Here are some random thoughts that will make up one long blog.

It's my first nephew's birthday today. Happy Birthday Jake! Yay! I wish I could be there to celebrate and bring cupcakes to his class, and all that other fun stuff, but I can't... so we sent this birthday package from LA. It was truly a family effort, which was cute, and I really do love birthdays. I don't know if I feel like I have to make a big deal of them because I always wanted my family to make a big deal of mine and maybe I felt like they didn't? Or I just think people should be able to feel special every once in awhile, but MOST definitely at least once a year.

There were some other goodies in it for Jake's mom, and some for Brandon because we didn't want him to feel too left out, although really, at this age they won't "really" remember. Or so I think. But that's how we roll. We didn't really include anything for my bro-in-law, so I feel a little bad, but I got him a cool Christmas present, so I'm okay with it.

I ran into Neighbor Crush tonight. Of course I finally run into when I'm coming home from the gym all sweaty, hair retarded, and scummy. Some dude friends (and I've read online...) say that it's okay, it's actually "hotter" because you see the girl all "natural" - but I don't believe them. Luckily my pores took a break from the sweating profusely streak, and it wasn't that bad. And I was wearing makeup - so I didn't just sit in my car until he walked in. Because that's not awkward. We chatted about sushi and running and then afterwards, I was kicking myself for saying "You're all dressed up" instead of "You look nice" or "Yes, Asakuma, it's really good, I do recommend it" instead of "Yes, Asakuma, we should go there sometime!" It really is the little change in words that makes a difference. Unfortunately for me, my brain does not think that fast. FAIL. I wish I could just say the things that pop into my head because sometimes (not that link) they are good conversation topics that could lead to other things. And I need to not just be the fun friend girl. Someone needs to step it up over here. ARGH.

For some odd reason, I'm gonna hope that it's not just coincidence that he's the neighbor I see most, and don't really see much of other neighbors - but opportunity is only going to knock on my door so many times. Aaaand I just keep wasting them. Maybe I really should sign up for eHarmony. Everything is easier online.

Speaking of eHarmony.. I got a "nudge" from a dude tonight. To quote eHarmony: "[dude] has requested that we "nudge" you because you have not responded to his latest request for communication. "Nudge"is a friendly way of saying 'I am very interested in getting to know you better, please login and start communicating with me.'" That is the most unflattering way to define "Nudge" and puts you way at the bottom of the list Mr. Needy. I mean, really, I'm being unfair having this profile and these matches without a real intention of replying just yet, and I guess it has been 8 days - but this is the internet, and it's quite possible I'm busy or just not interested. Funny enough though is that he was kind of at the bottom of a "hypothetical" list anyways. So this nudge becomes negative. Yet, if it came from Mr. Goodwill Ambassador, I bet I would be all flushed and flattered. Maybe.

AND I don't know why but I was really amused by these pens I saw at Staples. You squeeze them and the eyes pop out, I thought it was the funnest/cutest thing ever. Good thing my mom was there to stop me from buying one of each character, there were like 20 different kinds.

I am indecisive at it's BEST. This may not be a good example, but I keep going back and forth on this eHarmony.com thing. What eHarmony.com thing do you ask? Well, let me tell you.

For me, it all started out with a comment I heard during this Gap Born to Fit party where some internet friends were discussion eHarmony and one girl mentioned she met her husband there. They're huge internet people, makes sense for them to meet other people on the internet right? I didn't really think much of it. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against meeting people on the internet - I think it's just my intense fear of rejection that makes me hate it. I can be fun and quirky and great online, and for the most part, what you see is what you get. But to be totally honest, pictures you see of me online, they're all "good pictures of me" - not photoshopped or anything, but there are some really unflattering pictures that WILL NOT see the light of day. And some pictures are better than others, the ones where I'm holding my head at just the right angle, or the shadows make my legs look longer. Those are the ones I emphasize. Shut up, don't judge, you do it too.

So, not that I think that I'm a hobbit or anything, but I guess I fear that people have these images of what they want in their head, and maybe my online person doesn't match up to my real life person. I know that I'm not 100% happy with how I look, so there are definitely things that someone could be like "yea... not so much." OR the same would go for me if I met someone, and you know, I'd feel really terrible about saying.. "oh, nevermind" - I hate being mean. And it's not that I'm that vain or that superficial, but I can be. And maybe I don't want to have to admit it. But really, I think it's my crazy fear of failing.

