So.. I have a story.  And as I'm sitting here not able to sleep, I'll start to type this out.

I am fairly certain that it's going to be very hard for me to find a date and/or relationship from a bar. I don't know how people do it.  And I know that's why most advice is for you to join a group or do activities you love, so that you can meet connect with the people who have the same interests as you. But the older I get the more awkward I feel about things like that and I don't do awkward well.  

Friday night. I meet up with some friends at a bar in Hollywood. It's a trendy scene, not super flashy terrible like some other Hollywood places, so I kind or enjoy this place.  When I go to bars, I generally focus on hanging out with my friends.  I'll notice attractive people, but I rarely get hit on and even less make the first move.  I don't put myself "out there".  I avoid eye contact, most physical contact, and anything that would even remotely lead a guy to think I maybe possibly might be noticing them. I'm not quite sure how to change that. I think I want to? But I'm also not entirely sure.  Maybe because I'm scared of rejection, also probably because I think it's awkward and I avoid awkward and uncomfortable like the plague.  

At some point my roommate has this weird look on her face and is glancing behind me. I turn around to expecting to see something ridiculous that we're going to laugh about, and there's a guy like an inch away from my face.  Was so not expecting that.  Apparently he came up and was dancing behind me for a bit, which I had no clue (and wasn't even on a dance floor) so to me, when I turn around, I just have guy who is staring at me intently with his face ridiculously close to mine and not even a smile or a hi or anything.  Especially since I'm completely sober, I just smile and I'm like "uh hi" while laughing and just immediately turn around.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!  In all honesty, it's not like anything was going to really happen, but I can't even have a conversation with someone being so forward?  And the answer is, not really.  I won't make the first move and I can't talk to guys who do, so ummm .. I'm basically screwed.  (and not in the good way). Conversations have to be natural, or how about there needs to be a conversation.  Am I expecting too much?  Or maybe I need to give up this not drinking thing and then I can jut talk to anyone anytime.  

He walks away and I regret it a little bit.  Because, you know, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. But of course I don't do anything about it. I think I see him outside afterwards, and wonder what I could say to him, but it never happens.  Now I sit here thinking, "oh, it could have went down like this." Too freaking late, brain.  But I guess it comes down to that I'm not quite comfortable in my own skin.  Or I worry too much about being wrong or not doing the right thing that I just end up not doing much at all.  Life isn't a sideline sport, Jean, but there's a lot that has to happen before I dive head first into the freezing cold water.

The roommate likes to make fun of me saying that in order for a guy to show me he's interested he'd have to take off his pants.  And then I'd still be like "oh, are you hot? I can turn the A/C on.". I don't think it's QUITE that extreme, but I'm pretty sure moments like the one tonight are going to happen again. Repetitive motion until I learn right? Muscle memory?

Who has tips for me?  Flirting boot camp?