Here are some random thoughts that will make up one long blog.

It's my first nephew's birthday today. Happy Birthday Jake! Yay! I wish I could be there to celebrate and bring cupcakes to his class, and all that other fun stuff, but I can't... so we sent this birthday package from LA. It was truly a family effort, which was cute, and I really do love birthdays. I don't know if I feel like I have to make a big deal of them because I always wanted my family to make a big deal of mine and maybe I felt like they didn't? Or I just think people should be able to feel special every once in awhile, but MOST definitely at least once a year.

There were some other goodies in it for Jake's mom, and some for Brandon because we didn't want him to feel too left out, although really, at this age they won't "really" remember. Or so I think. But that's how we roll. We didn't really include anything for my bro-in-law, so I feel a little bad, but I got him a cool Christmas present, so I'm okay with it.

I ran into Neighbor Crush tonight. Of course I finally run into when I'm coming home from the gym all sweaty, hair retarded, and scummy. Some dude friends (and I've read online...) say that it's okay, it's actually "hotter" because you see the girl all "natural" - but I don't believe them. Luckily my pores took a break from the sweating profusely streak, and it wasn't that bad. And I was wearing makeup - so I didn't just sit in my car until he walked in. Because that's not awkward. We chatted about sushi and running and then afterwards, I was kicking myself for saying "You're all dressed up" instead of "You look nice" or "Yes, Asakuma, it's really good, I do recommend it" instead of "Yes, Asakuma, we should go there sometime!" It really is the little change in words that makes a difference. Unfortunately for me, my brain does not think that fast. FAIL. I wish I could just say the things that pop into my head because sometimes (not that link) they are good conversation topics that could lead to other things. And I need to not just be the fun friend girl. Someone needs to step it up over here. ARGH.

For some odd reason, I'm gonna hope that it's not just coincidence that he's the neighbor I see most, and don't really see much of other neighbors - but opportunity is only going to knock on my door so many times. Aaaand I just keep wasting them. Maybe I really should sign up for eHarmony. Everything is easier online.

Speaking of eHarmony.. I got a "nudge" from a dude tonight. To quote eHarmony: "[dude] has requested that we "nudge" you because you have not responded to his latest request for communication. "Nudge"is a friendly way of saying 'I am very interested in getting to know you better, please login and start communicating with me.'" That is the most unflattering way to define "Nudge" and puts you way at the bottom of the list Mr. Needy. I mean, really, I'm being unfair having this profile and these matches without a real intention of replying just yet, and I guess it has been 8 days - but this is the internet, and it's quite possible I'm busy or just not interested. Funny enough though is that he was kind of at the bottom of a "hypothetical" list anyways. So this nudge becomes negative. Yet, if it came from Mr. Goodwill Ambassador, I bet I would be all flushed and flattered. Maybe.

AND I don't know why but I was really amused by these pens I saw at Staples. You squeeze them and the eyes pop out, I thought it was the funnest/cutest thing ever. Good thing my mom was there to stop me from buying one of each character, there were like 20 different kinds.

I am indecisive at it's BEST. This may not be a good example, but I keep going back and forth on this eHarmony.com thing. What eHarmony.com thing do you ask? Well, let me tell you.

For me, it all started out with a comment I heard during this Gap Born to Fit party where some internet friends were discussion eHarmony and one girl mentioned she met her husband there. They're huge internet people, makes sense for them to meet other people on the internet right? I didn't really think much of it. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against meeting people on the internet - I think it's just my intense fear of rejection that makes me hate it. I can be fun and quirky and great online, and for the most part, what you see is what you get. But to be totally honest, pictures you see of me online, they're all "good pictures of me" - not photoshopped or anything, but there are some really unflattering pictures that WILL NOT see the light of day. And some pictures are better than others, the ones where I'm holding my head at just the right angle, or the shadows make my legs look longer. Those are the ones I emphasize. Shut up, don't judge, you do it too.

So, not that I think that I'm a hobbit or anything, but I guess I fear that people have these images of what they want in their head, and maybe my online person doesn't match up to my real life person. I know that I'm not 100% happy with how I look, so there are definitely things that someone could be like "yea... not so much." OR the same would go for me if I met someone, and you know, I'd feel really terrible about saying.. "oh, nevermind" - I hate being mean. And it's not that I'm that vain or that superficial, but I can be. And maybe I don't want to have to admit it. But really, I think it's my crazy fear of failing.

Well that was an interesting sidenote. Okay. After that night, I didn't think much about eHarmony, a few jokes here and there, and then one day, a conversation about how 20% of people aren't matchable. Apparently it's true, a friend of a friend of a friend got an apologetic email saying that they had no matches for them at that time (sounds like an urban myth, but I'm pretty sure it's true). So, for shits and giggles, I took the test. And made everyone I know take it too. HAH. Now, we're getting matches and a few communication requests (except for D who had her account CLOSED.. HAH.. we think it was cuz of the "Your Mom" jokes... lame!) Sometimes I get really into it and read everyone profiles and other times I think that trying to find my soulmate is too much damn work. However, I can't answer anyone's communication requests because I'm not a full fledged member ie. paid member. Nor is it "free communication" weekend. You need to have another one of those eHarmony... This social experiment needs to be flushed out! Do you hear me?