Well that was an interesting sidenote. Okay. After that night, I didn't think much about eHarmony, a few jokes here and there, and then one day, a conversation about how 20% of people aren't matchable. Apparently it's true, a friend of a friend of a friend got an apologetic email saying that they had no matches for them at that time (sounds like an urban myth, but I'm pretty sure it's true). So, for shits and giggles, I took the test. And made everyone I know take it too. HAH. Now, we're getting matches and a few communication requests (except for D who had her account CLOSED.. HAH.. we think it was cuz of the "Your Mom" jokes... lame!) Sometimes I get really into it and read everyone profiles and other times I think that trying to find my soulmate is too much damn work. However, I can't answer anyone's communication requests because I'm not a full fledged member ie. paid member. Nor is it "free communication" weekend. You need to have another one of those eHarmony... This social experiment needs to be flushed out! Do you hear me?

I go back and forth on whether I am going to "do it" or not (totally unrelated to my previous post!) and it's a toss up. The other day I was totally adamant that I was going to delete my account because I'm not "ready" to meet my soulmate. That there are a lot of "me" things that I need to take care of first before I start trying to think of other people. And then there's part of me that thinks that it would be "interesting" to meet other people. I'm still not quite sure how I feel. It could be great alright, or it could be terrifying, or I could also end up sobbing on my couch with a carton of ice cream. I think I'm mostly in the terrifying category. Yes, I'm still 12 years old. I think that either I feel like I'm not ready, and that these other people are really vested and serious about it. Or I think that I want it to be more "natural" than that. It's nice to see that there's are "good guys" out there, and so then I'm like, I'll eventually meet one of them one day. But what if I don't, it's not like I regularly chat people up in the supermarket, and I honestly could have passed by at least one of these people in my life already. Actually one or two of these guys may even be people I used to work with (also another deathly fear of mine). So what if I let "the one" get away? I initially also didn't want to spend actual money on this, I exclaimed "it's $60!" and B says "yea, cuz you didn't just spend that the other night on alcohol?" Which is true. I spent $72 on jaegerbombs (because they didn't have carbombs)... And $32 dollars on toasted marshmallow/girlscout cookie/lambic on Monday night. I could have found a soulmate and a half by now.

So...

If only there was a way that we could all join together and see all of our matches and talk to them all for one price.

ps. how much would my parents die if I was like "hi, this is my boyfriend and I met him on the Internet"?

pps. On a TOTALLY unrelated topic - Rob Buckley is on One Tree Hill now? HILARIOUS.

Talk with myself. Talk with friends. Talk with roommate. I'm gonna do it.

Not quite sure what IT is, I have some ideas, but it's gonna happen.

Driving home on the 10

In LA, I forget how closely related regular life and the entertainment industry can be. That sounds really stupid, cuz you know... I'm freaking in it. But with that said, it's kind of just like "normal life" for me. Which also sounds stupid and spoiled... I'm sorry. Also add in the fact that I still get all star struck and nervous around celebrities, and have a hard time behaving myself. But a friend of mine works for a ex-boyband member, I've sat in rooms with major film stars and watched TV events being filmed, my sister has shared beef noodle soup with uber hotness male celebs and when some dude in a bar says "oh I f*cked [every nerd boy dream's favorite movie star]'s daughter" our friend says, "oh, you mean my sister?" And yet, while I'm still so close to it. I'm still so far away.

The other day there was a shoot of some sort going on in the parking lot behind the laundromat/market across the street. I really wanted to walk over and be like "Hey! Do you need help? I'm awesome!" but it doesn't quite work that way either. My friend tells me that I need to put myself more in positions where I am vunerable... and sure, rejection sucks, but it happens and then you move on, right? Anyways.. that's not the point of this particular blog. The point of this one is that I was having lunch with a friend of mine and she was telling me a story about meeting her neighbors. She had met all different family members, but not the actual woman who lived there. And one day she finally does and they get to talking and my friend says, yea... she's like an actress on this show.. umm.. How I Met Your Mother? To steal Andrea's words and use a phrase I'm not sure what it means but seems appropriate... OMGWTFBBQ. That is one of my all time freaking FAV.OR.ITE. shows. I really think I might just start camping out in my friend's front lawn. Like that's not creepy. Can I just hand them my resume and be like "oh hey... umm.. can you get me a job on your show?" Could the world just work like that for once? *sigh.

