this blog is only for my purely selfish reasons to make myself feel better. after wallowing in my own self pity after talking to a friend.. i feel like i am the lamest soul in the world. for a lot of different reasons. i guess it has to do with my self image... or my friends, my family.. or the boys.. or more like the lack there of.. and i guess all the other things that teenage adolesence makes you deal with. and i do it a lot, but i end up comparing myself to a lot of other people.. which is not a good thing to do. but i guess.. i just wanted to let people know that I was unhappy in this moment (as i'm sure that you really care) and ask for people to cheer me up I guess... drop me an email to say hello and that you love me and what not and to cheer me up, because really it would make my day.. even if I never admit to it. I guess every once in awhile someone just has hear the good things about themselves, from other people.. and not from themselves and they're stuart smalley reassurance methods. It's nice to know that they really are loved... and although you can say that it's always there.. every so often they need to hear it. *dude.. i must seem super shallow right now.. sorry guys.

I can't believe Thanksgiving weekend is almost over, or at least it feels that way. It's Friday night and I REALLY don't want to go back to school. Although it is only for one more week of school and one week of finals, where I don't even really know how many finals I have.. but whatever. (yes.. i'm only in school for two more weeks.. don't you hate me?)

Thursday was fun. I slept until 4:30pm.. yes I know, I'm a lazy bum. But to my defense I went to bed way late that night, and I hadn't slept like all the week before, so I guess I'm just catching up right? Anyways.. woke up, showered, and then chilled until it was time for dinner. Had a yummy dinner with my parents, my sister, and then my "aunt's" nephew and his cousin. And then just chilled, watched my movies, and talked to my friends on the phone. Consoled my poor friend Vivian who had issues of all sorts... all just part of being a girl. After that, I decided that boys are not worth the trouble.. and from now on.. just to go with the flow.. sounds good right? Let's see what really happens. But anyways..

Friday.. SHOPPING! It's the day after Thanksgiving, the BIGGEST shopping day of the year.. and I didn't have to work this year.. hahah. Anyways.. Angelee, my forever shopping partner, picked me up, went to the Galleria (the best mall ever) and chowed on our usuall favorite.. the cheesesteak... mmm... Then did the usual: Nordstrom's, GAP, Banana, Abercrombie, Victoria's Secret, all the various shoe stores, Forever 21, etc.. All the stores in the mall worth going, we went to. Did our damage to our credit cards, and then.. Went to another mall.. Del Amo. hahah. Anyways.. just perused around a little bit. I did run into a million and two high school people who it was good to see and just say hi to.. Larissa, April, Nancy CHOOONNNNG.. high school friends are good to run into to just remember the good times. Talked to my good friend Benji (who is single by the way ladies.. intellectual CS major at MIT who is also in a fraternity and on the gymnastics team (think Blaine Wilson)) haha. Anyways. Poor him.. I heard about all the trauma he had with people confiscating his scissors (hah) and some lady taking his luggage thinking it was hers.. sad sad. Anyways.. came home, ate turkey leftovers INSTEAD of going to El Torasco which I was so looking forward too. (aka.. excellent mexican food) And my sister bought these little cakes for my birthday present.. yay! And my mom gave me a birthday gift.. yay! My family is fun. Anyways.. watched the *NSYNC ATLANTIS CONCERT... oh my gosh.. soooo hot. JC, LANCE, JUSTIN, JOEY, CHRIS.. so great, so talented, and they make me melt. I love them. :) (yes.. I can hear you gagging.. stop it right now) But they are incredible.. and you really can't deny that fact.. unless you can sing and dance better than they can.. and I'd like to see it.. CUZ YOU CAN'T! Nicole's so right.. they're not a boy band.. they're a MAN BAND! hehe.

Anyways.. I hung up on poor Benji for them, so I talked to him later that night about his sordid love life. Dude.. girls can be such jerks sometimes. (but so can guys, so don't think that guys are so harmless or whatever) And just kinda talked... it was a good time. But now.. it is time for bed.. I gotta drive back to SD tomorrow and watch a play for class.. booo... but hopefully it will be fun. I can cure Vivian of her boredness help her resist her temptations.. aka.. I'm just going to be eating ice cream, complaining about boys, and watching depressing movies all night. fun... or.. maybe we'll find some fun place to go and get obliterated. haha.. that sounds like a plan. Ü umm. just kidding. that's my plan for next year.... riiiight

PS. I was supposed to hang out with Elizabeth Fujiura tonight.. but no.. SHE DITCHED ME. yuck. and I bet she won't even call me tomorrow.. what a jerk.. :P

I absolutely love my friends. I have come to realize lately that I have some pretty awesome friends.

