mmm.. nothing to exciting.. except that I'm a big fatty slacker. I hate school... it sucks. And really.. I don't know what I want to do with my future.. so school is really aimless for me right now... so that makes me all the more sad and pathetic. ew.. i hate school

Today I walked around the vendor fair, saw people I didn't like, sampled kettle corn, helped out at the CKI Korean BBQ sale. (Why am I helping to raise money for Sakura to pie me?... am I stupid?) classes all day, napped, worked at the PRINCETON volleyball game where I almost got hit multiple times. But sad.. it was Princeton.. and I wonder what I would be like if I had gotten to go there, or even... what kind of person would I have been if I had gotten in. But I really think I like that East Coast type of boy that we discussed in Anna William's class that splatter the pages of the Abercrombie catalogue. I don't know... it's not just looks, but I guess about security. Rhiannon and I were looking at the two different teams, and I was all ... our team looks so much younger that theirs.. and she agreed. They just look so much more.. I don't know.. manly? hahaha.. I'm stupid.. And I spent today thinking what a retard I was reading signs that I just made up in my head to further disillusion myself. did you know that Valentine's Day is in two weeks? I don't really care.. or do I? I guess it would be nice.. but I think we're just going to do another girl's night out. :) I'm game.. how about you?

Also.. I tried to find my cell phone for a good 20 minutes today.. and later I find out that I left it at Mike & Stan's house.. yet another reason of why I'm a retard. ahhh! why can't I have more discipline or something. Like.. actually get off my ass and get done the things I need to do instead of half-assing my way through everything. Or like spending more time on what's less important rather than actual things that matter. boo...

Where does all my time really go? I feel like I'm always doing some kind of work, but really I have nothing to show for it. I'm still always doing my homework at the last minute, but what do I spend the rest of my time doing? Sleeping? Eating? Talking to friends? Because I don't really do much of those other things constantly, just sporadically. hmm... But yes.. I have a 7 page take home midterm due tomorrow. And I've been sleeping all day because I feel so sickly and crappy. Ew... it is no fun being sick.

Hmm... so what have I been up to lately. Last week I was sleeping a lot so that I wouldn't get sick since both Diana and Michele were sick, and I thought I was in the clear, but alas Monday morning, it's overcome me. Anyways.. Friday I saw SUM 41 with Kimmy and Vivian. It was super fun, but we all came home bruised and battered. I was in the pit during gob and Unwritten Law and had to get out to take a breather because I was too busy fighting for my life to enjoy the music. But I went back in before SUM 41 and found Kimmy and Tommy. And Tommy was there to protect us (thanks!) and he was so great, and Kimmy and I really enjoyed it. Although, towards the end the millionth crowd surfer came by and landed on my and split my lip. That was no fun...but it's mostly healed now, so I'm okay. :)

Saturday I was at the Sports Arena getting *NSYNC tix with Ann and Long. We didn't get as good tickets as we hoped, but hopefully we'll get better ones later, and then worked at the swim meet with my assinine boss, and came home, slept, party hopped a little, but nothing too fun. I really should have just stayed at home. Although I did drop by Kari's 21st birthday party!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY KARI! For those of you who don't know, Kari is a super star water polo player. :) My mommy also left for Taiwan on Saturday... sad I didn't get to say goodbye to her because I called too late because I was at work. sucks.. but I'm sure I'll see her soon. She's going to be there for Chinese New Year, I bet that'll be fun. I also went to Best Buy and got the Mest and Hoobastank cd's... they're awesome.. you should go out and get them... right now... go!
Sunday I worked on my newsletter, did Costco with Sakura and did the DCM thing. It was pretty good, we made $55 for PTP with not so much effort, yay! Beth also came down and afterwards we chilled, she watched me clean, and we went to bed at 5am. (yikes) She also gave me a bunch of butt ugly pictures of me at random CKI events. haha.

Monday, I woke up quite sick, went to class, had lunch at Roberto's with Beth, more class and then napped before Circle K. Went to Ichiban's and Target with Vivian. I got *NSYNC Valentine's Day cards... sweet! They're so awesome, and I'm super excited... so I'm going to be on a card giving rampage. heheheheh.. yeeeeeesssss.. And then today I tried to do my midterm, which I easily should have done during the day... but didn't because I'm lame. I slept, which is great for me, but I'm sure wouldn't make a good excuse for my teachers. Then I went over to the SMAC house.. (haha) and watched Battlebots which is a pretty entertaining show. It's pretty cool though, the guys are being sponsored to build a battlebot and have been to the show and all that. It's pretty amazing what some of these people can do. Then we watched Mikey play Grand Theft Auto III which is hilarious. You run around, steal cars, avoid popo, try to get with hookers, and beat people up. There's more to it than that.. but it's a funny game. I really don't want to do my school work. I really wish sometimes you could just be sick and turn in assignments later without needing to be on a death bed.

