everyday it gets a little bit worse and worse... yesterday i think it was 2am that i went to bed.. today it's 3:30am. hmm.. what's my deal? i dunno.

anyways.. just wanted to blog about proyecto number 1 for this new year. it's been awhile since i picked up the crocheting - and i still have the same problems as before.. but i think overall it was okay eh?

kind of cute eh?

i can't buy myself something nice with my "fat" overtime filled paycheck because the freaking government took ONE THOUSAND dollars out for taxes. what the heck! boo. and then i had to pay my mucho expensivo rent. i almost start to cry every month when i cut that check.

oh well... i'll get a few nice things for the impending birthday (hint hint) :P jk

soooo.. i know it's been awhile. and even longer since a "real" post.. but i think i might be making a return to blogger. which might be even better if random people/people i don't like are reading it cuz they think i don't blog anymore. i know really that the point of writing in public is for people to read it - but sometimes.. i dunno. anyways.. that's not the point.

i just want to say - in a not so public place - that i'm slightly sad about my work halloween party this year. i pretty much was in charge/helped plan the whole thing.. and while i definitely did not do it all by myself, i think i did a big portion of the conception and organizing of it. people have been complimenting me, and saying how awesome it was, which is great, and i'm glad. (yea.. i reeeallly don't take compliments well.) but the more i think about it, and the more pictures i see.. it makes me kind of sad. i planned this really awesome thing with all this awesome stuff and all the things i like and i didn't get to enjoy any of it. i mean.. that is my fault in the poor planning sense. while the party is over without any casualties or major blows, if i had prepped better i maybe could have enjoyed the party more instead of running around the entire time making sure things were right. i honestly didn't have a single ounce of fun, and really that has no correlation to me having not a single ounce of alcohol. and, it's not like i had a bad time, i just didn't have a good time because i was working the whole time. i didn't get to hang out with any of my friends, non of my co-workers, didn't get to eat a bacon wrapped hot dog, didn't take any photobooth pictures, didn't get to listen to the band, didn't get to dance and didn't get to flirt with the hot bartenders or go-go dancers. okay.. so the last one i would have survived without (maybe) but all the rest. i REALLY wanted to do. i planned this party with all the stuff i love and hand picked, and i can't very well bring it back next year (if i'm even planning).. so.. what gives? if the party was so intensely awesome, i'm that much more sad i didn't get to enjoy it. this might be the one case where making a ton of other people happy doesn't really make me happy. and while the flood of compliments and thank you's is always appreciated, it doesn't help that i didn't get to enjoy any of it. and not really just the "fun" aspects.. but i see in pictures the decoration and the atmosphere and i didn't get to take in any of that.. because i was so focused on getting through the crowd to problem #x. i need to lay off "serious work mode jean" and find middle ground. i know i'm whining, and maybe i'll go buy something nice for myself with my next paycheck of the 90 hours i put in last week to make myself feel better, but i'm still not gonna get any of those things i said above back. expect another spell of sadness when the photobooth pictures come online and i see everyone having way too much fun, in the super cute photobooth pictures and i'm not in any of them. i think that's the one that makes me the most sad. boo. oh well.. next time right? and i could have way worse problems.

outside: looks humongous!
(that's what she said)

inside: hot bartenders + fake fire (awesome!) is never a bad combination.. too bad go-go dancers are not also in this picture

oh, here they are (minus one girl)... helloooooooo.

*images stolen from andrea

soooooo.. my sister tagged me in this "tell me 7 things that i probably don't know" although.. the only people who really read this blog, probably know anything that i would post on the internet anyways.. so i really have no clue what to say.

ummmm...

yea.. i'm going to have to think about this one :P

minus negativity = positivity right? that's the way it works. anyways.. i've been trying to do this for awhile - and each time i just get sucked back in. back into the drama, the pettyness and the shit talking. i'm gonna try to stop. yea.. sounds like an impossible feat right? i friggin gripe about everything... mostly because i think people are idiots, because they are... but i wonder if keeping it too myself or trying to not let it bug me will be good for me? or drive me insane.

similarly - i've been wondering if oh so my passive aggressive nature hurts or helps me. there are times when it's definitely better to hold your tongue, but i do it so often. i often don't tell people what i actually think, mostly because it's mean. today a friend asked me why i was doing a certain thing that i knew would be an issue, and i just didn't say anything because well my answer was simply that "i didn't care." oops.. my bad. sometimes i just wanna be selfish. everyone else is, why can't i? sometimes i just wanna be mean, be selfish and be okay with it. that last part is the hardest.

