so i'm sick again. yuk. at first i was hoping that it was just allergies to a cat, but now i'm full blown coughing, congested, phlegm filled, sore and achyness. awesome. my stomach and chest hurt so much from coughing so much. bleh.

nothing's been making me feel better... except for eating. although i haven't really felt like eating a lot. (sad! i know!) except my stomach has been growling - which i guess does mean that i'm hungry. i guess i just can't decide what i want to eat. but i did jump all over dre's panda express that she brought in. (thanks! hope i didn't drool too much over your shoulder.)

so... lately.. i've come to the stark realization that i have NO idea how to play "the game." you always think that you have to play by "the rules" in order to get mr. right. hah! when i just looked up the book apparently there's a whole series! the rules, the rules II, ALL the rules, and the rules for online dating. maybe i should read those and get cracking! BUT.. that book (yes.. i borrowed it from nicole to check it out..) is all about being demure and letting the guy chase you and not chasing after guys. or something like that. somehow, those rules don't really work, unless you're ridiculously hot, or you're really good at playing the game already. it's very hard to find someone who's gonna make grand gestures or moves, but it seems to happen to a lot of people. so i don't know if i'm doing something wrong, or if i just haven't found the one. i realize that guys aren't as forthcoming as in the past or in books. they can get pretty shy. problem is: that i get a tad bit shy, i mean.. in terms of showing people i "like" them. i mean.. i've been told that i'm a "flirt".. which i don't believe at all. but if i were to believe this, it only applies to people i'm not interested in. because, when there is s person i'm interested in, i get all shy and lame. way lame. the funny, cute, sarcastic, dry humor in me turns to "oh yea?" "uh huh?" "oh, that's nice." i told you, lame. i also stay away from being overtly flirty so i don't chance getting rejected, or looking like a whore. i know that both of those happen, and just because you act a little interested, doesn't mean you're a whore, but i can't shake that feeling. or the fear of rejection one. but i do think that i go the exact opposite and impression of "not interested." thus, me not knowing how to play "the game." i don't think that every guy is "mine to lose" but maybe certain ones are. and sometimes they'll go for the more agressive girls or the ones that show they are really interested, and that means a lot. i've been duped by the attention factor a few times. although this attitude doesn't help me in learning how to play "the game". maybe things will just fall into place when they're supposed to. sometimes i can be funny even when i'm interested. maybe. ugh. i just have to believe that things will happen when they're gonna happen, things aren't always what they seem they are, and going with your gut is sometimes a great decision. but do be clear that i do indeed follow the creed "don't hate the playa, hate the game". i do really really hate "the game".

i should probably go to bed now since it's midnight and i really was supposed to go to bed the second i got home. damn dvr.

here's a post from last friday that never got posted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

last hour of the work day - and all i really want to do is go home. now. things have slowed down significantly, and despite getting 10 hours of sleep and 2 cups of coffee today, i am EXHAUSTED. just really physically tired. i had a few late nights this week, and one super late night, and i think it's hitting me now. so much so that i'm not even sure i want to go out tonight. (oh.. such a tragedy.) i'm conflicted because it's friday night and it's one friend's last day, and another friend's birthday. going out always seems to be the "it" thing to do, and of course i want to hang out with my friends, but sitting on my couch in in my sweats is SO appealing. but i did manage to get all cute, and my hair is sort of behaving today (i spent enough damn time with it this morning), so i shouldn't waste the pretty, right?

speaking of cute. i'm wearing this gap shirt that i loved and don't wear as much anymore (i think because i think it's a little fancy). the shirt probably hates me though because i've gotten it SO dirty - and it's such a pretty little shirt. i spilled something on it way back and there was a light stain. then i spilled red wine on it while working at an event for work. and today i spilled chocolate ice cream cake on it. *sigh* i think sometimes i'm just not meant to have nice things.

