so my really shy quiet cousin and possibly his snotty ass brother are going to come here and to live in our house around june. our house is not necessarily small.. but the lack of space comes from the immense amount of clutter. we have 4 bedrooms, which should be great... but it's not. we have crap everywhere, we even built and extra room, and now it's filled with junk too. we have 4 bedrooms and only 3 of them are sleepable, and sometimes still my mom sleeps on the couch. probably more so when we have guests and visitors. she says the couch is more comfortable, i say we have issues.

so anyways.. my mom was talking about how she didn't know how sleeping arrangements would go when my two cousins come to live and they'll share the master bedroom (not master really.. just the biggest room in the house). she said she didn't know if they should have 2 twin beds, or sleep in the one queen size bed currently in there. i say that they should sleep in two seperate beds, and my mom asks what will become of the queen. i say "i'll take it" and she says "where are you going to put it?" (since i currently stay in the smallest room and if i put a queen size bed in there there will be room for nothing else). i say "in my new apartment" half joking, but half serious. a lot lately i have been thinking about moving out. about a year and a half ago i was actually apartment hunting with a friend and i thought it would be nice.. fun maybe.. but i didn't have any sort of job at all and just wasn't ready for it. my mom plays the game well and she started treating me SUPER nice.. so then i think "eh.. living at home won't be so bad" i'm so easy, i took her bait. more recently beth has been talking lately about moving in together.. and i have been apprehensive... maybe i still wasn't ready for it (when i was still temp jobbing too) and scared about the amount that we fight over petty bs and didn't want living together to ruin our friendship because everyone says the quickest way to ruin a friendship is by living together, and i have the roommate curse. but more and more i've been thinking that it's time for me to be moving out. it's hard because almost all of my friends live at home.. it's more convenient, it's easy, it saves money (which we just spend on frivolous things anyways). most of my friends are in the enar vicinity, so i wouldn't want to move too far away, but it seems absurd to pay rent to live down the street from my parents. i think everyone who lives in torrance, lives at home. maybe torrance is just a great place to live? haha. but seriously.. i have been feeling like such a little kid. maybe it's being around all the people at my work. i don't think i know anyone at my workplace who lives at home. and i feel like living at home.. i won't grow up, i won't learn things, i won't do things for myself. true.. i can definitely set myself apart and do those sort of things while i'm living at home.. but it's just too easy. i need to jump in the water and sink or swim. my parents still take care of so many things of mine, and still cook for me - which is definitely nice.. don't get me wrong... but it's too easy to just let them. so.. back to the story. so my mom like flips out about how if i want to move out, then FINE i can move out.. but i should say it's because i want to, and not because my cousins are coming to live here. and how if i feel that the house isn't good enough for me, or that my mom isn't a good enough mom... then that's fine as well.

and it's SO not about that. i mean.. i guess my mom comes from a different time. you live at home until you get married.. or maybe sometimes even when you are married (my uncle lives with my grandma.. or more like my grandma lives with my uncle)... but.. then my mom started saying how her friend's (older than me) daughter still lives at home with her mom.. and maybe that's because she's a better mother. blah blah blah blah BLAH. argh.. the one thing that keeps me from moving out is the money. if i made tons of money.. i would be living it up. me moving out has nothing to do with trying to get away from my parents because they're unfit. but they are overbearing. they care what time i come home, what chores i do, who i hang out with, what i do, and my mom even opens up my mail sometimes (like credit card statements) and make comments on my spending habits.. which annoys me to NO end (the opening up of the mail). the people at my other job make fun of this guy, nicknamed baller, about how he is over 30 and lives at home. he seriously is lacking in social skills or something... but the guys there are like.. "yeah.. we're going to call you baller #2" that drew a little blood from me.

i tried to tell my mom that she shouldn't think that it is about her, that i want to learn how to live on my own and be responsible. her response is that i can start paying her rent. that would do no good... and i'm sure as hell not paying rent to still be yelled at and told what time i need to be home. she can be so negative and thinks that she is not a good enough mom to be able to keep her daughters at home. she just doesn't get it. and so what do i do? do i not move out to spare her feelings and lose my own life. i couldn't imagine dating someone while i lived at home. "umm.. my place or yours? well... can't go back to my place cuz a)my parents are there and b)my house is too messy that my mom doesn't let anyone come in our house. well... stay the night at your place? let me just tell my parents." yea.. that's going to happen.

i dunno.. it's frustrating because i am so eager to please people in this loserish, craving approval necessary kind of way. i have already been told that it makes me seem desperate. i think it roots from my mom and me always needing to please her. i have become that person in every facet of my life. always thinking i'm not good enough. i realize this and yet i can't do anything about it. i worry about hurting my mom's feelings and not wanting to move out... but i can't do this forever. i know. i feel like i need to have a "really good" reason to move out.. like i'm going to another country. i hate this feeling. wanting to do something for yourself, but not wanting to dissapoint other people. in the end.. so many other people will choose themselves over you anyday. i experience that all the time - and i wonder if my mom is the same way.. will she always choose herself over me.. or does it pain her because she thinks that i am the one always choosing myself over her. i know i know i KNOW i can't live my life to please her.. because a)it's impossible to acheive and b)in the end it's my life and i'm the one who is happy or not. i figured that out in college.. when she wanted me to do a certain thing and i chose not to. i think it was like majors or something trivial to that. but i did was gung ho about going to carleton college in minnesota, and would have ended up there if my mom hadn't threatened to cut me off. and not think it's better than anything else.. but i am not sad that went to ucsd.. because i loved going to school there.... and she will forever hold that over me.. that i should listen to her because she knows best.

this is a whole big jumble. last night my mom asked me if i was going to come home for dinner tonight. i don't know if it's just me, or if that's the way it is, but sometimes she makes me feel so guilty. for not being home all the time, for wanting to go out with my friends. i mean.. she doesn't always make me feel this way.. but when she asks me if i coming home for dinner.. i know it's because she wants me there. and if i have made plans otherwise, even if it's to hang out with my sister.. i still feel bad. i don't get it. i do know that i don't want to live at home forever. and sure as heck not until i'm 30. maybe by the end of this year, another year, maybe 2 (although that does seem like too much time).. but i feel like i would be severly lacking in several areas if i did. not because home is a bad place, but my parents are just not conducive to the kind of lifestyle that i want to live, and i don't think that wanting to have fun should be so bad.