Shit.. life can be pretty sucky sometimes. I guess I'm just a in a put down kind of mood because I feel so swamped. I don't know. Everyone seems to have all their shit together except for me. But I know in my head that that's not true, but I guess in my heart it's not the same. And all I can think about nowadays is how nice it would be to have a boyfriend. Although I swear that I had given up on guys and just wait around until the right one comes, like everyone says I should, but really... how long does someone have to wait. Honestly... I'm sick of waiting. So I guess this is why I've stopped being interested in the random everyday gossip of my friends and their current interests. People hook up with other people and complain that there's nothing more, and it makes me I dunno... sad, confused, angry.. I don't really know. Where at the same time that I want that too, I'm not really the "hook-up" kind of person. Like sometimes I feel like I should stop being so apprehensive, but also... I know I'm not that kind of girl, and I really don't want to be, but then what's the alternative. I sit around and whine, when I could go and find one, but really I'm not the go get 'em type. And then someone else said to me that maybe I should lower my standards... and is that what I want? Just to have some guy just to have a guy, but not really be happy. I don't know. Like I guess it's just because I'm lonely, and I feel like I really have no one. Like if I constantly had my friends around, it wouldn't be so bad. But everyone's busy, and has their own schedules, and they don't have time for me. Which I can't blame them, but I guess with a person who's obligated to have time for you, it's different. And sometimes kind of nice. *sigh.. why am I so lame... can someone answer me that? Awhile ago I told Kimmy that I just wanted to surround myself with people that make me implicitly happy, but I guess I really didn't stick to that because my loneliness got the best of me. So I guess my greatest fear really is being lonely. I guess I have to stop this mode of thinking that if someone doesn't like me it's them and not me, and it's their loss. Like Kristen says I have to love myself first and foremost. But I guess it's not always so easy. *boo.. I had being all philosophical. I need a blogger that talks back.

On a brighter note, my daddy might come visit me this weekend. I figured I'd invite him to come down since he was sort of alone in the house, although I'm sure he enjoys it. But Michele's mom is here and she was cooking for Michele and it made me miss my daddy... so maybe we'll get to do some quality bonding time.. hehe :)

I don't think I do well with people. Maybe I need to stop.

So it was inevitable that I blogged today... because I have a paper due today, and instead of using my fingers to type out my paper, I'd rather procrastinate some more and blog. :) Anyways.. my weekend is finally over. Sad. But it was a really good weekend. I found a new appreciation fr just being able to chill at home. On Saturday, trying to get out SD was such an ordeal. I went to be at 6am cuz I was cleaning my room (yes, it was that messy). I went and got some lunch, and while I was parking Sakura called me to ask me when the meeting time was on Sunday cuz Jimmy's car broke down. As I got out of the car I managed to grab everything except my keys. Sad. I called Triple A (after freaking out first of course) and then sat on the sidewalk, ate my lunch, talked to Kimmy and waited for the tow truck to come. The guy was really nice and I got my keys in no time, finished packing, picked up Lala, and was on my way to LA. Got to Torrance said Hi and Bye to my parents and my uncle, grabbed to go at Steve's (yum) and drove to lovely Woodland Hills. Pre-board meeting that night, Board meeting the next morning, and then TGI Friday's afterwards for lunch. Fun eh? All in all it was good to see some people again. I got to hang out with Nicole, Beth, Carrie, Manny and Armondo. It was fun. Word from the wise: don't share a bed with Chrissy! She's a blanket hog! as is Nicole from what Beth says. hahahahh... we said we're going to make them share a bed at convention and then watch them fight it out. hahahah.