I go back and forth on whether I am going to "do it" or not (totally unrelated to my previous post!) and it's a toss up. The other day I was totally adamant that I was going to delete my account because I'm not "ready" to meet my soulmate. That there are a lot of "me" things that I need to take care of first before I start trying to think of other people. And then there's part of me that thinks that it would be "interesting" to meet other people. I'm still not quite sure how I feel. It could be great alright, or it could be terrifying, or I could also end up sobbing on my couch with a carton of ice cream. I think I'm mostly in the terrifying category. Yes, I'm still 12 years old. I think that either I feel like I'm not ready, and that these other people are really vested and serious about it. Or I think that I want it to be more "natural" than that. It's nice to see that there's are "good guys" out there, and so then I'm like, I'll eventually meet one of them one day. But what if I don't, it's not like I regularly chat people up in the supermarket, and I honestly could have passed by at least one of these people in my life already. Actually one or two of these guys may even be people I used to work with (also another deathly fear of mine). So what if I let "the one" get away? I initially also didn't want to spend actual money on this, I exclaimed "it's $60!" and B says "yea, cuz you didn't just spend that the other night on alcohol?" Which is true. I spent $72 on jaegerbombs (because they didn't have carbombs)... And $32 dollars on toasted marshmallow/girlscout cookie/lambic on Monday night. I could have found a soulmate and a half by now.

So...

If only there was a way that we could all join together and see all of our matches and talk to them all for one price.

ps. how much would my parents die if I was like "hi, this is my boyfriend and I met him on the Internet"?

pps. On a TOTALLY unrelated topic - Rob Buckley is on One Tree Hill now? HILARIOUS.

Talk with myself. Talk with friends. Talk with roommate. I'm gonna do it.

Not quite sure what IT is, I have some ideas, but it's gonna happen.

Driving home on the 10

In LA, I forget how closely related regular life and the entertainment industry can be. That sounds really stupid, cuz you know... I'm freaking in it. But with that said, it's kind of just like "normal life" for me. Which also sounds stupid and spoiled... I'm sorry. Also add in the fact that I still get all star struck and nervous around celebrities, and have a hard time behaving myself. But a friend of mine works for a ex-boyband member, I've sat in rooms with major film stars and watched TV events being filmed, my sister has shared beef noodle soup with uber hotness male celebs and when some dude in a bar says "oh I f*cked [every nerd boy dream's favorite movie star]'s daughter" our friend says, "oh, you mean my sister?" And yet, while I'm still so close to it. I'm still so far away.

The other day there was a shoot of some sort going on in the parking lot behind the laundromat/market across the street. I really wanted to walk over and be like "Hey! Do you need help? I'm awesome!" but it doesn't quite work that way either. My friend tells me that I need to put myself more in positions where I am vunerable... and sure, rejection sucks, but it happens and then you move on, right? Anyways.. that's not the point of this particular blog. The point of this one is that I was having lunch with a friend of mine and she was telling me a story about meeting her neighbors. She had met all different family members, but not the actual woman who lived there. And one day she finally does and they get to talking and my friend says, yea... she's like an actress on this show.. umm.. How I Met Your Mother? To steal Andrea's words and use a phrase I'm not sure what it means but seems appropriate... OMGWTFBBQ. That is one of my all time freaking FAV.OR.ITE. shows. I really think I might just start camping out in my friend's front lawn. Like that's not creepy. Can I just hand them my resume and be like "oh hey... umm.. can you get me a job on your show?" Could the world just work like that for once? *sigh.

If I go missing, check the local jails, because I might get arrested for stalking.

Despite being tired earlier, and really wanting to get my sleeping schedule on track - I am still up at 5:30am. Yay. I'm sort of debating if I should just head to the gym now and get it over with since if I go to sleep I'll wake up afternoon sometime, be tired and usually end up skipping the gym, as it's been in the past few days. *sigh. My dad said recently that if I wasn't going to get a job, I should at least lose a few pounds because what else am I going to do with my time right? I half agreed. Thanks dad. But I think I'll not going to the gym right at this moment so I don't fall asleep on the treadmill and become the next "girl smacks face falling off treadmill" youtube sensation.

I'm not totally wasting my time when I'm up this late. The peace and quiet of the night helps a little bit in the freedom of internet searching. It starts out as a few harmless job site searches, and then gets distracted to twittering/facebooking/looking at real estate/stalking/photo'ing and who else knows. But... I have gotten a few ideas, and I think I need to have a "get ass in gear" plan for the next 3 months. Because try as I may (and I still really will!) it's proving a tad bit difficult to find a job. So I'm going to keep list on this blog, so maybe I'll feel a little more accountable towards it than the white board in my room that I constantly ignore.

Feel free to offer to help with any of these things too... that's also part of posting it up here :) And then you know, ask me about if I've done something. But in the least annoying way possible because then I might punch you in the face.

In No Particular Order:

1. Figure out how to work my Nikon DSLR - well.
2. Learn how to drive stick.
3. Work on:
    a. SOFA reel
    b. Sakura/Jimmy wedding video
    c. Olivia/Chinson wedding video
    d. Annie/Mraz Hotel Cafe video
4. Take Logging/Transcription test - for fun/depth/possible jobs
5. Apply with Creative Temp Agency
6. Start Tennis Classes or find ppl to play with (anyone??)

Bonus -
?Build a website for myself?

That's what I've got so far that I can think of. How about add "go to bed before the sun comes up"...

iSighting with the sis & kiddies.. yay for technology.

and here's another picture i am very recently much in love with.

I wish that everything had a label like this.

So.. I have a story.  And as I'm sitting here not able to sleep, I'll start to type this out.

