so i'm back from seattle. the packing when okay, and even though i brought my very large bag, i wore almost everything i brought with the except of one shirt, jacket and pair of shoes (went together obviously). and that's because we didn't have time for me to go home and shower and change, but i fully intended on wearing them. i also brought such a large bag because nicole told me she was checking a bag - i figured.. hey.. i'll check bag and bring everything i need.. and maybe a little more. whatever.. i'm a notorious overpacker. i'm also a packrat. what do you expect?

the seattle blog will probably have to wait a little bit. it's one of those posts that requires, thought and effort and picking what pictures i want to showcase. and then including links of all the places i went.. you know.. one of those. but i felt the need to blog, so just a quick update - although i'm really supposed to be sleeping.

seattle was fun, and it kind of made me realize that my life really needs a change. it's pretty effing dull right now. i do the same boring crap all the time, worry about stupid lame stuff that isn't worth it, and while i make a half ass attempt at changing - my apathy gets the best of me. only because i'm either too scared to make the change, too "comfortable" with where i am, or not really sure which direction i'm supposed to go. the answer really is all of the above. i really almost didn't come back from seattle - the one thing that made me come back was that angelee is coming on wednesday. maybe she will help me re-find my LA love. she's hating her city and needs to get out, apparently my trap is her escape. hahah.. is this the mid-twenties life crisis?

another thing that's been weighing on me is my relations with people. not with people i know.. well sometimes.. but also (or mostly) new people. people have said that "i make friends so easily" .. or that it seems like it's easy for me to meet people - and while it sort of is, being actual friends with them is different. i didn't think that i have walls, but maybe i do. my walls protect me from getting rejected i think. or err on the side of looking stupid, because i judge other people so harshly, i apply those same standards to myself. i really don't think that i can get away with saying or doing certain things. or maybe i'm just lazy in that aspect too. i can respond to people's efforts, but i don't really make much of my own. i do, a little, but in a lot of circumstances, i just go with the flow. this backfires when other people don't want to make an effort because they think they'll get rejected? or maybe they don't care that much either? or the think i don't want to. i didn't really start worrying about this, until i realized that it's kind of a pattern. it makes me almost feel like i'm doomed for life. or until at least i learn, which is forever from now. this weirds me out though, because i find myself doing odd things, in order to compensate for other things, or i wonder if that's it. but when i see other people doing it, i realize that it's wrong. but i still can't help myself. this is closely related to my other post about the game and my lack of knowledge for participating in it. not only "game" wise, but people wise.

i'm confused. i'm sad. i'm weird.