i think i'm gonna become a recluse. that might be my goal for the month of march. i mean.. i say that - but will i ever follow through? when i say i want solitude - i usually end up not getting it because i get too impatient and bored and want attention and people around... and so maybe this is my covert way of getting attention, by saying i don't want any. because currently, i'm not getting any. okay - so as you can tell this is already a self indluging pity party kind of post. but i have 2 shots of tequila in me (it was for charity!), this is my blog - so let me vent.

i think i'm in the perfect position to become a recluse too... i mean.. i'll still go to work (if you can call it that) so that people will know i'm alive. but my roommate will be gone, so no mandatory needing to hang out or go out, and no hanging out with her and b. b will be off doing his own thing, and i'm in this mid point where everyone thinks i'm just hanging out with someone else. funny enough, my life gets like this a lot. people say i have a "lot" of friends, and while i may know a lot of people, i never have that "core" - or i think maybe i have that core, and it either dissipates, or doesn't really exist, or i choose the wrong core. i think in this latest sense, it was two out of the three. unfortunately in the past year or so, i've spent so much time with certain people, and now i'm not, and everyone else seems to just have moved on. and so have the certain people. everything thinks i've moved on too, because i'm really good at making it seem like things are okay, or like sometimes not letting people know things... so then it's like "well if jean doesn't say so, it must be fine." i hardly EVER say anything, just so you know. i attribute it mostly to my upbringing... thanks, mom. anyhoo.. so now.. without that small group that i had spent most of my time with in the past year and half or so - i'm kind of at this loss, because everyone has their thing to do, and while i might be half heartedly invited (or even whole heartedly) somehow i still quite don't fit in. granted, this is a lot my fault and my tastes, but still... it's square peg in a round hole.

in addition to this, my job sucks now. a lot has gone on in the past couple months and i'm far less busier than i ever was. ironic part: i think i just got a raise. (think as in i'm waiting until the next paycheck to see if it actually got approved.) people will probably tell me, that i need to create something, and be proactive - but honestly.. i try. i can't think of things to do, and everything i think of has to be approved by people who are far too busy to get back to me right away, or have to ask even busier people. so i do my fair share of waiting. i was warned about this, and so i took on menial show tasks, and hated it, but at least i was busy right? that's ended, and while i sort of miss it, menial tasks still suck. i hate feeling useless, undefined, and like i'm wasting time. and then i feel guilty that they pay me for all of that. i mean.. i shouldn't complain.. i really shouldn't. i do do my fair share of things. and i've been told "it'll get better" i just don't know when that is, and how i'm going to have to wait for it, and is it worth it. i'm trying to make a change, and really i should put more effort into that. but apathy is probably my biggest enemy.

things seemed to be okay or getting better. but much like lucas on OTH, (yes.. i know...) i think i'm just burying things. not solving a problem. burying one surfacey relationship with another doesn't solve problems. anyhoo.. so in march, while everyone thinks i'm hanging out with someone else, and dorina's off doing her actual work thing, i'm gonna see if i can lay low and hang out with myself, my BFF: 42 inch plasma, aaaand.. who knows. i don't. and like i said. my boredom/attention whoreyness always gets the best of me. but i really do need some sort of major change. stat.

just to note. i did try this "i'm gonna not call until he calls me" test in high school, in the one sort of semi not really relationship that i had, when i got real fed up of putting forth the "effort". guess how that one ended? hah. just so you don't think my cynicism is unfounded.

ps. this doesn't reflect on the company i was with tonight, they were wonderful.