so i'm too tired to write my paper that's due in 10 hours, yet i can blog. i'm such a horrible student. hmm. so it's been awhile.. or at least i feel that way. and part because i've been crazy busy, and part because i wanted to leave that masquerade ball plug in there, hoping it would help. i don't think it has or will, so.. yeah. or maybe i'll just do another one. but i felt like i wanted to blog because i got sick of seeing the same thing up there, so i figured others probably did too. all of the two people who read this thing anyways. but also, it's been a series of short nothing blogs, just kind of saying random babbling, which is fun, but also retarded in a way. so here's a real blog. i owe my blogger some love.

yeah.. it's been wicked crazy (uh oh.. brianne's vocabulary is sneaking up on me). and i think it all started when i started working at the gap... not that it's necessarily super hard, just time consuming, and another thing added to my already pretty packed schedule. ... that's so weird.. i just went back to read my most recent real blog, which was over a month ago, and i wrote stuff about how i was so busy, and i couldn't handle it.. and that was pre-GAP days.. so wow.. why did i feel the need to add something else to my schedule? anyways... hmm.. in the past month i saw She Blonde Swede at Lestat's. It was really good. I went shopping with Ryan for Kristen's 21st bday. Had our first and following Circle K meetings where we've had up and downs in numbers of attendance, but mostly good over all. It obviously has decreased from the initial get go, but it freaks me out because I feel like people aren't coming back because they find me annoying or stupid or just plain weird, since I do most of the talking at the meetings, and I feel like people aren't going to join, or come to meetings... I don't know. But anyhoo.. another sad point is that it's mostly new members.. there are less than 5 returning members besides the board members, and all the rest are new. Which is nice in terms of recruitment, but what the heck happened to retention? I hope this just means that we're building a strong club for the future. That's what it's about eh? I missed FallFest, Jurassic 5, mxpx and Blackalicious played. All bands that I would have liked to see, but didn't have the energy to go... how sad. I've been working both at the GAP and at ICA at school, which is pretty fun, I sell people clothes they don't need, try and flirt with the cute boys and dress them up as if they were my boyfriends, and then get paid to watch athletic games (especially those boys in speedos at the swim meets.. yay), but it just leaves me with no time to myself. I usually get scheduled at 6am to do shipment, which is crappy because I'm ALWAYS late, and in danger of being fired for it. 6am I CAN'T handle.. but I try.. I should get a gold star for effort. We went to CKI South, Nicole was the chair, and it was excellent.. we beat CKI North in terms of amount of $ raised because the South rocks, as does Nicole, and although it wasn't as great because it wasn't in Torrance, it was still pretty fun. I got some good pictures of Hailes trying to push an egg with his nose in the grass, hilarious. Angelee turned 21, which means I'm getting close (22 days away!!) and I did some new things for the first time, which is an experience in itself. hmm... we're not gonna talk about that one.. my sister reads this. saw Jason Mraz at the epicentre for one of the last SD shows for awhile (that I know about anyways), and saw Annie play a show at Twiggs.. it was good times to be had by all. For Jason Mraz it was fun because Beth came down and I got to chill with her, hear her gush about Jason Mraz, and I guess I just enjoy her being starstruck because then it makes me feel less retarded for feeling the same way, well maybe not as extreme..haha just kidding Beth.

i dunno, I guess that's it... just school, work, circle k.. not in that order, but being too busy for my own good. i feel like i haven't really talked to a lot of my friends, and i don't know if that's because i haven't been available, or just due to everyone being further apart you really have to make the effort to keep in touch. but at the same time, i feel like the effort should be two sided, because i'm already self concious enough, and i don't need to be chasing after people begging for friends like the dork that i am. so i guess i've just been feeling lonely a lot lately, or alienated... but i don't know why. i should probably learn to not take things so personally because everyone is busy, but it doesn't mean they're blowing me off.. but who knows.. i definitely get a lot of weird vibes though, but those can also be self created as well. i guess i'm just not as independent of a person that i think that i am, and i need a lot of assurance and attention and affirmation... and when i don't get it, i start to doubt myself and think that there's something wrong with me. but ironically enough, when i do get it, i don't know what to do with it, and i just feel like people are being facetious, but i guess deep down inside it's those little things that you do need to hear, because although one may act like they don't believe you, it still gives them warm fuzzies. i guess lately i haven't been around enough positive human contact, and there are times when i feel like people don't value me as much as i value them, which is hard, but that's the way life is yeah? it just makes me feel like a dork though. i spend all day trying to please people, because that's my job... i don't want to have to do it just for someone to like me. dana told me once freshman year that real friendship shouldn't be so hard... and that's really true. and i say "i guess" a lot... i guess. (jk). but that's probably another sign of my insecurities, and why i'm spilling my guts out in a public forum i don't know.. but this is what i'm thinking at 4:32am on a wednesday morning... bordering on 22 hours since the time that i woke up yesterday.. although i did have a nice 1.5 hour nap today. it helped me not fall asleep in class like the so many times i have before.

