Lessons in How to Make Friends at Work.



This is especially important when you're the new kid at school and no one's really talking to you. That's an exaggeration because people are talking to me, it's just hard because of the circumstances, which is fine, because I could get to know them slowly, but I just wanted to speed up the process a little.

Food, and especially sweets, I find, are the easiest way to make friends. Granted this is not the reason why I made them, but it doesn't hurt. I've been wanting to do it for awhile ever since I saw this post on bakerella's blogspot. I didn't have the supplies, and when I did, I didn't have the time. I finally just did it. I was aiming for having them at a dinner party, but I never factor in "cooling" and so it didn't really get them done in time. They're not quite as pretty as bakerella's and I'm not quite sure how to ever make them that pretty. But they tasted pretty awesome and I got lots of compliments on them. Yay. And while I didn't really make any life long friends, people were a bit nicer to me at work. It's a good way to start off demonstrating that you're nice too and not just "mean work jean". Either way, it was a fun project and I needed to take them to work and pass them out so I didn't eat them all while sitting on the couch crying over the Bachelorette (did anyone see that shiz?!) or my life or whatever.

So that was my first and maybe last (for awhile) attempt at cake pops. They're kind of a little bit more labor intensive than anything else, and I'm becoming increasingly lazy/busy. Although I do have leftover popsicle sticks left over. Maybe I'll try regular chocolate cake. It's not as moist (*moist*) since red velvet is generally liquidier and maybe that will make it a tad easier. But damn is candy coating messy!

One more note for tonight - a 3 people from my old jobby got invited to join the Academy! Or should I say "THE" Academy. I know that there are tons of people in the academy, and a few people I know already are, but it's still an honor no matter what. And strange to think that I "know" people in THE Academy. haha. But they really are the shiznits. They're so money and they don't even know it. Okay, some of them know it, but they're pretty effing awesome all the same. Jet Li's also on that list - man.. what if I had gotten that job as his assistant? And Jason Reitman. What if I had talked to him that one time I scorekept his hockey game about work and job stuff? Right before he hit it...bigtime. Whoa. I seem so "LA" HAH. Not that it makes a big difference whether they're in THE Academy or not because they're already kind of a big deal, but it's just interesting to think about since this is the year they got invited. Regardless, congrats to Kelly Port, Doug Roble and Otay!!! Whoa, snazzy.. they have their own Variety profiles if you click on their names. Money.

OOH OOH OOH... lookee what I found. There's a few people here that I would want to send this to, well, really, one in particular, but I would never. I don't have those kind of balls, but I bet Dorina would tell me if I did that would make me awesome. HAH.



Honestly, I might not agree, but I like it regardless, it's funny.

Guess who's not sleeping?! ME. boo. I really should be sleeping because I need to be at the top of my A game, but I like staying up and having fun on the internets. Especially now that I have to actually work work, and don't have much time for stalking people - err.. I mean, cruising the internet during the day, it leaves me no other choice than to do it late at night. Oops.

I survived my first "real" week at new job. Actually, technically my first "real" week is this week, because the first 3 days of this past week didn't really count. Last Friday, I left work at 9:30pm and was too pooped to do anything, so I watched Girl Next Door with the roommate(s). (Yea, I said it.) I wonder if this Friday and weekend I will just be so plain damn exhausted. I'm going to have to get used to real work again, and then some. I remember when I would rack up the hours when I worked on Pirates, or the 90 hour work week I put in before the Halloween party, or the crazy stuff I did before SIGGRAPH - and yet it never quite tired me out like this. Okay, maybe it did and I just can't remember, so in a year or two, I'll be like "yea.. that was a piece of cake." There was a little bit of drama in the workplace, and I had a few silent mental crises, but it might turn out okay. One thing I'm going to have to change (effective now... did you notice?!) Is that I'm going to have to stop typing in all lower case. I mean, I'm fully capable of typing properly, but I would do the all lower case because I thought it was "cute." In chats, or non-important emails. But now that I take notes ALL the time, I sometimes slip into the "quick" habit of all lower case format, and then it's a huge pain in the ass to go back and edit. So I'm trying to be efficient.

I went to a "dinner party" (not the "adult" version because it was a potluck and we mostly stood around a counter and ate off paper plates, but that's okay) and towards the end of the night the conversation veered towards boys/relationships/dating etc. I'm a pretty non-girly person, sometimes. Among some of my friends, I'm the ridiculous girly silly one. Among other of my friends, I'm the weird cold one. I think that's strange that I can be so, varied. I was definitely a little bit of a whiney mess on Friday (I'm going to attribute it to my tiredness.) And it was a little out of character for my friend who had to deal with it that never encountered it before. It was amusing to listen to said friend react. And also put me in my place because I felt like a RetardFace for being that way. Tonight's conversation helped reinforce just how "crazy" girls are. Some of them REALLY are, and I don't get it because I'm so not crazy like that, yet I'm in the same pool as they are, or maybe even worse. (And by worse, I simply mean not going on any dates at all.) I'm not sure where I stand on this whole dating thing. While I'm not all crazy about it, I would like someone who "get me" as Angelee likes to put it. That's not such a bad thing. There is something to be said for such companionship. Finding that person is hard and it's weird because I also don't really try that hard, so what am I complaining about. Who knows. Maybe because I feel like I "try", but I'm really not, or I feel like I shouldn't have to, but I'm not really better than that. Who knows, I don't, and at this point, I'm just rambling so I'll stop now.

