so i'm too tired to write my paper that's due in 10 hours, yet i can blog. i'm such a horrible student. hmm. so it's been awhile.. or at least i feel that way. and part because i've been crazy busy, and part because i wanted to leave that masquerade ball plug in there, hoping it would help. i don't think it has or will, so.. yeah. or maybe i'll just do another one. but i felt like i wanted to blog because i got sick of seeing the same thing up there, so i figured others probably did too. all of the two people who read this thing anyways. but also, it's been a series of short nothing blogs, just kind of saying random babbling, which is fun, but also retarded in a way. so here's a real blog. i owe my blogger some love.

yeah.. it's been wicked crazy (uh oh.. brianne's vocabulary is sneaking up on me). and i think it all started when i started working at the gap... not that it's necessarily super hard, just time consuming, and another thing added to my already pretty packed schedule. ... that's so weird.. i just went back to read my most recent real blog, which was over a month ago, and i wrote stuff about how i was so busy, and i couldn't handle it.. and that was pre-GAP days.. so wow.. why did i feel the need to add something else to my schedule? anyways... hmm.. in the past month i saw She Blonde Swede at Lestat's. It was really good. I went shopping with Ryan for Kristen's 21st bday. Had our first and following Circle K meetings where we've had up and downs in numbers of attendance, but mostly good over all. It obviously has decreased from the initial get go, but it freaks me out because I feel like people aren't coming back because they find me annoying or stupid or just plain weird, since I do most of the talking at the meetings, and I feel like people aren't going to join, or come to meetings... I don't know. But anyhoo.. another sad point is that it's mostly new members.. there are less than 5 returning members besides the board members, and all the rest are new. Which is nice in terms of recruitment, but what the heck happened to retention? I hope this just means that we're building a strong club for the future. That's what it's about eh? I missed FallFest, Jurassic 5, mxpx and Blackalicious played. All bands that I would have liked to see, but didn't have the energy to go... how sad. I've been working both at the GAP and at ICA at school, which is pretty fun, I sell people clothes they don't need, try and flirt with the cute boys and dress them up as if they were my boyfriends, and then get paid to watch athletic games (especially those boys in speedos at the swim meets.. yay), but it just leaves me with no time to myself. I usually get scheduled at 6am to do shipment, which is crappy because I'm ALWAYS late, and in danger of being fired for it. 6am I CAN'T handle.. but I try.. I should get a gold star for effort. We went to CKI South, Nicole was the chair, and it was excellent.. we beat CKI North in terms of amount of $ raised because the South rocks, as does Nicole, and although it wasn't as great because it wasn't in Torrance, it was still pretty fun. I got some good pictures of Hailes trying to push an egg with his nose in the grass, hilarious. Angelee turned 21, which means I'm getting close (22 days away!!) and I did some new things for the first time, which is an experience in itself. hmm... we're not gonna talk about that one.. my sister reads this. saw Jason Mraz at the epicentre for one of the last SD shows for awhile (that I know about anyways), and saw Annie play a show at Twiggs.. it was good times to be had by all. For Jason Mraz it was fun because Beth came down and I got to chill with her, hear her gush about Jason Mraz, and I guess I just enjoy her being starstruck because then it makes me feel less retarded for feeling the same way, well maybe not as extreme..haha just kidding Beth.

i dunno, I guess that's it... just school, work, circle k.. not in that order, but being too busy for my own good. i feel like i haven't really talked to a lot of my friends, and i don't know if that's because i haven't been available, or just due to everyone being further apart you really have to make the effort to keep in touch. but at the same time, i feel like the effort should be two sided, because i'm already self concious enough, and i don't need to be chasing after people begging for friends like the dork that i am. so i guess i've just been feeling lonely a lot lately, or alienated... but i don't know why. i should probably learn to not take things so personally because everyone is busy, but it doesn't mean they're blowing me off.. but who knows.. i definitely get a lot of weird vibes though, but those can also be self created as well. i guess i'm just not as independent of a person that i think that i am, and i need a lot of assurance and attention and affirmation... and when i don't get it, i start to doubt myself and think that there's something wrong with me. but ironically enough, when i do get it, i don't know what to do with it, and i just feel like people are being facetious, but i guess deep down inside it's those little things that you do need to hear, because although one may act like they don't believe you, it still gives them warm fuzzies. i guess lately i haven't been around enough positive human contact, and there are times when i feel like people don't value me as much as i value them, which is hard, but that's the way life is yeah? it just makes me feel like a dork though. i spend all day trying to please people, because that's my job... i don't want to have to do it just for someone to like me. dana told me once freshman year that real friendship shouldn't be so hard... and that's really true. and i say "i guess" a lot... i guess. (jk). but that's probably another sign of my insecurities, and why i'm spilling my guts out in a public forum i don't know.. but this is what i'm thinking at 4:32am on a wednesday morning... bordering on 22 hours since the time that i woke up yesterday.. although i did have a nice 1.5 hour nap today. it helped me not fall asleep in class like the so many times i have before.

lastly there's just a lot of house drama going on lately. i guess that's the result of living with an apartment full of girls, but not always... just certain ones. kimmy swears that i have the roommate curse or something because this is the fourth year that i've had roommate issues.. never the same, just always difficult. then i start to wonder.. is it me? this time... it's partly my own fault, sort of... but i was hesitant about living here in the first place. i didn't really want to live with random strangers because you never know how it's going to turn out, really good or really bad. and then they always say that living together takes tolls on people's friendships, and that's probably true too. i had issues and concerns about living here before, and taking advice from friends, relatives, and my own thinking (and lazyness), i wound up here. i still don't really know what to make of it still, but i know that it's going to be interesting the rest of the 8 months. there are times when i don't really feel at home, or super comfortable, and that just kind of sucks when you have to live there, but i guess there's not much i can do. my mom tells me that there's a whole world of people that i'm not going to get along with, so maybe this will just prepare me for it. don't get me wrong.. it's not as horrid as the crazy psycho lady from sophomore year.. i don't know if anything will ever be as bad as that... i do like my roommates, it's just awkward i guess.. and uneasy at points.. and for those of you who know me, and know what's going on, i'm sure you can gage why i feel this way... but sometimes i don't even know why i feel the way i do... so maybe not. now i'm starting to feel like pete holiday who complains about his roomies on his website.. i just hope mine don't have any redneck cousins/friends that are going to come beat my ass.

my sister sent me this online.. i think she's in hawaii right now.. but i'm not really even sure.. what a bad sister i am.. shoot.. what a bad sister she is.. isn't even sending me a postcard. but it's pretty interesting, it's this analyzation based on my name.. .:

As Jeanyah you have a great love of nature and the out-of-doors. All the finer things of life and beauties of nature are an inspiration to you and you are attracted to the mysteries of nature. Difficulty in expression results in your being too positive, blunt, and candid in speech and although you are easily offended by others, you do not show it. You crave affection and understanding, but rarely find it as others do not understand you and accuse you of being cool and aloof. The average person would never realize the true depth of your nature. A very individual, independent person, you live within your own thoughts. The insecurity you experience from limited verbal expression and social ease results in a jealous possessiveness and suffering through frustration, repressed emotion, and self-consciousness. This name would cause tension affecting the eyes, teeth, sinuses, ears or throat. There could also be a sensitivity in the heart, lungs, and respiratory organs, and frequent headaches. do your own

well i've shared far too much tonight, procrastinated enough, and i'm probably going to pay for all of this later... but anyhoo. come to masquerade ball... pretty please with a cherry on top.