (because my mom was paying for the stuff on her macy's card so we could get an extra 20% off) and if i was going to prom. haha. that's the second time that week that someone thought i was 18. don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
so, despite the fact that i'm pretty broke nowadays, i went shopping on sunday. it was a total accidental shopping trip, and i didn't really buy anything i "need". i went to lunch with the fam @ hometown buffet (mmm...) and my mom wanted to go to macy's to check a few things out. i did pretty well, except when we were leaving i saw a dress (the turquoise one) and thought it was way cute. and then that transitioned into a few hours of looking at dresses and clothes. sweet. a few hours later i walked out of macy's with 3 dresses, a jacket, a hoodie and 2 necklaces. the lady who rung me up asked me if i was an only child (because my mom was paying for the stuff on her macy's card so we could get an extra 20% off) and if i was going to prom. haha. that's the second time that week that someone thought i was 18. don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

then i went to target because there was a few things i needed. another hour or so later, i end up with some more stuff, including 2 pairs of shoes and a purse. to be fair, this purse i had been coveting for awhile, and now it was on clearance. i almost bought another purse that was new and full price, but i figured i should probably wait.

i've been slowly breaking out the new items. i have this weird rule about only wearing 1 new item at a time.. like to spread out the newness. although that only applies to things i can wear to work. i'm pretty sure if i wore any of those dresses to work, people would think i was crazy. and.. as a segue, i have NO where special to wear these dresses. i don't need them or anything, but like to have them just in case. there are 2 weddings that i think i'm invited to, but those aren't until the fall or the winter. so... if you have any special events you need a date to... call me up!

lately, people have been on the frustrating side of the scale. my patience and tolerance is limited these days, and while i never really say anything, i just kind of nod and smile and try to find the quickest way to exit the conversation. i'm not really a fighter (nor am i a lover.. so where does that leave me? har har..) only because it's usually pointless to argue with people because they don't listen, so it's a waste of time. if i'm arguing with you, feel privileged, because that means i think you're actually sensible enough to try to reason with.

on top of normal people - there's customer service people. sometimes.. they are the worst. i've been coveting these banana shoes for awhile, and during a third street stroll yesterday, i remembered that i really wanted them. and! i was hoping that they were further reduced. they didn't have them in the store on the promenade, so i came back and checked online, and they were cheaper than before! score! i called a few stores to try and find them, and had to put them on hold at two different places. i called the century city store (ironically, where i first saw them) and it was the worst customer service experience i've had in awhile. i called, and this lady put me on hold foorevvveerrr. and then this dude picks up.

me: do you have the alisha open toe rouched mid-heel sling back in smoke?
BRguy: (kind of confused) umm. okay.... do you have a style number?
me: no i'm looking at your website, and you guys don't list style numbers
BRguy: ok...
(a minute later)
BRguy: so i only have it in gold
me: it doesn't come in gold, only smoke and silver
BRguy: it's a thong sandal right?
me: no. it's an OPEN TOE shoe that has a half heel. it's kind of gathered in the front. only comes in smoke and silver.
BRguy: the elisa right? that's what i have in front of me..
me: no. the A-li-SHa - a-l-i-s-h-a
BRguy: but it's not a sandal?
me: no. it's a heel.
BRguy: i don't think we carry that in our store
me: but i've seen it in your store before
BRguy: then i don't know what you're talking about
me: umm..
BRguy: what i have here is the elisa, there's also the elizabeth and the emily, and that's all i have for the e's.
me: no. alisha. A-l-i-s-h-a
BRguy: oh... A.. yea we have that.

ohmygod. and plus - when i went there it was $79.99 in the store, and $59.99 online. lame! but i couldn't just order it online, cuz i needed to know what size. plus i want them for saturday. so i'm going to do some double buying/returning. cool.

today at lunch i was told that i seem to be a nexus of drama. that i secretly love it, and that i'm drawn to it, and i thrive on it. i don't think that's true. i mean... maybe it seems like i have more drama in my life than others - or maybe i just point it out more. i find it because things are so simple to me, and i don't understand why things are so complicated, and that's how the drama arises. maybe people bring their drama to me because i seem like i care, and i seem nice, so i become a sounding board/therapist/sanity check for people. so it's like i'm too nice right? then why does everyone at work think i'm a bitch? because i point out your flaws? because i want things done right? (and by right.. i mean my way.) haha.. oh well. i really don't try to find it, i don't. i don't even really enjoy it. not like ice cream. i enjoy that. if i could trade all my drama for ice cream, i'd be like 600 lbs. ooh. and then i could work from home like homer simpson.