Yesterday.. well two days ago now actually.. it was my birthday.. yay! :) And it was just kinda chill. I was suuuper tired because I had a midterm that morning (booo) and I had a paper due the day before and was at FTC all weekend before that (more to tell later). Failed my midterm, and hung around school waiting for my ride home. But instead, went to Carlsbad to go shopping, and then ate at Chipotle and then to Trader Joe's. Where I talked to Phil, who I haven't seen in a long time, and Vivian let him know that it was my birthday and he told me to pick out some flowers. aww... *sweet. So I "got flowers from Phil" and then crack-whore came over and gave me flowers and this funny funny card. I guess it makes up for her DITCHING ME FOR A BOY.. but whatever. haha.. she wouldn't be my crack-whore if she didn't do things like that. :P Anyways.. I got messages and emails from my friends all day, and THEN found out that my sister was going to the BRITNEY SPEARS concert. ew.. what a bum.. She didn't even invite me.. she better have picked me up some bad ass souvenir. Anyways.. then all my girls came over and we ate and chit chatted and hung out. It was good, now that we don't live in the dorms we never really get together and just all hang out. Jill-A, Stup, Patty, Kimmy Gibbler, Vivian, Becca, and Sakura all came over, and I got a couple presents. It was fun just hanging out with them and we all did the whole girl talk business.. haha. and we also watched Real World. I TOTALLY miss living in the dorms because of this very reason. We never get to just chill whenever, and I can't just sleep in my friend's bed or they can run in and sing the rise and since song to wake me up and we never have dance parties anymore. *sigh.. memories. this is when you really don't want to grow up. Anyways.. needless to say I had a fun birthday.

FTC was so awesome. It was the best FTC I've ever been to, and Nicole is way rad. She's my new idol. Anyways.. after a way traumatic Thursday night of fighting with my mom and then losing my gas cap and bawling while on the phone with Beth in a gas station parking lot I finally got to Beth's apartment and chilled with the District Board. Then dragging Salamanca out to take me to Kinko's.. THAT WAS CLOSED! ooh.. I was so mad. Anyways.. getting no sleep, I went up the mountain to FTC with Beth. We did the whole Board meeting thing, among talking about mucho other things. Got settled in, got to be in the presence of Pete Holiday *the International Vice President* oooOOOOOooooo (hahaha)... and everyone else in the district and waited all day for my division to arrive. We did opening session where I made a big fool out of myself.. but it's okay.. because people enjoyed it (when do they not enjoy watching other people be idiots?) Then I just kinda chilled all night. Saturday, workshops, business, food, service project, Kathy's and mine's AWESOME icebreaker workshop. And then I played in the basketball tournament with Pete, Becca, and Kieu. We won our first game and LET Joe and Joey win the next game cuz we didn't want to play anymore and Becca and I had to leave for the New Member Install. But yeah.. I scored the first basket of that game.. and it was nothing but net *whoosh!*. I rock. Anyways.. PTP rafflin, dance. yada yada yada. Then SAA'ing aka.. telling people not to sneak out for the meteor shower. I'm sure I made a lot of enemies that night. I told Ellie that I felt like I was border patrol on the US side trying to catch all the hoodlums that were trying to blend into the dirt trying to sneak into the US. haha.. Kathy was the head hoodlum! Anyways.. breakfast, then closing session, pictures, goodbyes, hanging out with the District Board afterwards. And then back to Torrance where I napped and then drove back to SD. Tried to write my paper, and tried to study for my midterm. *gosh.. I can't wait until school is over.

