one more thing. today at lunch, we were talking about the differences between living with guys and girls. and we got into this thing where guys will punch each other and be fine. and girls hold grudges. admittedly.. i can be that girl. i try not to be, but i think consequentially, in me trying not to be that girl, i end up becoming that girl. because i don't like to talk things out, and i just like to get over them on my "own time", then end up festering and just kind of simmering.

anyways.. point of the story is that last week my dad did something to make me kind of upset. and while it was not a big eal. it was just kind of ridiculous. it made me not really want to hang out with him.. nor take him to see speed racer as i had wanted to. he didn't really seem to care that much - it's not like it was a big deal to him, but i just get kind of irritated when i had to call him today. and when i had to see him, i just get easily annoyed. this is why you don't let things fester, because they still bother you. but anyways. although my dad hasn't called me since then (this is also where i get my passive agressive non confrontational non communicative nature), he brought me a sandwich bag full of sliced apples and asian pears. then that made me feel bad. i'm still kind of annoyed, but it amazed me that somehow people can just forgive and forget so easily. and that people will tend to love you and do nice things for you, even when situations get awkward. maybe this is also where i get my "too nice" tendencies from as well. i feel like a brat, because sometimes i take things out on the who love me the most, because.. i can? i don't know. and then i get mad at them so easily because i hold them to a higher standard. how does that make sense?

please tell me it's not just me that that's screwed up. i'm pretty sure it's not just me, but i just need some affirmation.

nothing good ever happens after 2am

okay.. i'm not really getting into that much trouble. just sitting on the internet, and watching tv. althought it is 2:47am and i'm supposed to be in south central at 7am to draw out a mural, then going to work to make sure a lunch goes off as planned, and then maybe a birthday celebration or two, before i pass out and die. okay.. not die, but tomorrow might have to be a 5 shot espresso day. and dre's not going to be around to be there and partake. so i might have to abstain.

i don't know why i'm not sleeping... it's not like i got a ton of sleep in these past couple days. i mean.. not like i haven't been getting sleep, just not tons. i wake up tired, today my eyes were puffy - that wasn't fun. i think i'm allergic to my eye cream.

anyhoo.. i've been kind of antisocial lately. mostly at work, i think it's my new desk, i face a wall, i don't like to talk to people anymore, my computer is my friend... sort of, and ... people suck. haha. so to anyone i've been blowing off - mostly one or two in particular. i'm sorry. it's not you, it's me, there's just... nothing to say.

can i say something about change? right now, i'm really kind of inviting it into my life, or i'm wanting to. i want it to come, sweep me off my feet and take me away. how much i'm actually letting it in, is a different story. i'm not really a huge fan of change, unless i know the outcome. another thing i was thinking about tonight was change on behalf of someone else. it can be good, but it can also be bad. and it's weird that you let people affect your lives so much. and when you're willing to let people affect you, and when you're not. i guess it's all timing, it depends on how you feel at a certain moment, how much you're willing to take. i also wonder why you're so willing to let some people change you, but not others. or why let people change you at all? i guess that's not really my call to make, and i've probably most definitely done it a few times too. nothing drastic, most probably gradual, but hopefully almost always for the better. i still hate change.

i definitely let people affect me too much. i'm also kind of touchy sometimes, and also pretty stubborn. and have way too much pride. sometimes i think i trip over it sometimes. but in the end, that's a good thing right. sometimes i feel like i have to push myself out of my comfort zone. and then other times i think that if it's meant to be, it'll happen. is that a load of crap? it might be.

k.. i should probably try to get like 2.5 hours of sleep or something. tomorrow will be a good day... err.. today.

ps. JT... soo sexy. thank you HBO.

it's 18 minutes to quittin' time here .. and i'd really like to leave. despite the fact that i've done almost nothing all day (i actually had a few items of work to do :P) i feel a tad bit guilty about leaving before 7... even if it is just to go next door. is it sheer lazyness? i don't want to get up and walk out to my car until i absolutely have to? is the draw of the internet just that strong... i can internet at home... but it's so much more appealing to do it at my desk here. i don't know.. i don't really get it - but i figured i'll spend a little time being production in an unproductive way.

okay.. i'm fine with leaving 9 minutes early, or i just don't care. actually.. it's really that i don't want to update my blog without pictures - so i can be as unproductively productive as i'd like to be. maybe this weekend!