okay.. enough day dreaming... back to uhhh.. work.

so i got this in my email today. i had kind of sort of forgotten that i had applied to this one late night while being fed up with my job. but i've always wanted to do something like this, and i always feel like when it comes to chinese things i should have an "in". hahah. like when i'm watching the amazing and they go to taiwan, i'm always like "man! i would rule this leg!" except i'm atrocious at directions and would totally get lost. if i ever go on it, or even try out, i'd need someone who's REALLY good at getting places where they don't know where they're going. i could do the challenges, but finding where to go.. yeaaaa.. not so much. anyways. so yea. i feel like college admission again or something. i'm waiting to hear back.. kind of nervous, cuz i really want it. how awesome would that be?! seriously.

so.. i'm on the job hunt again. it kind of slowed down a little, and i got some, well one, good prospect, but it ended up not panning out. kind of sad about it, but also kind of... okay with it. it would have been a great opportunity, but almost like starting over. which i was prepared to do, but maybe it isn't the right time to at the current moment. there was a lot of things i'd be walking away from, and while i was ready to do so, a lot of things would be hard because of it. so... in the end, maybe it wasn't "right" (see previous post.. haha.) so yea.. if you hear anything.. let me know!

so i'm sick again. yuk. at first i was hoping that it was just allergies to a cat, but now i'm full blown coughing, congested, phlegm filled, sore and achyness. awesome. my stomach and chest hurt so much from coughing so much. bleh.

nothing's been making me feel better... except for eating. although i haven't really felt like eating a lot. (sad! i know!) except my stomach has been growling - which i guess does mean that i'm hungry. i guess i just can't decide what i want to eat. but i did jump all over dre's panda express that she brought in. (thanks! hope i didn't drool too much over your shoulder.)

so... lately.. i've come to the stark realization that i have NO idea how to play "the game." you always think that you have to play by "the rules" in order to get mr. right. hah! when i just looked up the book apparently there's a whole series! the rules, the rules II, ALL the rules, and the rules for online dating. maybe i should read those and get cracking! BUT.. that book (yes.. i borrowed it from nicole to check it out..) is all about being demure and letting the guy chase you and not chasing after guys. or something like that. somehow, those rules don't really work, unless you're ridiculously hot, or you're really good at playing the game already. it's very hard to find someone who's gonna make grand gestures or moves, but it seems to happen to a lot of people. so i don't know if i'm doing something wrong, or if i just haven't found the one. i realize that guys aren't as forthcoming as in the past or in books. they can get pretty shy. problem is: that i get a tad bit shy, i mean.. in terms of showing people i "like" them. i mean.. i've been told that i'm a "flirt".. which i don't believe at all. but if i were to believe this, it only applies to people i'm not interested in. because, when there is s person i'm interested in, i get all shy and lame. way lame. the funny, cute, sarcastic, dry humor in me turns to "oh yea?" "uh huh?" "oh, that's nice." i told you, lame. i also stay away from being overtly flirty so i don't chance getting rejected, or looking like a whore. i know that both of those happen, and just because you act a little interested, doesn't mean you're a whore, but i can't shake that feeling. or the fear of rejection one. but i do think that i go the exact opposite and impression of "not interested." thus, me not knowing how to play "the game." i don't think that every guy is "mine to lose" but maybe certain ones are. and sometimes they'll go for the more agressive girls or the ones that show they are really interested, and that means a lot. i've been duped by the attention factor a few times. although this attitude doesn't help me in learning how to play "the game". maybe things will just fall into place when they're supposed to. sometimes i can be funny even when i'm interested. maybe. ugh. i just have to believe that things will happen when they're gonna happen, things aren't always what they seem they are, and going with your gut is sometimes a great decision. but do be clear that i do indeed follow the creed "don't hate the playa, hate the game". i do really really hate "the game".

i should probably go to bed now since it's midnight and i really was supposed to go to bed the second i got home. damn dvr.

here's a post from last friday that never got posted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

last hour of the work day - and all i really want to do is go home. now. things have slowed down significantly, and despite getting 10 hours of sleep and 2 cups of coffee today, i am EXHAUSTED. just really physically tired. i had a few late nights this week, and one super late night, and i think it's hitting me now. so much so that i'm not even sure i want to go out tonight. (oh.. such a tragedy.) i'm conflicted because it's friday night and it's one friend's last day, and another friend's birthday. going out always seems to be the "it" thing to do, and of course i want to hang out with my friends, but sitting on my couch in in my sweats is SO appealing. but i did manage to get all cute, and my hair is sort of behaving today (i spent enough damn time with it this morning), so i shouldn't waste the pretty, right?