lastly there's just a lot of house drama going on lately. i guess that's the result of living with an apartment full of girls, but not always... just certain ones. kimmy swears that i have the roommate curse or something because this is the fourth year that i've had roommate issues.. never the same, just always difficult. then i start to wonder.. is it me? this time... it's partly my own fault, sort of... but i was hesitant about living here in the first place. i didn't really want to live with random strangers because you never know how it's going to turn out, really good or really bad. and then they always say that living together takes tolls on people's friendships, and that's probably true too. i had issues and concerns about living here before, and taking advice from friends, relatives, and my own thinking (and lazyness), i wound up here. i still don't really know what to make of it still, but i know that it's going to be interesting the rest of the 8 months. there are times when i don't really feel at home, or super comfortable, and that just kind of sucks when you have to live there, but i guess there's not much i can do. my mom tells me that there's a whole world of people that i'm not going to get along with, so maybe this will just prepare me for it. don't get me wrong.. it's not as horrid as the crazy psycho lady from sophomore year.. i don't know if anything will ever be as bad as that... i do like my roommates, it's just awkward i guess.. and uneasy at points.. and for those of you who know me, and know what's going on, i'm sure you can gage why i feel this way... but sometimes i don't even know why i feel the way i do... so maybe not. now i'm starting to feel like pete holiday who complains about his roomies on his website.. i just hope mine don't have any redneck cousins/friends that are going to come beat my ass.

my sister sent me this online.. i think she's in hawaii right now.. but i'm not really even sure.. what a bad sister i am.. shoot.. what a bad sister she is.. isn't even sending me a postcard. but it's pretty interesting, it's this analyzation based on my name.. .:

As Jeanyah you have a great love of nature and the out-of-doors. All the finer things of life and beauties of nature are an inspiration to you and you are attracted to the mysteries of nature. Difficulty in expression results in your being too positive, blunt, and candid in speech and although you are easily offended by others, you do not show it. You crave affection and understanding, but rarely find it as others do not understand you and accuse you of being cool and aloof. The average person would never realize the true depth of your nature. A very individual, independent person, you live within your own thoughts. The insecurity you experience from limited verbal expression and social ease results in a jealous possessiveness and suffering through frustration, repressed emotion, and self-consciousness. This name would cause tension affecting the eyes, teeth, sinuses, ears or throat. There could also be a sensitivity in the heart, lungs, and respiratory organs, and frequent headaches. do your own

well i've shared far too much tonight, procrastinated enough, and i'm probably going to pay for all of this later... but anyhoo. come to masquerade ball... pretty please with a cherry on top.

COME TO MASQUERADE BALL!!!

okay.. so i've been stressing out big time.. and have been super busy up the anus with school and work and circle k. so please please please make my day and come to masquerade ball.

it's nov 2nd, 11:30pm - nov 3, 3am (saturday night/sunday morning) a 3 hour dance on a 3 deck cruise ship with a dj, karaoke and live music!! my awesome friend Annie Bethancourt is going to play. whoo hoo.. come see her. it's semiformal (yay dress up) and the theme is black and white. come come come!! tickets are $20 and you can buy them at the Price Center box office at UCSD... or rsvp to ucsdcki@hotmail.com

please come, i don't want to be the worst president in the world. :(

maybe if i was less delirious.. i would have done this earlier.

HAPPY BELATED 21st BIRTHDAY ANGELEE!!!

it's okay... she knows i remembers.. i sent her argyle socks and a *NSYNC birthday card. yeah i know you're jealous.

