i'm an aunt! (again). my second nephew, brandon, was born in taiwan on april 28.. i think maybe about 3am.. but i'll have to confirm that. anyways.. maybe i'll put up some pictures when i get some.. but it was pretty exciting to get that 1am call since i can't be there.

i knew i should have quit my job and moved to taiwan :P

yay baby!

sorry no seattle post.. sometimes the more intense things that require more attention take me longer.. and i put off more.

soooo... just a few thoughts. hmm. well.. i guess just one that this is about.

did you ever see good luck chuck? where dane cook is "cursed" that the every girl he dates, she'll marry the next guy she dates. i've been feeling a little like that lately. sort of.. i mean without the actual dating part :P (does that make sense?) okay.. let me explain. the last 3 of 4 guys that i've liked are dating now. #2 and #3 are in really serious, now long term relationships. and they seem really invested and really happy. #4 might be on his way? who knows? #1.. i don't know too much about his personal life. i think he's dated a few girls, nothing super serious though. hmm. i mean. yea.. people move on, it happens, it's not a big deal. but these are also relationships that started pretty much while we were still hanging out, or while i still really liked them. i mean, yea, i know.. i don't let go of things well - but really sort of too close for comfort. i mean.. i never really actually dated any of these people, and #1 and #2 were really probably more crushes more on my part. but still. i don't know how to transition from "hanging out" to "relationship" or even "dating" really. i might be able to settle for that at first. haha.. but i guess it always seems like someone beats me to the punch, or guys move on or find something better? okay. not better.. but better for them? a lot of times i wonder if that's what they always wanted? or if it was mine to lose and i lost it because i was flippant or seemed like i was disinterested. it's seriously starting to be a pattern? really? ugh. not silent g-h. UGH.

i'm not really "upset" or crying over this (at least at the current moment). just a lot of reflection on patterns, and current events, and how they relate to the past. it's interesting. oddly, i'm the kind of person who likes to know everything.. good or bad. if someone's talking shit about, i wanna hear, i wanna know, even if so i can set things straight, or know what to change about myself so that people don't say such things. when things happen, i want to know all the backstory, your end, my end, events leading up, every single detail. i overanalyze, i think way too much, and then some. just a lot of looking into stuff, a lot of what ifs. i might not really ever know the actual truth. but i think (or at least i hope right?!) that when it's right it'll happen. i'll break out of my shell, or someone will recognize and match well with my quirkish habits. there's a lot of "wrong" tries out there, and it's not necessarily to go through all of them all the way, or you just need to recognize what's a wrong fit i guess. (is that my version of he's just not that into you?) hmm.. but it's always a little demoralizing to not get picked and you want to say "why not me?! i'm awesomer than that!" but if you know who you are, it's okay eh?

meh.

<3

i'm rockin!

What a waste of time, the thought crossed my mind

But I never missed a beat
Can’t explain the who or what I was
Trying to believe
What would you do?
What would you do?
Do you know?
I once had a grip on everything
It feels better to let go

I’m not over
I’m not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You’re not that easy to forget
I’m not over

Never took the chance, could’ve jump the fence
I was scared of my own two feet
Couldn’t cross the line, it was black and white
No contrast to be seen
What would you do?
What would you do?
Do you know?
Was it all a joke, never had control
I’m not better on my own

I’m not over
I’m not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You’re not that easy to forget
I’m not over

What a waste of time
The thought crossed my mind
Can’t explain this thing, or what I mean
I’m trying to let go

I’m not over
I’m not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You’re not that easy to forget
I’m not over

I'm Not Over ~ Carolina Liar

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say [x8]

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only ...

Say what you need to say [x8]

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say [x24]

Say ~ John Mayer

so i'm back from seattle. the packing when okay, and even though i brought my very large bag, i wore almost everything i brought with the except of one shirt, jacket and pair of shoes (went together obviously). and that's because we didn't have time for me to go home and shower and change, but i fully intended on wearing them. i also brought such a large bag because nicole told me she was checking a bag - i figured.. hey.. i'll check bag and bring everything i need.. and maybe a little more. whatever.. i'm a notorious overpacker. i'm also a packrat. what do you expect?

the seattle blog will probably have to wait a little bit. it's one of those posts that requires, thought and effort and picking what pictures i want to showcase. and then including links of all the places i went.. you know.. one of those. but i felt the need to blog, so just a quick update - although i'm really supposed to be sleeping.

seattle was fun, and it kind of made me realize that my life really needs a change. it's pretty effing dull right now. i do the same boring crap all the time, worry about stupid lame stuff that isn't worth it, and while i make a half ass attempt at changing - my apathy gets the best of me. only because i'm either too scared to make the change, too "comfortable" with where i am, or not really sure which direction i'm supposed to go. the answer really is all of the above. i really almost didn't come back from seattle - the one thing that made me come back was that angelee is coming on wednesday. maybe she will help me re-find my LA love. she's hating her city and needs to get out, apparently my trap is her escape. hahah.. is this the mid-twenties life crisis?