i knew john mayer had a blog - i thought it was just off his official website or something... but this? he writes about his "personal" life. it makes me feel like we're friends... http://blog.honeyee.com/john/ i love you john mayer. i forget how much i love people sometimes. like jason mraz? LOVE him. totally forgot all about that. well.. not forgot, but it just didn't seem as strong. i remember the hey dey of my mraz obsessiveness where i'd be on the chat boards and making friends and going to all the concerts. and now i'm so far removed it, and from a lot of other things. hmm... funny how things change so much over time, and how things can seem so stagnant in present situations.

see. aren't these things soooooo cute. in the past recent days, my friends who are fans of all things color have been like "oh yea.. i wanted to get one too." yea.. you laughed when i wanted a pink razr. and laughed again when i lost it in vegas and was dying to get a new one but they were all sold out. but colored razrs are all the rage now, and dear angelee even owns a pink blackberry. (hahah.. won't be as cool as my pink iphone!) so colored cameras will be all the rage. i won't go as so far to get a pink SLR (if i ever get one) because that just seems tacky. but LOOK at those colored canons. even the brown. i seriously might need to have a backup camera or something. so. cute.

i've been at work for a little while.. and for the life of me, i can't think of anything to do. oh wait.. i just remembered some stuff i was supposed to send out.. okay.. i have a few things to do that will take me... ohhhh.. five seconds.

anyways...this morning i really did not want to get dressed this morning. i was standing there in my towel and wet hair and just laid back down in bed, wet hair an all. bleh. so much effort. i finally got dressed and made it to work, a tad bit earlier than usual (like 15 minutes) and was jazzed i beat the desk partner to work, until i realized she had a doctor appointment and wouldn't be in until lunch. damn. now i'm sitting here.. wondering what i can do all day. and just... staring. my mom and my aunt told me how lucky i was to have this job, with secure pay and benefits and it should be grand that i'm not that busy. unfortunately, this makes me even more sad. it's weird. i really dislike feeling this useless. you think i would love to surf the internet all day, unfortunately, i may have reached the end. or just don't want to seem like such a huge loaf at 10am on a monday morning.

either way.. here are some things i've been meaning to post about. some findings in my travels through the internet.

dre sent me this because i constantly gab about when i'm going to get my iphone (which is looking like june now :( ) and although i'm not a super girly girl, i can appreciate that sometimes things look really cute in pink. like my razr. and i recently discovered that they are making canon's in different colors. i almost ditched my less than one year old camera to my mom so i could buy the exact same one, but in pink. my mother yelled at me for that one, don't worry. anyhoo. although this is just a mock up, think about how cute it would really be if apple made them in pink. sooooo cute. this post says it might be an extra $300 - but would apple really do that? they made the nanos in different colors and they weren't extra. hmm. either way, i think i have to wait until june since they're coming out with a new version and so it seems silly to buy one now instead of wait. but that makes me saaaaaad.

so i initially thought that this was a joke. really.. how can something like this be true. i mean.. i guess i would lose a bunch of weight if i was only eating 4 cookies a day. but i would also be starving.

maybe these cookies are packed with enough stuff that you're not hungry - but i doubt it. i thought it was a spam add or something - but funny enough i was watching lipstick jungle and they made reference to it. weird. am i desperate enough to by 88 cookies for $99? i guess that's cheaper than buying mrs. field's cookies... but would 4 cookies a day plus dinner tide me over? i don't know man, especially when there's free philly cheesesteaks at work today. damn. but also on lipstick jungle the mentioned a prequel to harry potter by jk rowling. hmmmm.. i googled it breifly and found some links. there's an site and i guess you can download the book in pdf format to read. it's not really by jk, but rather written by some dude "based upon" jk's work. kind of a let down.. but could be interesting to read. fan stories aren't half bad sometimes - but definitely not the same as the real deal.

one last thing.. here's a banner ad that i found amusing.