sometimes i also want to be fake. not fake in the way that is really super duper fake .. but be able to control my emotions better. not get so emotional or get so attached or take things so personally. it's hard for me to have superficial conversations, or talk to people i don't like/annoyed with about things i don't care about with a straight face. sometimes it's a bored face, sometimes it's a "you're stupid" face, and most of the time it's the "i'm not listening" face... then people think that i don't like them, and then don't like me because of it.. blah blah blah.. never good for any situation. not sure really how to deal.

one more tangent - caring too much. sometimes to seem as if i don't care that much (when i really actually do) i act really aloof. because i don't want to get hurt? because i want to be cool? because i don't want to seem too dorky? i don't know. and i can't tell whether that drives more interest in, or if it drives people away. probably a 50/50... but after awhile people get sick of it. except for the people who really care or know you. maybe i just need to cut everyone else out.

as you can tell i'm in a super duper mixed up place. about work, friends, roommates, boys, life, etc. today someone asked me twice if i was okay because i seemed out of it, beaten down and overwhelmed. i thought i was doing an okay job today of trying to get it done.. i didn't think i looked that ragged. it's nice that someone noticed though i guess. i've even signed off aim these past 2 weeks so i wouldn't be bothered. mostly i'm avoiding certain people, but it's good on a whole because i'm more productive, less distracted. and yet i still don't seem to get anything done.

staying up til 3am probably isn't helping me either.

so lately i've been having a tough time with my job. today wasn't one of those days. ok.. it kind of was... but the hours of 12:30pm-3:30pm today made up for it. you wanna know why? because i saw brad pitt. and he was beautiful. i mean.. not beautiful in the same way like the time that i saw scott speedman, because scott speedman is prettier. brad pitt is rugged manly. and although he doesn't tower over you like you think he would, he is hott. (two t's) i saw him a few times today.. once with weird green paint all over his face, and he was still good looking. and he was wearing a wife beater. i appreciate nice shoulders and backs. very much so. later on i saw him with no paint on. oh mylanta. i lost my train of thought both times when he walked in the vicinity and i did that whole thing where you are pretending not to notice him, but everyone knows you're secretly staring at him in your peripheral vision, especially because the idiot grin on my face gives it away. it was almost as good as the time i saw JT.. it should probably be better because i was closer for a longer period of time.. but JT is bundled in with the *nsync first love. it does rank higher than the time i drooled all over michael vartan though... but i was probably more giddy then. this time i had to at least pretend to be professional while i squealed on the inside.

today... i love my job.

heheheheh.. i did some hunting. this makes me laugh :)








how did they get inside again?!

but she does look really pretty! :)

so i think i might die... and i also think i am probably being over-dramatic
.. but just in case i'm posting this anyways. long story short i got punched in the head. i'm a little afraid that i might have a concussion - and for the most part i might be fine... but i'm afraid that i might be a little stupider .. or i might lose some skill set .. or my vision might get worse than it already is (i got punched on the left side right by my eye) or that i might go to sleep and not wake up. scary.

anyways.. in case that happens - i just wanted to write one last post. tell my friends and family i love them. tell beth that she can have my jason mraz cd's, nicole and ann can share my *nsync stuff, and i'd split up the rest of my stuff but i have way too much crap, and i don't care that much (a symptom of the concussion or probably just my apathy). i'm sure my friends can figure out who gets what.. or they'll just dump it all. maybe donate it. that would be good.

ok.. i was probably gonna write more.. maybe some messages.. but the apathy/concussion is taking over again and plus i don't like to talk about feelings/be too mushy anyways.

how creepy is this blog if i actually don't wake up tomorrow?

but now since i said it it's not going to come true.

wow.. i'm retarded.

happy birthday to my big sister joan! yay!!!

i don't know what my problem is, but i swear i cannot go to bed early anymore. and i can't wake up on time. it's a pressure thing. there's a lot less pressure, so i slack, and maybe i'm getting a little bored, which can equal careless. blech.

anyways.. this is what i came to do.


i am officially obsessed. and today.. i just figured out why. the first time i had pinkberry.. i thought it was a little weird.. very yogurty tasting. sort of like those asian yogurt drinks... which i like.. but is not the same as ice cream. a couple weeks later i thought - hey.. i feel like yogurty.. and had some since there's one near my work. right after i finished.. i wanted more. badly. i think i suggest we go there everyday... not that i can always get there - but i talk about it a little bit and think about it even more. hahaha. today.. i had it for lunch .. well lunch pre-snack because my stomach was being a little wiggy and i couldn't handle real food at the designated lunch hour (i had real lunch at 3:30). anyways... today while i was eating my pinkberry and perusing shoes, it hit me. pinkberry now reminds me of ice monster. maybe the condensed milk taste is similar to yogurt. or it's all the fruit.. but i am in love!!

