things have not been going well. some better than others, but combined, not great. when things don't go well, i always tend to blame myself. i know that this is not healthy, but it's asian guilt, feeling responsible for everything, or just thinking you can fix everything, or at least should be able to.
to be honest, lately, i have not been my very best self. sometimes lazy, sometimes selfish, very often messy and uncaring to the details, and unmotivated to do things. and i wonder, is this what causes things to go wrong? because that light inside of me didn't really come through, all the things that should be good become bad.
you want to question all the things you should have done, wanted to do, didn't get to do. i try not to, because you can't change the past, so it doesn't help to dwell. i guess the only and best thing to do is learn and try to do better in the future. but i can tell you right now that it doesn't seem fair. i guess that's how you always feel when something doesn't work out in your favor either.
but there are worse things out there in the world, so overall, i am lucky.
ps. this was supposed to be a great month, my favorite month, but so far been pretty not so great. here's hoping it picks up. to aid that process, i might go watch harold and kumar, maybe that will start it off.
Monday, November 07, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
i am bad at social networking
i was going to title this one "i am terrible at social networking" - but the previous post (from 2 months ago) is "i am terrible" and i didn't want to be that self defeating.
a few weeks ago (i just realized this) was my blog's 10th anniversary. what? i have had this blog for 10 years? that seems crazy. probably mostly because i stopped blogging a long time ago. i think myspace was the beginning of the demise of me blogging. there was a blog on that site and i would blog here, blog there, and would get confused on where i should post stuff. and then with all the social networks EVERYONE was on the internets, and i think i stopped wanting to share so much of my life and started to just post pictures. but i've gone through so many sites, and more and more, there are even more places to whore yourself on the internet: facebook, twitter, tumblr, blogspot, pinterest, google+, spotify, linkedin, instagram... seriously - who can keep up with all this? yet, I can't quite let it go. you always want the new thing, and to be part of it so you don't miss out. and then you expect people to know about your life because you posted it on the internet! but you have some friends here, and some friends there, and some friends not anywhere - and it's just all too exhausting.
ADDITIONALLY - i feel like it's now just become a place to be the most interesting, or have the coolest thing, or write about news so that people will follow you. my social networking isn't really about my opinions on popular subjects, or showcasing trendy things, but just about myself - and while you may care (hi the 3 people who read this blog, which includes my dad i've recently learned as he quoted my blog to me), the majority of the internets (aka strangers) don't. and not that i really care because am i really going to ever be an internet superstar (no.) but it might be a boring subject matter for those who do care and know you IRL (see.. i can get this internet lingo down - although i just had to google "smh" - when did that one happen??) mostly because the lack of response. people probably care, but if they don't tell you, how are you supposed to know? comments, "likes", re-posts.. it's all a form of self validation, and yes, everyone needs it. even you, you're lying to yourself if you say you don't. yes, you want to express yourself, and you're doing it for yourself, but you also want people to appreciate what you're putting out there. and i go back and forth about what to put out there, when, and when i do, how much i care about that reciprocation.
however, with that said, it seems like a crapshoot. i think i may be too far gone at this point to make a comeback on the internets. so i just ramble on, maybe make a little bit more of a concerted effort and just post for me, care a little less about if you read it, liked it or not, and maybe one day i'll figure it all out. until then, i congratulate those of you who can get through my wordy ramblings and still love me (and let me know it!)
xxoo.
a few weeks ago (i just realized this) was my blog's 10th anniversary. what? i have had this blog for 10 years? that seems crazy. probably mostly because i stopped blogging a long time ago. i think myspace was the beginning of the demise of me blogging. there was a blog on that site and i would blog here, blog there, and would get confused on where i should post stuff. and then with all the social networks EVERYONE was on the internets, and i think i stopped wanting to share so much of my life and started to just post pictures. but i've gone through so many sites, and more and more, there are even more places to whore yourself on the internet: facebook, twitter, tumblr, blogspot, pinterest, google+, spotify, linkedin, instagram... seriously - who can keep up with all this? yet, I can't quite let it go. you always want the new thing, and to be part of it so you don't miss out. and then you expect people to know about your life because you posted it on the internet! but you have some friends here, and some friends there, and some friends not anywhere - and it's just all too exhausting.
