so in addition to feeling pretty miserable and crappy cuz i've been sick.. this is what i've been up to this past month.

tried the counter for the first time. this was the final event of dreafest08. any reason really to go have giant burgers is good for me though. i had heard lots about this place, but never been, so i was pretty excited to go :)

i've been working "a lot" lately. haha.. off and on i guess. is that like most jobs? sometimes for work i get to order office supplies. sometimes they come with really significant instructions. see below.


seriously? who do they think is buying this stuff? even if it were little kids, you'd think you wouldn't have to tell anyone to remove the plastic on the OUTSIDE of the package in order to use it? wow.

ann came back to town for president's day weekend and we finally went on our cupcake hunt! yay! she had been hearing about the new trendy cupcake stores, so i scouted some out for her to try. we went to hotcakes bakes, vanilla, and crumbs. we tried to go to sprinkles, but there was honestly like a line down the street. mostly cuz it's a small store and it probably only accomodates like 2 people at a time. but i really DON'T get the hype of sprinkles. they're way cute, and their packaging is great... but taste wise. i think that crumbs is by far the best. and most ingenious with their flavors. i highly recommend the reese's peanut butter cupcake, and the oreo cupcake (if you like oreos.. who doesn't?!). and the artie lange cupcake - which is a special right now.. and AMAZING. hotcakes bakes (red velvet on the left) was really good, and vanilla (mini cakes on the right) was okay. it wasn't my favorite because the frosting was really light, and i think kind of bland, but ann liked it for that very reason. i like SUGAR. that's probably why i like crumbs so much. the cupcakes are huge, and sweet, and dense, and rich. YUM. if i'm gonna pay $3.50-$4 for a cupcake, it shouldn't be puny!

this isn't a very good picture - but this is me in the parking lot at work waiting for the total lunar eclipse (once upon a time i was falling in love, now i'm only falling apart... *snicker.. this makes me laugh everytime.) *ahem* anyhoo.. the lunar eclipse is that small blurry dot highest in the picture. it's sort of obscured by the blight light off the building.. and that's kind of how i felt in the parking lot too.

this month was a big birthday month. in addition to andrea, there was also vivian, my grandmother, sherry, keri kaba, my boss, and jo. jo's bday was special because i was able to try something that i've been wanting to for awhile. lucky charm treats!! much like rice crispy treats (okay.. exact same thing) but with lucky charms instead of rice crispies. c'mon... marshmallow with marshmallow?! win win situation. they were really excellent and i was proud of myself and looking at this picture makes me drool. they're definitely going to have to make a reappearance.

i'm listening to the three graces cd.. it's pretty awesome. and good thinking doing stuff music :) if you like josh groban and il divo, you will love them. if you're a guy, you'll love them, cuz they're hot. haha.. but they do sound amazing. i'm pretty intrigued to see them live in a month. yay. (oh and.. go support them if not for any other reason than so my roommate can get nice and rich and she can be my sugar mama.) :)

so my good friend beth up and left LA and moved far away. now she sends me presents... and to demonstrate how well she knows me, look at what she got me. a long time ago i was eyeing this very thing at urban outfitters. not sure exactly where she got it, but it's my kind of present. i never bought it because i thought it was kind of small for two people, and true it shows you're supposed to put a shot glass at the bottom so not everyone and their mother are putting their mouths on it, but true ice luge style calls for it. it probably won't get too much use right away, we'll have to find the right occasion, but the roommate is really excited as well. maybe we can have the mini ice luge for the wusses and the big ice luge for the pros. i love me some ice luges. thanks beth!

one last thing... awesomest commercial i've seen lately. which isn't really saying much because of tivo (love you) and dvr i don't really watch commercials. but see.. i didn't miss out on this one! it's meant to be.

trying to pass the last 30 minutes of the day. even though i'm blogging through it, i feel slightly proud of myself for making it through the day. this sickness that reared it's ugly head a week ago, but seemed to have been slain this weekend, is coming back with a nasty vengeance and my throat is not enjoying it. boo for sick tuesdays. i came in relatively "on time" like 9:30ish. for me.. (lately) that's on time, as i have been getting here after the 10 o'clock hour. bad jean. it's a combination of things really... but internally.. i feel sort of bad. so i'm "trying" to get here earlier. today was a good day. i told myself i was gonna go home early, and my boss even told me to go home. don't know why i didn't. figured i already dragged myself out of bed and here, might as well tough it out. or.. maybe it really does take more energy to sit here, than to go home.

