it's weird that i find solace in my blog, and that often i find comfort in typing things out into empty space. i guess not that weird, because people always love venting... and maybe it's the feedback or support or sympathy that people like when you vent. and yet i find comfort in something that gives me nothing back...but i'm just talking to myself.. but still it's like i'm talking to someone. and that i'm also not the only one who finds comfort this way... but one of many.

whenever i get really upset, i find this tendency to be drawn online. not to chat it up with anyone on aim, in fact i'd rather avoid them altogether. but i do have a weird curiousity to see who's online or what people are doing, via away messages. i guess i am just a big geek. i check my email or my blog to see if i've received any love, but mostly i am often let down. although the spam companies seem to like me a lot.

it's hard to constantly feel like you owe everything to everyone. or that you'll never be enough. and i'm not the type to keep score or keep count but i do remember. i know that someone owes me something, but i don't make a big deal out it because i figure, hey.. you'll get me next time. but to some people it doesn't work that way. they easily forget the things you've done for them, and focus on what you haven't done and what you owe them. they berate you for not communicating with them and for not coming to you, when they do the exact same thing. maybe they think that they don't owe you anything, or what you've done for them is insignificant, or maybe that's what you're supposed to be doing anyways. well it's all crap. and i'm not perfect, i'm sure i take people a lot for granted all the time. i try not to, it's not intentional, but i guess it's just human nature. there are some things though... that seem too petty to be counting, but guess what - people still do.

people suck though, or maybe i do. i have friends, i have people i love, and hopefully i have people who love me. but there are those people who can make you feel like absolute shit sometimes. there are people who could give a crap less who are you. people who are your "friends" but not your friends. people who are your friends when it's convenient for them. people who hang out with you when there isn't a better option around. people who love you but still make it all about them. people who ask too much, and get angry when you can't possibly deliver.

you know what i hate... i hate when someone does something nice for you, and then throws it back in your face. if you do someone a favor, or something nobody asked you to do in the first place, but you insisted... don't come back and say "well i did 'this and this' for you.. and you never did anything for me/paid me back" guess what... i don't owe you shit. i've done favors for you before, changed my life to be there for you, gone out of my way to make you happy and i'm not complaining. i'm happy to do those things for you, because i know that it'll be good for you... i don't keep track of the times i've made you smile so you should return that favor. i guess i just assume that if people do something for you that it comes from the goodness of their heart, but no... people always expect something in return. people don't like it when you use their stuff, but don't mind if they use yours. i guess what i learned in high school econ is true - TNSTAAFL. and nobody ever lets you forget it.