Sunday I went home, slept, watched movies, slept, and attempted to read. My sister came home from Utah and the Sundance Film Festival. (I'll have to ask her if she saw Lance) and got to hear all her exciting stories about the movie biz. Plus! She bought me a souvenir, yay! She got me a Salt Lake 2002 (Olympics) snowglobe. It had the symbol, and then a background city scene. And then it's got all this snow and glitter. It's so pretty... I love my little snowglobe. Thanks Joan! Ü Monday was the same thing, and Tuesday.. same thing except I went to the ElCo CKI meeting and dragged Eric and Kyle with. hahahah.. they probably wanted to hurt me.. but hopefully they'll join and we'll hit that 1000 right? :) It'd be super fun if I got to hang out with Kyle more, he's so amusing. Mondo, Kyle and I went to the Loft afterwards and talked about love lives.. or in my case, the non-existance of one, and rejection. hahah.. It was great, read some more, slept some more, and then got to take care of my sister and drove back to SD... where I've been sitting on my ass for 2 hours not really writing my paper. aiya.

ps. I saw the *NSYNC Chili's commercial. And while I love my boys, I'm so embarassed that they did that commercial. It's so cheesy and I dunno.. just wrong! The Budweiser commercial was kinda cute even if it was kinda contradictory, but this commercial is just really.. I dunno.. interesting I guess. The whole motiff kinda reminds of their "For the Girl Who Has Everything" Video. mm.. I dunno.. it's a good way to display their talents and what not, but I dunno.. something about that commercial doesn't sit well with me. *sigh... maybe they really really really do love the baby back ribs. You know what would have been better? Like if they were sitting in the restaurant and then started singing it, like that's how they were going to order them. I'm not so keen of the whole trying to make it a love story thing. Yeah.. I should be making their commercials... boys: call me Ü

And another thing. I guess I found out that I wasn't cast in the New Play Project Cabarets. Which is kinda sad because Dave told me to audition for his play, and I'm kinda sad that I didn't even get to try. On the inside scoop I hear the director thought my audition was really good, but just couldn't find a spot for me, because he didn't think that I fit anything. How is that not a contradiction? Isn't that the point of acting? Like to be able to fit parts and what not, and if he didn't have a part that would fit me, then I must not be very good. But yet he says it was real good. *sigh.. I don't know.. I'm not mad.. but I guess rather.. dissapointed. Woe is me.

You know Maureen from Centerstage? How she said that honesty was the best policy when it came to your friends? And then Eva said that explains why you have so many... I really think that's true. You piss off a lot of people when you don't appease them, or you tell them what you really think. And granted, I like my friends to tell me that I'm right, or to agree with me or support me. But sometimes it's also good to tell them what you think. So, really, it's another one of those lose/lose situations, because sometimes one's not necessarily better than the other. But I guess it also depends on what the issue at hand is. Like Anna Williams has said.. that people only find truth in what they believe. But really, when you're brutally honest, does telling the truth outweigh the consequences?

I guess I'm getting all philosophical (in my own way) because I've had a lot of time to think about things. I'm not very good with dealing with difficult situations, and I guess I tend to do it in a more so of childish way of just ignoring it. But then, it gets bigger and just eats away at you (or me in this case) so then what do you do? I really want to make myself happy, and put me first, but when that comes at the expense of other's happiness, is it okay to do that?

One last thing. Being drunk isn't an excuse for anything. And I've heard that excuse being way too conviniently lately. Maybe you shouldn't drink if you can't handle the consequences, or the reactions from others. Or maybe you should learn to control yourself while under the influence. I'm not saying like being prim and proper while imbibing alcoholic beverages, but there are certain lines that people shouldn't cross, and then say, well it was because I was drunk. I'm really not someone who can be going around telling others what they should do, because it's not like I'm perfect or anything. But I guess I've just heard it enough in the past week to be annoyed by it to blog about it.

Today I had class (which I was actually on time for.. good job me), went to the Kiwanis Luncheon, more class, a nap, an audition, and then work. The men's volleyball team lost to USC (sucky) and I almost got hit with flying volleyballs or players diving after them multiple times, but still I love my job. It was good time, I can't wait to go to a game that I'm not working so I can cheer. Too bad I have to miss the Pepperdine game. Something funny though is that the player that I thought was super-hot and was all excited because he went to a high school near me is actually one of Kimmy's high school friend's boyfriend. (did you get all that) It was amusing when Kimmy told me about her friend... sad, but funny... this guy was super hot... *sigh.. I'm so pathetic. Tomorrow I'm driving home with Lala, so I must commence with the packing and cleaning and laundry that I've put off since I've gotten back. Heck maybe I can even get some reading or papers done. Boo. I have my board pre-meeting tomorrow night, meeting Sunday morning, and then family and friends in Torrance until Tuesday. I hope I have a good time.

I really need to start being more productive on those days that I don't go to school. eh.