i'm kind of stumbling through the days. trying to keep myself busy, trying to find things to do, as they figure themselves out. i kind of have a feeling things aren't really gonna get better before the next 5 weeks are up, and that does kind of give me a little bit of incentive. i've applied to jobs, but haven't really heard any thing back. which is sad. am i really that unqualified? are my goals too lofty? do my resume/cover letter suck that much? i KNOW that i can do these jobs, it's just "hard" to get your foot in the door i suppose. but what also sucks is that i keep having to answer questions, and help people out, and i sit here and wonder, if i have all the answers, why am i still just sitting here? *sigh... i don't know.

ok.. i think that i can leave 20 minutes early. that's not too bad. it sure doesn't take me 1/2 hour to blog... i must type really fast :P but i do need to post a picture blog soon.. i just don't have the pix with me, they'll be up soon though.

before you think i'm crazy about other people's perceptions of me..

jeanyah: well.. my roommates gonna be gone in march
jeanyah: and i'll need friends.
jeanyah: so... get better before then
izeta: haha...don't you have like 900 friends?

and

jeanyah: since i'm not in production or features any more.. i talk to a lot less ppl
jeanyah: haha.. sucks.
mahina: but you know everyone!!!!

is this really the image i portray and give off? and is that necessarily a good thing? and how did it get to be this way? cuz i smile a lot and say hi to everyone? (damn you, gap.) tonight i'm gonna be at home, possibly by myself, maybe with my friend patron.

ps. today for lunch i got free tacos and saw brad pitt. score. job doesn't suck so bad now does it? okay fine.. it still kind of does :(

pps. hush - no mention of the fact that i was "trying" to make plans in conversation one. it really is only because i know these plans with this person never actually materialize. sometimes those are the best kinds of plans. because you never feel guilty for flaking.

ppps. hahah.. i just got the weirdest sensation of being very "brooke davis". hahahah.. i guess it could be worse, but there's like two (maybe just one) who will know what i'm talking about.

i think i'm gonna become a recluse. that might be my goal for the month of march. i mean.. i say that - but will i ever follow through? when i say i want solitude - i usually end up not getting it because i get too impatient and bored and want attention and people around... and so maybe this is my covert way of getting attention, by saying i don't want any. because currently, i'm not getting any. okay - so as you can tell this is already a self indluging pity party kind of post. but i have 2 shots of tequila in me (it was for charity!), this is my blog - so let me vent.

i think i'm in the perfect position to become a recluse too... i mean.. i'll still go to work (if you can call it that) so that people will know i'm alive. but my roommate will be gone, so no mandatory needing to hang out or go out, and no hanging out with her and b. b will be off doing his own thing, and i'm in this mid point where everyone thinks i'm just hanging out with someone else. funny enough, my life gets like this a lot. people say i have a "lot" of friends, and while i may know a lot of people, i never have that "core" - or i think maybe i have that core, and it either dissipates, or doesn't really exist, or i choose the wrong core. i think in this latest sense, it was two out of the three. unfortunately in the past year or so, i've spent so much time with certain people, and now i'm not, and everyone else seems to just have moved on. and so have the certain people. everything thinks i've moved on too, because i'm really good at making it seem like things are okay, or like sometimes not letting people know things... so then it's like "well if jean doesn't say so, it must be fine." i hardly EVER say anything, just so you know. i attribute it mostly to my upbringing... thanks, mom. anyhoo.. so now.. without that small group that i had spent most of my time with in the past year and half or so - i'm kind of at this loss, because everyone has their thing to do, and while i might be half heartedly invited (or even whole heartedly) somehow i still quite don't fit in. granted, this is a lot my fault and my tastes, but still... it's square peg in a round hole.