So now it comes full circle back to my birthday. And today.. I had no classes! whoo hoo.. they all got cancelled.. I slept in for once this year, and then Vivian brought my pictures to me. They're cute. I drove home in only mildly insane traffic. But I did take the Toll Road which made it a TON faster. I was really really tired though.. I wanted to fall asleep. And I wanted to talk to someone, but I couldn't think of anyone that I could call that would talk to me. so.. I just tried not to pass out. Even my blasting radio didn't help.. yikes. Anyways.. came home, slept (again) and then went to Angelee's house. That girl is a TON of fun. we chilled, looked at my pictures, I ate, watched Dawson's and Felicity until we left. I met some of her friends, Harsh and Bradley. And then I went to Rick Berman's (the exec producer of Star Trek.. shyeah.. )house because Harsh was high school friend's with his son Tom. They have a NICE house, and I got a gaze at the emmy. DUDE... I want to be like that when I grow up. That's awesome. All those snotty folks who go to Harvard-Westlake.. they all have niiiiice houses. After we stopped gawking and drooling we attempted to go to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, but it was closed, so we went to Wendy's instead. Then to Brad's house and chillaxed there. Before I drove everyone home. Buuut.. Angelee did give me my birthday present.. yes yes.. I now own the new Britney CD. Yay! Tonight was a fun time. I just hope I don't get in trouble for coming home too late. Yes.. I'm 20 years old and in college, and my parents still feel the need to treat me like I'm 5 years old. It's great.

Anyhoo.. time to hit the sack.. *night y'all. Happy Turkey Day.

I am so unbelievably excited that it is the weekend you would not even know. Hmm.. my week... has been busy. On Wednesday.. I slept through my morning class, :( but thankfully she didn't give us a quiz, but told us there was one on Friday (same day as my dumb COSF midterm). boo. And then I proceeded to go to Chem and COSF and section. mm.. that's a whole bunch of fun. I don't remember what I did Wednesday night, but I'm sure it was both boring and unproductive. That seems to be a growing trend in my life lately. (i'm sad and lame huh?) Thursday, class.. watched Being There.. which everyone says is such a great movie, but you know what? I absolutely hate it. It seems moronic this idea of this man who knows absolutely nothing and everyone thinks that he's an absolute genius. It's and interesting concept, but it really doesn't seem plausible. If I ever talked to him, and he was talking about gardening and whatever else nonsense, I wouldn't think they were metaphors, I would just think he has problems. I don't see why everyone is so infatuated with this movie, I can't even stand to watch it, but mm.. maybe I'm the demented one.. or just the stupid one who doesn't see the "meaning" of fabulous movies like that.

Anyways.. then I tried to go to the Point Loma Kiwanis Luncheon, yet again. This time, I found the right place, but yet.. they changed their meeting dates! oh.. how frustrating. So Kieu and I went to the tail end of the UC Kiwanis meeting and then I dragged her to the tshirt place to turn in my designs for my paradise shirts. Dude.. I'm so excited.. my shirts are going to kick so much ass. Ü yay! Anyways.. so I went home before the Cal State San Marcos banquet and instead of reading, I just fell asleep. hah.. Went to the banquet, and came home.. tried to study.. (the night before my midterm.. like always). And yet.. didn't. I'm so lame, I didn't want to study at all and ended up talking on the phone for like 3 or 4 hours. It's insane, and then was online for another 1 or 2 hours.. before I really started cracking down. Then I decided to take a little nap.. 15 minutes.. haha.. turned into like 4 hours.. woke up, tried to cram for my quiz, went to class, bs'ed through my quiz, tried to cram is COSF info, Kiwanis Luncheon, bs'ed through my midterm, another nap (i like naps.) and then women's volleyball game that I actually could enjoy as a fan and not as a worker. It was great, and I love the men's volleyball team because they sit around and harass the other team, and it's funny because they actually know what they're talking about, they're not just annoying parents or fans who think they know what they're talking about but don't. And they also use the game programs to single out members of the other teams and harass them as well. It was hilarious. The men's team is great about supporting the women's team.. it's really nice. Anyways.. went to Taylor's party which is always a good time. I was DD tonight, which was fine because I can have a good time sans alcohol.. and besides.. I don't touch the stuff because I'm not 21 .. riiiiiight. Ü I saw my USD girls which I haven't seen in awhile.. and met some new friends of Ashley's from State. There's always a fun crowd. I was kinda bummed because I had to leave earlier than I wanted to because of my carpool. I guess I'm just sad I hardly get to hang out with Taylor and Ashley, and tonight was no different. There's a lot to say and a lot of things that tonight makes me think about, but here might not be the best place for them to be said. So this is where this story ends.