Anyways.. Wednesday.. it was school, school and more school. Although.. it was nice to see and talk to a lot of people that I hadn't seen in awhile on Wednesday, like Masaki, John Bologna.. (hahahah), Mike, Chris, etc. etc. Anyways... I went out to Chili's with Vivian and Kathryn. It was good, but I ate waaay too much. That night Kristen came over and we ate and watched Dawson's. It was so good, Charlie is so... hot. Then... (drumroll) Kristen, Vivian and I went to a bar with these guys from Vivian's work. It was pretty fun. I was DD so there weren't too many mishaps or anything. It was a small little place, so it wasn't too bad. Mostly I just played pool and watched TV. Kristen played darts and "chatted" with a 37 year old married man (hah), and Vivian continued to hit on the guys that she thinks are cute. I did find out the dangers of drunkiness and what it can lead to (in the social context). *sigh.

With all of that said I just sat around most of today, thought a lot about stuff, talked a lot on the phone. I did get out of the house to go to an audition though. It was for the New Play Festival Cabaret. I was kinda excited because my friend Dave wrote one of the plays, but they didn't have me read for one of his parts. Sad... but I do hope I get to be in something. That would be fun, and I hope I have the time. Yuck... I'm busy, but I'm not since I waste most of my time being lazy. I need to stop that. Also, I think I need some more "me" time, or at least train my head to be in that "me" mode of thinking. I don't know... this is what happens when you sit around all day and think about things. We'll see how it goes.

it's 2:30am and I have a million pages to read, but since I've spent all day procrastinating, what's a few more hours?

It was an interesting weekend to say the least, but I guess it was fun. Although, I do feel like a fatty slacker for being so unproductive. (You think I'd be used to it by now eh?) Anyways.. Saturday, did Julian's Anchorage, and then napped before I struggled to get out of bed for work. Watched a super exciting game of women's ball against Cal State San Bernadino, and then an exciting half of the men's game, while the second half was not so fun. I got to sit next to Vince and hear all his comments which kept me amused. But the CSUSB fans weren't so great. Somehow we always get the really annoying fans in our crowds, but I guess if you drive all the way to SD for a game, you must be hardcore. Anyways.. this lady kep yelling about Cameron and his headband, "take off the headband!" and I seriously wanted to go over to her and knock her in the head. Anyways...afterwards, Caroline and I drove around for a bit, and I ended up at Taylor's party. His parties are always fun and I got to chill with Ashley and Lauren, meet Taylor's brother, and meet all the other USD and other random people. It was definitely a better trade off than going to the probably way too crowded Sigma Chi party that got broken up by mass amounts of po-po and helicopters! Spent the night there, and Ashley drove me home in the morning. Went to Kono's with Vivian and her all her Saturday night party stories which were far more exciting and scandalous than mine, and then cruised to Mission Beach. After 10 minutes of laying out, we both decided it was too cold and went back home. :) I slept, went over to Vivian's and hung out with her for a bit and came back and slept some more.

Monday, class, Circle K, and then.. yay! Jennie, Francis, Karen, Vivian Tricia, Kimmy and I met up at CPK for Kimmy's 21st Birthday!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIBBLER! It was tons of fun, I love going out with girlfriends, that's the best. We tried to get Kimmy drunk, but it really wasn't going to happen. I gave Kimmy flowers and the birthday present that I made, which she loved of course. We ate good food, talked a lot, made fun of Kimmy, chit-chatted with the waiters, and took lots of pictures (of course). Afterwards I gave one of the waiters Vivian's number while the entire kitchen staff hooted and made comments in spanish (which I totally understood... thanks). I was slightly embarassed, but it's okay because it wasn't about me. The guy was really nice about it... we'll see if he calls. Vivian and I hung out some, and then went on a walk with her. I was so tired though, I wanted to fall asleep on the sidewalk in front of Vons. Came home, slept until 4 this afternooon. Went to school, ate, and while I was supposed to be reading, watched the Simpsons. haha.. I got to see josh though, and talked to him for a bit. He was on Elimidate!! I think that's great. He's totally doing the acting thing and has an agent and everything. He just might be famous one day. Shoot, I wanna do that. Anyways, hung out with Julie and Vivian more, watched mass amounts of TV- Sex in the City, the Wedding Planner, Real World. And then... hehehe.. we drove to Taco Bell in PB where I dared Vivian to go talk to the guy in the car in front of us in the drive thru line. And she did! haha.. Vivian told him that I wanted to know if he was single, and he said yes.. oh dear lord. He started waving at me and Julie and was motioning that he was a UCSD student (he flashed us his parking pass) and waved as he drove off. I was so busy dying from laughter that I really couldn't do anything about it. Julie was all "I bet you his ego is so big right now." Vivian said that it already was, but that he was really cute, and he was in Sigma Chi and that he was the boy that she hit on at Jeff Dodge and Clint's birthday party and she sees him like everyday. heh.. tomorrow's going to be interesting.

