i feel a little guilty.

i've been gone for 5 days and my mom took this time to do everything i asked her not to do. she doesn't want "my room" to be a "mess" so she is constantly asking to do my laundry, trying to organize my stuff and create little spaces for everything. sounds like a dream right? not so much. she bought all these containers and crates to create makeshift shelves and whatnot. when i first saw that she bought them i told her that i didn't want them. i left for 5 days and my room is all containered-up. things are organized not in a way that i put them - and it bothers me a little - just because... maybe i feel like i need to do my own thing. "well then you need to move out" you say? i'm working on it. but until the meantime i have to deal with this. arrrggghhh!! plus it's like i don't want to make anything too permanent, because then it will just be a bitch to dismantle when i leave. and i don't want to deal with it.

beth says that i'm not easygoing. i say that i am - well, maybe i'm not 100% easygoing in all areas - i guess i do like my stuff just the way that i like it. i've always liked they saying "there is method to this madness" (or something like that) - because although my room or the way i do things may seem chaotic - there is always a system or method - or at least usually. my room might be messy - but i remember where things are and where i left them (most of the time) - so when i try to find it and it's been rearranged or moved by someone else - i get a little irked. maybe it's a control issue and maybe i'm a control freak. (is there such a thing as an easygoing control freak?) i also hate that i ask her to please not do this, or say no when she asks me questions and then completely disregards me and does it anyways. i almost want to say "if you're so into organizing, do it to your own stuff! i'd never say that to her face, but my dad and sometimes my mom reads this so i guess it's as good as done.

i feel guilty because i know my mom isn't doing this to spite me and isn't mal-intentioned. i know she's doing it because she loves me and she thinks that this is the best way. it might be good - but i don't want this much clutter. i get aggitated easily lately in confined spaces with her (see previous post) and i throw my attitude around - sometimes i try harder than others to keep it in check - but it usually rears its ugly head. i honestly hate when people do the complete opposite of what i say i want when it concerns me and my stuff. if it's your life, then whatever.. you can listen to me, you can not. i may be offended or peeved, but it's not my life. my stuff - i like it the way i want it, hands off. my parents don't seem to get this concept. like tonight as i was leaving to go back to my sister's, my dad says that my back car window is dirty and proceeds to wipe it with the napkin in his pocket. i have told him time and time again to not do it because it puts ugly streaks on the window, and not that i car so much about car cleanliness, but the streaks irritate me when i'm driving. i got a bit agitated and maybe made my dad feel a little bit bad. but he does this time and time again, and it bothers me to no end that he is not even listening to me. i'm okay with suggestions, but overbearingness is a different issue. but i feel bad because there are a ton of other people who wish there were so lucky. i know my parents are great, but i feel guilty because it's so easy to get mad. not to say that i'm not justified sometimes, but i come from a background where you're supposed to respect your parents no matter what... not that i don't, but respect in a sit down, shut up and take it kind of way, and that i don't do so well. i talk back and fight - and i like that about me, but i don't like that part where it makes my parents feel bad.

the trick is next time i go away - to never come back... :P