would you click on this? sometimes i wonder what people think. but i guess if you really needed affirmation if you were dumb or not. there it is. although how sad would it be if you took an internet quiz and it was like "yup, you're dumb."

awesome.

one last bit of goodness.. conversation with my boss:
boss: did you have a good easter? did you find all your eggs?
me: i don't really celebrate easter. no eggs to find.
boss: what you do is put all the money in the eggs, get REALLY hammered and then go and hide all the eggs. wake up in the morning, and then try to find them.
me: maaan, why didn't you tell me that before yesterday?

you can now add "garage door fixer" to the long list of things i can do. today my sister's garage door got stuck and i unjammed it and now it works great. who knew i was so handy?

it's funny to see how although i'd like to say i'm drastically different from my mother - sometimes i find myself seeing how inherently the same we are... and why exactly i am the way i am. i think i've posted about this before .. but here we go anyways.

often people will tell me i'm "too nice". too giving, too caring, too helpful... bordering on letting myself get walked all over. i can't say that i always disagree, but i don't feel like it's really THAT bad. in the end, i try to be the person i want to be, and if i was doing things just so i wouldn't be "too nice" then it's not really a decision i'm making, but one i'm making under peer pressure. (when in the end, they don't really give a shit anyways, but that's another topic.) i'm an evil evil participant in the "what if" game, and i hate to make myself feel guilty about stuff (even though i do it all the time), so if i made a decision to not be "too nice", i would probably feel like a huge bitch later, and beat myself up over it, and that sucks too. what makes this all ironic is that when it comes to other people, i'm very clear on situations, and can easily tell them what they should and shouldn't do in order to "stand up for themselves". "no, don't call him back." "no, don't send him that present." "no, don't send that email... it's lame." when it comes to myself, not so much.

my cousin has been living at my parent's house for awhile, and he's a huge brat. super anti-social, doesn't really talk or respond, doesn't take part in anything, probably doesn't do his part, and isn't really someone you want to socialize with. quite a departure from the joy of living with me, as you can imagine.. (oh quiet, you know what i'm talking about). and he's not just quiet in the endearing shy kind of way, but in the bratty i'd rather be sitting in front of my computer all day long kind of way. my mom is doing it, for family, but she doesn't really begrudge her brother for making her do this, the situation just annoys her. in a way, she's kind of like me (or i'm kind of like her) where you kind of just take it in, until you can't deal with it anymore. she complained ALL afternoon about him to my aunt. but she is so nice and polite to him. i think mostly because she doesn't want him to throw a tantrum or hate her or be even more of a brat. who knows. she's WAY nicer to him than she was to my sister or i growing up (or even sometimes currently). i think i attribute this to a) she never had to raise boys, and b) it's not her own child, so she can't just smack him around how she wants.

today we came home and discovered that he broke a bottle of cooking wine and there was newspapers and many paper towels soaked up in the kitchen. i helped my mom out, and was kind of mad at the situation, and my mom was like "i'll talk to him later about it." when he came downstairs, my mom politely asks him what he broke, if he cleaned up all the glass, and if he was okay. huh?! so not the ass whooping i was hoping for. i mean.. granted he did clear away the broken glass, but i could tell my mom was frustrated that he didn't take out the garbage and kind of did a half ass job at cleaning up. yet, she didn't even mention it to him at all. she's waiting until his mom (my mom's sister in law) to come in may so she can tell/point out/show all these bad traits or something and hope that she'll talk to him about it, because she's the only person he'll listen to willingly. i felt like i wanted to say something, or berate my cousin, or tell him to stop being such a jerk. the other day someone told me that with guys, if there's an easy way out, they'll take it. my mom - as long as she babies him, he's not gonna do anything different. with me, as long as i don't "stand up" to other people, nothing's going to change. probably like my mother, i don't really know how to accomplish this. this also slightly worries me, because i always felt like, in time, with age and wisdom and experience, i'd find my footing, and i'd find how to stand up and be confident. but what if i'm just always like this and never find my way. not that i'm not totally awesome right now, but i can do some pretty stupid things sometimes... which i guess you'll always be guilty of, it's human nature. i just hope that i can learn from mistakes. or make sure i'm not a miserable person. alone, and sad, or with someone who i'm not completely happy with. because that would suck. i'm guilty of doing too many things for people i love, or really even remotely like, because i figure.. "hey, why not?" most of the time i don't really have a strong opinion about something, so i just go with the flow. i don't know if that's easy going or pushover. i think it's option a to me, option b to other people. and i hate to be seen as that. but how can i help it? i don't know. this subject confuses me to all heck anyways.