I am fairly certain that it's going to be very hard for me to find a date and/or relationship from a bar. I don't know how people do it.  And I know that's why most advice is for you to join a group or do activities you love, so that you can meet connect with the people who have the same interests as you. But the older I get the more awkward I feel about things like that and I don't do awkward well.  

Friday night. I meet up with some friends at a bar in Hollywood. It's a trendy scene, not super flashy terrible like some other Hollywood places, so I kind or enjoy this place.  When I go to bars, I generally focus on hanging out with my friends.  I'll notice attractive people, but I rarely get hit on and even less make the first move.  I don't put myself "out there".  I avoid eye contact, most physical contact, and anything that would even remotely lead a guy to think I maybe possibly might be noticing them. I'm not quite sure how to change that. I think I want to? But I'm also not entirely sure.  Maybe because I'm scared of rejection, also probably because I think it's awkward and I avoid awkward and uncomfortable like the plague.  

At some point my roommate has this weird look on her face and is glancing behind me. I turn around to expecting to see something ridiculous that we're going to laugh about, and there's a guy like an inch away from my face.  Was so not expecting that.  Apparently he came up and was dancing behind me for a bit, which I had no clue (and wasn't even on a dance floor) so to me, when I turn around, I just have guy who is staring at me intently with his face ridiculously close to mine and not even a smile or a hi or anything.  Especially since I'm completely sober, I just smile and I'm like "uh hi" while laughing and just immediately turn around.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!  In all honesty, it's not like anything was going to really happen, but I can't even have a conversation with someone being so forward?  And the answer is, not really.  I won't make the first move and I can't talk to guys who do, so ummm .. I'm basically screwed.  (and not in the good way). Conversations have to be natural, or how about there needs to be a conversation.  Am I expecting too much?  Or maybe I need to give up this not drinking thing and then I can jut talk to anyone anytime.  

He walks away and I regret it a little bit.  Because, you know, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. But of course I don't do anything about it. I think I see him outside afterwards, and wonder what I could say to him, but it never happens.  Now I sit here thinking, "oh, it could have went down like this." Too freaking late, brain.  But I guess it comes down to that I'm not quite comfortable in my own skin.  Or I worry too much about being wrong or not doing the right thing that I just end up not doing much at all.  Life isn't a sideline sport, Jean, but there's a lot that has to happen before I dive head first into the freezing cold water.

The roommate likes to make fun of me saying that in order for a guy to show me he's interested he'd have to take off his pants.  And then I'd still be like "oh, are you hot? I can turn the A/C on.". I don't think it's QUITE that extreme, but I'm pretty sure moments like the one tonight are going to happen again. Repetitive motion until I learn right? Muscle memory?

Who has tips for me?  Flirting boot camp?     

i had been spending lots of family time with my nephews and while hanging out and playing mario galaxy, i like to observe them. their emotions are probably the simplest and truest state. they want to be loved, they want attention, they want to be the best. they can't completely comprehend why they can't have something, why they have to wait so long, or why they just can't have it their way. everything the older one is doing, the little one wants to do too. but the older one doesn't want to share or do they same thing, he wants to do his own thing. i wonder if that's how my sister and i behaved, all the time. me chasing her around, and her grabbing her things and running away from me. i know when we were older she absolutely hated it, and hated when my mother would tell her that she had to bring me places or share, like i'm telling my nephews now.

when i drive up to the house and the garage door opens and they see me, they have big smiles on their faces and run to me. it's one of the best feelings to be greeting like that. today when i was being stern in an attempt to make sure they aren't completely spoiled rotten, jake tells me that he can't wait to see his other relatives and doesn't care if he ever sees me again because they love him and are so nice to him. brat. but he's not getting what he wants, so why wouldn't he say that, right? how many times have i thought these things about people who are mean to me? on the prodding of my mom, he apologizes to me and moves on to what he wants me to do with him/for him. (already like a dude)

jake's got this really cool motorized jeep/truck thing that he loves riding around. he's pretty much the envy of the complex. he'll ride it down to the play area, park it, and play in the park. one day, some other boys (who one of them is actually kind of obnoxious), first wanted to ride on the swings, so was trying to find a way to distract him since we were swinging, and then walked over to his jeep and almost started touching it. who touches things that don't belong to you?! annoying little boys, that's who.

when jake and i walked over to the car, the obnoxious one, ran over to the swing and hopped on like he won some sort of prize. i almost knocked him off. (i get kind of protective of him vs. other kids in play areas - they're mean!) the other kid (obnoxious' friend) was still interested in the jeep and wanted to ride. jake graciously let him ride, and tried to show him how to use it, and turn it, and for being less than 4, jake has really good driving skills. this kid, who was much older, not so much. obnoxious kid called out his friends name mercilessly, only to have to walk over 2 minutes later because he knew his friend wasn't paying attention. he lost the "cool war" i tried to watch over three boys fight over getting to drive the jeep and trying to make sure they didn't wreck it and jake just stood by quietly watching.