*ps... look at my new pix.. they're sexy. :)

philly told me i needed more pictures on my blog... and so at her request, and her pictures, i did... cuz i mean really.. who can say no to philly?

sometimes.. i really don't understand how people work, and what they think. but i guess that's what makes this world so interesting, is that there's all these different people's with all these different views. although they don't agree with mine, who am i to say who's wrong and who's right. i just kind of need to let people do their thing, and i need to find my own thing to do, and be happy with it. i dunno.. this world confuses me sometimes.

i did some bad things tonight

hahaa.. so i jinxed myself. right after i blogged about how much i was blogging.. i stopped. oh well. i shouldn't even be blogging.. but oh well. hmm.. so much has happened in the past few days. i don't even know where to start really. Saturday night.. after i got off work, sakura and kathy and i went to chili's to celebrate her birthday once again... it was good times.. good food at chili's. (i'm a total piggy). sakura came over and i watched her drink and we ran around my house while brianne sat on my computer and tried to find cute boys online. hahaha.. i drove sakura home at 3am and came back and crashed... the next day was filled with circle k and school. i had the board meeting at 2pm and then went to julia's house that night to tape stuff for my sound class. it was way fun, we kept laughing, and she had a nice nice house that sits on the beach, beautiful!! it was really funny once because her roommate came out and used the house phone to call his cell phone because he couldn't find it, and it turned out being in his pocket. came back and worked on cki stuff until 7am where i just had to go to bed, until 9:30 and then did more cki stuff, ran errands, carted around Ryan because he was sick and carless, and then more cki stuff. tuesday i worked at 6am, got lost trying to find it, went to school after working extended hours, and almost fell asleep in class, went to the library afterwards, came home did homework and crashed. today i had to work at 7am, and then go to school and do cki stuff. yuck. tonight i relaxed, watched dawson's creek. yay. tomorrow my hours got cut so i only have to work until 11am.. which is nice.. i haven't decided if i'm going to do the selfish thing and go home, or go to school for cki junk yet. *sigh. but if i go to campus i'm going to get my tri-delt top picks of ucsd calendar. haha.. yay.. hottie boys in a calendar soon to be on my wall. whoo hoo! hmm.. anyways

there has been a lot of house drama lately. i don't know quite what to think or say about the whole thing. but it's nice because it's helped me find my real friends, and my real support. and i do really love my friends that have helped me through my difficult and awkward times. and it sucks because we may not have time to talk all the time.. but when you need them, they are there. thanks guys!! you know who you are. :) other than that... drowned in cki, started work doing shipment at frikkin 6am.. it sucks. yikes.. and school, three hour lectures are not so fun all the time. but we'll see. i don't know what to say.. i'm delirious.. i need to get out of here!!

yikes.. i've been blogging a lot lately... but i think maybe it's just because school started.. and i need to procrastinate somehow... but still feel semi productive.
i just wanted to say..

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY!! to my honey Sakura. :)

did you hear that manny? MY honey... not yours.
she's mine. :P

before i forget about my semi-brush with greatness, i wanted to let the world know. so thursday night while i was driving down to la jolla to run random errands, before heading to pete's show, i was listening to 91x and they said to call for new found glory (with something coporate and finch) tickets. kimmy and i wanted to go to this concert so badly.. but i didn't have the money.. so i thought it would kick ass if i won tickets, and plus then you get to meet the band. i started calling on my cell phone (wasting all my daytime minutes of course), and whenever you call those things you never really expect anything (especially when you have to be caller 9), so i was just calling for fun. when i was in middle and high school i won a few things, like free cd's and tickets to MTV's Rock and Jock (which i was SO excited because Dean Cain was there), but anyways... so i called.. and finally it started ringing. it was kind of cool because a week or so again Vivian won some stuff off 92/1.. so my car would be the lucky car... well, for winning stuff off the radio.. not for anything else. :P so yeah.. it was ringing.. and then a guy picked up and said.. "hello, 91x.... you're caller number.... 8" and then hung up. much like the woman in the mervryn's commercial i screamed out "noooooooo" and almost crashed my car while driving on the 52. but yeah.. i was SOOOOOO close to winning those tickets i would have cherished... and i was so upset for being caller number 8. *sigh* although it is the story of my life... always the bridesmaid, never the bride. or some shit like that.