Here's a fun story for you.

A week or two ago, I met this guy in the grocery store. In an very unlike me way, I made eye contact, smiled, and GBboy responded well. Good job. We chatted, I ended up giving him my number (I told you, SO not me.) and we said we'd do coffee the next day because we found out we worked down the street from each other. We called and texted and ended meeting up, and I found out that this is not the person for me. Not because he was a bad person, but just because we are at different places in our lives and where he is in his life, is so not anywhere I can be. He may have sensed that I wasn't into it, or maybe he wasn't, but GBboy mentioned I should call him later, and I may have said yes or no, I can't remember, but bottom line is, if he was interested, he should done something about it. Which he didn't, and I was perfectly fine with. I texted him later, because I have some weird issue about maintaining relationships, or I felt sorry for him and thought he might need a friend, or I was just trying to "practice" or I secretly wanted his attention because I wasn't getting it. Who knows, I could have deep issues. And then on a drunken party night, I called him when I got home at 2:30am. Nothing good happens after 2am I was bored and tipsy and I do stupid thing when I get bored. I woke him up and he was all about talking to me, even though I insisted he should go back to sleep. (Oh and this was after I texted him asking what he was up to that night and I got the reply "parting!!!!" <-- no I did not spell that wrong.) Obviously if I'm calling at 2:30am, my intentions of wanting to hang out are kind of clear, but he was in BFE. He said I should go meet him up there, to which my reply was "Hell No." And then he asked if he got all his stuff together and drove down here, if I would be awake and I said "Nope, I'll be sleeping." GBboy kept trying to get me to go there to BFE and get him, and even pulled out some "My mother is sick in Venice and needs a kidney. Can you come get me so that I can give her my kidney?" And when I said no, he tells me "It'll be your fault when my mom dies." and then later on "So, you saw right through my lie, huh?" Umm.. no, shit. What?! Who does/says things like that. Or really, who says things like that and expects someone to fall for them. He asked if we could hang out the next day, and I think I may have said yes, but before a certain time (hey, I'm a busy girl) and yet he still didn't call. Failure to follow through. But I'm okay, because I was planning on avoiding the call anyways. But really?! Is this what people who are actively trying to find a soul mate deal with? Cuz this is TERRIBLE. Needlessly to say I am DONE with GBboy. Drunk, bored, or whatever. Today when I was at the store, I was kind of scanning the area though. I hope I don't have to find a new grocery store, but I won't. Because this whole thing is amusing to me.

Okay - that was my story for today. I'll leave you with one more excerpt.

ben: oh man. im watching the last episode of dawson's creek
ben: tear!
Jean: haha
Jean: yea.. that shit is terrible
Jean: the ending sucked
ben: youre ridiculous
ben: pacey + joey ftw!
Jean: LAME
Jean: nicole said she watched it yesterday at 2am
Jean: and cried
Jean: you guys are gay
ben: ive already teared up a bit
ben: when jack finds out jen is gonna die
ben: so sad!
Jean: so gay!
ben: yeh whatever
ben: you have a cold heart

Nicole cried for A HALF HOUR over this same episode, and when I told her she was lame, she also told me I have no heart. I'm never going to find someone. Haha.

"When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True Story."

argument #184 for why i need an iphone. today i totally lamented about needing to come into work at early o'clock today. but i was kind of okay with it because i was stoked to be "doing something" after the past few months of being a little slow, and then past 3 days of being by myself in the office - i kind of sort of want to be not lazy. well.. i guess productive, so i can feel accomplished.

i've been having trouble sleeping lately. like i'll just wake up really early and panicked, only to find out it's way early. the other day i woke up in the middle of the night feeling really parched and panicked (flashback to the babysitter's club where stacey found out she had diabetes and kept dreaming she was a plant) and thought i was late to work until it took me a few seconds to realize it was still dark outside. and then woke up again about an hour too early. luckily i'm really good at going back to sleep, unfortunately for me, too good - sometimes i end up sleeping way longer than i should have. today i woke up at 6:10am when i set my alarm for 6:30. meh. i showered, got ready. and while it's nice waking up a little early so i can take my time and not feel rushed (especially with my gimpy self), waking up in the morning has never been my strong point. i take some time to eat breakfast and that makes me a tad later than "responsible jean" was planning for. but "hungry jean" tried to tell "responsible jean" that breakfast was necessary so you weren't thinking about how hungry you were all day when you're trying to work.

i come in the office a few minutes before i'm supposed to get here. and no one's here. beth put the idea in my head and asked if there was any hazing going on, and there has been none - at least in the traditional outright blatant form. i thought.. hmm. maybe this is their way of hazing... maybe they do calls in editorial, and no one told me. and my computer finally decides to work and tells me that the new plan is to come in at 8:30 instead to prep for the 9am call. uGH. this email went out at 9:30pm at night - and while i wasn't asleep, i had stopped checking mail. IF i had an iphone, this would not have been a problem. oh july 11th - hurry up and come soon.