ADDITIONALLY - i feel like it's now just become a place to be the most interesting, or have the coolest thing, or write about news so that people will follow you. my social networking isn't really about my opinions on popular subjects, or showcasing trendy things, but just about myself - and while you may care (hi the 3 people who read this blog, which includes my dad i've recently learned as he quoted my blog to me), the majority of the internets (aka strangers) don't. and not that i really care because am i really going to ever be an internet superstar (no.) but it might be a boring subject matter for those who do care and know you IRL (see.. i can get this internet lingo down - although i just had to google "smh" - when did that one happen??) mostly because the lack of response. people probably care, but if they don't tell you, how are you supposed to know? comments, "likes", re-posts.. it's all a form of self validation, and yes, everyone needs it. even you, you're lying to yourself if you say you don't. yes, you want to express yourself, and you're doing it for yourself, but you also want people to appreciate what you're putting out there. and i go back and forth about what to put out there, when, and when i do, how much i care about that reciprocation.
however, with that said, it seems like a crapshoot. i think i may be too far gone at this point to make a comeback on the internets. so i just ramble on, maybe make a little bit more of a concerted effort and just post for me, care a little less about if you read it, liked it or not, and maybe one day i'll figure it all out. until then, i congratulate those of you who can get through my wordy ramblings and still love me (and let me know it!)
xxoo.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
i am terrible
Holy moly it has been a long long time since I've blogged. I think I have quite a few entries that start off saying this. I haven't been so great at blogging or social media in general (this is slightly ironic considering my past) but oh wells. There are no rules. This is for me. I think of a lot of things to "blog" and "say" but they never really come to fruition. So I'm going to try to be better about that - so that I can keep a record or what I used to think this month of this year. It's kind of nice to be able to look back and read back on who you used to be.
So here are things that have been happening in these months of this new year.
I came back from Taiwan and was immediately thrust into working on another film project. It was a good experience though, the usual normal crazy person hours, some moments of hatefulness, some moments of laughter, and I met some really good people. I sort of hope there is a part two this experience. In the meantime, I'm still searching for that something that I want to do. Next. For now.
Recently, and really, let's be honest here, for the past few years, I've had this fitness thing in mind. Mostly to lose weight, and feel better about myself and my self image. And also to be healthy, because that comes along with it right? I've been wanting to do a "30 by 30" and lose 30 pounds by my 30th birthday. But as the weeks dwindle away, it seems a little less likely. HOWEVER. Inspired by a few friends and their fitness habits, and more time off I think should really take this fitness thing into high gear. Also that there are family events and weddings at the end of the summer and you want to look good when you're around lots of opinionated and not afraid to tell you Asian relatives. (My latest Skype chat with my father, he told me my face was fat and I needed to slim down. Thanks, dad.) So I'm wondering how good I can be about the not eating fatty foods (I baked 3 dozen cookies tonight), and making sure I exercise regularly and push myself. But why not? What's stopping me. Don't be lazy, Jean! This picture is pretty awe-inspiring, 2 months huh? That seems like a pretty good change. But I also need to do a lot more work than slimming down and toning, but a loss first overall. But I feel good, and that I can do it. One distraction is leaving my life, while 4 new ones are coming in, but it's all about working it out right? I have my spinning Living Social deal to use up, and maybe I will actually do this Bar Method thing. Give it a shot - can't hurt right? (Actually, it did hurt, my first Bar Method class left me sore for days.) Fitness Summer! Who's in?
4 distractions coming in - My sister and her THREE kids! hehe... My life is going to get a bit busier, but I'm excited for it. I say this now before the yelling/screaming/whining/fighting/pooping starts. But I love the little rugrats, so I'm excited to take them to the beach (be sure to use sunblock this time!), Disneyland, aquariums, or just to the park. Yayers. And take tons of adorable pix. Maybe I will renew that FlickrPro account, although I barely used it at all when I had it. Oops. I do struggle with the fact that I am easing up on the work search to spend some QT with the family, because of that sense of purpose or responsibility that I feel like I need, but I've also missed out on so many moments because I've been so busy working.
On an ending note. Things are good. Some things are frustrating, some things that make me sad, lots of things that make me happy, and there are a lot of things that I need to figure out. But I'm working on it. I hope this will be good. I know this will be good. Smileyface.
So here are things that have been happening in these months of this new year.
I came back from Taiwan and was immediately thrust into working on another film project. It was a good experience though, the usual normal crazy person hours, some moments of hatefulness, some moments of laughter, and I met some really good people. I sort of hope there is a part two this experience. In the meantime, I'm still searching for that something that I want to do. Next. For now.
Recently, and really, let's be honest here, for the past few years, I've had this fitness thing in mind. Mostly to lose weight, and feel better about myself and my self image. And also to be healthy, because that comes along with it right? I've been wanting to do a "30 by 30" and lose 30 pounds by my 30th birthday. But as the weeks dwindle away, it seems a little less likely. HOWEVER. Inspired by a few friends and their fitness habits, and more time off I think should really take this fitness thing into high gear. Also that there are family events and weddings at the end of the summer and you want to look good when you're around lots of opinionated and not afraid to tell you Asian relatives. (My latest Skype chat with my father, he told me my face was fat and I needed to slim down. Thanks, dad.) So I'm wondering how good I can be about the not eating fatty foods (I baked 3 dozen cookies tonight), and making sure I exercise regularly and push myself. But why not? What's stopping me. Don't be lazy, Jean! This picture is pretty awe-inspiring, 2 months huh? That seems like a pretty good change. But I also need to do a lot more work than slimming down and toning, but a loss first overall. But I feel good, and that I can do it. One distraction is leaving my life, while 4 new ones are coming in, but it's all about working it out right? I have my spinning Living Social deal to use up, and maybe I will actually do this Bar Method thing. Give it a shot - can't hurt right? (Actually, it did hurt, my first Bar Method class left me sore for days.) Fitness Summer! Who's in?
