Anyways... I'm in an all around bad/depressing mood kind of funk. These last two weeks have been interesting ones. mm.. let's sum it up before I start to complain, at least then this blog won't be all bad. This was the latter end of my winter break:

DECEMBER 24 & 25
Christmas Eve I spent working... it wasn't too bad, and we got out of there pretty quickly. I love being a cashier for the most part, and it's great, so I don't really hate it too much. My daddy picked me up, and then we went to Ralphs to buy a few things. There was an amazing amount of people there (buying last minute Christmas dinner things I suppose). Came home to my mom cooking up a storm, and my sister and Jeff-Gu chillin. My family isn't really too big on traditions on Christmas, and really haven't been for a while. It's actually pretty sad. This is the third year we haven't put up our tree (it's fake, the same one since I can remember) and not really too big on exchanging presents just because. Like, my parents would buy me things I needed and give them to me as gifts, and usually just like one thing, two if I was lucky... so I'm kinda used to not getting presents. And I didn't really get my parents gifts because a) I don't really know what they want b) and I don't have the money to buy things that they would like. I guess it probably goes back to when I was little when I'd use their money to buy them gifts from the Hello Kitty store. But I gave my sister the Banana jacket that I bought (that she wanted.. haha.. I cheated) and she gave me a KATE SPADE PURSE. Now that my sister has a job she gets me the most awesome gifts.. hehe.. THANKS JOAN! It's definitely cute, and I'm going to have to find a special time to get all cute and dressed up and use it.. (hmm.. I think I'll "debut" it at Kimmy's bday next monday) anyways... We ate hot pot/bbq for dinner, and I was going to chill with Joan, but we lagged for a bit, and then it kinda became too late. So I went with Manny and Armando to go see A Beautiful Mind. It was really good. It made me a little sad since it was about John Nash from Princeton, and it reminded me of my tragic woe that I'm not there.. boo. Anyways...

DECEMBER 26 & 27
I worked... tons of returns.. it was great.

DECEMBER 28 & 29
I drove back to SD to work at the basketball games. It was fun, but I didn't get to do book, and I didn't get to since next to Vince either. sad.. I did the stat board, and I had to sit all by myself away from everyone else in my own little corner, what a loser :P Anyways.. later that night I called Kimmy and she came over and we hung out and chilled. It was great, we watched trashy dating shows (Kimmy's favorite) and sat around and talked and I wrapped presents. I love Kimmy so much, she's such a great girl. She spent the night, and the next day I was supposed to go with Vivian to Sea World.. hah.. and we finally actually got off our asses and drove down there, AND WE COULDN'T USE MY PASSES! suck ass. Anyways.. we chilled in PB for a bit, and then I went to work, and Vivian brought me dinner.. (thanks) and gave me my Christmas gift (thanks #2). And then I drove back to LA to avoid the daytime traffic.

DECEMBER 30 - JANUARY 1, 2002!!
work at the GAP... :) And then when I got home I drove down to Pasadena for GO WEST! They were already all done with the rose float part, and broomballing. At first I didn't really want to play, so I chilled with Kathleen and chit chatted with her. I played for like the last ten minutes and got body checked in the first minute I was out on the ice.. it was fantastic. :P Brian Knowles (another Circle K geek) wowed me with his mad broomball skills, better than Taylor, but I guess that's because he plays hockey... so whatever. I'm just amazed that some people are so hardcore at broomball, people... it's just a game.. no need to get all hostile and knock people over or hit them with sticks without apologizing, gosh. And later on I heard that someone was talking smack about me and ask why I only came for the social part of Go West.. true.. I wasn't there for the service part, but really I had reasons. If you don't know what you're talking about then shut that hole in your mouth, thanks Anyways.. spent the night at the Y (even though I wasn't really planning on it) (after extensive depressing conversations with my mother, and Vivian about her shenanigans) although really, I just spent the entire night talking to Kathleen. The next day went to Ruby's for breakfast and then chilled out on the streets of Pasadena. This including me driving the wrong way down a one way street, seeing Regis Philbin - twice!, having my horrible sleeping (probably drooling) self photographed for a Pasadena newspaper, hiking up heinous steep hills from where we parked our cars, competing with christian kids with "honk twice for jesus" signs, marshmallow fights, and just general non-sensical youth deliquence. We all counted down the new year, and then attempted to get some sleep. Me, despite not planning to spend the night but staying anyways, was unprepared once again, and froze my butt off. I think the funniest part of that night was when the guy setting up the spot lights told me and Kathleen that he'd show us how to set up stuff and let us help, and we jumped up and ran over to him. Then he looked at up like we were crazy and said he was just kidding. oops on us. Anyways, woke up at 5am, took Pic to the church so he could ride on the float, and then drove home. Slept for three hours, woke up 20 minutes before I had to work with a horrendous headache, showered and worked for the next 6 hours. Hey... at least I got time and a half right? It was okay really though. Went home and just chillaxed. Sad though, that was my last day. Working at that specific GAP makes me happy, but really I think it's because of the people. They're really great and they make me laugh all the time. Especially Marshay and Fabrecio who give me grief any chance they get, and Kyle and Daymien who are great guys, and Tracy who's so cute, and Carlos who I argue with about basketball teams.. hehe. I dunno.. I really feel comfortable there I suppose. It's great.