so i'm freaking out a little (as usual).. i wormed my way into my friend's short film. i thought i would just be a glorified PA or something.. and then through being in the right place/right time - and the fact that i'm awesome i got handed AD responsibilities - sort of.. just fill in stuff, and now i'm going to cut the piece. crazy! i'm freaking out a little because these are industry people with high tech gadgets and expectations and while i'm good, i'm not technical, and that's part of being fantastic. some guy's career is riding on this, and i'm... yikes. anyways.. i guess i better bone up. lots of internet research. lets see those $2000 i paid for my classes pay off. hahaha. it's good timing though. i'm just coming off pirates/insane crazy work hours, so while i'll still be working 45-50 hrs/week it won't be 70. i'll be able to use those extra hours for this. so still staying busy.. but different busy. not that staying up unitl 3am is helping me (damn you DST.. it'd still be 2am if it wasn't for you..)

new jobby starts tomorrow. a little freaked, but not that worried, because my old boss is awesome. maybe i'm beginning to border on the edge of over confident - which is bad. so i gotta reel it in. i'm training my replacement in the morning and then being trained in the afternoon. hope it goes well. i'm going back to using an apple at work - so i hope all my windows skills don't go down the toilet since that's all i have at home - but i still have my work laptop. i know it seems trivial - but i often find myself pushing the wrong buttons when searching for the control/command key. haha.

ummm.. why am i up at 3am? i dunno. but i'm being a little mean and enjoying it. i think lately i have been a little void of feelings.. maybe no time to feel - maybe if i don't feel i can't get hurt? or i'm just taking the passive agressive route. (most likely). i feel like sometimes i'm no fun anymore.. unless i'm super comfortable with you and i really like you - you don't get the real me. you get half enthused me. i don't know what to say, don't get excited about stuff, can express emotions. it's really strange. sometimes i feel like a shell of myself around certain people. i can't really explain it, or maybe i just don't care to, but i'm a lot worse at trying to fake emotions than i used to - and i wasn't even good at it before. maybe with more sleep i'll return to not zombie. (tonight is not a good starting point though.) haha.

okay. bed. bye.

apparently i give into pressure way too easily. and i think i make really hasty decisions. they usually end up okay... but i'm a big "what if" girl... which sucks. because what ifs are useless.

for the past 6 or 7 weeks i have been busting my ass to learn new stuff, hit the ground running and learn a new arena of job. it's been stressful, exhausting, and super busy, and i'm never home anymore and sometimes i want to cry or maim people. i felt like .. in the end i wouldn't do it again.. and that was my decision. there had been talks of opportunities of the afterwards, and you always think what your next step is gonna be... so in a sense - that's what got me through it. yesterday.. i got presented with the opportunity i wanted... the next step. but the next step is a lot earlier than i intended... and that means bailing on this project and leaving it behind. for 2 years all i ever wanted was to be on a show, be in production, and i did my stint, and now i'm leaving - but now i'm kind of amiss. i had less than 24 hours to make a decision, and while overall i made the right one, i wonder if i could have made a better choice, because you usually always can. i'm a little bummed that i won't be wrapping the show... so that i could say "i did that" or be able to fully celebrate the comradery and share in the torture/experience of enduring the completion of the task. i get my "life" back and my hours won't be as long and it won't be as agonizing.. but i also committed myself to a lengthy span of time.. and then when i'm a little older will i want to subject myself the pain of production again? maybe not. i know it's stupid of me to think "what if" and i can't really change it. things are in motion to make all the changes - so it seems silly of me to waffle now. it's not that i don't want to take the next step, but it would have been nice to be able to finish this step first. i know on a saturday or sunday when i don't have to go in.. i'll be a little thankful, or i might even say "aww.. i miss it"... but if i had stayed, on those saturdays and sundays i would have been cursing myself. i get three saturdays back, probably a few sundays, all of my weeknights, 3 less WSR's to worry about, 9 less client reviews to stress over... which all sound great to me, but looking back i realize more that it'd probably be pretty great to cross the finish line...