So it's Friday night/Saturday morning.. and it's been an interesting couple of days. I'm still kinda in a funk, but it's getting progressively better. I guess like Professor Mukerji says, life has its cycles, it's ups and downs. (oh my gosh, I can't believe I just used something from class). Anyways... so yeah.. it's been up and down... and I've found that I have a really low patience tolerance when it comes to morons. When there are things that really really annoy me, I have no patience for it whatsoever. Like and it's not like I have no patience period, because I can sit with kids and try and teach them, and listen to people talk and try and help them out, and take care of people... But when people are just being plain stupid... I just tend to ignore them.. and I guess it just puts me in a sour mood. But anyways.. Thursday.. I woke up at 12pm when Kimmy called ... but it's okay because I went back to sleep until 4pm :) where I proceeded to watch Legally Blonde (to avoid doing anything productive... and finally got off my ass and did some Circle K work. Watched Friends (so cute) and then went to go work out with Vivian. I did the wimpiest work out ever... I stopped running after like 5 minutes and couldn't do too many weights because I was still sore from Tuesday. (weak). Anyways.. I also got to chill a bit with Jeff Nagle.. which was cool. He's an interesting character to say the least.

Today.. I had classes, chilled a little bit in between. Afterwards, I talked to Nick.. who is great by the way.. and got all excited because Michele let me borrow her Sims and Hot Date expansion pack. I'm sooo excited. If I can't get play in real life.. at least I can pretend eh (eww.. I sound like such a nerd). Anyways.. I went to work.. where we played Cal Po Po in bball. Our women's team lost but our Men's Team WON! Yay! Mike and Cameron were so awesome... they're superstars! hehe.. I think it's the intimidation factor. Mike with his face mask and Cameron with his mouth guard.. they're pretty scary lookin'. Anywhoo they won and I was super excited... it was great. Then Vivian and I were supposed to meet Kristen at the Pike party... but by the time we got there the po-po were there and we couldn't get in. Sucks.. there were sooo many people there. But these two people asked us for a ride home, so we gave them one (after driving around for quite a bit). I shared my psycho-roommate stories, and we talked about common people we knew. But I think I scared them because I talked too much... oops.. sorry! Then Vivian and I went to Denny's in PB because she had a craving for ice cream. We amused ourselves by watching drunk people and commenting on cute boys. And then drove back. We saw a really bad car accident on the way back... People... be careful out there when you're driving.. don't run lights, speed or drive under influence or what not. It's really scary guys... and it could happen to anyone... even you. So.. with that.. Vivian and I were driving home and decided to take Mt. Soledad road home (the scenic route) got a little lost, and saw some guy walking around with his truck with the hazard lights on. Vivian asked me if she thought we should ask him if he wanted a ride or a phone... and thinking of Pete's example where he had no gas, I decided to be nice and offer him a phone (Vivian's phone at least.. hahha) btw.. Vivian says "thanks Pete" haha. Anyways.. this guy used Vivian's phone and then said "don't think I'm trying to runaway with your phone, but I have to go find this girl who just ran away from me." HAH. Me thinking he was trying to attack some poor girl (because he ran up the freeway on ramp to go find her... and unless I was trying to escape the freeway on-ramp would not be my first choice.) But Vivian thought that they just had a fight... turns out she was right. So the guy's car was out of gas, and we're going to take them to get gas... but she stays in his car. Vivian refuses to leave this girl by herself so I go get her, and she comes and the guy stays.. because he can't roll up his windows because he can't find his keys.. (which his girlfriend has.. haha.. she was SO pissed at him) ... And this is why.. driving to downtown SD for their first time, he jokes around about the amount of gas in his car.. which is all fun and games.. until their car actually dies. And as if this weren't bad enough.. she says that instead of getting out of this situation asap, he does a line of coke. Yes... boys are morons. So we get them some gas, and drop her back off where we hope that they get out of that situation okay. (We would have stayed longer but Vivian really had to use the potty.) I'm dropped off, say hello to my neighbors who are going somewhere at 3am (i dunno.) And I have to wake up in 4.5 hours to go to a service project. Life is grand.... but I did have an interesting night.

