i've stayed up until right now to catch up on grey's anatomy. for one reason or another i haven't watched a whole lot of tv lately and i have a couple weeks of episodes to catch up on. i guess i decided tonight was the night i wanted to do it. well.. round 1 at least. now i'm debating whether i should even go to sleep or if i should just get some other stuff done. i don't know why i am feeling so restless and i know i will be absolutely useless at work tomorrow - but i guess that's not much of a change from how i have been lately. the best term that i can use to describe me lately (and i'm sorry if this offends anyone) but is "checked out" i've checked out of work, checked out of caring about keeping up with stuff, i wait until the absolute possible last minute where i have to do stuff to do it - but then it's only because i have to, not because i have any desire. i don't know what my deal is. i have almost no interest in anything. i have my moments - moments where things are shiny and happy - but it just seems odd that i come back here - when i seem to have so much going for me. am i just being melodramatic? or have i spent all the other times just pretending?

i ran into an old roommate at the grocery store today. she was ... not at all excited or interested in talking to me. that makes me a little sad. was whatever i did to her so horrible that she couldn't even feign interest. but i guess she was never that kind of person. you won't mesh well with everyone, but i do like to try.. because i am dumb like that. there's this guy on myspace who we used to be friends, not best friends, but acquaintances. why won't he be my friend on myspace? why do people say they'd like to meet up, but when you actually try to make it happen they dissapear? and why are people so afraid to make friends - or maybe it's just me? i don't know why this bothers me so much but it does.

maybe i am scared of this new roommate situation. do i have time to back out? not without making a whole lot of people mad. i think i'm just a little less enthused because there was a place that i loved and we lost it. we lost it for stupid reasons. reasons that i know make sense, but i think i'm still greiving. there's another place that we'll get if we want it - but it's not the same, it's not as nice, and i think maybe i feel a little let down - but i can't do anything about it. i have to be a team player and do what's best for the team, but it sucks because i feel like the team let me down. and then i feel bad for saying that.

i was talking to this girl about coupledom today and she said that she wanted to make sure she had everything in place before she ever chose to couple up because she needed to make up herself. it's smart, and i'm not coupled for different reasons, but we talked a lot about how you don't need to be coupled. but there are times like tonight, when no one else seems to have time for you - that you wish you had someone that you could make make time for you. but truth be told, being coupled up doesn't mean that anyways.

i've been looking into taking editing classes @ ucla extension. i think my boss would let me leave early one day a week. but then i wonder if i want to blow that much money on something that i may not even want to do long term. i don't know what i want to do. is that odd? i feel like i should have it all figured out... or at least have some answers. i have none.

i know this funk is just the extreme and temporary and probably brought on by my massive sleep deprivation. i probably don't even make sense. but i want to matter. not just be a cog.

funny story - first time i saw the vet on grey's anatomy i was like "holy crap he is hot".. after watching 4 or 5 hours i realized that mcVet is chris o'donnell. i totally didn't recognize him in the first episode he appeared in. funny how i still think he is hot. i would totally pick mcVet, but i guess you can't help who you like.