(funny enough - this is right above the post where i say how much i hate my job.. hahahah)

i need to leave work so badly it's not even funny. i can not stand being here anymore!! i'm sooooo exhausted and i amd just staring at the multimillions of emails that i have and need to sort through in order to find the 3 that i need in order to do my job. i got this new ergonomic chair that is supposedly $800.. i don't really like it.. it kind of makes.. welll.. everything hurt. maybe i'm so used to sitting the "wrong" way that when i sit the "right" way it's not good. who knows. i've been staring at my computer for 12 hours a day 5-6 days a week and i think i'm going blind or cross eyed. i can't even think about all the stuff i have to do because i think my brain is starting to melt. i had all these plans this week of stuff that i was going to do, and now i don't want to do any of them because just lying in my bed sounds really good. just lying there. doing nothing. maybe sleeping. who knows. i think it's a slump... maybe it comes around this time of year.. or i have a time frame before things really kick in. i think last week and the week before i didn't have time to think about things, and now that i have an eensy bit of time, or i've allowed myself the time to think, it makes me not want to do anything else. sounds awful i know.. and maybe someone will read this and get me fired... but they know it's not true. it's just a small rant to relieve the stress that we all need. i will finish my job, i will kick ass, and maybe i'll be masochistic enough to do it again. maybe, maybe not. but i really need a good "break" or a good "something" (i say something because the usual things that use to get me through have become somewhat additional stress.. so i don't know what is the cure anymore) to re-energize me because i'm starting to feel it... feeling the burn.. and it's not fun.

wow blog.. it's been a long time. lo siento. it's a combination of myspace and having no time period. i've moved into a new position where i've been averaging 70 hours a week over 6 days. yea.. that's right.. 6 days.. i get to work saturdays now. awesome. i don't have to work every saturday just yet - but it might come soon. we'll see. it's busy, it's different and it's what i wanted, or what i thought i wanted. the verdict is still out though. the thought of possibility keeps me in it. that and my contract. hahha.

i shouldn't stay up too long. i'm pretty exhausted from working and uhh.. not sleeping. not my fault though. i woke up at 3am and kept going in and out of sleep until 7am or so. it was annoying. today i was a zombie, but i was actually pretty productive. probably because i was too tired to goof off.

things are okay. here and there... luckily i don't have a lot of time to spend dwelling on it, although sometimes i do, which is lame. i was reading some old posts and you realize how much changes over time.. so while things seem retarded now - a year from now i'll look back and realize how silly it all is... at least i hope that's the case right?

my laptop hard drive died - so i lost almost all my pictures. i shared some with my roommate and my sister - so hopefully i can recover those. i bought a new fancy harddrive - the one i really wanted - so maybe it'll kick start me into editing again as well as hoping that i am better about backup my info.

oh.. and i started actually watching my 90210 dvd's... i never realized how bad that show actually is.. but that's a whole other blog. dylan mckay is still pretty dreamy though. ahahah.

guess that's it for my right now.. although i would like to say my nephew is the cutest ever...


and congratulations to carlene & sonny, as well as sakura & jimmy. they're gonna get hitched!! crazy! but in the awesome good way. i can't believe i'm approaching the age where you start going to tons of weddings cuz everyone's getting married. yikes.. does that mean i'm old? hhahah. grown up? maybe just my friends, not me though.. i'm not getting married anytime soon. hahha.

well.. one last thing before i go to bed. okay two. i probably will be blogging more.. i think i might be getting a little tired of the myspace blogging world. shocker i know. we'll see. depends on what i want to write about. myspace was always for stupid silly things.. and i just hadn't felt like writing about anything real for awhile.. not that this is "real." hahha.. and two: this is a little exaggerated, but i like it.

Know all about
About your reputation
And how it's bound to be a heartbreak situation
But I can't help it if I'm helpless
every time that i'm where you are
You walk in and my strength walks out the door
Say my name and I can't fight it anymore
Oh I know, I should go
But I need your touch just too damn much
Loving you isn't really something I should do
Shouldn't wanna spend my time with you, yeah
Well I should try to be strong
But baby you're the right kind of wrong
Yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong
it Might be a mistake
A mistake I'm making
But what you're giving I am happy to be taking
Cause no one's ever made me feel
The way I feel when i'm in your arms
They say you're something I should do without
They don't know what goes on
When the lights go out
There's no way to explain
All the pleasure is worth all the pain
Loving you isn't really something I should do yeahey.
Shouldn't wanna spend my time with you
Well I should try to be strong
But baby you're the right kind of wrong
Yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong
I should try to run
But I just can't seem to
Cause every time I run you're the one I run to
Can't do without, what you do to me
I don't care if I'm in too deep
Know all about
About your reputation
And how its' bound to be a heartbreak situation
But I can't help it if I'm helpless
Every time that I'm where you are
You walk in and my strength walks out the door
Say my name and I can't fight it anymore
Oh I know I should go
But I need your touch just too damn much
Loving you isn't really something I should do, not something i shouldn't do
Shouldn't wanna spend my time with you
Well I should try to be strong, i should try to be strong
But baby you're the right kind of wrong, right kind of wrong
Yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong,
baby you're the right kind of wrong,
yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong.