i have this 80-something year old neighbor. maybe pushing 90.. i'm not really sure... but when i was little i think i used to go over to her house a lot, play with her a lot, keep her company sometimes. mostly i think i just wanted to play with her dog, and she'd ask if i could come over. i always hated going to her house though because it reeked of cigarettes, and also that "old" smell. mostly it was the cigarettes though. as i got older, i stopped "hanging out" with her as much and sometimes it seemed as if she was more a nuisance ... but i always felt bad for her. her husband died a long time ago, she didn't really have friends, and her kids seemed as if they didn't want anything to do with her. she always told me stories about how her son only came to visit her once a month.. just so that he could get his inheritance when she died. but that his wife was a "nasty woman" and wouldn't let her see her grandkids, etc etc etc. she would tell me stories about how caretakers she'd hire would steal things from her, and how the guys who'd deliver the groceries (since she doesn't drive) would feel her up and try to take advantage of her. i sometimes thought she'd exaggerated a lot.. but i don't really know. i felt bad that her kids treated her like that, and that she was alone... even or especially on holidays. she refused to go to a home because i think they treated her husband's mom badly, and he left her money, so she'd never have to go to one.

when i went to college, i think she and her fading memory kind of forgot about me. our family friend who lived in our house would give her dog baths sometimes, and maybe hang out with her.. i don't really know. when i came back i never really hung out with her, but sometimes she'd call our house and i'd help her do menial tasks like write checks for her since her hand was shaking too badly. my dad will help her on occasion when she calls, but not as often as he used to. i think that had some sort of falling out when my dad refused to buy her cigarettes for her, and said that he wouldn't shop for her if she continued to smoke. but old habits die hard and she smokes all the time.. i think. when i didn't used to work it was easier for her to ask me for help, now that i work all day long, i think she's usually asleep by the time i get home. her dog died awhile back, and i only found out recently. so now she must be really lonely. she used to tell me that her dog, foxy, was her only friend. aside from our family and maybe a few neighbors, but not really friends, just neighbors. recently this car has always been parked in her driveway. i thought it'd be nice if it was a relative or something, but i think it's another caretaker she hired. i was always scared, because my neighbor could die in her sleep and maybe no one would find her for awhile. so someone helping her out would be good. i thought it would have been cool if my friend jill could live with her and take care of her, since she worked in this old person's home in san diego, but she is too far away and had other plans with her life. bit i thought it would be fun because i knew jill would take good care of her, and i think jill would have had fun getting to know my neighbor and the fun stories that she seemed to have.

tonight the fire department and the paramedics came to "help her breathe" and finally took her to the hospital. she hates going to the hospital because she says that they treat her badly and cheat her out of her money. when i was in middle school there was a time when the ambulance and paramedics showed up on a regular basis. she'd come to use their breathing machines and she'd refuse to go to the hospital.. and sometimes they wouldn't make her, and sometimes they would. but i always knew she hated going. i think the firemen know her by now, and think of her the same way.. as sort of a nuisance, but also feeling bad for her too. tonight they made her go to the hospital although she was complaining the whole time. part of the reason it's hard to deal with her is because she's like 99.9% deaf. i stood by my doorway and watched. i wonder if the firemen just thought i was a rubbernecker or something. i care, i feel bad.. and it soudns trite or hypocritical because i never go to visit her or anything and i don't really take a vested interest in her, but i do really feel bad. i wondered (before i had the jobs) if i could live with her and take care of her. i didn't know if i could handle it. they took her to the hospital in the ambulance and the lady who lives with her didn't bother to go. i mean.. she hasn't been there that long, and maybe she's not the type to get attached. i wonder if the stories are true and she's starting to go through her stuff and find the goods while she's in the hospital. i don't know what i'm trying to say really. i feel bad that she suffers so much. i feel bad that she's so lonely. and it sucks because i don't really do anything about it. i heard sirens in the distance after the ambulance had left out street. i hope that nothing worse happened. i was going to go over to the house to see who was still inside, but i saw the alleged caretaker reach for the door and just close it. i don't know if she saw me, but she definitely doesn't know who i am and has no real reason to talk to me. i feel bad because.. i don't know why... i just do.

so that was my sunday night.