maybe now i will blog more.

things have not been going well. some better than others, but combined, not great. when things don't go well, i always tend to blame myself. i know that this is not healthy, but it's asian guilt, feeling responsible for everything, or just thinking you can fix everything, or at least should be able to.

to be honest, lately, i have not been my very best self. sometimes lazy, sometimes selfish, very often messy and uncaring to the details, and unmotivated to do things. and i wonder, is this what causes things to go wrong? because that light inside of me didn't really come through, all the things that should be good become bad.

you want to question all the things you should have done, wanted to do, didn't get to do. i try not to, because you can't change the past, so it doesn't help to dwell. i guess the only and best thing to do is learn and try to do better in the future. but i can tell you right now that it doesn't seem fair. i guess that's how you always feel when something doesn't work out in your favor either.

but there are worse things out there in the world, so overall, i am lucky.

ps. this was supposed to be a great month, my favorite month, but so far been pretty not so great. here's hoping it picks up. to aid that process, i might go watch harold and kumar, maybe that will start it off.