he eventually picked up two long blades of plant and said they were his cool new toys (think imaginary nunchucks) and the older boys didn't really pay any attention to his blades of grass. clearly, they weren't as interested in playing with jake, as much as his toy, to which i told him to be wary of people who like you just for the things you have. i don't think he's gonna remember that right now, but i tried. the boys took turns riding the truck, racing around on bikes and jake went to go get his bike out. it's actually an older trike that i bought him when he was much much smaller and is one of those cute little old school red trikes, and not really meant for speed. so when another boy challenged him to a race jake on his trike vs. boy on foot and jake lost every time, he got really upset. he didn't want to play anymore, pretty much hated his trike (which made me even more sad cuz i bought him that bike!) stood off by himself, and when i came to find him, he told me to leave him alone. i felt terrible knowing that i was partially responsible. i had never really seem him so sad, because usually when he gets emotionally it's because he's tired. this was not the case. it's terrible to feel like you're left behind or not as good or to lose (everyone hates that!) but this was different than him just wanting to win. i just explained that this bike was one that i bought for him when he was little, his taiwan bike is way fast but just not here, and he could run the pants off that other little boy anyway.

after that, he bounced back, we re-joined the boys for a little bit, who were still being obnoxious and when jake went back to the house to grab his chalk, but i thought he was done playing, i made the boys put the bike away and then jake and i just ended up doodling on the sidewalk. i really think he was going to get his chalk and come share it with those kids, which i'm sure they totally would have abused. it was probably uber protective of me to just play by ourselves, but i guess i worry for jake assimilating with these kids because they're obviously rude. but did he just want to be liked? wanted to be nice? wanted to be cool? jake is great at being nice, i learned this that day too. some smaller babies in stroller dropped their stuffed animal on the ground and he didn't hesitate to pick it up for them. so i feel like because he's learned to be mostly gracious, that he could get taken advantage of. especially with rude little boys (and girls! there are some pushy ones out there!) but when i was little, i played with my neighbors, it was mostly fun, there were some not so nice moments, and i survived right? hopefully with jake and brandon it won't be any different, they're just a lot younger where i can't remember how i felt at that age and it's just something you have to learn with time. i hope it's just not that kids are meaner in 2009!

For a little while I had been craving desserts. Well really, all the time. Lately, it's been crepes. And while there are some places out there that have them, I've been spending a lot of time at home lately. Plus, I like cooking & baking, it's kind of therapeutic. There was a failed attempt at going to a dessert place on Monday night, and I had already had the craving for a bit, so I was like "Hey... I'm going to make crepes.. can't be that hard right?" I had heard a few horror stories about how it's not "that hard" but flipping them can be a b*tch and it takes lots of practice. And then I heard stories about how poaching eggs is ridiculously hard, and not that the two are related, but I was like "man... those French, they make everything difficult."

I set off on my foray to make some crepes. I googled a few recipes, and a lot of them had pictures of people rolling the crepe once it was done, so it looked like a wrap or a hand roll. Not that I had to do it, but based on principle, I didn't like those sites. haha, silly, I know. But they mostly had all the same ingredients: eggs, flour, milk - and various other small ingredients like sugar, salt, butter - and then sometime more of this, or less of that. I finally just picked one and started. The sucky part is that after you make the batter it has to chill 1 hour, so if you want to eat them at a certain time, make sure you make the batter in advance! I watched a youtube video of a guy making them, and it didn't seem tooooo difficult, and honestly, it wasn't. I think though that I made mine a little bit thicker, so maybe they were a tad easier to flip. Or maybe I'm just a good flipper, but it really wasn't that hard. I think if I could name the things I would improve on is making the crepe and little thinner, and less doughy, so less chewey? But maybe people like that. It tastes like the pancakes my dad used to make when I was little, so I think it's okay, but I guess I don't really know what a "true crepe" is supposed to taste like. I really mostly pay attention to the stuff inside. I feel like the could be a little more cakey, and then also there weren't quite as brown as the ones you buy, but they looked the same as the ones in the video, and if I cooked them too long, they'd get crispey around the edges. I really think it has to do with the batter. The one I used had more flour and less eggs - that could be the trick.

The very right picture at the top is *my very first crepe*! Nicole had the pleasure of eating it and she said it was good. I win. The last picture is my fourth crepe, I learned how to make it a little prettier by then. I didn't discover the awesomeness of nutella until very late in the game, I'd say after college. But I still really can only eat it in crepes, it seems weird on regular food like bread, although maybe I'll do some experimenting with it in baking! Oooh! Nutella and strawberries is always my go to for crepes, and sometimes I mix in bananas, but not today because I made myself a Jamba rip off of their Chunky Strawberry using Brennan's super blender. It's mostly strawberries, bananas, peanut butter, granola - and although mine was a little thinner than the version @ Jamba that you eat with a spoon, it was still tasty. I'm on a whole making yummy food kick! (next project: korean bbq potstickers! kogi don't steal my idea! or at least give me credit!) Anyhoo, I also made a butter/strawberry/maple syrup crepe for Dorina because she isn't the biggest chocolate fan (terrible! I know!) but she liked it, and liked the crepepancakes I made for breakfast this morning with the leftover batter. So yay! Success! I got to use my cute Mickey plates too. Go me.