Anyways... JANUARY 2
After mad packing, I got a call from Ernesto who said that he was going to give me cash for my last week of work, so I stayed around for that, brought my sister El Tarasco (yum) and which made me a little later than I wanted. But I packed up my car and drove down to SD. Despite the traffic I got back in pretty decent time. I was supposed to meet up wtih Pic and Brian, but got stood up. ouch... (yet another reason why boys suck) But good thing I had Vivian to keep me company so we chilled, made Mudslide-shakes (yay) and watched TV. She left, and then Kimmy came over to play, and the trashy tv dating shows commenced, along with Sum41 who we're going to see in January (whoo hoo!) and then she left to go home and I watched 2 more hours of DisMissed (that is my new favorite show.) Ü If only that could be me.

JANUARY 3
froze myself in the process of working at the swim meet.

JANUARY 4 & 5 & 6
Drove home back to LA. Just kinda chilled, talked on the phone, watched tv, played on the computer. Kathy and Nicole wanted to meet up in Downtown Disney, but really I was way too tired to drive out there. sorry guys. Saturday I slept in. I cut my hair. I CHOPPED IT OFF! Well 5 inches anyways.. but it's way cute. I think I just got too sick of the long lifeless hair. Later on I went to Michaels, and the mall and then gave my sister clothes she needed to brave the cold of Utah. (the reason I came back to LA) then chilled with Carrie and Angelee. We went to Islands and saw Kate & Leopold. I got to use my ID for the first time, I was pretty excited. :) Although my tolerance really is not what it used to be freshman year. Sunday, ran some more errands, met with Nicole and Kathy to have lunch, and pick up Kathy to take her back to SD. Ran a little more errands, and then off back to SD. Dropped Kathy off, and then came home to an empty house. I just unpacked my car and really didn't feel like cleaning, so I vegged, watched Legally Blonde and worked on Kimmy's present.

Monday .. first day of school. Got used to my schedule and classes. Saw a bunch of people that I hadn't seen in awhile. Especially since I was hanging around campus more... I saw tons of people. Went to Kimmy's house for a lunch break and watched Grease 2.. hahaha. Went to a Circle K meeting and got a big gay unjustified parking ticket. which I appealed.. and then met up with some of the girls for Ichiban's. Yum. Tooled around PB once again, and went to Nick and Neil's house. Chatted a bit with Nick and Chris and then with Neil and his roomie Justin, who recognized me from a party at the beginning of the year hahahha.. funny. Talked to Kathleen and Pete a little bit who really, I love dearly. They make me really happy when I talk to them. I just wish that they lived next door so we could play all the time. Pete also wrote really nice things about me in his journal.. and Nicole said good night to me. I guess it's just those little things that make me happy, that make me feel loved.

Tuesday, chilled... no classes.. got woken up by numerous phone calls, Vivian came over, we chilled, watched movies, and I proceeded to actually clean my room. We chilled some more.

So really... I only use this thing to complain and gripe. I guess.. I just don't want to harang people into listening to me whine like a little girl, so I just kinda blog it out. So I'm warning you know, read this with discretion... if you don't want to hear it, don't read it. Really.. you should stop reading now.