funny result though, my mom appreciates me WAY more because she can see by comparison now just how awesome i am. i guess it's that whole "you miss it when you don't have it" thing, although i know my mom always loves me. i also like how she tells me all the time that i should move back home. like i would want to re-insert myself back into that situation. i guess when i really decide my life is over i'll do that. until then, that's a negatory madre. lo siento.

happy first day of spring! (thursday)...

:)

post more later...

i really have nothing to write about, but i just had a yearning to blog. i think this may have been my secret new year's resolution - but i can't say that it is, or else i won't keep it.

i'm finally feeling a little better (hopefully i'm not jinxing myself here either). maybe that's attributing to the fact that i left work at 7:30 and came home and immediately passed out. a good 3 hour nap will do wonders. i'm just hoping i can fall back asleep here in a minute. come onnnnn nyquil.. work your magic! i spent the last two days trapped inside my own head due to some weird congestion/ear stuffiness that seems to be alleviating itself today. but it was the worst because my ears were constantly plugged, all the sound was trapped inside my head, and i couldn't hear well, but could hear all the really low tones and they drowned everything else out. listening to music in the car on the way to work this morning was a bitch. i finally found a classical station. by the way, they turned my favorite classical station 105.1 into a country music station?! what?! ugh. country music stations belong below the 100's... just my opinion.

on the job front - trying to work on it. i've sent out my info to a few more places, definitely not 10 a day like the "suggested" amount is... but i'm at least looking. there's a new "project" at work, and i can't decide if i want to try and get super involved with it in order to make me feel accomplished and make sure it's as "cool" as it can be. or if i should learn how to not be a control freak and let it run it's course.

that last sentence however i am trying to apply to my life. i need to be a lot better at learning how to "let go". and not worry so much about things i can't control, and know that people are being stupid and weird, even they were cool in the past, or if i care about them, i kind of just have to let go, or realize that they aren't worth my time now. it's hard because i don't like to be the person to say "i'm so awesome you can't hang out with me" and so i have to realize it's not that, but more like it "shouldn't be that hard". i think i should be permanently sick though because it makes me not want to try as hard to have conversations/put forth effort/be too nice. i'm slightly sick of doing all the chasing. but minimal effort is still needed right?

someone commented again today that i look "pissed off"... i was just working, and quite bored. and maybe arranging dates on a calendar was really secretly making me upset - but i wasn't trying to look angry. but "it's just her work jean angry face" great. i need to try and make my bored working face not be my angry pissed off face. but it's hard, because i've realized that my lips naturally curve downwards - so if i'm not using any muscles in my face to look amused or smile, it's just this not happy face. not quite sad, but more intense into the angry section. hmmph. i probably look angry typing this blog. but i'm not.. :D! excited face!

but i did realize i need a major change in my life. and this wasn't going to come with people i talk to you and things i do on the weekend, but really day to day life and my job. then the other things will fall into place. (hopefully.. right?) although... sometimes i feel this year has moved so slowly, but i can't remember when i posted about it being february already, and now it's march. my next milestone i'm looking forward to is the beginning of april so i can get an iphone. i'm hoping that it will be here in no time at all. see... i have goals.

oh crap.. that means i have to finish this trailer, and do my taxes. yikes.