my face hurts. i started out with just my head... like i put my sunglasses on this morning during my drive because now the rain has gone away and it's 80 degrees in january again. like it should be. jk. anyways.. either my skull has gotten bigger or something but it just didn't fit, and i guess they were squeezing against my temples too hard or something, but i got this massive headache. why don't you take off the sunglasses right? is that what you're saying? well i did... but my head still hurt. maybe my head hurt before, but that was just a catalyst to make it worse. when i got to work it just amplified, to my face and my jaw and i just feel like a basketcase. maybe i'm not getting enough sleep.. i need to start going to bed at like 10 or at least 11.

last night i spent some more time tidying, mostly so i could fit my new computer in my room. the initial over exuberance and rush has died and now i'm just trying to get "used to" having a mac. i've used macs plenty, at school, at my sister's at work - but it's a lot different owning one and trying to do different things on it. maybe i'm still a pc user at heart, but i was like "where is everything"? last night. once i get my additional harddrive, and more of the software that i want then i'll be better. plus once i can figure out how to connect it to the internet it will be good, but i just got a little too tired to fuss with it last night. it's still very pretty, very heavy and large and different. it's definitely a change.

last night my mom was also being super frustrating. one of the things that i hate most is that she dwells on the negative. i don't know if i comes from a place of "tough love" or thinking that pointing out what is wrong makes you improve faster - rather than "sugar coating" or "sweet talk"... but there are times when it's just too much. monday night i made cookies and pulled all the pots out of the oven where we store them. i left them out because i thought i was going to bake something else, but ended up not doing it. so my mom complained that i had left the pots out. so last night i got around to putting the pots back, and there was some extra stuff my mom put in there earlier that day, so they didn't quite fit the same way, but i rearranged a little and put everything back. my mom... i don't know why she looked at the over, maybe she needed a pot, maybe she was just checking up on me - but she starts berating me about how i didn't do it right, and how the big pots are in the wrong place, they're supposed to be on the bottom, blah blah blah. i tell her that they don't fit, and she argues that a casserole dish doesn't belong in the oven, and i tell her that's where it was before.. but this is all nonsense to her. she tells me that they're supposed to go at the bottom, and again i tell her they don't fit. and just like one of those "have to be right" all the time mothers on tv, she goes "oh yeah!?" (or maybe she just doesn't believe that i tried) she proceeds to put the pots on the bottom, shoving them in and bending the baking racks in the process. i should have just left them there, left her with damaged baking racks and stuck pots, so that the next time she wanted to get one it would be hard for her.. but she is stubborn and wouldn't learn anything.. and maybe it's my anal retentiveness or retarded guilt for being a "bad daughter" but i go to fix the pots, rearranging the baking racks and taking out the casserole dish. after i do that my mom says, " see why couldn't you just make them fit before." ARRGGGHHHH.. why didn't she do it? she just always wants things a certain way, but instead of doing it herself, or telling someone how she wants it (in a nice non yelling screaming hassling way) she'll either mess it up, so someone else has no choice but to fix it, get really angry and start tossing things around, or just starts yelling more, until you do it. it just creates three times more work for everyone else because nobody's way - except for hers is acceptable, even if the job is already done.

it was just really frustrating. i had to take a lot of deep breaths to get myself out of there. blah. i know my mom can be unreasonable sometimes... but do i provoke her further? are there things that i can do that aren't too tough that i can do to appease her? is there a way that i could be a better a daughter? i used to always think that i was just good already, and my mom was crazy. i don't think i'm the worst, but i'm certainly not the best. whatever... i dunno right now.. i can't think.

my head still really hurts. ugh.