in addition to this, my job sucks now. a lot has gone on in the past couple months and i'm far less busier than i ever was. ironic part: i think i just got a raise. (think as in i'm waiting until the next paycheck to see if it actually got approved.) people will probably tell me, that i need to create something, and be proactive - but honestly.. i try. i can't think of things to do, and everything i think of has to be approved by people who are far too busy to get back to me right away, or have to ask even busier people. so i do my fair share of waiting. i was warned about this, and so i took on menial show tasks, and hated it, but at least i was busy right? that's ended, and while i sort of miss it, menial tasks still suck. i hate feeling useless, undefined, and like i'm wasting time. and then i feel guilty that they pay me for all of that. i mean.. i shouldn't complain.. i really shouldn't. i do do my fair share of things. and i've been told "it'll get better" i just don't know when that is, and how i'm going to have to wait for it, and is it worth it. i'm trying to make a change, and really i should put more effort into that. but apathy is probably my biggest enemy.

things seemed to be okay or getting better. but much like lucas on OTH, (yes.. i know...) i think i'm just burying things. not solving a problem. burying one surfacey relationship with another doesn't solve problems. anyhoo.. so in march, while everyone thinks i'm hanging out with someone else, and dorina's off doing her actual work thing, i'm gonna see if i can lay low and hang out with myself, my BFF: 42 inch plasma, aaaand.. who knows. i don't. and like i said. my boredom/attention whoreyness always gets the best of me. but i really do need some sort of major change. stat.

just to note. i did try this "i'm gonna not call until he calls me" test in high school, in the one sort of semi not really relationship that i had, when i got real fed up of putting forth the "effort". guess how that one ended? hah. just so you don't think my cynicism is unfounded.

ps. this doesn't reflect on the company i was with tonight, they were wonderful.

so i've been pretty amiss as to what to post about. sometimes i'll have an idea and think "oh i should totally blog about that!" but when it comes time to a point when i feel like blogging - i've always forgotten. i was doing pretty well at blogging, but now 13 days have gone by and no posts. sorry.. i guess life has just been that boring for me. we went and celebrated dre's birthday a few times (all fun.) at the blue bayou, the edison(sort of)/redwood bar/busby's (sort of)/the counter. we ended up at medusa lounge for jana's bday, and ended the night at rosen karaoke til 4am. i should have just told andrea to go to medusa, but forgot, and kind of ditched her when we drove past busby's at the line was too long for our liking.

valentine's day came and went. no big deal. i did get a rose from kelly l. at work... cuz she loves me. haha. she's always pretty thoughtful like that and trying to include everyone. it was nice to have a little something, after all the time i spent printing/cutting/wrapping candy for the speed racer valentines. it's not too bad. people seemed happy to get them i guess, although i wouldn't get credit for it, i never do :P maybe people do remember, and i just don't know about it. sometimes little things matter. but in the end i can't believe that i was getting paid to cut up piece of paper and wrap chocolate in saran wrap. i guess things could be worse - but sometimes sitting around wasting time or doing meaningless crap isn't as "relaxing" as it seems. side note: am i weird that i don't feel the need to get all anti valentine's day when i don't have a valentine? a lot of girls i know were trying to make plans, or refused to sit at home and sulk. and i was just like "it's a thursday, like any other thursday"... although when i went to ralphs during lunch it looked like valentine's puked all over the store (balloons, flowers, candy, people going crazy) and flowers were insanely priced. i boiled it down to since i've never been spoiled on valentine's day, so i can't really miss it. but even if i was going to smothered - would i really like it? i can be a pretty non mush kind of girl. but sometimes i'm totally the "awwww" kind of girl. i know.. i'm weird.

those are the big events as of late. just hanging out and trying to figure things out i guess. last weekend was president's day weekend, so yay for three day weekend. i inadvertently turned it into 4 because i had to call out sick on tuesday. but i spent all day in spent pretty near death. okay, so i'm over-exaggerating, but i really did sleep all day. and not the good kind of sleep, but the sleep because i really can't get up and do anything else kind of sleep. trying to get better since there are events coming up this weekend. hah. i say events like they're actually important. but they're like.. birthday things. which i guess are "important" but in the not really sense. hahah.

so i'm the worst chinese person. at work they were asking me questions about the double happiness symbol.. and really.. i couldn't answer any of them.