If I go missing, check the local jails, because I might get arrested for stalking.

Despite being tired earlier, and really wanting to get my sleeping schedule on track - I am still up at 5:30am. Yay. I'm sort of debating if I should just head to the gym now and get it over with since if I go to sleep I'll wake up afternoon sometime, be tired and usually end up skipping the gym, as it's been in the past few days. *sigh. My dad said recently that if I wasn't going to get a job, I should at least lose a few pounds because what else am I going to do with my time right? I half agreed. Thanks dad. But I think I'll not going to the gym right at this moment so I don't fall asleep on the treadmill and become the next "girl smacks face falling off treadmill" youtube sensation.

I'm not totally wasting my time when I'm up this late. The peace and quiet of the night helps a little bit in the freedom of internet searching. It starts out as a few harmless job site searches, and then gets distracted to twittering/facebooking/looking at real estate/stalking/photo'ing and who else knows. But... I have gotten a few ideas, and I think I need to have a "get ass in gear" plan for the next 3 months. Because try as I may (and I still really will!) it's proving a tad bit difficult to find a job. So I'm going to keep list on this blog, so maybe I'll feel a little more accountable towards it than the white board in my room that I constantly ignore.

Feel free to offer to help with any of these things too... that's also part of posting it up here :) And then you know, ask me about if I've done something. But in the least annoying way possible because then I might punch you in the face.

In No Particular Order:

1. Figure out how to work my Nikon DSLR - well.
2. Learn how to drive stick.
3. Work on:
    a. SOFA reel
    b. Sakura/Jimmy wedding video
    c. Olivia/Chinson wedding video
    d. Annie/Mraz Hotel Cafe video
4. Take Logging/Transcription test - for fun/depth/possible jobs
5. Apply with Creative Temp Agency
6. Start Tennis Classes or find ppl to play with (anyone??)

Bonus -
?Build a website for myself?

That's what I've got so far that I can think of. How about add "go to bed before the sun comes up"...

iSighting with the sis & kiddies.. yay for technology.

and here's another picture i am very recently much in love with.

I wish that everything had a label like this.

So.. I have a story.  And as I'm sitting here not able to sleep, I'll start to type this out.

I am fairly certain that it's going to be very hard for me to find a date and/or relationship from a bar. I don't know how people do it.  And I know that's why most advice is for you to join a group or do activities you love, so that you can meet connect with the people who have the same interests as you. But the older I get the more awkward I feel about things like that and I don't do awkward well.  

Friday night. I meet up with some friends at a bar in Hollywood. It's a trendy scene, not super flashy terrible like some other Hollywood places, so I kind or enjoy this place.  When I go to bars, I generally focus on hanging out with my friends.  I'll notice attractive people, but I rarely get hit on and even less make the first move.  I don't put myself "out there".  I avoid eye contact, most physical contact, and anything that would even remotely lead a guy to think I maybe possibly might be noticing them. I'm not quite sure how to change that. I think I want to? But I'm also not entirely sure.  Maybe because I'm scared of rejection, also probably because I think it's awkward and I avoid awkward and uncomfortable like the plague.  

At some point my roommate has this weird look on her face and is glancing behind me. I turn around to expecting to see something ridiculous that we're going to laugh about, and there's a guy like an inch away from my face.  Was so not expecting that.  Apparently he came up and was dancing behind me for a bit, which I had no clue (and wasn't even on a dance floor) so to me, when I turn around, I just have guy who is staring at me intently with his face ridiculously close to mine and not even a smile or a hi or anything.  Especially since I'm completely sober, I just smile and I'm like "uh hi" while laughing and just immediately turn around.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!  In all honesty, it's not like anything was going to really happen, but I can't even have a conversation with someone being so forward?  And the answer is, not really.  I won't make the first move and I can't talk to guys who do, so ummm .. I'm basically screwed.  (and not in the good way). Conversations have to be natural, or how about there needs to be a conversation.  Am I expecting too much?  Or maybe I need to give up this not drinking thing and then I can jut talk to anyone anytime.  