it's 8:35 and still no one is here. *sigh.. oh well. at least i look like i care right? positive attitude is everything. keep that in mind.

i'm glad that "hungry jean" won out this morning or else i would be really upset.

i really should be sleeping, but i'm not. haha.. surprise, surprise. i REALLY was trying to be good because tomorrow (err.. today) is the first day of my new job. so i HAVE to be on time, and i should probably be all perky and refreshed, not groggy and sad. but i think i'm also not stressing out because the crew i'm working with isn't in the office until wednesday, so a little less stressful while trying to get situated.

anyways.. last friday (the 13th!!) was my last day at old job. my last day was originally going to be a tuesday, so that extra few days were kind of like cake, has i had already mentally checked out four months ago.. err.. i mean a week or two earlier. haha.. uhh what? just kidding. anyways.. while i'm not going to post the pictures of the lunch of the after work mayhem, i did make sort of a little photo archive of some "last day things"... these seem to work better for me than words.

my last bagel wednesday (with my own egg salad, but "community" tomatoes!) and a very kind and thoughtful breakfast present from vala: cheddar bacon scones from three square. they're SUPER scrumptious. (yea.. i don't normally use words like that. they MUST be good.)

my shrine from/of(?) drawings that vinnie had left me. (before he got the can.. haha).. i just kept them up at my desk for decoration and for fun. my final timecard that i submitted friday morning. and my last day notification email that the coordinators send out to tell the necessary people that you're leaving so they can deactivate you in the system. there's a section that says "reason for leaving" and the "resignation" part of it jumps out at me.

after i sent out my "bummer" email, and i logged out, this kind of hit me because it would be the last time i was logging out. not "really" true because i vpn'ed in tonight to check out an email reply or two. but my (really loud) work computer seemed a little sad as i was logging out of it for the last time. the screen fades to black and white, and it asks me if i really want to log out. almost as a metaphor asking me if i really know what i'm doing.

some more desk decoration. in additional to the bubble bottle wrappers we had for racer, dre and i went to szechwan for lunch one day and we got these fortune cookies. i thought they were really cute as a pair and really were meant for us as us finding each other. (aww.. so cute.. barf.) anyhoo, i left them at my desk for the next person to find. or just to have andrea miss me. although she probably doesn't think as much about these fortunes as i do. cuz i'm a dork. my "last" time at the firehouse. i might end up there again. but it's different going there as someone not from DD. i think it means a little less. and it's a little weird to be thinking that i won't be going there so frequently again. oh firehouse, i'll miss walking past you and giggling every time i see the logo that served as the backdrop for erotic photo hunt.

GEEZ. who knew that i was such an emotional sap. i'm so lame. you'd think that i really didn't want to leave or something, even though at time in the past 4 months (and even a little in the past year) i was kind of miserable. and i was a little sad when i looked at a production schedule of a show i really wanted to work on, and saw the expansion and knew that one of those slots could have been my name. BOO. but i also have to keep thinking that this is for the best. you know how they say that the grass is greener on the other side? this might be one of those things. i broke free, but i realized that what i had might not have been so bad. of course, it's just my comfort zone, and my feeling of familiarity, and i'll just have to get over it. but it was nice while it lasted. and it was such a huge part of my life. and it's also nice to get those emails telling me that i'm already missed, and hearing that people weren't happy that i was leaving. partially because i am a greedy attention whore, and partially because it's nice to know that people appreciate you, especially when you think that you're not really that big of a deal. it's nice to know that sometimes, you kind of are.

okay.. enough sappy crap. want to read something that will make you laugh?

haha.. so there's this person at work who i'd always thought was interesting and with me leaving and what not, it's almost like a do or die situation. you only have so many days left to talk/hang out with said person. so.. i'm kind of lame when it comes to the opposite sex. much like my humor, my flirting skills are that of a 12 year old boy. they suck. so.. awhile back i had asked for a can of tuna from mr. healthy, and i figured in my last week, it'd be a nice/cute/endearing/are we gonna make babies? gesture to give him a can back. it was an excuse to talk to him basically. we chatted, and he gave me back yet another can of tuna, and i jokingly asked him to sign it. so.. not that i'm coveting this can or anything.. but it just makes me laugh. because it reminds me of the beginning of felicity, where she's just staring at ben who she's watched FOREVER and just wanting to talking to him and it's another do or die situation. and secretly ... maybe i was hoping he's write his phone number on it, or some really great message. i think it really makes me laugh, because maybe i contemplated writing on the initial can of tuna, the same message than ben wrote felicity's yearbook. i mean.. if i got that from him that might just be crazy. but my daydreams are a little ridiculous.

Dear FelicityJean,

Here it goes. I watched you for four years, always wondered what you were like, and what was going on in your mind all that time when you were so quiet, just thinking. Drawing in your notebook. I should've just asked you, but I never asked you. So now, four years later, I don't even know you. But I admire you. Well, that makes me sound crazy, but I'm okay with that. So take care of yourself.