speaking of cute. i'm wearing this gap shirt that i loved and don't wear as much anymore (i think because i think it's a little fancy). the shirt probably hates me though because i've gotten it SO dirty - and it's such a pretty little shirt. i spilled something on it way back and there was a light stain. then i spilled red wine on it while working at an event for work. and today i spilled chocolate ice cream cake on it. *sigh* i think sometimes i'm just not meant to have nice things.

i knew john mayer had a blog - i thought it was just off his official website or something... but this? he writes about his "personal" life. it makes me feel like we're friends... http://blog.honeyee.com/john/ i love you john mayer. i forget how much i love people sometimes. like jason mraz? LOVE him. totally forgot all about that. well.. not forgot, but it just didn't seem as strong. i remember the hey dey of my mraz obsessiveness where i'd be on the chat boards and making friends and going to all the concerts. and now i'm so far removed it, and from a lot of other things. hmm... funny how things change so much over time, and how things can seem so stagnant in present situations.

see. aren't these things soooooo cute. in the past recent days, my friends who are fans of all things color have been like "oh yea.. i wanted to get one too." yea.. you laughed when i wanted a pink razr. and laughed again when i lost it in vegas and was dying to get a new one but they were all sold out. but colored razrs are all the rage now, and dear angelee even owns a pink blackberry. (hahah.. won't be as cool as my pink iphone!) so colored cameras will be all the rage. i won't go as so far to get a pink SLR (if i ever get one) because that just seems tacky. but LOOK at those colored canons. even the brown. i seriously might need to have a backup camera or something. so. cute.

i've been at work for a little while.. and for the life of me, i can't think of anything to do. oh wait.. i just remembered some stuff i was supposed to send out.. okay.. i have a few things to do that will take me... ohhhh.. five seconds.

anyways...this morning i really did not want to get dressed this morning. i was standing there in my towel and wet hair and just laid back down in bed, wet hair an all. bleh. so much effort. i finally got dressed and made it to work, a tad bit earlier than usual (like 15 minutes) and was jazzed i beat the desk partner to work, until i realized she had a doctor appointment and wouldn't be in until lunch. damn. now i'm sitting here.. wondering what i can do all day. and just... staring. my mom and my aunt told me how lucky i was to have this job, with secure pay and benefits and it should be grand that i'm not that busy. unfortunately, this makes me even more sad. it's weird. i really dislike feeling this useless. you think i would love to surf the internet all day, unfortunately, i may have reached the end. or just don't want to seem like such a huge loaf at 10am on a monday morning.

either way.. here are some things i've been meaning to post about. some findings in my travels through the internet.

dre sent me this because i constantly gab about when i'm going to get my iphone (which is looking like june now :( ) and although i'm not a super girly girl, i can appreciate that sometimes things look really cute in pink. like my razr. and i recently discovered that they are making canon's in different colors. i almost ditched my less than one year old camera to my mom so i could buy the exact same one, but in pink. my mother yelled at me for that one, don't worry. anyhoo. although this is just a mock up, think about how cute it would really be if apple made them in pink. sooooo cute. this post says it might be an extra $300 - but would apple really do that? they made the nanos in different colors and they weren't extra. hmm. either way, i think i have to wait until june since they're coming out with a new version and so it seems silly to buy one now instead of wait. but that makes me saaaaaad.

so i initially thought that this was a joke. really.. how can something like this be true. i mean.. i guess i would lose a bunch of weight if i was only eating 4 cookies a day. but i would also be starving.

maybe these cookies are packed with enough stuff that you're not hungry - but i doubt it. i thought it was a spam add or something - but funny enough i was watching lipstick jungle and they made reference to it. weird. am i desperate enough to by 88 cookies for $99? i guess that's cheaper than buying mrs. field's cookies... but would 4 cookies a day plus dinner tide me over? i don't know man, especially when there's free philly cheesesteaks at work today. damn. but also on lipstick jungle the mentioned a prequel to harry potter by jk rowling. hmmmm.. i googled it breifly and found some links. there's an site and i guess you can download the book in pdf format to read. it's not really by jk, but rather written by some dude "based upon" jk's work. kind of a let down.. but could be interesting to read. fan stories aren't half bad sometimes - but definitely not the same as the real deal.