He walks away and I regret it a little bit.  Because, you know, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. But of course I don't do anything about it. I think I see him outside afterwards, and wonder what I could say to him, but it never happens.  Now I sit here thinking, "oh, it could have went down like this." Too freaking late, brain.  But I guess it comes down to that I'm not quite comfortable in my own skin.  Or I worry too much about being wrong or not doing the right thing that I just end up not doing much at all.  Life isn't a sideline sport, Jean, but there's a lot that has to happen before I dive head first into the freezing cold water.

The roommate likes to make fun of me saying that in order for a guy to show me he's interested he'd have to take off his pants.  And then I'd still be like "oh, are you hot? I can turn the A/C on.". I don't think it's QUITE that extreme, but I'm pretty sure moments like the one tonight are going to happen again. Repetitive motion until I learn right? Muscle memory?

Who has tips for me?  Flirting boot camp?     

i had been spending lots of family time with my nephews and while hanging out and playing mario galaxy, i like to observe them. their emotions are probably the simplest and truest state. they want to be loved, they want attention, they want to be the best. they can't completely comprehend why they can't have something, why they have to wait so long, or why they just can't have it their way. everything the older one is doing, the little one wants to do too. but the older one doesn't want to share or do they same thing, he wants to do his own thing. i wonder if that's how my sister and i behaved, all the time. me chasing her around, and her grabbing her things and running away from me. i know when we were older she absolutely hated it, and hated when my mother would tell her that she had to bring me places or share, like i'm telling my nephews now.

when i drive up to the house and the garage door opens and they see me, they have big smiles on their faces and run to me. it's one of the best feelings to be greeting like that. today when i was being stern in an attempt to make sure they aren't completely spoiled rotten, jake tells me that he can't wait to see his other relatives and doesn't care if he ever sees me again because they love him and are so nice to him. brat. but he's not getting what he wants, so why wouldn't he say that, right? how many times have i thought these things about people who are mean to me? on the prodding of my mom, he apologizes to me and moves on to what he wants me to do with him/for him. (already like a dude)

jake's got this really cool motorized jeep/truck thing that he loves riding around. he's pretty much the envy of the complex. he'll ride it down to the play area, park it, and play in the park. one day, some other boys (who one of them is actually kind of obnoxious), first wanted to ride on the swings, so was trying to find a way to distract him since we were swinging, and then walked over to his jeep and almost started touching it. who touches things that don't belong to you?! annoying little boys, that's who.

when jake and i walked over to the car, the obnoxious one, ran over to the swing and hopped on like he won some sort of prize. i almost knocked him off. (i get kind of protective of him vs. other kids in play areas - they're mean!) the other kid (obnoxious' friend) was still interested in the jeep and wanted to ride. jake graciously let him ride, and tried to show him how to use it, and turn it, and for being less than 4, jake has really good driving skills. this kid, who was much older, not so much. obnoxious kid called out his friends name mercilessly, only to have to walk over 2 minutes later because he knew his friend wasn't paying attention. he lost the "cool war" i tried to watch over three boys fight over getting to drive the jeep and trying to make sure they didn't wreck it and jake just stood by quietly watching.

he eventually picked up two long blades of plant and said they were his cool new toys (think imaginary nunchucks) and the older boys didn't really pay any attention to his blades of grass. clearly, they weren't as interested in playing with jake, as much as his toy, to which i told him to be wary of people who like you just for the things you have. i don't think he's gonna remember that right now, but i tried. the boys took turns riding the truck, racing around on bikes and jake went to go get his bike out. it's actually an older trike that i bought him when he was much much smaller and is one of those cute little old school red trikes, and not really meant for speed. so when another boy challenged him to a race jake on his trike vs. boy on foot and jake lost every time, he got really upset. he didn't want to play anymore, pretty much hated his trike (which made me even more sad cuz i bought him that bike!) stood off by himself, and when i came to find him, he told me to leave him alone. i felt terrible knowing that i was partially responsible. i had never really seem him so sad, because usually when he gets emotionally it's because he's tired. this was not the case. it's terrible to feel like you're left behind or not as good or to lose (everyone hates that!) but this was different than him just wanting to win. i just explained that this bike was one that i bought for him when he was little, his taiwan bike is way fast but just not here, and he could run the pants off that other little boy anyway.

