me: is this bill?
bill: yup..
me: there's a limo waiting outside for you
bill:

hahaha.. the funniest moment of today. so i have a new job. sort of a new job, new position, but same company. i'm excited, yet i'm scared. i was a little sad, but today i'm having one of those days where you are glad that you got out when you could. does that sound awful? i guess it's just the on-going thing of not feeling appreciated. i don't need a lot, i don't need big flashy signs or lots of "sugar words" (as my mom would call them), but there is a lot i do, and a lot i try hard to make things flow that aren't even supposed to be my job, but i want things to be better you know? maybe i try too hard or something and it's my fault, but i can't just sit back and do nothing, and when i watch people who do it frustrates me. maybe i have control issues.. who knows.. and then sometimes it makes me not want to do anything either, but i really do think in the end that maybe people aren't saying it to your face, but they do recognize the hard work you put it. so i'm glad that i feel like it's finally worth something. which is not the attitude i should have, because you shouldn't work hard only to be recognized, but some days i want to be vain... so there.

i start my new job on monday, so there are a lot of things to wrap up. it's a little hectic and a little busy, especially when i'm chained to my desk. bleh. i am scared that i won't do a good job, but before this year i was scared that i'd totally screw up my current job. it'll push me and i'll probably be learning a lot... so good times ahead right? i was a little wishy washy only because i had the whole "is this what i 'really' want to do?" conversation with myself. especially when i found out there were opportunities of things that i think that i "want" to do, and what i have is the "safe" choice. but.. what i "want" to do i have never actually done, so maybe i'll hate it, and maybe i'll like this new job all the same. plus, i'm still "young" so i can still move on to do what i "want" if i still want to do it. right? i've been at this point where i think the situation i have is the situation i'll be stuck in for the rest of my life, and that one year is SO long.. but in the grand scheme of life it's just one more step. but i know that what i'm going to be doing will be great. i'm just getting the whole cold feet thing.

since i will also be more financially able thoughts of moving out have also been entering my mind. my sister comes home soon, so me playing house will come to an end, yet she's also not staying for entirely too long, so there's the time i can just suck it up and live at home, or i can just be on my own for good. or so i think. saving money is nice though. but stupid misunderstandings turned not so great arguments make me think otherwise. sometimes i have these moments where i realize how little my family and friends know me, which sounds like a really awful statement. and there are things that they know about me.. but small little things that i wish someone would pick up on, but things don't go my way. maybe they do pick up on it and don't want to deal with me, but sometimes i need to be babied... maybe it goes along with the wanting to be vain. i know that's how "parents are" and i should become a better person and deal with it, but sometimes i just don't want to. is me being stubborn worth $1000/month?

6 more hours...

pay attention kids.. trust me.. it helps.