one last thing.. here's a banner ad that i found amusing.


would you click on this? sometimes i wonder what people think. but i guess if you really needed affirmation if you were dumb or not. there it is. although how sad would it be if you took an internet quiz and it was like "yup, you're dumb."

awesome.

one last bit of goodness.. conversation with my boss:
boss: did you have a good easter? did you find all your eggs?
me: i don't really celebrate easter. no eggs to find.
boss: what you do is put all the money in the eggs, get REALLY hammered and then go and hide all the eggs. wake up in the morning, and then try to find them.
me: maaan, why didn't you tell me that before yesterday?

you can now add "garage door fixer" to the long list of things i can do. today my sister's garage door got stuck and i unjammed it and now it works great. who knew i was so handy?

it's funny to see how although i'd like to say i'm drastically different from my mother - sometimes i find myself seeing how inherently the same we are... and why exactly i am the way i am. i think i've posted about this before .. but here we go anyways.

often people will tell me i'm "too nice". too giving, too caring, too helpful... bordering on letting myself get walked all over. i can't say that i always disagree, but i don't feel like it's really THAT bad. in the end, i try to be the person i want to be, and if i was doing things just so i wouldn't be "too nice" then it's not really a decision i'm making, but one i'm making under peer pressure. (when in the end, they don't really give a shit anyways, but that's another topic.) i'm an evil evil participant in the "what if" game, and i hate to make myself feel guilty about stuff (even though i do it all the time), so if i made a decision to not be "too nice", i would probably feel like a huge bitch later, and beat myself up over it, and that sucks too. what makes this all ironic is that when it comes to other people, i'm very clear on situations, and can easily tell them what they should and shouldn't do in order to "stand up for themselves". "no, don't call him back." "no, don't send him that present." "no, don't send that email... it's lame." when it comes to myself, not so much.

my cousin has been living at my parent's house for awhile, and he's a huge brat. super anti-social, doesn't really talk or respond, doesn't take part in anything, probably doesn't do his part, and isn't really someone you want to socialize with. quite a departure from the joy of living with me, as you can imagine.. (oh quiet, you know what i'm talking about). and he's not just quiet in the endearing shy kind of way, but in the bratty i'd rather be sitting in front of my computer all day long kind of way. my mom is doing it, for family, but she doesn't really begrudge her brother for making her do this, the situation just annoys her. in a way, she's kind of like me (or i'm kind of like her) where you kind of just take it in, until you can't deal with it anymore. she complained ALL afternoon about him to my aunt. but she is so nice and polite to him. i think mostly because she doesn't want him to throw a tantrum or hate her or be even more of a brat. who knows. she's WAY nicer to him than she was to my sister or i growing up (or even sometimes currently). i think i attribute this to a) she never had to raise boys, and b) it's not her own child, so she can't just smack him around how she wants.

today we came home and discovered that he broke a bottle of cooking wine and there was newspapers and many paper towels soaked up in the kitchen. i helped my mom out, and was kind of mad at the situation, and my mom was like "i'll talk to him later about it." when he came downstairs, my mom politely asks him what he broke, if he cleaned up all the glass, and if he was okay. huh?! so not the ass whooping i was hoping for. i mean.. granted he did clear away the broken glass, but i could tell my mom was frustrated that he didn't take out the garbage and kind of did a half ass job at cleaning up. yet, she didn't even mention it to him at all. she's waiting until his mom (my mom's sister in law) to come in may so she can tell/point out/show all these bad traits or something and hope that she'll talk to him about it, because she's the only person he'll listen to willingly. i felt like i wanted to say something, or berate my cousin, or tell him to stop being such a jerk. the other day someone told me that with guys, if there's an easy way out, they'll take it. my mom - as long as she babies him, he's not gonna do anything different. with me, as long as i don't "stand up" to other people, nothing's going to change. probably like my mother, i don't really know how to accomplish this. this also slightly worries me, because i always felt like, in time, with age and wisdom and experience, i'd find my footing, and i'd find how to stand up and be confident. but what if i'm just always like this and never find my way. not that i'm not totally awesome right now, but i can do some pretty stupid things sometimes... which i guess you'll always be guilty of, it's human nature. i just hope that i can learn from mistakes. or make sure i'm not a miserable person. alone, and sad, or with someone who i'm not completely happy with. because that would suck. i'm guilty of doing too many things for people i love, or really even remotely like, because i figure.. "hey, why not?" most of the time i don't really have a strong opinion about something, so i just go with the flow. i don't know if that's easy going or pushover. i think it's option a to me, option b to other people. and i hate to be seen as that. but how can i help it? i don't know. this subject confuses me to all heck anyways.