after that, he bounced back, we re-joined the boys for a little bit, who were still being obnoxious and when jake went back to the house to grab his chalk, but i thought he was done playing, i made the boys put the bike away and then jake and i just ended up doodling on the sidewalk. i really think he was going to get his chalk and come share it with those kids, which i'm sure they totally would have abused. it was probably uber protective of me to just play by ourselves, but i guess i worry for jake assimilating with these kids because they're obviously rude. but did he just want to be liked? wanted to be nice? wanted to be cool? jake is great at being nice, i learned this that day too. some smaller babies in stroller dropped their stuffed animal on the ground and he didn't hesitate to pick it up for them. so i feel like because he's learned to be mostly gracious, that he could get taken advantage of. especially with rude little boys (and girls! there are some pushy ones out there!) but when i was little, i played with my neighbors, it was mostly fun, there were some not so nice moments, and i survived right? hopefully with jake and brandon it won't be any different, they're just a lot younger where i can't remember how i felt at that age and it's just something you have to learn with time. i hope it's just not that kids are meaner in 2009!

For a little while I had been craving desserts. Well really, all the time. Lately, it's been crepes. And while there are some places out there that have them, I've been spending a lot of time at home lately. Plus, I like cooking & baking, it's kind of therapeutic. There was a failed attempt at going to a dessert place on Monday night, and I had already had the craving for a bit, so I was like "Hey... I'm going to make crepes.. can't be that hard right?" I had heard a few horror stories about how it's not "that hard" but flipping them can be a b*tch and it takes lots of practice. And then I heard stories about how poaching eggs is ridiculously hard, and not that the two are related, but I was like "man... those French, they make everything difficult."

I set off on my foray to make some crepes. I googled a few recipes, and a lot of them had pictures of people rolling the crepe once it was done, so it looked like a wrap or a hand roll. Not that I had to do it, but based on principle, I didn't like those sites. haha, silly, I know. But they mostly had all the same ingredients: eggs, flour, milk - and various other small ingredients like sugar, salt, butter - and then sometime more of this, or less of that. I finally just picked one and started. The sucky part is that after you make the batter it has to chill 1 hour, so if you want to eat them at a certain time, make sure you make the batter in advance! I watched a youtube video of a guy making them, and it didn't seem tooooo difficult, and honestly, it wasn't. I think though that I made mine a little bit thicker, so maybe they were a tad easier to flip. Or maybe I'm just a good flipper, but it really wasn't that hard. I think if I could name the things I would improve on is making the crepe and little thinner, and less doughy, so less chewey? But maybe people like that. It tastes like the pancakes my dad used to make when I was little, so I think it's okay, but I guess I don't really know what a "true crepe" is supposed to taste like. I really mostly pay attention to the stuff inside. I feel like the could be a little more cakey, and then also there weren't quite as brown as the ones you buy, but they looked the same as the ones in the video, and if I cooked them too long, they'd get crispey around the edges. I really think it has to do with the batter. The one I used had more flour and less eggs - that could be the trick.

The very right picture at the top is *my very first crepe*! Nicole had the pleasure of eating it and she said it was good. I win. The last picture is my fourth crepe, I learned how to make it a little prettier by then. I didn't discover the awesomeness of nutella until very late in the game, I'd say after college. But I still really can only eat it in crepes, it seems weird on regular food like bread, although maybe I'll do some experimenting with it in baking! Oooh! Nutella and strawberries is always my go to for crepes, and sometimes I mix in bananas, but not today because I made myself a Jamba rip off of their Chunky Strawberry using Brennan's super blender. It's mostly strawberries, bananas, peanut butter, granola - and although mine was a little thinner than the version @ Jamba that you eat with a spoon, it was still tasty. I'm on a whole making yummy food kick! (next project: korean bbq potstickers! kogi don't steal my idea! or at least give me credit!) Anyhoo, I also made a butter/strawberry/maple syrup crepe for Dorina because she isn't the biggest chocolate fan (terrible! I know!) but she liked it, and liked the crepepancakes I made for breakfast this morning with the leftover batter. So yay! Success! I got to use my cute Mickey plates too. Go me.