i'm so antsy right now.. and i don't even really know what to do. a harsh lesson has been learned this week.. and you know.. i don't know.. it's something that i should have learned a long time ago... but i guess it just really needs to be beat into my head... because this is the 3rd time that it's happened.. and i guess i didn't really learn my lesson until now. and who knows if i'm too nice or naive of a person to just let it slide this time. only time will tell i guess. but carrie and i were talking about people who step on other people, to get what they want, no matter the costs, and she said it was human nature.. survival of the fittest. and i say that it sucks. sure.. it's life and i can't avoid it. and i feel stupid for being an idealist where i think that people should be considerate of others.. and that's my fault i guess. pete told me once that i was a total doormat because i was so passive and never said anything to anyone that was bothering me, and today brianne reiterated the same thing. i know that this probably doesn't make any sense to anyone.. but i guess.. if you want to take anything from reading this.. please just be considerate of others. especially your friends. take their feelings into consideration, and try not to always put yourself before others. and if i'm ever too nice to other people who i shouldn't be nice to, give me a good whack in the head. thanks.

this has been such a weird/tiring/stressful week.. and it's only half over. yikes. well.. haha.. technically.. it's completely over for me..because i don't have classes thursday or friday! whoo!! wow.. how did i manage that? i don't even know.. but i know i pay for it the beginning of the week. hmm.. let's see. all fo my classes are really late, but because of circle k, i've had to go early. monday it was camptoons, tuesday and today it was korean bbq. so i get up way early.. go to school and whore myself out on library walk all day, and then go to a 3 hour class. fun huh? i swear.. i almost had a nervous breakdown in my car.. it was insane. the beginning of school is so stressful!! we're trying to organize things when things are the least organized, and trying to recruit members and convince everyone your club is better than any frat/sorority/club has to offer. with out 2.5 guys, nerdy girls, sakura, tanya and no alcohol policy. :) jk. anyways... so yeah.. it's been a busy week.. but my only comfort is that it'll all be over soon. i have just been way too stressed out trying to do too many things.. but whatevers.. i finally have my class schedule figured out... which is nice. 3 3-hour lectures that only meet once a week. it has it's up sides and down sides. i have no money though.. my rent was due on the 1st, and i haven't paid it yet, i can't afford to buy books, so i haven't been reading, and i have 3 assignments due next week, and i've figured out that i'm the purseholder of our apartment.

which brings me to another topic that i've been thinking about lately... about how i'm not really the "typical" college girl.. and how i could change, or if i want to be like that even. sometimes i feel so far behind everyone else, and so naive about things.. that sometimes i feel like i want to do things, not because i want to really do them, but just to know what everyone else is talking about, or to be able to say that i have. which is a shallow reason for everything.. i'm sure, but it makes me think, that these things that i do or do not do make me the type of person who i am.. and would i want to change that? or am i just sick of who i am and i want to "re-invent" myself. if only it was as easy as britney spears makes it seem. but at the same time.. even if i were to start trying new things... deep down inside.. i'm still that regular boring mousy girl who is uncomfortable out of her comfort zone.. so then what do i do?

yeah.... so that was a tangent that no one needs to read, but i felt like i wanted to say. i'm excited though because my sister said i'm going to get a new bed.. i'm getting a full size bed!! whoo hoo. i do feel like my current bed is a little too small for my big ass. and hopefully it'll be a little firmer so that my back doesn't groan at me anymore. but not too much that it's not enjoyable anymore. gotta find that happy medium. my sister is coming down to san diego for the asian film festival because her movie is in it. it's probably the first time in two years that i'll have seen her in san diego... even though she's not really coming to visit me. but it's kind of exciting..i want to go check out her hotel room. :) my weekend will be filled with cleaning my room, doing homework, doing circle k stuff and work. yikes.. but i do get to go out and play tomorrow night. i'm going to go see pete's band SheBlondeSwede play. haha.. even if my car breaks down.. i swear i'll be there!! and tonight i was watching dawson's creek. it was so sickingly disgusting (all the cutesy coupley dawson & joey romantic stuff), i couldn't even watch because i was going to cry. but then they ruined it with dawson having a girlfriend. but i think the absolute worst part was when he turned the whole thing around and blamed it on joey for "not knowing what she wants." how did that happen?!? geez.. i swear.. guys are such jerks. anyways.. i'll stop. i get to go to bed and not wake up until a decent hour like noon or something :) no more korean bbq!