funny result though, my mom appreciates me WAY more because she can see by comparison now just how awesome i am. i guess it's that whole "you miss it when you don't have it" thing, although i know my mom always loves me. i also like how she tells me all the time that i should move back home. like i would want to re-insert myself back into that situation. i guess when i really decide my life is over i'll do that. until then, that's a negatory madre. lo siento.

happy first day of spring! (thursday)...

:)

post more later...

i really have nothing to write about, but i just had a yearning to blog. i think this may have been my secret new year's resolution - but i can't say that it is, or else i won't keep it.

i'm finally feeling a little better (hopefully i'm not jinxing myself here either). maybe that's attributing to the fact that i left work at 7:30 and came home and immediately passed out. a good 3 hour nap will do wonders. i'm just hoping i can fall back asleep here in a minute. come onnnnn nyquil.. work your magic! i spent the last two days trapped inside my own head due to some weird congestion/ear stuffiness that seems to be alleviating itself today. but it was the worst because my ears were constantly plugged, all the sound was trapped inside my head, and i couldn't hear well, but could hear all the really low tones and they drowned everything else out. listening to music in the car on the way to work this morning was a bitch. i finally found a classical station. by the way, they turned my favorite classical station 105.1 into a country music station?! what?! ugh. country music stations belong below the 100's... just my opinion.

on the job front - trying to work on it. i've sent out my info to a few more places, definitely not 10 a day like the "suggested" amount is... but i'm at least looking. there's a new "project" at work, and i can't decide if i want to try and get super involved with it in order to make me feel accomplished and make sure it's as "cool" as it can be. or if i should learn how to not be a control freak and let it run it's course.

that last sentence however i am trying to apply to my life. i need to be a lot better at learning how to "let go". and not worry so much about things i can't control, and know that people are being stupid and weird, even they were cool in the past, or if i care about them, i kind of just have to let go, or realize that they aren't worth my time now. it's hard because i don't like to be the person to say "i'm so awesome you can't hang out with me" and so i have to realize it's not that, but more like it "shouldn't be that hard". i think i should be permanently sick though because it makes me not want to try as hard to have conversations/put forth effort/be too nice. i'm slightly sick of doing all the chasing. but minimal effort is still needed right?

someone commented again today that i look "pissed off"... i was just working, and quite bored. and maybe arranging dates on a calendar was really secretly making me upset - but i wasn't trying to look angry. but "it's just her work jean angry face" great. i need to try and make my bored working face not be my angry pissed off face. but it's hard, because i've realized that my lips naturally curve downwards - so if i'm not using any muscles in my face to look amused or smile, it's just this not happy face. not quite sad, but more intense into the angry section. hmmph. i probably look angry typing this blog. but i'm not.. :D! excited face!

but i did realize i need a major change in my life. and this wasn't going to come with people i talk to you and things i do on the weekend, but really day to day life and my job. then the other things will fall into place. (hopefully.. right?) although... sometimes i feel this year has moved so slowly, but i can't remember when i posted about it being february already, and now it's march. my next milestone i'm looking forward to is the beginning of april so i can get an iphone. i'm hoping that it will be here in no time at all. see... i have goals.

oh crap.. that means i have to finish this trailer, and do my taxes. yikes.

so in addition to feeling pretty miserable and crappy cuz i've been sick.. this is what i've been up to this past month.

tried the counter for the first time. this was the final event of dreafest08. any reason really to go have giant burgers is good for me though. i had heard lots about this place, but never been, so i was pretty excited to go :)

i've been working "a lot" lately. haha.. off and on i guess. is that like most jobs? sometimes for work i get to order office supplies. sometimes they come with really significant instructions. see below.


seriously? who do they think is buying this stuff? even if it were little kids, you'd think you wouldn't have to tell anyone to remove the plastic on the OUTSIDE of the package in order to use it? wow.