Anyways... I'm in an all around bad/depressing mood kind of funk. These last two weeks have been interesting ones. mm.. let's sum it up before I start to complain, at least then this blog won't be all bad. This was the latter end of my winter break:

DECEMBER 24 & 25
Christmas Eve I spent working... it wasn't too bad, and we got out of there pretty quickly. I love being a cashier for the most part, and it's great, so I don't really hate it too much. My daddy picked me up, and then we went to Ralphs to buy a few things. There was an amazing amount of people there (buying last minute Christmas dinner things I suppose). Came home to my mom cooking up a storm, and my sister and Jeff-Gu chillin. My family isn't really too big on traditions on Christmas, and really haven't been for a while. It's actually pretty sad. This is the third year we haven't put up our tree (it's fake, the same one since I can remember) and not really too big on exchanging presents just because. Like, my parents would buy me things I needed and give them to me as gifts, and usually just like one thing, two if I was lucky... so I'm kinda used to not getting presents. And I didn't really get my parents gifts because a) I don't really know what they want b) and I don't have the money to buy things that they would like. I guess it probably goes back to when I was little when I'd use their money to buy them gifts from the Hello Kitty store. But I gave my sister the Banana jacket that I bought (that she wanted.. haha.. I cheated) and she gave me a KATE SPADE PURSE. Now that my sister has a job she gets me the most awesome gifts.. hehe.. THANKS JOAN! It's definitely cute, and I'm going to have to find a special time to get all cute and dressed up and use it.. (hmm.. I think I'll "debut" it at Kimmy's bday next monday) anyways... We ate hot pot/bbq for dinner, and I was going to chill with Joan, but we lagged for a bit, and then it kinda became too late. So I went with Manny and Armando to go see A Beautiful Mind. It was really good. It made me a little sad since it was about John Nash from Princeton, and it reminded me of my tragic woe that I'm not there.. boo. Anyways...

DECEMBER 26 & 27
I worked... tons of returns.. it was great.

DECEMBER 28 & 29
I drove back to SD to work at the basketball games. It was fun, but I didn't get to do book, and I didn't get to since next to Vince either. sad.. I did the stat board, and I had to sit all by myself away from everyone else in my own little corner, what a loser :P Anyways.. later that night I called Kimmy and she came over and we hung out and chilled. It was great, we watched trashy dating shows (Kimmy's favorite) and sat around and talked and I wrapped presents. I love Kimmy so much, she's such a great girl. She spent the night, and the next day I was supposed to go with Vivian to Sea World.. hah.. and we finally actually got off our asses and drove down there, AND WE COULDN'T USE MY PASSES! suck ass. Anyways.. we chilled in PB for a bit, and then I went to work, and Vivian brought me dinner.. (thanks) and gave me my Christmas gift (thanks #2). And then I drove back to LA to avoid the daytime traffic.

DECEMBER 30 - JANUARY 1, 2002!!
work at the GAP... :) And then when I got home I drove down to Pasadena for GO WEST! They were already all done with the rose float part, and broomballing. At first I didn't really want to play, so I chilled with Kathleen and chit chatted with her. I played for like the last ten minutes and got body checked in the first minute I was out on the ice.. it was fantastic. :P Brian Knowles (another Circle K geek) wowed me with his mad broomball skills, better than Taylor, but I guess that's because he plays hockey... so whatever. I'm just amazed that some people are so hardcore at broomball, people... it's just a game.. no need to get all hostile and knock people over or hit them with sticks without apologizing, gosh. And later on I heard that someone was talking smack about me and ask why I only came for the social part of Go West.. true.. I wasn't there for the service part, but really I had reasons. If you don't know what you're talking about then shut that hole in your mouth, thanks Anyways.. spent the night at the Y (even though I wasn't really planning on it) (after extensive depressing conversations with my mother, and Vivian about her shenanigans) although really, I just spent the entire night talking to Kathleen. The next day went to Ruby's for breakfast and then chilled out on the streets of Pasadena. This including me driving the wrong way down a one way street, seeing Regis Philbin - twice!, having my horrible sleeping (probably drooling) self photographed for a Pasadena newspaper, hiking up heinous steep hills from where we parked our cars, competing with christian kids with "honk twice for jesus" signs, marshmallow fights, and just general non-sensical youth deliquence. We all counted down the new year, and then attempted to get some sleep. Me, despite not planning to spend the night but staying anyways, was unprepared once again, and froze my butt off. I think the funniest part of that night was when the guy setting up the spot lights told me and Kathleen that he'd show us how to set up stuff and let us help, and we jumped up and ran over to him. Then he looked at up like we were crazy and said he was just kidding. oops on us. Anyways, woke up at 5am, took Pic to the church so he could ride on the float, and then drove home. Slept for three hours, woke up 20 minutes before I had to work with a horrendous headache, showered and worked for the next 6 hours. Hey... at least I got time and a half right? It was okay really though. Went home and just chillaxed. Sad though, that was my last day. Working at that specific GAP makes me happy, but really I think it's because of the people. They're really great and they make me laugh all the time. Especially Marshay and Fabrecio who give me grief any chance they get, and Kyle and Daymien who are great guys, and Tracy who's so cute, and Carlos who I argue with about basketball teams.. hehe. I dunno.. I really feel comfortable there I suppose. It's great.