Love,
BenTuna Can Guy

P.S. I would've said, "Keep in touch," but unfortunately, we were never in touch.

yup, definitely time for bed now.

so i think i've officially given up trying to post about seattle. i can't blog or recap things quite like i used to. it's a combination of being lazy and busy. or at least that's what i tell myself. plus - you always want it to be really good - and i don't have the time or energy for really good sometimes. anyhoo. you can re-live through my pictures of trip1 and trip2. most people have probably seen these already since there's like 3 people who read my blog now (i used to have soooo many fans.. :P) but i'm okay with that. my dad used to read it a lot, and i used to gripe about family stuff a lot. the other day we were talking about my sister's blog, and he asked me how my blog was doing. i quickly tried to scan in my brain to see if i had posted anything embarrassing , but i think i'm okay. plus.. i don't think he's really gonna check it. are you? daddy? are you reading this? haha.

so really.. i wanted to blog to whine. i'm not really doing so well. last tuesday i woke up with this weird lower back pain - but it was kind of minor, so i just muscled through it. it proceeded to get worse, so on wednesday i went to the chiropractor. he told me i torqued my pelvis. yea.. sounds bad. well.. sounds like i did something "fun" - but i didn't. not in the least. too bad. hah. (dad.. are you actually reading this?) i went to the chiropractor again on friday, and it kind of feels less hurty sometimes, but it's kind of always there. mostly in pain when i have to stand up or sit down (the contracting/motion of my lower back) - but now it's gotten to be worse i think, and there's a dull pain when i'm just sitting. and it's starting to radiate into my left leg and arm. boo! what if i'm dying? or becoming paralyzed. uGH. i moved my chiropractor appt from tomorrow to today, and we'll see what he has to say to me. he'll probably chastise me more for not exercising, but i swear that i can't really move much - how am i supposed to exercise? but he's probably right - i walked (sort of speedily) for 30 minutes yesterday, and felt better... but then i went home and sat and probably effed it all up, because, today, i want to cry. :(

i feel like a old lady/pregnant lady (one of the two, not both) because i have a hard time standing up or moving, and i have to use my arms a lot to hoist myself up since my lower back's motion is pretty limited. poop. it's pretty amusing if you're hanging around me a lot to see how gimpy/broken i am. i'm hoping it won't affect my new job next week.. cuz that's gonna suck. i'm supposed to be top notch and i'm all broken! BOO.

this makes me feel a little better though, i like my friends:

De: why are you sore
jean: i torqued my pelvis or something.. i dunno.. but it affects my whole lower back and kind of sucks.. i feel like an old lady
De: i thought that you did hook up with that dude
De: wow he put it on you good enough to torque a pelvis
jean: har har har
jean: i wish.
De: haha
De: now you wish
De: what a perv
jean: well.. if i'm going to be in this much pain - i at least wish i did something fun to deserve it
jean: but i just woke up and it was like this.
De: wow

so this is why you don't leave me alone and bored for 2 weeks while you go to hawaii.

so there's always the thing where you prank someone's office when they leave for a substantial vacation. only recently have we started doing that at our work. i think it's mostly a tradition that got brought in with the "new additions" to the company. which is kind of ironic, but that's another story. anyways.. i stole this idea of an office prank from someone else, but i fully executed it. since he shares his office, i could only do half, but it's okay.. because his desk, phone, chair, toys.. they're in the streamer forest somewhere.

just so you don't think i'm a total slacker - i did decorate and organize a few things.. so you know.. the me organizing your office does come at a certain price.

i did it all by myself.. i had waaay too much time on my hands. and i feel a tiny tinge of guilty only because my boss is going to have to catch up on 2 weeks worth of stuff, and not be able to just come in and do it. oops. i don't know if i would have did this to my old boss - he probably would have not been too happy. but my current (soon to be ex!.. yikes!) boss will enjoy this. i hope. haha.

so yea.. this is my last week at work. crazy. tomorrow's my last monday. weird.

so it's day -1 at new job. i don't officially start until the 16th - but they're going on a shoot next week and wanted to me to get lay of the land today.

it's daunting to come into a new environment. while i'm on a lot, i'm not really an employee of the lot, and that's weird to me too. it's hard not knowing where everything is already, but i'm sure i'll have a few days to poke around... maybe. hopefully i get a tour. and i heard there's a gym on the lot - maybe i'll use it. maybe.

there are pros and cons to everything. (note: these really are minor things and meant to be for your amusement only.) i'm gonna have to get used to washing my own dishes and possibly making pots of coffee myself. although the fridge is stocked way better, and i can eat pretty much anything in it without someone sending angry emails to "life" about how their food got stolen. i also got lunch provided for me today, so score 1 point for new job. i also sat through a session and took notes, which isn't the funnest, but could be educational. plus i'll get to hear sexy british accents during conference calls.

i was a little freaked out this morning, but i think that it's gonna be okay. i got my new ID badge (still awful) and a parking sticker. this will be good. and if not (but it will!), it's for 5 months. i can deal for 5 months right? or it might just be the best thing that happened to me... check me out in november :P

so last week at lunch with my daddy, i got this in my fortune cookie. (in which i totally used my method for selecting fortune cookies) and while i don't really believe in fortune cookies or horoscopes or stuff that foresee the future, sometimes i think part of me has a little hope. my dad got something that he said should be mine, but it wasn't this, so i was like "no, this is my fortune."