ann came back to town for president's day weekend and we finally went on our cupcake hunt! yay! she had been hearing about the new trendy cupcake stores, so i scouted some out for her to try. we went to hotcakes bakes, vanilla, and crumbs. we tried to go to sprinkles, but there was honestly like a line down the street. mostly cuz it's a small store and it probably only accomodates like 2 people at a time. but i really DON'T get the hype of sprinkles. they're way cute, and their packaging is great... but taste wise. i think that crumbs is by far the best. and most ingenious with their flavors. i highly recommend the reese's peanut butter cupcake, and the oreo cupcake (if you like oreos.. who doesn't?!). and the artie lange cupcake - which is a special right now.. and AMAZING. hotcakes bakes (red velvet on the left) was really good, and vanilla (mini cakes on the right) was okay. it wasn't my favorite because the frosting was really light, and i think kind of bland, but ann liked it for that very reason. i like SUGAR. that's probably why i like crumbs so much. the cupcakes are huge, and sweet, and dense, and rich. YUM. if i'm gonna pay $3.50-$4 for a cupcake, it shouldn't be puny!

this isn't a very good picture - but this is me in the parking lot at work waiting for the total lunar eclipse (once upon a time i was falling in love, now i'm only falling apart... *snicker.. this makes me laugh everytime.) *ahem* anyhoo.. the lunar eclipse is that small blurry dot highest in the picture. it's sort of obscured by the blight light off the building.. and that's kind of how i felt in the parking lot too.

this month was a big birthday month. in addition to andrea, there was also vivian, my grandmother, sherry, keri kaba, my boss, and jo. jo's bday was special because i was able to try something that i've been wanting to for awhile. lucky charm treats!! much like rice crispy treats (okay.. exact same thing) but with lucky charms instead of rice crispies. c'mon... marshmallow with marshmallow?! win win situation. they were really excellent and i was proud of myself and looking at this picture makes me drool. they're definitely going to have to make a reappearance.

i'm listening to the three graces cd.. it's pretty awesome. and good thinking doing stuff music :) if you like josh groban and il divo, you will love them. if you're a guy, you'll love them, cuz they're hot. haha.. but they do sound amazing. i'm pretty intrigued to see them live in a month. yay. (oh and.. go support them if not for any other reason than so my roommate can get nice and rich and she can be my sugar mama.) :)

so my good friend beth up and left LA and moved far away. now she sends me presents... and to demonstrate how well she knows me, look at what she got me. a long time ago i was eyeing this very thing at urban outfitters. not sure exactly where she got it, but it's my kind of present. i never bought it because i thought it was kind of small for two people, and true it shows you're supposed to put a shot glass at the bottom so not everyone and their mother are putting their mouths on it, but true ice luge style calls for it. it probably won't get too much use right away, we'll have to find the right occasion, but the roommate is really excited as well. maybe we can have the mini ice luge for the wusses and the big ice luge for the pros. i love me some ice luges. thanks beth!

one last thing... awesomest commercial i've seen lately. which isn't really saying much because of tivo (love you) and dvr i don't really watch commercials. but see.. i didn't miss out on this one! it's meant to be.

trying to pass the last 30 minutes of the day. even though i'm blogging through it, i feel slightly proud of myself for making it through the day. this sickness that reared it's ugly head a week ago, but seemed to have been slain this weekend, is coming back with a nasty vengeance and my throat is not enjoying it. boo for sick tuesdays. i came in relatively "on time" like 9:30ish. for me.. (lately) that's on time, as i have been getting here after the 10 o'clock hour. bad jean. it's a combination of things really... but internally.. i feel sort of bad. so i'm "trying" to get here earlier. today was a good day. i told myself i was gonna go home early, and my boss even told me to go home. don't know why i didn't. figured i already dragged myself out of bed and here, might as well tough it out. or.. maybe it really does take more energy to sit here, than to go home.

i'm kind of stumbling through the days. trying to keep myself busy, trying to find things to do, as they figure themselves out. i kind of have a feeling things aren't really gonna get better before the next 5 weeks are up, and that does kind of give me a little bit of incentive. i've applied to jobs, but haven't really heard any thing back. which is sad. am i really that unqualified? are my goals too lofty? do my resume/cover letter suck that much? i KNOW that i can do these jobs, it's just "hard" to get your foot in the door i suppose. but what also sucks is that i keep having to answer questions, and help people out, and i sit here and wonder, if i have all the answers, why am i still just sitting here? *sigh... i don't know.

ok.. i think that i can leave 20 minutes early. that's not too bad. it sure doesn't take me 1/2 hour to blog... i must type really fast :P but i do need to post a picture blog soon.. i just don't have the pix with me, they'll be up soon though.