Anyways... JANUARY 2
After mad packing, I got a call from Ernesto who said that he was going to give me cash for my last week of work, so I stayed around for that, brought my sister El Tarasco (yum) and which made me a little later than I wanted. But I packed up my car and drove down to SD. Despite the traffic I got back in pretty decent time. I was supposed to meet up wtih Pic and Brian, but got stood up. ouch... (yet another reason why boys suck) But good thing I had Vivian to keep me company so we chilled, made Mudslide-shakes (yay) and watched TV. She left, and then Kimmy came over to play, and the trashy tv dating shows commenced, along with Sum41 who we're going to see in January (whoo hoo!) and then she left to go home and I watched 2 more hours of DisMissed (that is my new favorite show.) Ü If only that could be me.

JANUARY 3
froze myself in the process of working at the swim meet.

JANUARY 4 & 5 & 6
Drove home back to LA. Just kinda chilled, talked on the phone, watched tv, played on the computer. Kathy and Nicole wanted to meet up in Downtown Disney, but really I was way too tired to drive out there. sorry guys. Saturday I slept in. I cut my hair. I CHOPPED IT OFF! Well 5 inches anyways.. but it's way cute. I think I just got too sick of the long lifeless hair. Later on I went to Michaels, and the mall and then gave my sister clothes she needed to brave the cold of Utah. (the reason I came back to LA) then chilled with Carrie and Angelee. We went to Islands and saw Kate & Leopold. I got to use my ID for the first time, I was pretty excited. :) Although my tolerance really is not what it used to be freshman year. Sunday, ran some more errands, met with Nicole and Kathy to have lunch, and pick up Kathy to take her back to SD. Ran a little more errands, and then off back to SD. Dropped Kathy off, and then came home to an empty house. I just unpacked my car and really didn't feel like cleaning, so I vegged, watched Legally Blonde and worked on Kimmy's present.

Monday .. first day of school. Got used to my schedule and classes. Saw a bunch of people that I hadn't seen in awhile. Especially since I was hanging around campus more... I saw tons of people. Went to Kimmy's house for a lunch break and watched Grease 2.. hahaha. Went to a Circle K meeting and got a big gay unjustified parking ticket. which I appealed.. and then met up with some of the girls for Ichiban's. Yum. Tooled around PB once again, and went to Nick and Neil's house. Chatted a bit with Nick and Chris and then with Neil and his roomie Justin, who recognized me from a party at the beginning of the year hahahha.. funny. Talked to Kathleen and Pete a little bit who really, I love dearly. They make me really happy when I talk to them. I just wish that they lived next door so we could play all the time. Pete also wrote really nice things about me in his journal.. and Nicole said good night to me. I guess it's just those little things that make me happy, that make me feel loved.

Tuesday, chilled... no classes.. got woken up by numerous phone calls, Vivian came over, we chilled, watched movies, and I proceeded to actually clean my room. We chilled some more.

So really... I only use this thing to complain and gripe. I guess.. I just don't want to harang people into listening to me whine like a little girl, so I just kinda blog it out. So I'm warning you know, read this with discretion... if you don't want to hear it, don't read it. Really.. you should stop reading now.