another thing that's been weighing on me is my relations with people. not with people i know.. well sometimes.. but also (or mostly) new people. people have said that "i make friends so easily" .. or that it seems like it's easy for me to meet people - and while it sort of is, being actual friends with them is different. i didn't think that i have walls, but maybe i do. my walls protect me from getting rejected i think. or err on the side of looking stupid, because i judge other people so harshly, i apply those same standards to myself. i really don't think that i can get away with saying or doing certain things. or maybe i'm just lazy in that aspect too. i can respond to people's efforts, but i don't really make much of my own. i do, a little, but in a lot of circumstances, i just go with the flow. this backfires when other people don't want to make an effort because they think they'll get rejected? or maybe they don't care that much either? or the think i don't want to. i didn't really start worrying about this, until i realized that it's kind of a pattern. it makes me almost feel like i'm doomed for life. or until at least i learn, which is forever from now. this weirds me out though, because i find myself doing odd things, in order to compensate for other things, or i wonder if that's it. but when i see other people doing it, i realize that it's wrong. but i still can't help myself. this is closely related to my other post about the game and my lack of knowledge for participating in it. not only "game" wise, but people wise.

i'm confused. i'm sad. i'm weird.

so.. in 8 hours or so, i'm leaving for seattle. i haven't packed. haha. instead.. i'm watching girlicious and blogging and sort of thinking about packing. i washed all my clothes today, about 4 loads or so, and put it all away.. (that's a first.. usually i let it sit all folded in baskets for a little while). heh. it's kind of throwing me off, i'm told to bring clothes for cold rainy weather. but it's gonna be like 70 degrees out tomorrow! i don't think i even know where my umbrella is. it's lost somehwere. all 3 of them. oops. i hate packing. hate hate hate it. i'm putting off everything until the last minute. i know i'm gonna run out of time tomorrow... especially since you know i'm not going to wake up early. please. i can't even wake up early for work, am i gonna wake up early to pack? i guess i have to huh? haha.

i'm excited about seattle though, because i think it'll be like a "real" mini vacation. it'll be so different, which i am really looking forward to. funny, angelee is coming down next week to get out of SF and to super LA things, and i'm her tour guide. but i just really want to get out of LA. well, maybe it's not LA, just the current situations. it's got me all bothered, and i can't necessarily focus. which sounds dumb because that's when you really need to pull together and focus, but i can't. i'm hoping for a change soon... we'll see. cross your fingers, but i definitely am not counting any eggs before they hatch. just hoping. meanwhile, seattle will be great. i'm going to eat at the top of the space needle! haha.. i haven't gotten to eat at encounter, i wonder if it will pale in comparison to the space needle once i finally do.

i know these lyrics aren't meaningful by any sort, but i'm also all about catchy. and how i can relate to "real" emotion (such as the hills...) shows like that, and songs from groups like girlicious or pussycat dolls help satisfy the stupid girly part of me that i let come out every once in awhile. publicly at least, it's kind of ALWAYS there, i beat it down a lot. lately it's been more often ... and it's kind of disturbing. but this helps me out.. i wonder when their actual singles and cd's are going to come out. hah. also, i think i'm taking these lyrics out of context.. but that's okay too.

Keep trippin'
I don't wanna keep slippin'
I don't wanna be bitchin'
I think I might as well leave you alone!

so, despite the fact that i'm pretty broke nowadays, i went shopping on sunday. it was a total accidental shopping trip, and i didn't really buy anything i "need". i went to lunch with the fam @ hometown buffet (mmm...) and my mom wanted to go to macy's to check a few things out. i did pretty well, except when we were leaving i saw a dress (the turquoise one) and thought it was way cute. and then that transitioned into a few hours of looking at dresses and clothes. sweet. so, despite the fact that i'm pretty broke nowadays, i went shopping on sunday. it was a total accidental shopping trip, and i didn't really buy anything i "need". i went to lunch with the fam @ hometown buffet (mmm...) and my mom wanted to go to macy's to check a few things out. i did pretty well, except when we were leaving i saw a dress (the turquoise one) and thought it was way cute. and then that transitioned into a few hours of looking at dresses and clothes. sweet. a few hours later i walked out of macy's with 3 dresses, a jacket, a hoodie and 2 necklaces. the lady who rung me up asked me if i was an only child (because my mom was paying for the stuff on her macy's card so we could get an extra 20% off) and if i was going to prom. haha. that's the second time that week that someone thought i was 18. don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
so, despite the fact that i'm pretty broke nowadays, i went shopping on sunday. it was a total accidental shopping trip, and i didn't really buy anything i "need". i went to lunch with the fam @ hometown buffet (mmm...) and my mom wanted to go to macy's to check a few things out. i did pretty well, except when we were leaving i saw a dress (the turquoise one) and thought it was way cute. and then that transitioned into a few hours of looking at dresses and clothes. sweet. a few hours later i walked out of macy's with 3 dresses, a jacket, a hoodie and 2 necklaces. the lady who rung me up asked me if i was an only child (because my mom was paying for the stuff on her macy's card so we could get an extra 20% off) and if i was going to prom. haha. that's the second time that week that someone thought i was 18. don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

then i went to target because there was a few things i needed. another hour or so later, i end up with some more stuff, including 2 pairs of shoes and a purse. to be fair, this purse i had been coveting for awhile, and now it was on clearance. i almost bought another purse that was new and full price, but i figured i should probably wait.