Well... that's nice

So, I'm not necessarily the biggest fan of app on Facebook. I'm not against them, I just don't see the point, or don't have the time. I'm slightly intrigued about the latest one that's taking over, Farmville, but not really enough to actually check it out. This "friend quiz" one.. I look at, because it's always like "this person answered a question about you, find out who it is!" so I got sucked in. But it used to just tell me who was answering questions, but wouldn't tell me what questions they were answering. And once I signed up, it tells me the questions and answers, but no who. SCAM. (I also feel like all Facebook apps are a scam of sort sort.. like.. what's this whole sending birthday gifts to people but you need 10 credits?!) Anyhoo... this is the latest results of my friend quiz. Despite that the same question appears twice - all these results are positive right? I could say that people are just being polite, or that I just really am that awesome. But it is slightly useless because I have no idea who thinks I'm cute, who thinks I'm fun to be around or WHO WANTS TO MARRY ME? (come find me... now.) Obviously, the answer is everyone - but seriously - this does me NO good. I could find out who is answering these questions for FIFTY COINS PER QUESTION. I only have 5. I think you get coins by answering questions, but it's like 7 coins per 25 questions you answer - or something ridiculous like that and honestly... who has the time or patience for that? Not me. Plus I'm not quite that desperate (yet). And I think you know.. it could be like "yes, Jean would make a great spouse" not for me. Haha.. aww. (I've apparently been watching too much good wife/bad wife on More to Love.) But seriously, these are just questions on the internet. I sometimes feel like I want someone who makes an actual effort, and with Dorina's "half-men" theory, I'm just gonna be a spinster - so I might have to work on my plan... but for now, I'm not going to spend a ton of time answering silly questions about other people just to find that the people answering these questions are like my sister, my roommates and my girl friends - cuz that's how it would turn out I bet. Or I could just pretend like my secret crushes are the people who answered those. Either way it's a nice small way to warm up my ego today.

I get to tag along on Andrea's food truck mission to try all of the LA food trucks, so expect a full write up with better pictures from her. I took a few pictures with Snowball II, so I decided to post them too. On Wednesday night we got two in one hit as the Nom Nom Truck and Fishlips Sushi trucks were both at the new basecamp for trucks - The Brig in Venice. I've always loved food off trucks, and even more bacon wrapped hot dogs off carts (or sausages with sticky rice bun in Taiwan!). After the huge sensation of Kogi - the food truck business is SKYROCKETING. I read today that the restaurant Border Grill has a truck now too? And you can have a truck for everything - it's not just for mexican food anymore. Nom Nom is Vietnamese tacos and sandwiches, and Fishlips Sushi is.. well you guessed it, Sushi. Sushi off a truck? Seems kind of terrifying right? When I first heard about it, I kind of thought so too. I asked my sister if she wanted to try it, but she was turned off by the name alone (but she has a slight(MAJOR) phobia of fish). Some pictures looked okay, and I think I read that it was good - but didn't get to really try it until today. It's actually pretty good. Nothing super fancy like Asakuma or as involved as California Roll Factory, but the sushi was definitely up there, better than grocery store sushi, and not badly priced. And the Temari balls are so cute! We had their spicy tuna rolls and shrimp tempura rolls with assorted balls of sushi with ebi, yellowtail, salmon, unagi and tuna. Their menu features a ton more options, I didn't actually go up to the truck itself, so I'm not sure exactly how it works, if all the options are there each night. I might have to go back to try them all!

Nom Nom Truck was really good, and smelled SO fantastic. The food is good, but they take kind of forever to get you the food, and they ran out of Spring Rolls and Coffee VERY early on. They forgot a set of our tacos, but were really nice when we went back to get them. We did go on their opening night and they already blogged about trying to work out all the kinks. Food service is tough! Even tougher when it's mobile! But I'd definitely go back! I had the Grilled Pork Bahn Mi (Sandwich) and Lemongrass Chicken Tacos - both excellent. I am kind of sad that apparently Sam Trammell (plays Sam Merlotte) from True Blood (our most recent show obsession) was there and I didn't see him. I'm really bad at seeing celebrities, and you would think it would be so easy for me!

You should definitely try both of these if they're in your area. I wish I worked so that I could be excited when they were nearby and I have a real excuse to eat out. I just have to do it anyways. Next I want to try the Indian Food truck! And the Mos Burger likeness Marked 5!

Reboot.

jamiguel: i didnt know you had a blog
me: haha, yea.. i kind of don't keep up with it anymore. but sometimes i whine.. which is terrible
jamiguel: hhahahaha
me: it's become an emo blog as of late
jamiguel: kinda oposite of what i would do, but to each their own

after some consideration and hanging out with andrea and her blog friends, i think i'm going to make a little change. it'll probably be healthy for me. i'm gonna TRY to be a little less whiney, be a little less feeling-y and blog more about stuff. stuff that happens, stuff that i do, stuff that i want (without the emo-ness coming in). it's a sort of what i used to do, without all the this is what i had for lunch today, but more in the general way more interesting sense. kind of. i dunno. blogs in general are kind of personal, and kind of do what you want with them. but i'd kind of like to get it back to a blog that you really want to read kind of blog (was it ever one?!) i also debated switching sites and closing this one and re-opening another, but i kind of like that there is so much history here. i've had this thing since freaking 2001! my blog turned EIGHT YEARS OLD last month. oh my gosh it's like a small child. it's got a big part of me, and yes some of the links or pictures may not work anymore, but it really was me and how i was feeling or doing (or eating) at that particular moment. who and what was important to me then and i didn't just want to sever it behind and leave it forgotten and unknown. this decision may come to haunt me in the future, but hey.. that was me right? crazy and all.

so anyways.. that's that. i have a few blog ideas in the works.. i just have to convert them from "that would make a good blog entry" to "that was a good blog entry"

for now... i'll leave you with this.

