sorry. i'm going to whine for just a second.

i'm feeling.. really... lost. sometimes i feel like everything i've done in the past 5 years is a little bit all for nothing. or that i'm trying to chuck it all down the window to go down another path, except, i can't go down this path because i'm "too experienced" OR i'm not really experienced enough in the things that i want to do now, but really.. i don't even know where to start.

i found a job that i feel like i really could do.. except i probably won't be considered for it because i don't have a few of the requirements. things i could easily (hopefully) learn, but haven't yet. do i spend $1500-$3000 trying to learn avid? or do i just give up on that dream and try to enhance my FCP skills? because once i was told that you either are an avid editor, or FCP.. but they're so similar... why not both? because it costs a boat load of money to try and learn them now.

which also makes me kick myself for not trying to learn it earlier. when i was interning at fox rox, working at dd, or even on bedtime. the interning one is the most depressing - because i didn't really have much else to do. i should have utilized the most of it. oh wait, i was busy with circle k. how dumb does that seem now? while working, i could have been that person that stayed extra late to try and learn these systems - but i didn't. i was too wrapped up in the 10-18 hour days i was already putting in... which.. doesn't sound like it was a big mistake... but i could have pushed myself.

dorina tells me i'm too hard on myself, to which i reply "well that's how i was brought up".. except i really should work on not being hard on myself when i don't do things, and being harder on myself to accomplish them in the first place. that's probably the hardest part.

i probably just mostly really need a job. badly. but unfortunately i don't want to just take any job. is that retarded? but i don't know what i want. (that's retarded). but i miss being busy. i miss having something to do (even though i have so much i could be doing... SEE.. I'M TERRIBLE.) not working gives me so much time to dwell on things i shouldn't be dwelling on. i know i'm being silly and that i should just pick myself up from this wallowing puddle i'm in and get a move on. and then there's that side of me that watched entourage where E was told to not take what you have for granted and enjoy the freedom you have, and then i'm like hmm.. is that what i should be doing?

either way, i really want to find a way, find some answers... and for right now, i'm kind of okay if they're temporary. that's how sad and desperate i am. i've given up on the forever and would settle for right now... but i still want to feel like it's "right".

next post, i promise i'll try to be more upbeat. i'll apply to this job, cross my fingers and try to get some shizz done.

oh, by the way, did i tell you i'm trying to give up drinking until november? (with the exception of 1 or 2 momentous occasions)... i'll let you know how it goes.. it's been about 5 days so far... i think it'll get easier with time.. i hope!