4 distractions coming in - My sister and her THREE kids! hehe... My life is going to get a bit busier, but I'm excited for it. I say this now before the yelling/screaming/whining/fighting/pooping starts. But I love the little rugrats, so I'm excited to take them to the beach (be sure to use sunblock this time!), Disneyland, aquariums, or just to the park. Yayers. And take tons of adorable pix. Maybe I will renew that FlickrPro account, although I barely used it at all when I had it. Oops. I do struggle with the fact that I am easing up on the work search to spend some QT with the family, because of that sense of purpose or responsibility that I feel like I need, but I've also missed out on so many moments because I've been so busy working.
On an ending note. Things are good. Some things are frustrating, some things that make me sad, lots of things that make me happy, and there are a lot of things that I need to figure out. But I'm working on it. I hope this will be good. I know this will be good. Smileyface.
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
SIDEBAR
saturday night, i went to a taiwanese club with a friend originally from LA who has been living here for over 2 years now. one thing he mentioned (besides how much of an awesome time he is having) is that "taiwan is GREAT for guys". that girls are more receptive, a little more forward, and don't expect as much. you hook up with a girl, and they don't expect you to date them/call them/do anything later - and then you see them out again at the club next week and everything is peachy keen. she might even go home with your friend that week, and this is all A-OK. the attitude is different and things are freer. i don't know if the last few sentences are actually true - but he mostly meant that girls are more responsive/receptive/appreciative(?) to male attention than in LA. (which.. could just be a snotty LA/girl feel like they need to act a certain way thing) however, i did notice girls being a lot more happy go lucky with the attention giving - which almost mad me dislike the girls more because i felt like they felt like they needed to do that in order for the guys to like them. but that's my american attitude coming in, and hence why "taiwan is great for guys". but maybe it's not such a terrible thing because they're just "having fun". maybe there should be a more carefree who-gives-a-fuck jean, but i don't know where that's going to come from just yet.
additionally - i went to a book expo. i was strollering my sister's kid, so all the vendors tried to chase after me to sucker me into buying stuff. having kids = bait for sales people. since apparently i just speak and they know i'm foreign, taiwanese people are not shy about letting you know they know you're not taiwanese (aka your chinese sucks/is different), and ask where you live. this one guy started asking me about what i do, if i was working, what i did with my kids. and then when i told him i didn't have kids, he asked if i was married or had a boyfriend. and i said no, and then he said something i didn't understand, and then i got a phone call and walked away. i'm not sure if it was him flirting, or him trying to sucker me into some sales pitch. however, it was a fail on both. for me and for him. yup... I AM AWKWARD.
ps. going to the book expo again today - maybe i'll see my man!
additionally - i went to a book expo. i was strollering my sister's kid, so all the vendors tried to chase after me to sucker me into buying stuff. having kids = bait for sales people. since apparently i just speak and they know i'm foreign, taiwanese people are not shy about letting you know they know you're not taiwanese (aka your chinese sucks/is different), and ask where you live. this one guy started asking me about what i do, if i was working, what i did with my kids. and then when i told him i didn't have kids, he asked if i was married or had a boyfriend. and i said no, and then he said something i didn't understand, and then i got a phone call and walked away. i'm not sure if it was him flirting, or him trying to sucker me into some sales pitch. however, it was a fail on both. for me and for him. yup... I AM AWKWARD.
ps. going to the book expo again today - maybe i'll see my man!