i volunteered for this film festival in LA for the last week and a half. it was okay, i learned things from it, met a few people and hopefully somethings can pan out from it. i got to semi-produce/edit daily pieces of festival coverage. as much as i tried, i couldn't quite control what or how things were being taped, but i think i did an okay job on a few pieces, which hopefully shows my strength as an editor. i find myself wondering if my previous yearning of editing full time is still 100%, but the situation wasn't ideal, so it may not have been the best test for it. regardless, here are some of my favorite ones that i worked on.


this one is my was my favorite because i felt like it was the most well put together.. but then someone tinkered with it after i finished and i don't love what they did, but i think it's okay overall, i'm just not 110% about it. :/ like the guys say at the jungle cruise, if you like it, that's what i did, if you don't, it's the other guy's fault!


i worry about this one being cohesive, but i like this one because i translated the entire interview and then edited and added subtitles for all the pieces that are in spanish. yup, i'm a bad ass.


this is one of the earlier ones we did, so most noticeably the titles aren't as fancy. i didn't have the best b-roll either which contributes to some lacking of cutting to the right shots, but i didn't want the interviews to drag on either. but i like what they are saying and mostly i like it because of jordi laforge & luke wilson :P

there you go! the earlier one we turned around that night mostly.. so edited in a few hours. the later ones we took a little more time on because we would get the footage so late at night it was impossible to turn it around that night, plus we realized we didn't have to, so we allowed ourselves to wrap it up the next day.

(shameless plug: we edited these on a mobile editing bay CONFIDENCE BAY - a RV gutted and outfitted to be used as editing stations! pretty neat actually. any filmmakers/commercial producers out there should consider it for your needs! confidencebay.com)

tell me what you think!

being up this late at night has it's certain advantages. i have no one to talk to, so this automatic word vomit reaction i have, can't just come spewing out over the internets immediately. i have to write it out. write out my angry ranting emails, write out my confessions of love, write out anything i want to say outside my head. and then a lot of times, i decide not to click send. not necessarily because i don't feel it anymore. probably because what i'm saying is a rash reaction, and i don't want to sound idiotic, so it's my electronic version of counting to 10. if i'm still feeling this way in the morning, then maybe i can just tell someone face to face. and also because maybe i just don't want to put "it" out there. there's a whole lot of nonsense out there, and it doesn't necessarily need to be pushed along by a few words i candidly wrote at 3:52am.

for example. there was a whole blog that i just wrote that i'm deciding not to post because... i don't trust it to be out there.

sorry. i'm going to whine for just a second.

i'm feeling.. really... lost. sometimes i feel like everything i've done in the past 5 years is a little bit all for nothing. or that i'm trying to chuck it all down the window to go down another path, except, i can't go down this path because i'm "too experienced" OR i'm not really experienced enough in the things that i want to do now, but really.. i don't even know where to start.

i found a job that i feel like i really could do.. except i probably won't be considered for it because i don't have a few of the requirements. things i could easily (hopefully) learn, but haven't yet. do i spend $1500-$3000 trying to learn avid? or do i just give up on that dream and try to enhance my FCP skills? because once i was told that you either are an avid editor, or FCP.. but they're so similar... why not both? because it costs a boat load of money to try and learn them now.

which also makes me kick myself for not trying to learn it earlier. when i was interning at fox rox, working at dd, or even on bedtime. the interning one is the most depressing - because i didn't really have much else to do. i should have utilized the most of it. oh wait, i was busy with circle k. how dumb does that seem now? while working, i could have been that person that stayed extra late to try and learn these systems - but i didn't. i was too wrapped up in the 10-18 hour days i was already putting in... which.. doesn't sound like it was a big mistake... but i could have pushed myself.

dorina tells me i'm too hard on myself, to which i reply "well that's how i was brought up".. except i really should work on not being hard on myself when i don't do things, and being harder on myself to accomplish them in the first place. that's probably the hardest part.

i probably just mostly really need a job. badly. but unfortunately i don't want to just take any job. is that retarded? but i don't know what i want. (that's retarded). but i miss being busy. i miss having something to do (even though i have so much i could be doing... SEE.. I'M TERRIBLE.) not working gives me so much time to dwell on things i shouldn't be dwelling on. i know i'm being silly and that i should just pick myself up from this wallowing puddle i'm in and get a move on. and then there's that side of me that watched entourage where E was told to not take what you have for granted and enjoy the freedom you have, and then i'm like hmm.. is that what i should be doing?

either way, i really want to find a way, find some answers... and for right now, i'm kind of okay if they're temporary. that's how sad and desperate i am. i've given up on the forever and would settle for right now... but i still want to feel like it's "right".

next post, i promise i'll try to be more upbeat. i'll apply to this job, cross my fingers and try to get some shizz done.

oh, by the way, did i tell you i'm trying to give up drinking until november? (with the exception of 1 or 2 momentous occasions)... i'll let you know how it goes.. it's been about 5 days so far... i think it'll get easier with time.. i hope!

so i group my email by subject, so that i can collapse my threads, but still have them be all together. every once in awhile when the subject name of an email is the same, i'll come across some really old emails. tonight i found some emails when we were planning a trip down to san diego. emails like this, make me nostalgic for the past, when times seemed to be simpler. maybe that's not true, and things are just different. i wouldn't necessarily say i'd want to go back to those times, because some pretty shitty things happened back then and i went through some crappy times, but i do miss some of the things that i liked that aren't there now. finding these old emails and remembering when we sang total eclipse of the heart at the top of our lungs in longboards, and hung out in this massive living room while playing wii bowling and being spun by brennan, and the fun times and smart ass things we said to each other makes me smile.

