**WARNING.. if you haven't watched the APPRENTICE yet don't read the first sentence!!** (sorry pete)

i'm pretty bummed out right now (and not just because kwame lost!) but something happened last night, and i probably knew somewhere in the back of my mind that it was going to happen, but i didn't really pay much attention. i even remembered and thought about it last night, but just kind of said "oh well." but now that it has happened i feel kind of stupid or bad or sad for not realizing it and not being able to be part of it, because i really would have liked to, and i should have been smarter than that.

in the long run, it's not going to matter, because it'll just be one more thing that i didn't do... but this morning it doesn't make me mad like it did last time, but just more sad. maybe dissapointed in myself or other people that could have helped. i dunno. the world goes on turning whether you're here or not. other people's lives that you thought you were so important in end up being so meaningless. you can't be everything to everyone and sometimes people just don't care as much as you do.. and i guess i have to realize that. i appreciate what i have, i do.. but i feel like i'm always going to be that guy who gets exactly what he wants, but still wishes he got what the guy next to him ordered (it's a reference from some movie.. to which i forget).

sorry that this message is all sad and cryptic. i have just been feeling kind of stupid lately.. and this just tops it off. people all around me seem to know what to do, and where to do it and how.. but i just feel like i'm floating to nowhere. everyone is getting jobs they really like, or into grad schools, and i'm happy for them i really am.. but envious that it's not me too. and really.. i have no right to complain because i'm not doing anything about it which is the #1 problem, my lack of ambition and motivation right now. i'm happy, well not happy, but i'm accepting this hole i'm in and making excuses for why it's okay.. when that's probably not the right thing to do. but i don't know what i want to do and don't even know how to begin to figure it out.. so.. here i am. at a "safe" choice.