so.. i guess it kind of worked, cuz i have a new job. i haven't told a lot of people, but no one really reads this blog, and i already told my boss - so i'm safe to blog about it. :) i'm going to be working in the same field, sort of, but on the client side instead of the vendor side. so i think that hopefully it'll will a step towards the direction that i eventually want my career to move in to, or else i will decide that i don't like it, and be able to find that new career path.

i'm kind of excited, but i'm also kind of freaked out. it's my first "career" move. i will have been at my current company for 3 years 6 months and 1 week. that's kind of a long time, it'll be a big change. i've left working at jobs before, but never a career job - the gap, hockey scorekeeping, china inn, the temp job. but each time i was leaving for something that i had to leave for, or something that was definitely bigger and better, or something that was a "real" job. i've never had to leave a "real" job before... and it's weird. especially since i'm going to be doing what is basically considered a freelance position. i know that "change is good", but sometimes i don't like change. especially when it seems like what you're going towards is instability. i know i'll be fine, and i'm like 97% positive that this is a great thing for me. but like everything else, i'm always really cautious.

so long rambling cut short, i start my new job on the 11th. crazy.. cross your fingers for me. i'm taking a pay cut, so i might not be able to go out as much, but i should be trying to tone it down anyways. so maybe it's a blessing in disguise. that is if i don't get evicted for not being able to pay rent. hah.

save me i'm lost
oh lord i've been waiting for you
i'll pay any cost
save me from being confused
show me what i'm looking for
show me what i'm looking for

one more thing. today at lunch, we were talking about the differences between living with guys and girls. and we got into this thing where guys will punch each other and be fine. and girls hold grudges. admittedly.. i can be that girl. i try not to be, but i think consequentially, in me trying not to be that girl, i end up becoming that girl. because i don't like to talk things out, and i just like to get over them on my "own time", then end up festering and just kind of simmering.

anyways.. point of the story is that last week my dad did something to make me kind of upset. and while it was not a big eal. it was just kind of ridiculous. it made me not really want to hang out with him.. nor take him to see speed racer as i had wanted to. he didn't really seem to care that much - it's not like it was a big deal to him, but i just get kind of irritated when i had to call him today. and when i had to see him, i just get easily annoyed. this is why you don't let things fester, because they still bother you. but anyways. although my dad hasn't called me since then (this is also where i get my passive agressive non confrontational non communicative nature), he brought me a sandwich bag full of sliced apples and asian pears. then that made me feel bad. i'm still kind of annoyed, but it amazed me that somehow people can just forgive and forget so easily. and that people will tend to love you and do nice things for you, even when situations get awkward. maybe this is also where i get my "too nice" tendencies from as well. i feel like a brat, because sometimes i take things out on the who love me the most, because.. i can? i don't know. and then i get mad at them so easily because i hold them to a higher standard. how does that make sense?

please tell me it's not just me that that's screwed up. i'm pretty sure it's not just me, but i just need some affirmation.

nothing good ever happens after 2am

okay.. i'm not really getting into that much trouble. just sitting on the internet, and watching tv. althought it is 2:47am and i'm supposed to be in south central at 7am to draw out a mural, then going to work to make sure a lunch goes off as planned, and then maybe a birthday celebration or two, before i pass out and die. okay.. not die, but tomorrow might have to be a 5 shot espresso day. and dre's not going to be around to be there and partake. so i might have to abstain.

i don't know why i'm not sleeping... it's not like i got a ton of sleep in these past couple days. i mean.. not like i haven't been getting sleep, just not tons. i wake up tired, today my eyes were puffy - that wasn't fun. i think i'm allergic to my eye cream.

anyhoo.. i've been kind of antisocial lately. mostly at work, i think it's my new desk, i face a wall, i don't like to talk to people anymore, my computer is my friend... sort of, and ... people suck. haha. so to anyone i've been blowing off - mostly one or two in particular. i'm sorry. it's not you, it's me, there's just... nothing to say.

can i say something about change? right now, i'm really kind of inviting it into my life, or i'm wanting to. i want it to come, sweep me off my feet and take me away. how much i'm actually letting it in, is a different story. i'm not really a huge fan of change, unless i know the outcome. another thing i was thinking about tonight was change on behalf of someone else. it can be good, but it can also be bad. and it's weird that you let people affect your lives so much. and when you're willing to let people affect you, and when you're not. i guess it's all timing, it depends on how you feel at a certain moment, how much you're willing to take. i also wonder why you're so willing to let some people change you, but not others. or why let people change you at all? i guess that's not really my call to make, and i've probably most definitely done it a few times too. nothing drastic, most probably gradual, but hopefully almost always for the better. i still hate change.

i definitely let people affect me too much. i'm also kind of touchy sometimes, and also pretty stubborn. and have way too much pride. sometimes i think i trip over it sometimes. but in the end, that's a good thing right. sometimes i feel like i have to push myself out of my comfort zone. and then other times i think that if it's meant to be, it'll happen. is that a load of crap? it might be.

k.. i should probably try to get like 2.5 hours of sleep or something. tomorrow will be a good day... err.. today.

ps. JT... soo sexy. thank you HBO.