On 4/18/07, CY wrote:
B can't join- he works weekends. I had plans to hit up some sample sales with V so I can't do Sea World. EF, everyone? when do you need to know if I'm going or not? I'd love to hang out with you all in SD, but i don't want to hold anyone up and don't feel like doing the drive hans style this weekend...oh beautiful whale's vagina, i miss you so


On 4/18/07, BM wrote:
Ok CY, this is the second time I've noticed this. It's Han style! Han Solo captained the Millenium Falcon. Hans Christian Andersen wrote "The Little Mermaid". :)


On 4/19/07, EF wrote:
DA, at this moment i think have a SLIGHT crush on your super-knowledgable, super-nerdy, super-anal fuck buddy.

heh heh. anal fuck buddy.


On 4/19/07, DA wrote:
Three... wait for it... SOME?!

speaking of san diego, i'm back from my san diego trip, and hit up almost all of my favorite places to eat. sat.is.fied. i wish there was a little more time to visit with old friends, but i'll just have to go back another time where i'm not playing babysitter. but i am thankful for my sister and her 2 kids, because when they take trips, and we get invited along to help out, it's really just like family vacations, which we did a lot of when i was younger, and then they kind of died out, aaaaand now they're back! it sometimes might seem like a pain, but i know i'll cherish those moments where we all spent time together and laughed about the 5 desserts we "ambitiously" ordered and the softball sized sorbet scoops.

wow, i'm all sorts of gratitudey tonight.

here's something else. earlier today, i had a "cute" conversation with a check out boy at trader joe's. he's not so bad on the eyes himself. i might be going to a different grocery store than normal now. often.

saw the proposal tonight. it was a okay, there were definitely funny moments, but i do think story development could have been better. i think that's so often what i feel like i scrutinize the more, whether it's believable or not that this falling in love has happened.

cuz you know... movies are just like real life.

i really really really really should be sleeping right now.. but hell i'm on "vacation" kind of. plus i had 3 cups of coffee this morning, and probably will have 3 more in about 4 hours or so.

here is my opportunity to say a few things:

this whole "i think i might need a job" thing is growing day by day. everyone is like "oh man, that seems so great" - but i'm not really sure when it'll end, and that kind of freaks me out. well, i do know when it's going to end, december, when a freelance job starts up again - but i can't have one job where i work 3 months out of the year?! i feel like i had found some good leads, but nothing has really come of anything, so maybe that makes me even a little more anxious. i get impatient, i'm sick of waiting, i want already. so maybe that's that. plus my relative who is working overseas is in town, and my parents like to dote on how great that is, and how her chinese has really improved, and she's so pretty and lost so much weight. points are not going to my self esteem. but 4 days straight with my parents might drive anyone a little batty. (but i love them dearly.)

i really like traveling. and if i ever get a job where i have to travel for work, that might be a different story, but i like hotels, a lot. i like how it's clean and comforting and so nicely set up. i hate all the bs you have to go through to check and book and deal with incompetent people and all, but just lounging in a nice space never really gets old. i also like the towels. and i have to remind myself that it's not necessary to bring shampoo/conditioner when staying at nice hotels.

i relaxed my ass off yesterday... sort of. sort of because i still had to deal with 2 children who need lots of attention/can be slightly fussy, but pretty much i forgot what day it was yesterday. i blame all the other carefree families that were relaxing as well, and then suddenly i realized it wasn't a weekend. it was a weird feeling and i think i felt like i was over-indulging or being a glutton or something.

maybe that's where this "i need to do something with my life" thing is coming in. but not so much that i'm willing to chuck it all and go sell religious related things. (yes, seriously.) although that experience may be kind of cool because i'd get to develop my spanish and possibly travel(!), but then i'd be selling religious stuff. weird.

i also feel a little guilty about not caring more about comic con and the fact that i may get to go. i never realized what a big deal it was, or how cool it could be. it's not like i'm gonna go join those twitards that are waiting in line right now for the new moon panel tomorrow (crazy....) but i wish i more amped than i am. i guess it's just cuz i don't feel like i have a purpose even if i do attend, so.. i can't be all super involved. maybe it'll come to me. hah.

alright.. enough griping and rambling.. time for uhh.. a nap.

pictures soon!

I was doing so well at keeping up with the blogging - and then it just died. I'm sorry. I think of all these things I'm "going to blog about" and it never comes to fruition. There's just so many things that come up, and of course I can't just post something until it's just right. I've been spending the last 4 days cleaning up, picking, organizing my photos from Taiwan/HK/Shanghai and after, and it's kind of taking forever. But I think I'll feel good when it's all done.

I couldn't sleep tonight, a combination of me waking up very late, and just restlessness in general. I did a little work (which is good!) and then my mind started to wander.

