you can now add "garage door fixer" to the long list of things i can do. today my sister's garage door got stuck and i unjammed it and now it works great. who knew i was so handy?

it's funny to see how although i'd like to say i'm drastically different from my mother - sometimes i find myself seeing how inherently the same we are... and why exactly i am the way i am. i think i've posted about this before .. but here we go anyways.

often people will tell me i'm "too nice". too giving, too caring, too helpful... bordering on letting myself get walked all over. i can't say that i always disagree, but i don't feel like it's really THAT bad. in the end, i try to be the person i want to be, and if i was doing things just so i wouldn't be "too nice" then it's not really a decision i'm making, but one i'm making under peer pressure. (when in the end, they don't really give a shit anyways, but that's another topic.) i'm an evil evil participant in the "what if" game, and i hate to make myself feel guilty about stuff (even though i do it all the time), so if i made a decision to not be "too nice", i would probably feel like a huge bitch later, and beat myself up over it, and that sucks too. what makes this all ironic is that when it comes to other people, i'm very clear on situations, and can easily tell them what they should and shouldn't do in order to "stand up for themselves". "no, don't call him back." "no, don't send him that present." "no, don't send that email... it's lame." when it comes to myself, not so much.

my cousin has been living at my parent's house for awhile, and he's a huge brat. super anti-social, doesn't really talk or respond, doesn't take part in anything, probably doesn't do his part, and isn't really someone you want to socialize with. quite a departure from the joy of living with me, as you can imagine.. (oh quiet, you know what i'm talking about). and he's not just quiet in the endearing shy kind of way, but in the bratty i'd rather be sitting in front of my computer all day long kind of way. my mom is doing it, for family, but she doesn't really begrudge her brother for making her do this, the situation just annoys her. in a way, she's kind of like me (or i'm kind of like her) where you kind of just take it in, until you can't deal with it anymore. she complained ALL afternoon about him to my aunt. but she is so nice and polite to him. i think mostly because she doesn't want him to throw a tantrum or hate her or be even more of a brat. who knows. she's WAY nicer to him than she was to my sister or i growing up (or even sometimes currently). i think i attribute this to a) she never had to raise boys, and b) it's not her own child, so she can't just smack him around how she wants.

today we came home and discovered that he broke a bottle of cooking wine and there was newspapers and many paper towels soaked up in the kitchen. i helped my mom out, and was kind of mad at the situation, and my mom was like "i'll talk to him later about it." when he came downstairs, my mom politely asks him what he broke, if he cleaned up all the glass, and if he was okay. huh?! so not the ass whooping i was hoping for. i mean.. granted he did clear away the broken glass, but i could tell my mom was frustrated that he didn't take out the garbage and kind of did a half ass job at cleaning up. yet, she didn't even mention it to him at all. she's waiting until his mom (my mom's sister in law) to come in may so she can tell/point out/show all these bad traits or something and hope that she'll talk to him about it, because she's the only person he'll listen to willingly. i felt like i wanted to say something, or berate my cousin, or tell him to stop being such a jerk. the other day someone told me that with guys, if there's an easy way out, they'll take it. my mom - as long as she babies him, he's not gonna do anything different. with me, as long as i don't "stand up" to other people, nothing's going to change. probably like my mother, i don't really know how to accomplish this. this also slightly worries me, because i always felt like, in time, with age and wisdom and experience, i'd find my footing, and i'd find how to stand up and be confident. but what if i'm just always like this and never find my way. not that i'm not totally awesome right now, but i can do some pretty stupid things sometimes... which i guess you'll always be guilty of, it's human nature. i just hope that i can learn from mistakes. or make sure i'm not a miserable person. alone, and sad, or with someone who i'm not completely happy with. because that would suck. i'm guilty of doing too many things for people i love, or really even remotely like, because i figure.. "hey, why not?" most of the time i don't really have a strong opinion about something, so i just go with the flow. i don't know if that's easy going or pushover. i think it's option a to me, option b to other people. and i hate to be seen as that. but how can i help it? i don't know. this subject confuses me to all heck anyways.

funny result though, my mom appreciates me WAY more because she can see by comparison now just how awesome i am. i guess it's that whole "you miss it when you don't have it" thing, although i know my mom always loves me. i also like how she tells me all the time that i should move back home. like i would want to re-insert myself back into that situation. i guess when i really decide my life is over i'll do that. until then, that's a negatory madre. lo siento.