it's 18 minutes to quittin' time here .. and i'd really like to leave. despite the fact that i've done almost nothing all day (i actually had a few items of work to do :P) i feel a tad bit guilty about leaving before 7... even if it is just to go next door. is it sheer lazyness? i don't want to get up and walk out to my car until i absolutely have to? is the draw of the internet just that strong... i can internet at home... but it's so much more appealing to do it at my desk here. i don't know.. i don't really get it - but i figured i'll spend a little time being production in an unproductive way.

okay.. i'm fine with leaving 9 minutes early, or i just don't care. actually.. it's really that i don't want to update my blog without pictures - so i can be as unproductively productive as i'd like to be. maybe this weekend!

i'm an aunt! (again). my second nephew, brandon, was born in taiwan on april 28.. i think maybe about 3am.. but i'll have to confirm that. anyways.. maybe i'll put up some pictures when i get some.. but it was pretty exciting to get that 1am call since i can't be there.

i knew i should have quit my job and moved to taiwan :P

yay baby!

sorry no seattle post.. sometimes the more intense things that require more attention take me longer.. and i put off more.

soooo... just a few thoughts. hmm. well.. i guess just one that this is about.

did you ever see good luck chuck? where dane cook is "cursed" that the every girl he dates, she'll marry the next guy she dates. i've been feeling a little like that lately. sort of.. i mean without the actual dating part :P (does that make sense?) okay.. let me explain. the last 3 of 4 guys that i've liked are dating now. #2 and #3 are in really serious, now long term relationships. and they seem really invested and really happy. #4 might be on his way? who knows? #1.. i don't know too much about his personal life. i think he's dated a few girls, nothing super serious though. hmm. i mean. yea.. people move on, it happens, it's not a big deal. but these are also relationships that started pretty much while we were still hanging out, or while i still really liked them. i mean, yea, i know.. i don't let go of things well - but really sort of too close for comfort. i mean.. i never really actually dated any of these people, and #1 and #2 were really probably more crushes more on my part. but still. i don't know how to transition from "hanging out" to "relationship" or even "dating" really. i might be able to settle for that at first. haha.. but i guess it always seems like someone beats me to the punch, or guys move on or find something better? okay. not better.. but better for them? a lot of times i wonder if that's what they always wanted? or if it was mine to lose and i lost it because i was flippant or seemed like i was disinterested. it's seriously starting to be a pattern? really? ugh. not silent g-h. UGH.

i'm not really "upset" or crying over this (at least at the current moment). just a lot of reflection on patterns, and current events, and how they relate to the past. it's interesting. oddly, i'm the kind of person who likes to know everything.. good or bad. if someone's talking shit about, i wanna hear, i wanna know, even if so i can set things straight, or know what to change about myself so that people don't say such things. when things happen, i want to know all the backstory, your end, my end, events leading up, every single detail. i overanalyze, i think way too much, and then some. just a lot of looking into stuff, a lot of what ifs. i might not really ever know the actual truth. but i think (or at least i hope right?!) that when it's right it'll happen. i'll break out of my shell, or someone will recognize and match well with my quirkish habits. there's a lot of "wrong" tries out there, and it's not necessarily to go through all of them all the way, or you just need to recognize what's a wrong fit i guess. (is that my version of he's just not that into you?) hmm.. but it's always a little demoralizing to not get picked and you want to say "why not me?! i'm awesomer than that!" but if you know who you are, it's okay eh?

meh.

<3

i'm rockin!

What a waste of time, the thought crossed my mind

But I never missed a beat
Can’t explain the who or what I was
Trying to believe
What would you do?
What would you do?
Do you know?
I once had a grip on everything
It feels better to let go

I’m not over
I’m not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You’re not that easy to forget
I’m not over

Never took the chance, could’ve jump the fence
I was scared of my own two feet
Couldn’t cross the line, it was black and white
No contrast to be seen
What would you do?
What would you do?
Do you know?
Was it all a joke, never had control
I’m not better on my own

I’m not over
I’m not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You’re not that easy to forget
I’m not over

What a waste of time
The thought crossed my mind
Can’t explain this thing, or what I mean
I’m trying to let go

I’m not over
I’m not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You’re not that easy to forget
I’m not over

I'm Not Over ~ Carolina Liar

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say [x8]

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only ...

Say what you need to say [x8]

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say [x24]

Say ~ John Mayer

so i'm back from seattle. the packing when okay, and even though i brought my very large bag, i wore almost everything i brought with the except of one shirt, jacket and pair of shoes (went together obviously). and that's because we didn't have time for me to go home and shower and change, but i fully intended on wearing them. i also brought such a large bag because nicole told me she was checking a bag - i figured.. hey.. i'll check bag and bring everything i need.. and maybe a little more. whatever.. i'm a notorious overpacker. i'm also a packrat. what do you expect?

the seattle blog will probably have to wait a little bit. it's one of those posts that requires, thought and effort and picking what pictures i want to showcase. and then including links of all the places i went.. you know.. one of those. but i felt the need to blog, so just a quick update - although i'm really supposed to be sleeping.