I found out today that a boy I used to have a crush on has gotten engaged. (in a super nice beautiful probably dream worthy romantic place too by the way! dagger. heart.) Not that I don't wish them well, and I know that it makes sense, I think it makes me feel a little bit like I'm failing at something. It's weird because I can't even fathom getting or being married right now, so where do these feelings come from? I guess a sense of general lacking in the life accomplishment area? Does that even make sense? Is it silly? Probably. The girl he's gotten engaged to is 2 years younger than me and seemingly has a really good job that she enjoys. Albeit it's a lot different than what she originally said she always wanted to do, she loves it now. She landed the job by a random chance occurrence and rose quickly through the ranks and is at a really good level. The guy: he's older, which probably attributes to the settling down earlier rather than later, but at a good place in his life and kind of always knew what he wanted to do. She's kind of "where" I'd like to be, and he's kind of "who" I'd like to be with. I feel like I'm so far away from all of that, but I want it.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey dreams of Monica being his girlfriend and sitting close on the couch and them doing crossword puzzles together after he sees Monica & Chandler doing it? That's kind of me, but without the dream part. Just a constant wonder and want. I want to be kind of settled in that comfortable I know what's going on sort of way. I want to know what I want to do and enjoy doing it, or at least working towards a goal. I'm in this weird pool where I have NO CLUE what exactly I want to do, and I'm willing to try out different things, but there's going to be a little bit of time before the trial and error process will be complete. Add on the fact that I don't know when it'd start. I know I have the rest of my life to work, but I feel like I'm getting too old to still be so clueless. I KNOW that everyone goes through it, even super successful people who had great careers and accomplishments wonder at some point what they're doing and make changes. But I need to have that one. The over achiever OCD person in me feels like I'm way behind.

I went through all the silly little crush options that are currently floating around with a friend, and we determined that basically, I have no options. None of them will materialize in any sort of relationship. At least for now, possibly ever. And there's nothing I can do about it. Well, that sucks. I realize that you don't really know until it comes. And it's probably kind of like apartment hunting, it's always the last one you look at, because once you find it, you stop looking. But really, I don't even feel like there are contenders. And much like the feeling that I won't be working until December, this scares me. A lot. In a I'm flailing kind of quickly and there's nothing to grab on to sort of way. A boy that I used to hang out with a lot has recently been talking to me again. This should make me feel better right? Maybe, but not really. Because I know it doesn't mean anything. And it's not "real" and while I might get a little flustered at certain times because he may still manage to make me feel a certain way, when I honestly think about it, it's not what I really want or the way I want it to be. I may have grown out of it a little. That part makes me feel kind of good.

I feel like sometimes I know what I want, or least want to try, but I still can't obtain it. So I'm not really sure how I'm gonna get anywhere. I guess I have to just be diligent and patient, and work on things that I enjoy, things that will help me get places, and also, work on me. I see a lot of what I don't want, and I'm thankful that in those shoes. But I see examples of things that actually work, and I see that it exists and that it's out there, so why can't I have it too? Cheesy as it may be, I'm kind of a believer that things happen for a reason, and if it's meant to be it will be. But I need the pieces to start falling into place soon... even if's its just the corner ones, or the ones that are all the same color.

(sorry if this is incoherent.. i tried to go back and edit, but not sleeping all night has taken it's toll.)

ps. i also stayed up late/woke up early to try and win entrance to the private coldplay show. i REALLY want that. give it to me now.

Okay.. so apparently everyone "knew" I was staying. I don't know how they all knew when I didn't and literally made a clutch decision and spent 2 hours beforehand agonizing over it before I kind of just ended up with this decision...

I spent all day packing and organizing my stuff. And in the past few days I've been stuffing my face, and running around town on the "what does Jean want to do in Taiwan" tour. (I'm really fortunate to have such great relatives btw.) Any weight I may have sweated off is back, and then some. So it seems kind of anticlimactic that I stay... but supposedly no one here sees it that way, or they're just being polite. There have been moments where I've been really bored or thought "if I was at home (insert friend's name here) would do this with me", and was really ready to come home. And then got to talking about trips my cousin was planning on taking in the next week or two and I was a little amiss, but still okay. My aunt was taking me to the airport, but had to stop by her work to grab a few things. In the elevator I see this poster about the Dragon Boat Festival and holidays and suddenly realize it's a bigger deal than I think. I make a few phone calls, agonize over this decision, drive to go get my already packed bags, call some more, mull over it some more, call the airline company to see what would happen if I didn't get on the plan/cancel my online check in, thought about it some more, made some more phone calls, googled for some insight, thought about it, and then 10pm rolled around and it was "about" time that if I didn't leave 5 seconds ago, then it'd be too late for my flight. Plus I figured if I really started to get homesick, I could just come home at any time really. But it was more like my reason for not staying was feeling bad about not leaving. Is that reason?

So.. I'm hoping I have fun at the Dragon Boat Festival (which.. I really think Festival is misleading in the "American" sense because I think it's mostly the races, and not like a bunch of booths or anything.. but we'll see!) and my cousin is planning a trip to Sun Moon Lake. If that doesn't happen I'll be pretty not so pleased, but I think it's pretty set, especially since I stayed. I'll have to look up other things that I want to do that don't involve stuffing my face or draining my bank account, and hopefully just have a merry time even though I'm supposed to be on a plane right now. I think this is the first time I've missed a plane in my life. What if my future husband was on that plane? Well.. I guess it's too late now. Mom, Dad - no grandkids cuz I decided to stay longer in Taiwan.

Here's an update to my list:

1. Mister Donut
2. More KFC Egg Tarts
3. Mos Burger
4. Little Shanghai Dumplings
5. Visit Grandma
6. Night of debaucheressness @ Room 18?
7. Taroko National Park (yay!)
8. Pack
9. Clean up Apt.
10. Find yellow umbrella
11. Yong Kang Jie?
12. mmm.. anything else? cut hair again? trim bangs? buy more purses?! (am I too good for fake Marc Jacobs?)
13. Sun Moon Lake
14. Dragon Boat Festival
15. Unpack