i knew chinese new year was kind of in the vicinity - but didn't really know. until last night i saw some news blip about chinese new year and decorations in china. this morning i thought maybe i should find out when new years is so that i can hang out with my parents. so i google it - new years day is today. haha. this is how i find out when "major" holidays are. last night was chinese new years eve, my parents went out to dinner and didn't call me cuz they didn't think i'd be able to make it (at 6pm.. which is true). i'm kind of bothered that my parents didn't even try to call, because they think i'm so busy. which isn't untrue, but still sad. i went over for dinner tonight and got my favorite food - and tons to bring back and share. yay. but it was nice. i know that i don't really do quality time with my parents, just because i'll sit with them while they're watching tv, or on the internet, so it's not like there's much interaction going on - but sometimes my mom will chat with me - that's why dinner is perfect.. because they can chat and i can eat. they don't really reach out much - but i know they appreciate when i come home. they don't reach out because they feel like they'd be "bothering" me or that i should be calling them. (see.. this is where i get it from people..) but i know they like to make sure i'm taken care of and send me home with goodies and hope that i'm happy, and that's nice.

so, it's the year of the rat. happy new year, people. hope you had a good one.

another reason to not stay up so fucking late: i wouldn't feel the mini-earthquakes that are 1 second long, but enough to freak me out slightly (that WAS an earthquake right? at 2:12am?). being a california (pretty much) native i'm not "scared scared".. but it still jolts me.

if i was asleep, i would be dead to the mini shaking.

so this is totally not meant to be a food blog, nor do i consider myself a "foodie" (do i even know what that is?) but either i'm a "true" little sister and like to do everything my sister does, or hanging out with andrea has rubbed off on me a little. at the very least - she introduced me to restaurant week.. and i'm having a good time - despite the always eating 3 course meals, and the $$... even if it is discounted. but hey.. it's worth it.. and i wouldn't normally discover these places. so next week... less eating out okay?

for now...

sunday - i missed the end of the superbowl (the most exciting part... dammit) to go to the blue bayou @ disneyland for dre's bday. i wanted to go for my bday, but it was booked, so andy made reservations this time around. so.. i was slightly excited. overall, the food was good ... i think maybe i hyped it up too much, and i was also sorely disappointed by the lack of deep fried cheesecake... boo. the ambience was nice, inside the pirates ride... i thought there'd be more to it, but it was kind of small, just a bunch of tables on the patio. and it smelled half like really good food, and half like pirate ride water. but it was yummy. i might have had a better meal if i had gotten the filet like i ordered - but meat is meat and i had prime rib instead cuz they messed up. it wasn't bad, but probably could have been better. dessert was yummy... it always is. oh!!! the gumbo was really really really good. i wish i could go there just for that. (and their butter, that was amazing too.)

monday - dre and i went to cezanne for lunch cuz we were feeling it (and i'm bad and totally let my food go to waste, like actual waste - i had to throw it away today). but it was so worth it.. i'm sad they didn't have the creme brulee, but both appetizer and meal (x2) were great. it was typical in a hotel restaurant. way nice because it's santa monica, and i loved the mini condiments.

today (super tuesday!) - vivian picked one sunset as a dinner spot for laura's birthday. i immediately checked to see if they had a dineLA menu, and they did. (yay!) i'm a dork, i know. i was pretty satisfied with the food - so while it was artsy and "small" portions, it was still pretty filling. plus, i love eating with people who are semi-indecisive like me and like to share and eat off each other's plates. that's a must have i think. it's the "family style" chinese side of me. the ambience was cute, posh, loungey and couches for chairs. trendy, along the lines of those nice west hollywood restaurants. but better because it's not crazy crowded. we even got rockstar parking... score!

at both of these places, food was great - desserts = just okay.

mmmmmmm.. food.

on the news front (me news, not actual news)... job - okay. they hired a PA for the show and i think i don't have to do the dreaded duties that i like to complain about but maybe secretly love because it makes me too busy to think about the other stupid things in my life. except i still think about them... so less time. but i'll be able to return a semi-normal existence and then i can try to figure out what i did on weekends before i got sucked into the world that i'm most recently fleeing/exiled from. still... trying to figure things out though. (on two counts) i did get the best mini compliment today - while complaining some sub-par moments, someone commented "yea, the job that you did so well"... awww!! thanks L.T. - i like you even though it sounds like you're eating the phone when you page.