seattle was fun, and it kind of made me realize that my life really needs a change. it's pretty effing dull right now. i do the same boring crap all the time, worry about stupid lame stuff that isn't worth it, and while i make a half ass attempt at changing - my apathy gets the best of me. only because i'm either too scared to make the change, too "comfortable" with where i am, or not really sure which direction i'm supposed to go. the answer really is all of the above. i really almost didn't come back from seattle - the one thing that made me come back was that angelee is coming on wednesday. maybe she will help me re-find my LA love. she's hating her city and needs to get out, apparently my trap is her escape. hahah.. is this the mid-twenties life crisis?

another thing that's been weighing on me is my relations with people. not with people i know.. well sometimes.. but also (or mostly) new people. people have said that "i make friends so easily" .. or that it seems like it's easy for me to meet people - and while it sort of is, being actual friends with them is different. i didn't think that i have walls, but maybe i do. my walls protect me from getting rejected i think. or err on the side of looking stupid, because i judge other people so harshly, i apply those same standards to myself. i really don't think that i can get away with saying or doing certain things. or maybe i'm just lazy in that aspect too. i can respond to people's efforts, but i don't really make much of my own. i do, a little, but in a lot of circumstances, i just go with the flow. this backfires when other people don't want to make an effort because they think they'll get rejected? or maybe they don't care that much either? or the think i don't want to. i didn't really start worrying about this, until i realized that it's kind of a pattern. it makes me almost feel like i'm doomed for life. or until at least i learn, which is forever from now. this weirds me out though, because i find myself doing odd things, in order to compensate for other things, or i wonder if that's it. but when i see other people doing it, i realize that it's wrong. but i still can't help myself. this is closely related to my other post about the game and my lack of knowledge for participating in it. not only "game" wise, but people wise.

i'm confused. i'm sad. i'm weird.

so.. in 8 hours or so, i'm leaving for seattle. i haven't packed. haha. instead.. i'm watching girlicious and blogging and sort of thinking about packing. i washed all my clothes today, about 4 loads or so, and put it all away.. (that's a first.. usually i let it sit all folded in baskets for a little while). heh. it's kind of throwing me off, i'm told to bring clothes for cold rainy weather. but it's gonna be like 70 degrees out tomorrow! i don't think i even know where my umbrella is. it's lost somehwere. all 3 of them. oops. i hate packing. hate hate hate it. i'm putting off everything until the last minute. i know i'm gonna run out of time tomorrow... especially since you know i'm not going to wake up early. please. i can't even wake up early for work, am i gonna wake up early to pack? i guess i have to huh? haha.

i'm excited about seattle though, because i think it'll be like a "real" mini vacation. it'll be so different, which i am really looking forward to. funny, angelee is coming down next week to get out of SF and to super LA things, and i'm her tour guide. but i just really want to get out of LA. well, maybe it's not LA, just the current situations. it's got me all bothered, and i can't necessarily focus. which sounds dumb because that's when you really need to pull together and focus, but i can't. i'm hoping for a change soon... we'll see. cross your fingers, but i definitely am not counting any eggs before they hatch. just hoping. meanwhile, seattle will be great. i'm going to eat at the top of the space needle! haha.. i haven't gotten to eat at encounter, i wonder if it will pale in comparison to the space needle once i finally do.

i know these lyrics aren't meaningful by any sort, but i'm also all about catchy. and how i can relate to "real" emotion (such as the hills...) shows like that, and songs from groups like girlicious or pussycat dolls help satisfy the stupid girly part of me that i let come out every once in awhile. publicly at least, it's kind of ALWAYS there, i beat it down a lot. lately it's been more often ... and it's kind of disturbing. but this helps me out.. i wonder when their actual singles and cd's are going to come out. hah. also, i think i'm taking these lyrics out of context.. but that's okay too.

Keep trippin'
I don't wanna keep slippin'
I don't wanna be bitchin'
I think I might as well leave you alone!

so, despite the fact that i'm pretty broke nowadays, i went shopping on sunday. it was a total accidental shopping trip, and i didn't really buy anything i "need". i went to lunch with the fam @ hometown buffet (mmm...) and my mom wanted to go to macy's to check a few things out. i did pretty well, except when we were leaving i saw a dress (the turquoise one) and thought it was way cute. and then that transitioned into a few hours of looking at dresses and clothes. sweet. so, despite the fact that i'm pretty broke nowadays, i went shopping on sunday. it was a total accidental shopping trip, and i didn't really buy anything i "need". i went to lunch with the fam @ hometown buffet (mmm...) and my mom wanted to go to macy's to check a few things out. i did pretty well, except when we were leaving i saw a dress (the turquoise one) and thought it was way cute. and then that transitioned into a few hours of looking at dresses and clothes. sweet. a few hours later i walked out of macy's with 3 dresses, a jacket, a hoodie and 2 necklaces. the lady who rung me up asked me if i was an only child (because my mom was paying for the stuff on her macy's card so we could get an extra 20% off) and if i was going to prom. haha. that's the second time that week that someone thought i was 18. don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
so, despite the fact that i'm pretty broke nowadays, i went shopping on sunday. it was a total accidental shopping trip, and i didn't really buy anything i "need". i went to lunch with the fam @ hometown buffet (mmm...) and my mom wanted to go to macy's to check a few things out. i did pretty well, except when we were leaving i saw a dress (the turquoise one) and thought it was way cute. and then that transitioned into a few hours of looking at dresses and clothes. sweet. a few hours later i walked out of macy's with 3 dresses, a jacket, a hoodie and 2 necklaces. the lady who rung me up asked me if i was an only child (because my mom was paying for the stuff on her macy's card so we could get an extra 20% off) and if i was going to prom. haha. that's the second time that week that someone thought i was 18. don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

then i went to target because there was a few things i needed. another hour or so later, i end up with some more stuff, including 2 pairs of shoes and a purse. to be fair, this purse i had been coveting for awhile, and now it was on clearance. i almost bought another purse that was new and full price, but i figured i should probably wait.

