I was supposed to make a decision and stick to it, and not regret it. And for the most part I've taken care of the first two things, but that last issue is a little bit harder. Sometimes I am the Queen of Regret. I wonder so many things like "what kind of person would I be like if I had went to North" or "what would have happened if I went to Carleton" or "what would have happened if I had just called the cops that one night." I don't regret every little thing I do because usually I get around to doing a lot of the things I wanted to do, but with timed decisions it's a little harder because you have to pick one of the other and then that's it. I swear, I need Decision Therapy (A or B?! A or B!? *smack!*) haha.. Anyways.. I recently made a decision and it's not a wrong decision, (I'm sure everyone and their mother knows what I'm talking about with the mad wildfire of "talk" that's going on these past two weeks) but it's a different path than the other choice. It's kind of like coming to UCSD. I love it here, but there a little part of me that will always wonder what me in Minnesota would be like. I talked to a lot of people before I made this decision and I half let them decide for more, but more like I felt like what they had to say was true, and so I listened to them. And then Monday afternoon I started to doubt myself. And now that I'm traveling down this path, and I found out other things about the other path I could have been on, I don't know.. a part of me wonders what it would have been like. I had said that I wish it was kind of like Ebenezer Scrooge where he got to see the different Christmas Stories, and choose the right path because of that. haha.. If I could only see into the future and pick the path which I liked the ending best to. But knowing me.. I'd pick the path, and then still screw it up somehow.

A) I need to learn to not be so gosh darn indecisive sometimes. I need to be able to figure what I really want instead of just wanting everything. Maybe I am just a spoiled brat. B) I need to learn to love myself. Even my Colorgenics profile says so! Thus I will be comfortable with the decisions I make whether or not people agree with me and I'll have to be able to defend myself in the face of. C) I need to not be so easily duped by people, and maybe one day call them out on the crap that spews out of their mouth. D) I need to be a little more aggressive in certain areas of life, instead of being such a weenie.

haha.. these are all good and fine "propositions" for my life, but I wonder how many of those things I can accomplish. I guess it all stems from me not wanting to be alone. I've gone through so many friends in my life (yeah.. that's sad) I guess I've had to be self-sufficient in my life, but yet I'm still not comfortable with it. I always need reassurance, and sometimes I will do things for other people even though I shouldn't, and I'll go along with them because it's easier than me making the decision in the fact that I might choose the wrong one and fail. Loneliness and failure are probably two of my greatest vices (among a plethora of others I'm sure).

*sigh* Maybe I'm just sad because this year is coming to an end. And although I have my place in the next year, I'm sad that things won't be the same.. although they never really would have been then same. ahaha.. I think the difference between this year and the year before is a prime example. I know next year I'll be wondering why I was such a jackass and even concerned with this because I'm going to have a great year. Or.. on the flip side I can become completely unenthusiastic and fail my entire year.. but like people say.. I wouldn't let that happen. The things I love will still be there (hopefully) and if they're not then maybe they weren't worth as much as I thought in the first place, and I should overvalue it. So.. who knows.. only time will tell I suppose. I NEED TO GO STUDY! I'M GONNA FAIL OUT OF SCHOOL!