Okay.. now back to real time. It's been the first week of school.. and I'd hate to admit it, but really I can't stand it already. yuck. I think the problem is that I stacked my classes on MWF, and I have to be at school all day on those days, which sucks butt. Especially since I don't think live on campus anymore. My classes are alright, but just the in between time, and the amount of reading that's being assigned already. yikes. Anyways.. I discovered something about myself.. that really I'm such a bitch. Especially when I want to be. I can be quite the biggest snot in the world, but I guess everyone already knew that ... :P It's one of those self-epiphany things. I guess I can either be really sweet or really mean.. aiya. Anyways. today was a pretty crappy day, which is probably why I'm in an awful mood. I woke up really late, and probably would have slept all day if it wasn't for Vivian calling me (thank you). Went to class, and then sat around for a long while feeling like a big loser. Price Center was busy, but I really had nothing to do, I felt so blah like I really wanted to either shoot myself, or go home and sit on my ass and do nothing. Went to my 2:30 class, and then tried to get into another class after that. I didn't get in, but it's okay because I realized I didn't really want to be in that class after sitting in it for 10 minutes. It was really slow and boring... not so much the class.. but umm. the teacher. And there was people in that class that I would have rather avoided... so I have 4 more quarters.. no hurry. But it was good that I went because I talked a little to Katie (hopefully I didn't catch her strep throat) and I got to see Rod who I haven't seen in forever since he's been in DC. But he's such a great guy... I definitely need to chill with him more. Made a run to costco, and then back to Vivian's after not deciding to add another class. Did some stalking (I'm so lame and pathetic) and watched Sex in the City again (yet another pathetic loserish act). Went to the Triton Jam, saw some more people, and then came home. Over all, it doesn't really sound like a bad day, but I guess it was just draining. And today I seemed to have such a short patience level. I got annoyed quite easily today with multiple things and multiple people. I realized that I don't have any money, and I don't think that those GAP people are going to call me back. I hate the UTC gap.. boo on them. In the other end of work that put me in a bad mood, I find out that I'm working at the doubleheaders this weekend, but I don't get to do book. I have to do spotting and stat board. Which aren't difficult, but my favorite thing is to do book. And I was so excited when Rhiannon told me that she wasn't going to work this weekend, and I would get to do it, but YET... I STILL don't get to do it. Isn't that what I gave up my christmas break to drive back and forth for... to get these perks. Because really I've been waiting for three years for Rhiannon to not be available, and when she's not, I still don't get it? I think that's jacked. Another thing...although people think I have a lot of friends... really people need to realize that I know a lot of people, but I don't have a lot of real close friends. And it's all very sporadic, and I'm not really part of anything. I don't really feel like I really belong anywhere, or with anyone. Like people have their groups of friends, and people that they call up when they're going out, and I really don't have that.. at all. Not to belittle the friends I have now, because I love them dearly, but sometimes I wish it were like freshman year again when it was just all a big party and we all just lived next to each other. I guess I'm feeling the angst of living off campus in my not-so-friendly townhouse. And then there are those friends, who say your good friends, but when it comes down to it, and those little things, you might be one of their friends, but are they one of your friends? Or just your friend when it's convinient, or they feel like it? This ambivalence doesn't really sit with me well. I can't really understand it, I guess it's too complicated for me, or I'm just too needy, or simple. And everyday I'm one step closer to realizing that I'm going to be a spinster and die an old woman with cats. Really.. people are all like "no... that's not true" but I don't see anything that gives me hope. The only guy that has said I was cute is gay.. that really doesn't do me so much good. Vivian thinks it's because I scare away boys because I'm scared of them, but it's all an internal thing. And maybe I'm not whorish enough.. but really do I want to be like that? So really.. what am I supposed to do? What can I do.. nothing.. which is exactly my problem.. I have to sit and wait around while this whole thing swirls around me in circles and really doesn't go anywhere. It doesn't seem like guys think anything of me, and really I don't think they ever will. I'm like everyone's buddy... which is not bad, but it's not so handy in my current situation. And plus.. people have been like "wow Jean.. you lost a lot of weight huh?" when really I don't know if I have, but I do know that I'm still fat, so really how fat was I to begin with? Not that I don't appreciate the compliments, because if I look better, then that's great, but I just worry about the delusional light that I see myself in. And speaking of delusions, I realized that's why my friends are great for. Your friends are there to reassure you and give you moral boosters "you're ten times cuter than her," "oh he definitely likes you," "he didn't want you to leave," "why wouldn't he like you, you made him laugh the whole time," but I guess in the end it just lets me fall from a greater height. Or wonder why the things that they say aren't coming true? But then I would be mad at my friends if they didn't say those things, because in my own little world, I think they're true... so really.. I'm just a really confused and complicated girl. ish. I guess I'm just tired... tired of my stasis in life right now. Tired of trying so hard with no result, tired of not being invited to things, tired of wondering what's going on, tired of school, tired of not feeling like one of the "cool" kids, tired of not being "pretty" enough, tired of trying to please everyone, tired of having to put up with people and their idiotic notions, tired of trying to figure people out, tired of wanting to be liked, tired of feeling lonely and unloved, tired of being boyless, tired of worrying so much, I'm tired and I don't want to have to deal with anything anymore.