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Oops
remember that blog where i said that i was going to blog more, and better? yea... EPIC fail. much like my very failed project 365, and i realized the other day that aside from mobile uploads - i didn't upload a single album/set of pictures to facebook in 2010. so weird.
i used to be SO good about organizing my pictures and posting and sharing them. back in the day, my imagestation was where it was at. now i find organizing and labeling photos so tasking, probably because a) i take so many freaking pictures, and b) i use my iphone so much, and then have to use iphoto, and iphoto SUCKS BALLS. (and not in the good way). now i take a ton of pictures, and if I don't upload them to facebook, most likely no one really sees them. why did i buy that flickr pro account?
anyways, this post wasn't intended to be about berating myself - however, if i'm not spending my time doing all these things - what AM i doing? sometimes i'm not quite sure.
recently i found out a friend i used to hang out with pretty frequently about 4 years ago, is engaged now, as well as another one of our friends in that group. i have two issues with this - and here we go:
1. the fact that at some point in time, he had told me that things were going "okay", but he didn't really "love" the girl. a year or so ago, they moved in together, and now they are engaged. i don't know if it's realistic of me to think that you "know" when a certain person in "the one", but i kind of feel like you do - a least a little. aside from that, when people tell me that they feel a certain way about their significant other, and then decide to take whatever step forward, i wonder if things evolved and that person became your one? or do people settle with comfortable? because the stigma the latter most question evokes in me makes me sad. or do i expect too much? should i realize things aren't perfect and lower my standards? or just get used to being alone?
2. segueing into my next topic: in the past 4 years my life has changed a lot in some aspects, like who i hang out with a lot, but NOT AT ALL in others like knowing what i want to do with my life, relationship status, and feeling more grown up. there are all these people that are engaged, married or having babies, and i sometimes don't feel like i'm any further along ("real life" wise) than when i graduated college. i mean... of course i recognize i'm not the same person, and that's a good thing. but i don't always feel like i'm someone who's going to turn 30 this year. but then again, are marriage and kids really define someone who's 30? i sometimes look at people's wedding pictures and think they just look like they're two kids playing dress up.
so i guess i wonder if i've taken large steps over the past few years equivalent to something like finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and the answer is not really. i know it's not about comparing yourself to others (although that's not what i was taught as a chinese child!!) i'm pretty happy with my life the way it is - but i sometimes feel like i'm doing something wrong for not having the above, and not really trying harder to go after and get it more at this point in time. if i wanted to go find some schmuck to get married to, i think i could probably find a least one sucker. but i don't to settle or put forth the actual effort to find "the one" (if that even exists!), besides the fact that i don't think i'm genuinely ready to properly be concerned with someone else in my life right now. i can barely figure out life for myself! but i feel like i should be careful because i don't want to be the spinster that ends up all alone while all her friends have moved on. or am i just being silly worrying about that right now?
i used to be SO good about organizing my pictures and posting and sharing them. back in the day, my imagestation was where it was at. now i find organizing and labeling photos so tasking, probably because a) i take so many freaking pictures, and b) i use my iphone so much, and then have to use iphoto, and iphoto SUCKS BALLS. (and not in the good way). now i take a ton of pictures, and if I don't upload them to facebook, most likely no one really sees them. why did i buy that flickr pro account?
anyways, this post wasn't intended to be about berating myself - however, if i'm not spending my time doing all these things - what AM i doing? sometimes i'm not quite sure.
recently i found out a friend i used to hang out with pretty frequently about 4 years ago, is engaged now, as well as another one of our friends in that group. i have two issues with this - and here we go:
1. the fact that at some point in time, he had told me that things were going "okay", but he didn't really "love" the girl. a year or so ago, they moved in together, and now they are engaged. i don't know if it's realistic of me to think that you "know" when a certain person in "the one", but i kind of feel like you do - a least a little. aside from that, when people tell me that they feel a certain way about their significant other, and then decide to take whatever step forward, i wonder if things evolved and that person became your one? or do people settle with comfortable? because the stigma the latter most question evokes in me makes me sad. or do i expect too much? should i realize things aren't perfect and lower my standards? or just get used to being alone?
2. segueing into my next topic: in the past 4 years my life has changed a lot in some aspects, like who i hang out with a lot, but NOT AT ALL in others like knowing what i want to do with my life, relationship status, and feeling more grown up. there are all these people that are engaged, married or having babies, and i sometimes don't feel like i'm any further along ("real life" wise) than when i graduated college. i mean... of course i recognize i'm not the same person, and that's a good thing. but i don't always feel like i'm someone who's going to turn 30 this year. but then again, are marriage and kids really define someone who's 30? i sometimes look at people's wedding pictures and think they just look like they're two kids playing dress up.
so i guess i wonder if i've taken large steps over the past few years equivalent to something like finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and the answer is not really. i know it's not about comparing yourself to others (although that's not what i was taught as a chinese child!!) i'm pretty happy with my life the way it is - but i sometimes feel like i'm doing something wrong for not having the above, and not really trying harder to go after and get it more at this point in time. if i wanted to go find some schmuck to get married to, i think i could probably find a least one sucker. but i don't to settle or put forth the actual effort to find "the one" (if that even exists!), besides the fact that i don't think i'm genuinely ready to properly be concerned with someone else in my life right now. i can barely figure out life for myself! but i feel like i should be careful because i don't want to be the spinster that ends up all alone while all her friends have moved on. or am i just being silly worrying about that right now?
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