But I do also feel bad for my mom who called me today to see if I was coming home for the three day weekend. I gave up coming home to work this weekend, and have my DCM, but work is the main issue because ordinarily I could just go home after my DCM and still have a good couple of days at home, but I opted to work instead of going home. I could still go home on Sunday afternoon, but who knows. I feel bad because my mom extended this welcome to see if I would come home because I guess she feels that now that I have a car that I can come home more easily without having my dad to pick me up or me taking the train. But yet, I still don't go home that often, and when I do go home I'm usually running around doing Circle K stuff or other errands, or sleeping. It makes me sad because I feel like I'm neglecting my family, but I don't really mean to. I guess I just hope that my family knows that I still love them lots even though I don't go home all the time, and we fight when we are together. I dunno. Yikes.. I'm in a pensive mood right now. I think about all the things that I'm doing wrong and then depress myself over them.. shoot.. I need to stop this too. Haha.. maybe being as busy as I have been for the past couple weeks is a good thing, because although I kill myself over the things I need to get done, and I'm always tired beyond belief, at least I don't have time to worry about what a lame-o I am. yuck.

*disclaimer* sorry if this blog has offended you or put you in a bad mood. :(

Yikes... I'm in this slump of unmotivation and not wanting to do anything. It's kinda sad. I have a midterm that got pushed up from next Monday to this Friday (you suck Hallin) and I haven't really read at all. Sucks. And there's all this FTC shtuff I have to do... yikes. Anyways.. hmm.. I really haven't been doing much at all I guess.

On Halloween I worked at Women's Volleyball game and then went home. I was so utterly tired I didn't even want to go out, not to SAE, not to Gibbler's friend's, nowhere. Yes yes, I'm lame, I know. So I stayed home and watched Felicity and South Park.. :) Worked on Friday night again at the swim meet.. mm.. and I ate In N Out for dinner. Yum. Hmm.. I was trying to remember what I did all during the week, and I forgot and just assumed that I hadn't done anything. But no.. I did Masquerade Ball stuff all week. Yeah.. meeting with Sakura, driving around to places, going to school at midnight to post fliers, blah. Anyways.. Saturday was Masquerade Ball, as well as the same day that I bought my dress for Masquerade Ball. hehe.. I bought these two cute dresses, one was more party like a black pseudo wrap around dress with 3/4 sleeves and gold sparklies (oohh) and a more business type dress, it was just plain black sleeveless with one of those loose neck collars. It's cute, but I figured it wasn't really party attire, so maybe I'll wear it to the next board meeting or convention, or to the GAP or something. But.. I charged both of those on my credit card, granted they weren't too expensive because I went to Forever Skank and Charlotte Russe, but still.. $50 on my card for clothes.. hehe.. I wonder what my dad is going to say. :P

Anyways.. Masquerade Ball was alright, like all things that I do I feel like it could have been better, but it was good for the two weeks that Sakura and I had. I'm glad that most of my friends showed up. I hung out with Jill-A, Richard and Stup a little, Stup had the prettiest dress :), sung a little Karaoke, and hung out with Sakura, Beth, Ryan, Nicole, Jimmy, Manny, Stephanie, and unfortunately, Salamanca.. (just kidding). And plus everyone else on the boat. I tried to make friends :) I mingled a little bit with the peoples on the boat.. said "I hope to see you at FTC!" hehe.. just trying to help Nicole out.. whatever. Anyways.. Went to Denny's afterwards where I ordered a TON of food, and just gave half of it to Pete Weber anyways. Had a mini-drama over who was staying where, and drove home afterwards, and got to bed at 5am. We were all just really cranky and tired. boo. Anyways.. woke up Sunday, chilled, ate my free burritos.. hehe, and then went and worked out with Mania! Although I spent all of Monday being sore, it was still good. I also ran into Paul Dodge who is cool and chatted with him for a bit ... I might just have a new In N Out buddy. hehe. Monday I drove to San Marcos for their "board" meeting and missed the UCSD one. sadness, and that night dealt with all sorts of Circle K shiznit. I was so upset and I was probably being really annoying. I feel bad for my friends who I pestered last night.. :( I'll apologize later. Anyways.. I didn't go to class this morning.. but it's okay because we watched Being There, and I already saw it. And I have to work later, get a million things done for FTC and my DCM. Oh and I have a midterm on Friday, paper due next Wednesday and another midterm next thursday on top of everything else. Hmm.. didn't I go through this already? yikes..

for beth: fye