i've been slowly breaking out the new items. i have this weird rule about only wearing 1 new item at a time.. like to spread out the newness. although that only applies to things i can wear to work. i'm pretty sure if i wore any of those dresses to work, people would think i was crazy. and.. as a segue, i have NO where special to wear these dresses. i don't need them or anything, but like to have them just in case. there are 2 weddings that i think i'm invited to, but those aren't until the fall or the winter. so... if you have any special events you need a date to... call me up!

lately, people have been on the frustrating side of the scale. my patience and tolerance is limited these days, and while i never really say anything, i just kind of nod and smile and try to find the quickest way to exit the conversation. i'm not really a fighter (nor am i a lover.. so where does that leave me? har har..) only because it's usually pointless to argue with people because they don't listen, so it's a waste of time. if i'm arguing with you, feel privileged, because that means i think you're actually sensible enough to try to reason with.

on top of normal people - there's customer service people. sometimes.. they are the worst. i've been coveting these banana shoes for awhile, and during a third street stroll yesterday, i remembered that i really wanted them. and! i was hoping that they were further reduced. they didn't have them in the store on the promenade, so i came back and checked online, and they were cheaper than before! score! i called a few stores to try and find them, and had to put them on hold at two different places. i called the century city store (ironically, where i first saw them) and it was the worst customer service experience i've had in awhile. i called, and this lady put me on hold foorevvveerrr. and then this dude picks up.

me: do you have the alisha open toe rouched mid-heel sling back in smoke?
BRguy: (kind of confused) umm. okay.... do you have a style number?
me: no i'm looking at your website, and you guys don't list style numbers
BRguy: ok...
(a minute later)
BRguy: so i only have it in gold
me: it doesn't come in gold, only smoke and silver
BRguy: it's a thong sandal right?
me: no. it's an OPEN TOE shoe that has a half heel. it's kind of gathered in the front. only comes in smoke and silver.
BRguy: the elisa right? that's what i have in front of me..
me: no. the A-li-SHa - a-l-i-s-h-a
BRguy: but it's not a sandal?
me: no. it's a heel.
BRguy: i don't think we carry that in our store
me: but i've seen it in your store before
BRguy: then i don't know what you're talking about
me: umm..
BRguy: what i have here is the elisa, there's also the elizabeth and the emily, and that's all i have for the e's.
me: no. alisha. A-l-i-s-h-a
BRguy: oh... A.. yea we have that.

ohmygod. and plus - when i went there it was $79.99 in the store, and $59.99 online. lame! but i couldn't just order it online, cuz i needed to know what size. plus i want them for saturday. so i'm going to do some double buying/returning. cool.

today at lunch i was told that i seem to be a nexus of drama. that i secretly love it, and that i'm drawn to it, and i thrive on it. i don't think that's true. i mean... maybe it seems like i have more drama in my life than others - or maybe i just point it out more. i find it because things are so simple to me, and i don't understand why things are so complicated, and that's how the drama arises. maybe people bring their drama to me because i seem like i care, and i seem nice, so i become a sounding board/therapist/sanity check for people. so it's like i'm too nice right? then why does everyone at work think i'm a bitch? because i point out your flaws? because i want things done right? (and by right.. i mean my way.) haha.. oh well. i really don't try to find it, i don't. i don't even really enjoy it. not like ice cream. i enjoy that. if i could trade all my drama for ice cream, i'd be like 600 lbs. ooh. and then i could work from home like homer simpson.

okay.. enough day dreaming... back to uhhh.. work.

so i got this in my email today. i had kind of sort of forgotten that i had applied to this one late night while being fed up with my job. but i've always wanted to do something like this, and i always feel like when it comes to chinese things i should have an "in". hahah. like when i'm watching the amazing and they go to taiwan, i'm always like "man! i would rule this leg!" except i'm atrocious at directions and would totally get lost. if i ever go on it, or even try out, i'd need someone who's REALLY good at getting places where they don't know where they're going. i could do the challenges, but finding where to go.. yeaaaa.. not so much. anyways. so yea. i feel like college admission again or something. i'm waiting to hear back.. kind of nervous, cuz i really want it. how awesome would that be?! seriously.

so.. i'm on the job hunt again. it kind of slowed down a little, and i got some, well one, good prospect, but it ended up not panning out. kind of sad about it, but also kind of... okay with it. it would have been a great opportunity, but almost like starting over. which i was prepared to do, but maybe it isn't the right time to at the current moment. there was a lot of things i'd be walking away from, and while i was ready to do so, a lot of things would be hard because of it. so... in the end, maybe it wasn't "right" (see previous post.. haha.) so yea.. if you hear anything.. let me know!