i've been slowly breaking out the new items. i have this weird rule about only wearing 1 new item at a time.. like to spread out the newness. although that only applies to things i can wear to work. i'm pretty sure if i wore any of those dresses to work, people would think i was crazy. and.. as a segue, i have NO where special to wear these dresses. i don't need them or anything, but like to have them just in case. there are 2 weddings that i think i'm invited to, but those aren't until the fall or the winter. so... if you have any special events you need a date to... call me up!

lately, people have been on the frustrating side of the scale. my patience and tolerance is limited these days, and while i never really say anything, i just kind of nod and smile and try to find the quickest way to exit the conversation. i'm not really a fighter (nor am i a lover.. so where does that leave me? har har..) only because it's usually pointless to argue with people because they don't listen, so it's a waste of time. if i'm arguing with you, feel privileged, because that means i think you're actually sensible enough to try to reason with.

on top of normal people - there's customer service people. sometimes.. they are the worst. i've been coveting these banana shoes for awhile, and during a third street stroll yesterday, i remembered that i really wanted them. and! i was hoping that they were further reduced. they didn't have them in the store on the promenade, so i came back and checked online, and they were cheaper than before! score! i called a few stores to try and find them, and had to put them on hold at two different places. i called the century city store (ironically, where i first saw them) and it was the worst customer service experience i've had in awhile. i called, and this lady put me on hold foorevvveerrr. and then this dude picks up.

me: do you have the alisha open toe rouched mid-heel sling back in smoke?
BRguy: (kind of confused) umm. okay.... do you have a style number?
me: no i'm looking at your website, and you guys don't list style numbers
BRguy: ok...
(a minute later)
BRguy: so i only have it in gold
me: it doesn't come in gold, only smoke and silver
BRguy: it's a thong sandal right?
me: no. it's an OPEN TOE shoe that has a half heel. it's kind of gathered in the front. only comes in smoke and silver.
BRguy: the elisa right? that's what i have in front of me..
me: no. the A-li-SHa - a-l-i-s-h-a
BRguy: but it's not a sandal?
me: no. it's a heel.
BRguy: i don't think we carry that in our store
me: but i've seen it in your store before
BRguy: then i don't know what you're talking about
me: umm..
BRguy: what i have here is the elisa, there's also the elizabeth and the emily, and that's all i have for the e's.
me: no. alisha. A-l-i-s-h-a
BRguy: oh... A.. yea we have that.

ohmygod. and plus - when i went there it was $79.99 in the store, and $59.99 online. lame! but i couldn't just order it online, cuz i needed to know what size. plus i want them for saturday. so i'm going to do some double buying/returning. cool.

today at lunch i was told that i seem to be a nexus of drama. that i secretly love it, and that i'm drawn to it, and i thrive on it. i don't think that's true. i mean... maybe it seems like i have more drama in my life than others - or maybe i just point it out more. i find it because things are so simple to me, and i don't understand why things are so complicated, and that's how the drama arises. maybe people bring their drama to me because i seem like i care, and i seem nice, so i become a sounding board/therapist/sanity check for people. so it's like i'm too nice right? then why does everyone at work think i'm a bitch? because i point out your flaws? because i want things done right? (and by right.. i mean my way.) haha.. oh well. i really don't try to find it, i don't. i don't even really enjoy it. not like ice cream. i enjoy that. if i could trade all my drama for ice cream, i'd be like 600 lbs. ooh. and then i could work from home like homer simpson.

okay.. enough day dreaming... back to uhhh.. work.

so i got this in my email today. i had kind of sort of forgotten that i had applied to this one late night while being fed up with my job. but i've always wanted to do something like this, and i always feel like when it comes to chinese things i should have an "in". hahah. like when i'm watching the amazing and they go to taiwan, i'm always like "man! i would rule this leg!" except i'm atrocious at directions and would totally get lost. if i ever go on it, or even try out, i'd need someone who's REALLY good at getting places where they don't know where they're going. i could do the challenges, but finding where to go.. yeaaaa.. not so much. anyways. so yea. i feel like college admission again or something. i'm waiting to hear back.. kind of nervous, cuz i really want it. how awesome would that be?! seriously.

so.. i'm on the job hunt again. it kind of slowed down a little, and i got some, well one, good prospect, but it ended up not panning out. kind of sad about it, but also kind of... okay with it. it would have been a great opportunity, but almost like starting over. which i was prepared to do, but maybe it isn't the right time to at the current moment. there was a lot of things i'd be walking away from, and while i was ready to do so, a lot of things would be hard because of it. so... in the end, maybe it wasn't "right" (see previous post.. haha.) so yea.. if you hear anything.. let me know!