i'm really kind of sad right now. you want to know how many times i've had to re-organize the board at work? too many. like at least 4, which doesn't sound like a lot, but considering the amount of work that it takes to reorganize this board, it makes me sad. 1 of those times, i had to buy nicole and andrea dinner to have them come help me and it took the 3 of us 3 hours to get it done. that's 9 hours people. and then i organized it in a way that would make sense. make it easy. organized it by sequence (which it kind of like by vendor) and then by date so it was clear what was being done, and not a lot of reorganizing would have to be done in order to to keep it updated. everytime i do something, someone wants it done a different way. people who have no idea what it takes to keep it updated, or care. because it's not their problem. it's mine. and if that was my only problem, i would be less whiney. but it's not. sure. i could be reorganizing the board instead of blogging, but that's not going to me less sad, so here i am blogging. first i had it organized by sequence and by date. then someone stupid dumbass bright idea thinks it's better to do it by date first, then sequence. that's dandy, thanks. i had to updated and move it all around since the weeks have gone by. now i get to reorganize it so it's by vendor (pseudo sequence) and by reel. when i make a grumpy face because it's more hours spent doing mindless shit, my boss hands me a piece of paper saying, it's not hard, it's all on the paper, it's all right here. thanks. i know it's not hard. i'm not an idiot. i know how to follow a piece of paper, and i know exactly what you mean. it just sucks. that's what the face is about. and it's not just about the work, but the fact that they just think that this is my job. sure ... it is. but when i suggested bringing someone in to help out with "stuff"... this is the kind of stuff i meant. you want me to organize shot review, and keep people on track, review your change orders, submit weekly status reports, make sure people are on track, and do your shot board. and then you say things like "i don't need snacks" - but when it comes down to it and you want coffee, or lunch, because, yea.. you need to eat. who's gets to do that. me. you joke around and say things like "oh.. we should send the PA for a coffee run... oh wait" in an attempt to be funny, but it's also a subtle hint that you want coffee, and want me to go get it. i really want to say that i'm done with that shit. but i can't, because i care too much. i care that all the little shit is done right, that the big shit i have to do gets pushed to the side because it requires more time, and then someone does it before me. someone else says they're gonna order pizza. on more than two occasions you've said you were going to do it, and it never happened, because you got "busy" and there was no dinner. that's probably my fault too. i'm sad because i get pigeon holed into this category where my responsibilities are all the minute shit that isn't important to you - but yet when it comes down to it, i have to be responsible for the big stuff, i just never get any credit for it.

i think i'm going to take that other job, only because it's a change of pace. i think i'll be able to get away from the "admin" side of needing to take care of your crap and be responsible for my projects. maybe i'm too sensitive, or too paranoid, but it slightly makes me want to cry that i'm constantly feeling more under valued. when i was little, i would express this to my mom, and she's like, i'm not going to sugar coat things, and be all sweety and lovey dovey. and it's weird because when people are that way to me, i get really uncomfortable. but when i don't get it, i need it. yes, need. it's a fine line on the amount and the method though.

am i being paranoid and just looking for someone to blame when i think the other girl is sabotaging stuff to edge me out? is that just the business and i should accept it? i've been given a wrap date, and other girls i've heard is later than mine. i'd like to just leave a bunch of stuff for her to do, and then people can see how much i took care of, but then it will default into one of those things like "poor her, jean just left without doing all this stuff and other girl is the hero for getting it done" that's how people are. i don't get it. i need lessons on how to make myself look like a martyr without it looking like that's what i'm doing. or at least how to too my own horn without it being all .. look at me. i also need to learn how to respond in a manner that's not so "duh." it's weird because i feel like people ask me stupid questions, and so i respond with stupid answers. things that make sense to me, people might not get. so when they're asking questions, i need to be less argumentative and more agreeable. this part is hard, because i think too much, am over-opinionated and kind of outspoken. when i'm confirming or agreeing with people, i need to make it seem less like i'm shooting them down. that doesn't even sound like it makes sense, wtf. i need to find a way for people to take me seriously, and not just think i'm being naive or frivolous or young. i need my opinion to matter. yes, i'm an ego maniac, an attention whore, and a greedy jerk. that's basically what this entire post was about.