i was listening to people complain about their issues with the opposite sex, and while i "want" someone, it makes me very glad that i don't go through a lot of the things that other people do. maybe i do, just in my own way, but i definitely don't go through it as often. i've also realized that i really suck at flirting, especially when i care. or that i think that being "mean" is playful, and think it's flirting, when really i'm just being mean and it probably turns people away. i might need to work on that one. it's also a defense mechanism so that i don't have to get rejected by post it note, or find someone i'm interested in re-signing up for dating service when they already quit, or just plain no response. that's why i need to learn to not care, because it always comes out better that way. it's also an independence thing, as much as i am needy, i like to be able to be free. AND while i'm a total attention whore, i like to have it so i know i have it. once i actually do, i shove it away - but only because i know it's there. like a safety net. i can be so dumb sometimes. is this making sense to you? either way, i wholly agree that i don't want to be with someone just to be with someone. i think i learned that one in the 10th grade. the lesson i never learned however was to let go of something when i see qualities i don't like. i tend to let the good outweigh the bad, even if the redeeming qualities are far fewer. bad jean. these are lessons that i'm slowly trying to learn - but it's not about self value (but maybe it's tied in?), but also just less value towards others - which is hard to shift my inner faith in people. anyways, i'll stop being whiney and candid (whoa.. got way too personal there for a moment.. sorry) and maybe get some sleep. or watch one tree hill. i should probably get up and take my car in, and i now have to reschedule my life drawing class for client review. BOO.

to summarize..
step 1: learn how awesome i am
step 2: apply for this.

blogging on a friday night.. that's either a sign that i have no life, or that i work too much. this week i worked 59 hours. i'm too freaking tired - so i gave up cruising weho and decided to stay in, obsess, stalk and blog. in no particular order. maybe i'm just really committed to this getting back to blogging thing. except i think everyone's forgotten that i own this blog and still write for it - so no one checks it anyways. it's okay.. i'll write for me.

today i accidentally stumbled upon my dine LA experience number 1 for restaurant week. dre and i had these grandeur plans to hit up all these places, and so far we've done zero. but i think we're gonna try to make it up next week. i was feeling indecisive about lunch, and felt like going to chaya, and really just should have stuck with regular food - but i couldn't pass up the restaurant week menu... they include dessert!



what i got was "okay"... at first i got the ahi for the appetizer, but i think that stuff is too fancy for me. i had to switch it for calamari - which was excellent. tiger roll was okay - probably should have got the shrimp wrap. sorbet was good... but you can't really mess that up. overall it was good though - just don't try to pick the "healthy" option.. just go for what's yummy!

lately, i've been having very girly moments. although i really try not to show it on the outside. but it sneaks out. one VERY girly trait of mine is that i want what i can't have, even when i don't really want it. i need to know what's right, and what's not and be content with that, instead of "oh.. what if." i know i don't want it, i told myself i don't want it, but when it's dangled in front of my face i get a little sad inside and wish i had done something differently.

*sigh* here's hoping to upcoming change.

i just sent it off.

wish me luck.

i REALLY want this.

i really want to get back into blogging - but sometimes i just feel like i have anything to say. i mean.. i guess the point is say whatever you want - but sometimes.. there's really nothing to say - and i'm not really fond of saying stuff just to say stuff.

i'm crossing my fingers about a new job opportunity. something silly, but something i really really really want. it feels kind of sad to want this so much - but i think it would be so fun. i really want it to because i've revised my cover letter and resume at least 7 times... i don't think i've ever worked so hard on it in my life. i found the girl i'm sending it to on myspace... i really want to send her a message via that as well.. like to follow up.. haha.. is that weird? and i thought since my regular email isn't tied to my myspace profile that i'd be okay and she couldn't stalk me (since i'm opposed to making my profile private).. but when you search for "jean huang".. there's only like 12 that come up and i'm the only one that lives in LA. really?!! come one.. there's really no jean huang's in LA?! i swear when you google me you get so many people that aren't me. i guess maybe they're all in asia. so... so much for that plan. maybe she'll see my myspace and love me.

okay.. i probably really should get to sleep. i've just have had super insomnia for the past few months. wait.. insomnia's not the right word because i'm tired. i'm just stupid and don't go to sleep. i blog, organize pictures, stalk and do other things. but today i was productive and was revamping revisions.. so it's kind of okay. i just hope it's worth it.