Okay.. now back to real time. It's been the first week of school.. and I'd hate to admit it, but really I can't stand it already. yuck. I think the problem is that I stacked my classes on MWF, and I have to be at school all day on those days, which sucks butt. Especially since I don't think live on campus anymore. My classes are alright, but just the in between time, and the amount of reading that's being assigned already. yikes. Anyways.. I discovered something about myself.. that really I'm such a bitch. Especially when I want to be. I can be quite the biggest snot in the world, but I guess everyone already knew that ... :P It's one of those self-epiphany things. I guess I can either be really sweet or really mean.. aiya. Anyways. today was a pretty crappy day, which is probably why I'm in an awful mood. I woke up really late, and probably would have slept all day if it wasn't for Vivian calling me (thank you). Went to class, and then sat around for a long while feeling like a big loser. Price Center was busy, but I really had nothing to do, I felt so blah like I really wanted to either shoot myself, or go home and sit on my ass and do nothing. Went to my 2:30 class, and then tried to get into another class after that. I didn't get in, but it's okay because I realized I didn't really want to be in that class after sitting in it for 10 minutes. It was really slow and boring... not so much the class.. but umm. the teacher. And there was people in that class that I would have rather avoided... so I have 4 more quarters.. no hurry. But it was good that I went because I talked a little to Katie (hopefully I didn't catch her strep throat) and I got to see Rod who I haven't seen in forever since he's been in DC. But he's such a great guy... I definitely need to chill with him more. Made a run to costco, and then back to Vivian's after not deciding to add another class. Did some stalking (I'm so lame and pathetic) and watched Sex in the City again (yet another pathetic loserish act). Went to the Triton Jam, saw some more people, and then came home. Over all, it doesn't really sound like a bad day, but I guess it was just draining. And today I seemed to have such a short patience level. I got annoyed quite easily today with multiple things and multiple people. I realized that I don't have any money, and I don't think that those GAP people are going to call me back. I hate the UTC gap.. boo on them. In the other end of work that put me in a bad mood, I find out that I'm working at the doubleheaders this weekend, but I don't get to do book. I have to do spotting and stat board. Which aren't difficult, but my favorite thing is to do book. And I was so excited when Rhiannon told me that she wasn't going to work this weekend, and I would get to do it, but YET... I STILL don't get to do it. Isn't that what I gave up my christmas break to drive back and forth for... to get these perks. Because really I've been waiting for three years for Rhiannon to not be available, and when she's not, I still don't get it? I think that's jacked. Another thing...although people think I have a lot of friends... really people need to realize that I know a lot of people, but I don't have a lot of real close friends. And it's all very sporadic, and I'm not really part of anything. I don't really feel like I really belong anywhere, or with anyone. Like people have their groups of friends, and people that they call up when they're going out, and I really don't have that.. at all. Not to belittle the friends I have now, because I love them dearly, but sometimes I wish it were like freshman year again when it was just all a big party and we all just lived next to each other. I guess I'm feeling the angst of living off campus in my not-so-friendly townhouse. And then there are those friends, who say your good friends, but when it comes down to it, and those little things, you might be one of their friends, but are they one of your friends? Or just your friend when it's convinient, or they feel like it? This ambivalence doesn't really sit with me well. I can't really understand it, I guess it's too complicated for me, or I'm just too needy, or simple. And everyday I'm one step closer to realizing that I'm going to be a spinster and die an old woman with cats. Really.. people are all like "no... that's not true" but I don't see anything that gives me hope. The only guy that has said I was cute is gay.. that really doesn't do me so much good. Vivian thinks it's because I scare away boys because I'm scared of them, but it's all an internal thing. And maybe I'm not whorish enough.. but really do I want to be like that? So really.. what am I supposed to do? What can I do.. nothing.. which is exactly my problem.. I have to sit and wait around while this whole thing swirls around me in circles and really doesn't go anywhere. It doesn't seem like guys think anything of me, and really I don't think they ever will. I'm like everyone's buddy... which is not bad, but it's not so handy in my current situation. And plus.. people have been like "wow Jean.. you lost a lot of weight huh?" when really I don't know if I have, but I do know that I'm still fat, so really how fat was I to begin with? Not that I don't appreciate the compliments, because if I look better, then that's great, but I just worry about the delusional light that I see myself in. And speaking of delusions, I realized that's why my friends are great for. Your friends are there to reassure you and give you moral boosters "you're ten times cuter than her," "oh he definitely likes you," "he didn't want you to leave," "why wouldn't he like you, you made him laugh the whole time," but I guess in the end it just lets me fall from a greater height. Or wonder why the things that they say aren't coming true? But then I would be mad at my friends if they didn't say those things, because in my own little world, I think they're true... so really.. I'm just a really confused and complicated girl. ish. I guess I'm just tired... tired of my stasis in life right now. Tired of trying so hard with no result, tired of not being invited to things, tired of wondering what's going on, tired of school, tired of not feeling like one of the "cool" kids, tired of not being "pretty" enough, tired of trying to please everyone, tired of having to put up with people and their idiotic notions, tired of trying to figure people out, tired of wanting to be liked, tired of feeling lonely and unloved, tired of being boyless, tired of worrying so much, I'm tired and I don't want to have to deal with anything anymore.